Relationships in recovery...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 21
Relationships in recovery...
I've been sober now for over 2 years and try to work the program and attend meetings regularly. I've been dating, and am now living with, a woman who is also a recovering alcoholic. For the first several months together, she didn't have a program... just simply abstained from alcohol. Needless to say, our relationship has been rocky to say the least. She's working the program now, to my knowledge, and meets with a sponsor regularly. However, things still seem to be strained between us.
Does anyone have any experience with these types of relationships? I'd like to know if they can work. I love her very much, but am finding it hard to continue.
Does anyone have any experience with these types of relationships? I'd like to know if they can work. I love her very much, but am finding it hard to continue.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 134
Hello there,
Both my boyfriend and I are sober. He got sober about 2 months before I did. We are both active in AA. We make sure that we both have our own program that we work. Sure, we'll go to a meeting or two together each week but I have my own recovery, and he has his.
I try not to concern myself with what he's doing to work his program. His actions tell me whether he's being proactive in his recovery or not. My sobriety is #1 in my life, my relationship comes second to that.
It's nice to be a relationship with another alcoholic because they get it. They understand that we can't have "just one drink at dinner" or just "one glass of champagne on New Years".
I couldn't really imagine being a relationship with someone who drank. It would be too hard and complicated.
Exactly what are you talking about when you say that you find it hard to continue? What makes it hard to continue?
Both my boyfriend and I are sober. He got sober about 2 months before I did. We are both active in AA. We make sure that we both have our own program that we work. Sure, we'll go to a meeting or two together each week but I have my own recovery, and he has his.
I try not to concern myself with what he's doing to work his program. His actions tell me whether he's being proactive in his recovery or not. My sobriety is #1 in my life, my relationship comes second to that.
It's nice to be a relationship with another alcoholic because they get it. They understand that we can't have "just one drink at dinner" or just "one glass of champagne on New Years".
I couldn't really imagine being a relationship with someone who drank. It would be too hard and complicated.
Exactly what are you talking about when you say that you find it hard to continue? What makes it hard to continue?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by Pock89
Hello there,
Both my boyfriend and I are sober. He got sober about 2 months before I did. We are both active in AA. We make sure that we both have our own program that we work. Sure, we'll go to a meeting or two together each week but I have my own recovery, and he has his.
I try not to concern myself with what he's doing to work his program. His actions tell me whether he's being proactive in his recovery or not. My sobriety is #1 in my life, my relationship comes second to that.
It's nice to be a relationship with another alcoholic because they get it. They understand that we can't have "just one drink at dinner" or just "one glass of champagne on New Years".
I couldn't really imagine being a relationship with someone who drank. It would be too hard and complicated.
Exactly what are you talking about when you say that you find it hard to continue? What makes it hard to continue?
Both my boyfriend and I are sober. He got sober about 2 months before I did. We are both active in AA. We make sure that we both have our own program that we work. Sure, we'll go to a meeting or two together each week but I have my own recovery, and he has his.
I try not to concern myself with what he's doing to work his program. His actions tell me whether he's being proactive in his recovery or not. My sobriety is #1 in my life, my relationship comes second to that.
It's nice to be a relationship with another alcoholic because they get it. They understand that we can't have "just one drink at dinner" or just "one glass of champagne on New Years".
I couldn't really imagine being a relationship with someone who drank. It would be too hard and complicated.
Exactly what are you talking about when you say that you find it hard to continue? What makes it hard to continue?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 141
You don't exactly say what is putting a strain on your relationship and I'm not trying to pry too deep into personal stuff but...
Is the strain about how to stay sober & work the programs? That's going to be different for everyone. What one may be having as triggers or thoughts on what they should do in sobriety could be very different for the both of you.
Do you both have a sponsor? If you both have an individual sponsor, it should be easier to talk to the sponors about recovery issues because they have long term experience with recovery.
I was told that relationships should be avoided in the first year of sobriety for most people. Is she in her first year? If you are on two very different timelines of sobriety, that may be an issue. My second year is nothing like my first.
I don't have experience with a relationship with another person in recovery but these are just the things that come to mind first based on what I've learned or read.
Is the strain about how to stay sober & work the programs? That's going to be different for everyone. What one may be having as triggers or thoughts on what they should do in sobriety could be very different for the both of you.
Do you both have a sponsor? If you both have an individual sponsor, it should be easier to talk to the sponors about recovery issues because they have long term experience with recovery.
I was told that relationships should be avoided in the first year of sobriety for most people. Is she in her first year? If you are on two very different timelines of sobriety, that may be an issue. My second year is nothing like my first.
I don't have experience with a relationship with another person in recovery but these are just the things that come to mind first based on what I've learned or read.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by ald5978
You don't exactly say what is putting a strain on your relationship and I'm not trying to pry too deep into personal stuff but...
Is the strain about how to stay sober & work the programs? That's going to be different for everyone. What one may be having as triggers or thoughts on what they should do in sobriety could be very different for the both of you.
Do you both have a sponsor? If you both have an individual sponsor, it should be easier to talk to the sponors about recovery issues because they have long term experience with recovery.
I was told that relationships should be avoided in the first year of sobriety for most people. Is she in her first year? If you are on two very different timelines of sobriety, that may be an issue. My second year is nothing like my first.
I don't have experience with a relationship with another person in recovery but these are just the things that come to mind first based on what I've learned or read.
Is the strain about how to stay sober & work the programs? That's going to be different for everyone. What one may be having as triggers or thoughts on what they should do in sobriety could be very different for the both of you.
Do you both have a sponsor? If you both have an individual sponsor, it should be easier to talk to the sponors about recovery issues because they have long term experience with recovery.
I was told that relationships should be avoided in the first year of sobriety for most people. Is she in her first year? If you are on two very different timelines of sobriety, that may be an issue. My second year is nothing like my first.
I don't have experience with a relationship with another person in recovery but these are just the things that come to mind first based on what I've learned or read.
I looked like that holdin beer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 627
dallasblues
"However, living with someone who's just as crazy as I am is really hard."
It sounds like you want something from her that you can not give at this point. Maybe you are not ready to be living with her, or not ready for a relationship at this point. Perhaps you two are just not right for each other; I don't know. It seems like you just feel you are further along then she is. I don't have all the details, but from your posts you seem like someone that expects a lot out of her. Again, I don't know what you consider "dry drunk" behavior on her part.
The woman is going to AA and is not drinking, so it seems like she is bettering herself.
Good luck
"However, living with someone who's just as crazy as I am is really hard."
It sounds like you want something from her that you can not give at this point. Maybe you are not ready to be living with her, or not ready for a relationship at this point. Perhaps you two are just not right for each other; I don't know. It seems like you just feel you are further along then she is. I don't have all the details, but from your posts you seem like someone that expects a lot out of her. Again, I don't know what you consider "dry drunk" behavior on her part.
The woman is going to AA and is not drinking, so it seems like she is bettering herself.
Good luck
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 464
Does anyone have any experience with these types of relationships? I'd like to know if they can work. I love her very much, but am finding it hard to continue.
I looked like that holdin beer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 627
Originally Posted by dallasblues 
I've been sober for over 2 years now. I try to make meetings regularly and practice the steps in my life. Of course, some days I follow the program better than others. In general, I feel pretty good. At first, sobriety felt like a pink cloud. Everything was amazing! I was truly grateful for my new found life. It was like looking at the world with a fresh set of eyes. It was scary at times, but exhilarating. Now that the newness has worn off and the pink cloud is gone, I'm left with confusion and uncertainty. My defaults of character are now clearly exposed, like an open wound. The steps help me confront each one as they arise. However, there's something about me that baffles me. My sex-relations are completely inept. I've been with my girlfriend for several months now and we've lived together since March. I love her very much, but find it awkward and uncomfortable being intimate with her. It's really starting to take its toll on our relationship. I've noticed this same problem with other relationships since I've been sober. What's wrong with me? Is this common with us alcoholics?
Could that be part of the issue for you guys? Sounds like you both have a lot of work ahead of you
Peace, Love, Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 1,549
I know couples in AA who met there and are married and have been for 20 years or more. I know it requires a lot of work and time and patience however. I cannot speak from personal experience, as my boyfriend is not an alcoholic. (which is a whole different ball game, LOL)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by MetalChick
Could that be part of the issue for you guys? Sounds like you both have a lot of work ahead of you
I guess the question I'm so awkwardly trying to ask is... Do alcoholics, and our inherent defects and issues, have more of these defects and issues than non-alcoholics? And if so... Does that make it more complicated when one alcoholic is involved in a relationship with another? A combustible melding of defects, so to speak?
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
it is always good to do apersonal inventory.
what are my real motives for being in this relationship?
how do i define love? does my definition have to equal hers/his?
am i being a hostage taker?
am i accepting them as they are and focusing on their qualities or on their defects? if im focusing on their defects, why do i have the spiritual pride that says i know whats better for her/him?
am i accepting her/him completely as they are or am i only accepting certain parts?
i dont think it matters iffen its us alcoholics or not. relationships take work.
we only attract people as sick as ourselves.
what are my real motives for being in this relationship?
how do i define love? does my definition have to equal hers/his?
am i being a hostage taker?
am i accepting them as they are and focusing on their qualities or on their defects? if im focusing on their defects, why do i have the spiritual pride that says i know whats better for her/him?
am i accepting her/him completely as they are or am i only accepting certain parts?
i dont think it matters iffen its us alcoholics or not. relationships take work.
we only attract people as sick as ourselves.
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
dallasblues:
ALL relationships require work, and are difficult at times. Trust me on this: my husband is a psychologist who does a lot of couples counseling, and even so-called "normies" have all sorts of trouble. He hears stuff that would curl your hair. We are not unique in our relationship issues!
So I would be careful about categorizing your relationship as impossible because it involves two people who happen to have quit addictions.
Instead, think about how you treat each other. What is she doing that drives you so crazy? Have you discussed it with her? What does she say? Does she agree? Is she happy with you? Can the two of you talk about such issues or do you retreat to your separate corners without even trying?
You call her a "dry drunk"...why? Have you said this to her? Have you disparaged her recovery...possibly because it doesn't look exactly like yours? If so, is it possible that this is contributing to your issues?
These are all things to think about....
ALL relationships require work, and are difficult at times. Trust me on this: my husband is a psychologist who does a lot of couples counseling, and even so-called "normies" have all sorts of trouble. He hears stuff that would curl your hair. We are not unique in our relationship issues!
So I would be careful about categorizing your relationship as impossible because it involves two people who happen to have quit addictions.
Instead, think about how you treat each other. What is she doing that drives you so crazy? Have you discussed it with her? What does she say? Does she agree? Is she happy with you? Can the two of you talk about such issues or do you retreat to your separate corners without even trying?
You call her a "dry drunk"...why? Have you said this to her? Have you disparaged her recovery...possibly because it doesn't look exactly like yours? If so, is it possible that this is contributing to your issues?
These are all things to think about....
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