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Newcomer - Day 1

Old 07-30-2012, 11:24 AM
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Newcomer - Day 1

I suppose my drink of choice is usually wine. I don't know if it is because it seems less harmless or because I can get it fairly cheaply and easily at gas stations and grocery stores or if once the bottle is gone it is not like an entire bottle of vodka being gone which is my second drink of choice. I usually buy mini's so I can monitor the number that I have. I can not keep alcohol in my home but none of these restrictive behaviors make me less of an alcoholic. THERE! I said it.

Today was to be my last day of drinking... I went to an AA meeting for the first time yesterday. I suppose I know that I am very serious this time because I've never been to an AA meeting before. I drove by one a few days ago. I got the courage to walk inside but the meeting time was wrong on the internet.

I felt more compelled to have a drink after the AA meeting to be quite honest. And I did.

There was not a single person like me (out side of being an alcoholic). One woman came in later who was remotely my age but the most were older men. I saw one other woman in her 50's in the front.

I had intentions on going to a club afterward. Part of my problem is that I've worked in nightclubs on and off for over 10 years. Night club with few rules and that is actually where the alcohol abuse began. It was nothing to do 7-10 shot over a course of a shift. I didn't even know that was not normal. I didn't drink prior to working at this night club so I kind of just jumped in head first.

But the reason for my post is that I wanted to share a realization that I had last night when I was out looking for lunchable snacks. I was also out to pick up my second bottle of wine for the day (my so called last bottle before getting sober).

I've learned to alternate between 3 gas stations that are all within a mile of each other. So I don't look SO MUCH like an alcoholic. I also live in walking distance to a liquor store that I used to visit daily (mini bottle of vodka) and when I stopped drinking around New Years for a few months they really wondered where I was. I don't go in there much anymore, the feeling of knowing the entire staff and some of them automatically going to get my mini's. I think I used to get 4-5 just didn't feel good after a while.

But last night I picked up my bottle of wine but they didn't have the snack that I wanted so I went to the other gas station and I was looking for snacks and the attendant (all whom are very very nice) said HUNGRY?

I had probably never really bought a snack before... I rarely even get gas just WINE WINE WINE!

We chatted a bit and he said NO WINE TODAY?

We chatted a little more and he asked again NO WINE?

Before I left the store he must have asked me FIVE times if I was getting a bottle of wine.

THE TRUTH was I already had a bottle from the other store in the car but the reality of what these people must think of me really sank in and is what initiated my decision to start posting!

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Old 07-30-2012, 11:34 AM
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You're not alone in choosing different stores to stop in. I did the same thing, alternating between 3 stores within walking distance from where I lived. Even with that, I knew they all recognized me for what I was. Denial is such a huge part of addiction.

There is lots of support here, so I hope you keep reading and posting. SR has been a lifeline for me.
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Old 07-30-2012, 11:47 AM
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I feel ya. At least you didn't get so bad that you didn't care anymore. I went to the same liquor store just about every day for a liter of vodka for nearly two years. I knew I was recognized but absolutely didn't care. Trouble is, that level of self-neglect spills over in to every aspect of life. Always was amazed at how clean my condo is and how well dressed I am when not in the throes of a 5 day binge.
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Old 07-30-2012, 11:52 AM
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Don't worry about it Pink, he probably was just trying to sell you some wine

I did the whole shopping at different stores too. Probably about 5 in total! I have actually only been back to one of them since getting sober and I must admit the store owner looked a bit bemused when I walked out with a sandwich and a bottle of water.

I'm glad you have come to the decision to quit. You will certainly find lots of support here x
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Old 07-30-2012, 12:08 PM
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Welcome to SR!

At 25, there didn't seem to be too many other 25 year old women in the meetings, but they were there. At 50, some of those women are still there, some others are joining. Also those from 15-75.....

We exist, we attend meetings, so keep going! The new solution is in the steps!

Glad you are here!
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Old 07-30-2012, 12:15 PM
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Thank you all. My apartment is such a disaster and has been for the last two weeks. I was going through some emotional issues that propelled the alcohol abuse to a level that all I did was leave the house to go to the gas station to pick up wine, continuously call a psychic hotline while drunk until I maxed out my credit card, THOUSANDS of dollars. They were telling me the same thing over and over but I was drunk, beating myself up about things that I did while drunk that were eventually revealed and have caused more chaos than you can possibly imagine. More than you can possibly imagine. One in particular kept telling me to let it go dear child. And saying "like I told you before" well interestingly enough they were dead on about a lot of stuff but not one told me I was an alcoholic. Perhaps they didn't think I wasn't aware. The thought that I wasted that kind of money... esp since I don't have a full time job and that was my "saftey net". It was almost like another addiction creeping in. I however, will probably never call that line again.
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Old 07-30-2012, 12:19 PM
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When I read deserts post about her condo -the reality that my friend was outside of my apartment calling me constantly so she could come in to avoid traffic and it was too shameful for a friend of 15 years to see...

I rushed to the bathroom to throw up after reading that for some reason... I think it was the emotional response. I am going to try another AA meeting in the next hour maybe it is the neighborhood that I am choosing. I did see one young girl (possibly teen) at the one that I came at the wrong time but most were ALL men.

But thank you!
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Old 07-30-2012, 12:23 PM
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And I guess the realization to completely stop was delivered in a very unconventional way by an ex boyfriend! Followed by the suggestion by another ex who I met for pizza. We lived together and my emotional drunken tirades probably destroyed him as a man. My mother hates him because she emailed him and told her the truth. I guess he wanted her to do something. She love me but she isn't that kind of mother but it upset her so much she started seeing a psychologist and she revealed to me that she has been discussing it with him. I never knew... She would question me about the amount of wine I drank (she doesn't drink) when I would visit for the holidays and I saw books on alcoholism in her room but she is an avid reader and she never said much to me about it. When I told her I was going to quit she said nothing would make her happier. I guess I am the kind of child who you can't push to do anything and she knows this.
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Old 07-30-2012, 12:31 PM
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One in particular kept telling me to let it go dear child. And saying "like I told you before" well interestingly enough they were dead on about a lot of stuff but not one told me I was an alcoholic.
You'll get told that in AA meetings and they're free Also if you are trying to decide if you are an alcoholic just go to a few meetings and see how many times you end up nodding your head in agreement! x
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Old 07-30-2012, 12:35 PM
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It is known that I drink too much and I have lost friends etc. and destroyed every relationship with nearly every man that I've been with. Most people think that I would be the first to get married of my friends and I would most certainly marry a very successful man. I have dated many but it never works out. My last three boyfriends have all commented on my drinking.

But the one that I think convinced me the most was my most recent...

I had a dysfunctional relationship with another bartender. I would have never dated him if we didn't work at the same bar and never tolerated him if I were sober. He is a loser and I suppose we attracted each other because although things looked good on the outside,,, I was a loser on the inside...

He has refused to drive me home 30 min drive after work knowing that I was smashed and could kill myself or someone else. If he wasn't so cruel in other ways, I would have thought that was his tough love but I think that was part of it but I also don't think he truly cared about me. I think he was tired of it and just didn't care... Interestingly enough after the bar close our relationship was pretty much over. We would chat on the phone, he tried to move in with me because he didn't have a car and wanted me to take him to work... I had enough sense not to do that - I think I was sober at the time because of some diet I was on and he repulsed me. But I fell off that wagon and I picked him up last week for a day out on the town.

All we ever did during our entire two year relationship was drink wine, watch tv and have sex. This time we went to a couple of restaurants... I ended up having too much to drink (SURPRISE SURPRISE) and since I've recently got a DUI (not that it stops me from drinking and driving )I wasn't sure if I could make the 30 min drive to his house and back.

I don't remember exactly but I took him to the train, he got really angry took my keys and threw them into an open field. It was midnight.

He ran to a cab, pushed me to the ground when I tried to stop him.

He sent me text messages telling me that I was an alcoholic and he sees now that alcoholism is a disease.

And that is was my most recent wake up call.

I called the police, they never came.

I was at the train station so I found an officer on foot and he took a flash light and found the keys and asked why he would have done such a thing.

The officer knew that I was drunk and asked if I was ok, I told him that I lived across the street and I just prayed I didn't get stopped as I have gotten stopped many times in that area.

After two years of dealing with the wrong person for me. And numerous times of saying hurtful things to him when I was drunk and upset with him... And after him doing hurtful things to me it was that incident that made me realize that I may not be able to EVER drink again and that I needed to work on it NOW.

I might add far worse things have happened as a result of my drinking. I am lucky and blessed in many ways!
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Old 07-30-2012, 12:40 PM
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Originally Posted by hypochondriac View Post
You'll get told that in AA meetings and they're free Also if you are trying to decide if you are an alcoholic just go to a few meetings and see how many times you end up nodding your head in agreement! x
NO! I know I am an alcoholic. I don't like to say it but I know it. I thought for a long time that I could moderate my drinking and I could control myself... If that is true it will be a very very very long time for now. And for once, I am not really sure that it is.

I had to do a drug and alcohol evaluation as a condition of my probation... two weeks ago... I drank a bottle of before I went... I lied on about every question they asked. He asked me a few questions, I told him the correct answers and he said I certainly didn't have a problem. I think he knew otherwise and may have suspected that I was drinking because when asked when I had my last drink I wrote with my last meal and he said lunch or dinner. I wrote that incase he smelled the alcohol and I looked him in his eye and said, oh with dinner.
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Old 07-30-2012, 12:43 PM
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Thank you all for allowing me to share and get some of this off of my chest. Recounting all the horrible things that have occurred while drinking helps me. I am on the brink of losing everything. I can feel it. I don't have health insurance so I can't really go to a doctor but I don't feel "good" I haven't felt "great" in a very long time but I don't feel good.

Thank you all I am going to try to find another AA meeting. I will be back later.
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Old 07-30-2012, 12:53 PM
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You aren't alone. I've done similar things while drinking, too!

Hugs,
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Old 07-30-2012, 01:22 PM
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They always say that when you are trying to control your drinking.....you are out of control.

Have you thought about going to Detox? After a few days in Detox, I think you will start to feel a lot better.

It is great to see that you are willing to go to AA. Recovery is in the Steps.The Steps are all about having a greater conscious contact with a Higher Power. Good luck
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Old 07-30-2012, 03:30 PM
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Originally Posted by william1j View Post
They always say that when you are trying to control your drinking.....you are out of control.

Have you thought about going to Detox? After a few days in Detox, I think you will start to feel a lot better.

It is great to see that you are willing to go to AA. Recovery is in the Steps.The Steps are all about having a greater conscious contact with a Higher Power. Good luck
I don't have insurance so I am not sure if there is a place that will take me for free. The ONE good thing is each year for the past 10-15 years I've fasted and stopped drinking for several weeks a couple times a year which is THE ONLY REASON why I think my withdrawl symptoms are limited to sweating and my hand shaking and that is recent as this year.
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Old 07-30-2012, 07:07 PM
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welcome...

The Salvation Army offers free short term de tox facilities in many areas.
Some eR's are knowledgable about alcohol withdrawal..if you get
into serious problems.

Please read this link.....it has info and some of our expereinces

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

All my best as you move into a sober future ..
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Old 07-30-2012, 11:30 PM
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Originally Posted by CarolD View Post

The Salvation Army offers free short term de tox facilities in many areas.
Some eR's are knowledgable about alcohol withdrawal..if you get
into serious problems.

Please read this link.....it has info and some of our expereinces


All my best as you move into a sober future ..
I went to my third AA meeting in 2 days. I spoke with my poor mother who has hid that she has worried about this issue for years today for 2 hours.. AFTER my second meeting of the day. I did drink today but not as much. I know that isn't a solution because i drank to combat the pain I felt when i went to the first meeting and I cried the entire time as well as the second meeting. I had a glass of wine before both. I don't think it was guilt just like YES YOU ARE HERE and it is the LAST PLACE YOU EVER WANTED TO BE but one of the 3 meetings was a meeting for me. I just happen to cry thru it so the people who could help barely could because I hate crying.
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