jsch

Well, over a year and half sober. Not feeling how I thought I should. That's the problem, how should I feel? However I am. But I have expectations , and I can't shake them. I thought I would have more friends in recovery, I have less although my small group is of higher quality. I thought I would think of alcohol less, I thought my relationships would be better etc. I have a lot going for me but I focus on these negatives. I know it is ego but how do I fix this? How do u live in gratitude and challenge expectations? I just naturally focus on what I don't have and have trouble accepting what is. Thanks in advance.

sugarbear1

What's your sponsor say? I ask because you mentioned a small group, I assumed you meant an AA meeting group? I'd ask more, but it pertains to AA stuff (like, have you worked the steps?)

I expect nothing today. When I do, it's not as I think things would have gone. With no expectations, anything is possible and if not, I just go with the flow....

Love,

CarolD

I'm glad you remain sober....wondering if you are helping
others face to face to find their way?

That is one way I stay in gratitude mode...
It keeps my pink cloud floatingt high.

In retrospect.....very little worked out in my life the way I expected.
I think it would be dull if it had...as the new me
is very excited to begin each day...

Have you thought of doing volunteer work?
A homeless shelter? An animal clinic?

Prayers for your peace zipping out

Hexipuff

I am in early recovery.
My only hope is that I will be sober today.

I too have less 'friends' but I see it as I good thing. The few I have are the friends who love me for who I am faults and all and they offer support.

As for gratitude. I am sober, my life has changed for the positive. I am now living a life not an existence.

I have hopes and dreams but that is all they are. If they ever came true - fantastic. If not - other things will happen instead. Life to me if a daily adventure, a chapter a day and like a good book I don't know what is coming next.

Dee74

Very little in my life turned out as I expected either - but I'm glad for that because, frankly, I would have just gotten in the way of this marvellous life I have now.

Embrace what is - but if there's something you really want to change and you know it will add to your life - change it.

whats stopping you?

D

hypochondriac

I don't feel like I have the right to post because I am only 5 months sober but focusing on the negative is a massive problem I have and I have been working on it for some time to help stave off depression. My too main tools are mindfulness meditation and CBT. Both are excellent at taking the focus off those negative thoughts. If you are concerned though it may be an idea to talk to a doctor about it and see if you can get some counselling. It always helps to have some help with these things x

awuh1

Central to living with expectations, at least for me, is recognizing where they come from. I generate them. For example, even when other people make promises concerning their future behavior, I’m the one who develops an expectation about that future behavior.

That being said, it’s often difficult not to develop expectations. It’s almost automatic in some ways. When things don’t go as well as I’d like it’s almost inevitable that I don’t feel good about it. What I then ask myself is whether I’m absolutely sure that what’s happened is a bad thing.

Your example of “friends in sobriety” is a good example. For me, having a few good friends is far preferable to having lots of (let’s call them) less good friends. I consider those few good friends a huge blessing. Another example might be finding myself unexpectedly stuck in traffic. When I think about it, less traffic might have resulted in me being in an accident.

Sometimes I need to trust that there is a reason that things are the way they are. It’s also good to keep in mind that it all does not work in one direction. Sometimes I’m pleasantly surprised.

neferkamichael

I suppose I was going to be richer, happier, have a gozillion new friends, on and on and on. But no, I'm just 2 years sober. Why? Because I work very hard at staying sober, and hardly work at anything else.

Eddiebuckle

This is the spiritual part of sobriety, and many will say there is no other part of sobriety. My take on it is that we are hardwired struggle for more: more food, more security, a higher spot in "the pack", the most desirable mate. That is the result of evolution and it's not something we can just decide to not do anymore. Having those impulses is normal - how we react to them determines how we experience this life.

That is why so many people (religious or not) in recovery meditate in some form or another on a regular basis. It's about maintaining self-awareness and re-centering ourselves when we get off track. This is also why many people use sounding boards in recovery: sponsors in AA, group therapy, clergy, other sober people or trusted friends.

The most insidious lies are the ones we tell ourselves, because if we are not honest or aware of our expectations and the assumptions we make about our selves and our place in the world, we set ourselves up for trouble. This takes it's toll in our physical health, our romantic relationships, our careers, etc. It's like being an explorer using a compass that is wrong. If we assume our compass is correct, we continually get lost. The problem is that our compass is within us, and if we never check our compass (rarely a pleasant experience, ask any AA-er who has done a complete and fully honest fourth and fifth step) we will continue to meander through life, experiencing the same frustrations over and over.

Good luck JSCH, the fact that you are asking the question is a very good thing. Sobriety is a journey, not a destination. Keep up the good work.

Edd

2granddaughters

I had a fella a little while ago in my home group commit suicide after his 1st AA birthday because he thought that he would have it made at 1 year and all the Promises would come to pass.

Working the program and time was the answer for me. Talk to the oldtimers.

All the best.

Bob R

BackToSquareOne

Bob, alcoholics are often very vulnerable people. They should never be told that a support group is an answer to all of lifes problems or that sponsors or oldtimers are enlightened beings of some sort. That kind of belief is only setting them up for a lot of disappointment. The goal should be to teach people to learn to think for themselves.

Zencat

jsch, expatiation can be adjusted to a more rational outlook.

No need for anyone to kill themselves because ones expectations are to set to high .

jsch, keep seeking solutions that will get you grounded and balanced. 6 months is just ODAAT, so stay in the 'now' and make a just small step forward each day

RobbyRobot

Gratitude is an experience, and cannot be a possession in and of itself. We feel gratitude, and we can also express gratitude by giving deep appreciation and thanks for the experience. Gratitude is not the same as feeling obligated, or otherwise feeling like owing someone back for their generosity, kindness, or service. Gratitude is feeling and knowing one can be thankful unconditionally.

For example, I live a spiritual life full of gratitude that doing right is its own reward. I do not do right just because there exists punishments for doing wrong. I'm sober not just because being drunk is wrongful. I'm happy not just because being sad is hurtful. I have friends not just because I don't want to have only enemies. I give to others not just because I don't want to be selfish. And so on...

Gratitude is also something that cannot be earned, or arranged, or manufactured, bought or sold. Gratitude is a virtue, a moral excellence, a foundational bedrock to build a life upon.

I have always found simply expressing and journaling my gratitude creates the proper energies to smooth out my expectations, reduce my wants and needs to realistic hopes.

Speaking for myself, my life sober has pretty well turned out the way I expected... my meaning is that I have received all that was promised, and expected in my sobriety. I have friends, family, fortune, health, work, a home, hobbies, leisures, responsibilites, happiness, peace, freedom to be myself.

What I didn't expect, was just how abundantly I would have all these things, and also how supremely challenging and life changing these experiences would shape me and prepare me for yet even more to come.

I'm overwhelmed with my deepest felt gratitude for my receiving so very much more then I expected. Really. And I have known such misery in my life too, which now only enhances the intensity of my feelings. Gratitude is a wonderful experience to meditate with and so more enjoy one's life, and the sweetness of life itself no less.

Human is as human does, and we all, without exception, have something(s) to express our experiences of having deep gratitudes respectively for those same somethings.

So, we can challenge expectations simply by expressing our truly felt gratitudes. Simplicity is such a beautiful thing, yeah?

Charon

Expectations are premeditated resentment.

tomsteve

perhaps the best thing for me is to remember that my serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations. the higher my expectations of anything, the lower my serenity. i can watch my serenity rise when i discard my expectations. but then my "rights" try to move in, and they, too, can force my serenity level down. i have to discard my my "rights" as well as my expectations, by asking myself, "how important is it realyy? how important is it to my serenity, my emotional sobriety?" and when i place more value on my serenity and sobriety than on anything else, i can maintain them at a higher level, at least for the time being.

i must keep my magic magnifying mind on my acceptance and off my expectations for my serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance. when i remember this, i can see ive never had it so good!!

gratitude lists are a good thing.

2granddaughters

First things first .

soberbrooke

If you want anything in your life, put it in a Higher Power box and date it and walk away from it. Everything I do now, I put it into my HP Box. It has worked Miracle after Miracle for me.

Jfanagle

It took me awhile to realize that when I stopped drinking, that was really all I had DONE. In other words, just like all those folks who didn't have my problem, I had to set goals, work and plan to reach them and continue every day to keep doing it again.

It has been a few years since I quit drinking, but I only seem to reach any goals I have if I put enough effort into each and every one day after day. I remember thinking that I should receive "extra credit" in life because I quit drinking. Finally an old timer reminded me that what I had done was "move up to the same starting line" as the non-alcoholics. Prior to that I had been starting the race 10 yards behind the other kids!

I am not minimizing your sobriety, I know I value mine and make sure I protect it, but if we want more friends then we need to reach out to people that others aren't reaching out to. If we want a better relationship then we must find someone who we want that relationship with and set about being the person that they deserve. Etc....

Every year in AA I irritate a few people when I take a cake and remind them that once again I am getting recognition for "not doing something" one more year!

Enjoy your sobriety, you earned it; now use that clear head to go get the things that mean something to you.

Good Luck,

Jon

tomsteve

"The goal should be to teach people to learn to think for themselves."

and how is that to be done if all a person has to go off of is their own thinking? should a person just grab someone off the street who has no clue and ask for their advice, or should they be getting assistance form those that have been there and have the knowledge and experience of what does and doesnt work?


guess this confused me a bit on why bob was criticized.

alcoholics are very hard headed people and the message must have depth and weight.

RobbyRobot

I guess the message here is often enough getting peer assistance from those that have been there, and have knowledge of and experience of what does and dosen't work, is not always sufficient to the challenges for all members of AA.

I hope we're not gonna suggest the member who suicided had the help all around, but didn't make proper use of the peer resources...

I also hope were not gonna suggest that members in AA commonly know how to best help potential suicidal persons...

I guess the idea that a member celebrated his 1st sober birthday, was recognised by his peers in AA for that milestone, and then the guy suicides, and Bob seems to have certain knowledge of why the guy suicided... and no mention is given of whether the member was receiving professional help besides what was happening within AA... suggests to me how important it is to not soley depend on AA for one's life.

Certainly AA helped me receive AA sobriety, and the promises too, but I also had plenty of gestalt therapy besides and concurrent with my sobriety, or else I wouldn't be here either... you know?

BTSO is absolutely correct, speaking from my own experience. I'm not so sure his post was being critical of Bob's share, more like being adamant of how important additional services, resources, and professional supports are too, no matter how confident certain AA members may feel about how important AA is, or could be, in all challenges before all members.