4 months
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Bellingham
Posts: 513
4 months
So, 4 months wet sober passed followed by 1 month of relapse, and now I'm on 4 months AA sober. It definitely feels different. The first 4 months flew by in standard emotional turmoil. These last 4 have gone much slower, which is refreshing. Unprecidented clarity about who I am. The biggest difference between now and before is that before I never attempted clarity. I was always trying to find a way to indulge: to accept all the pain as a necessary part of life. Kind of like a part of my 'individuality,' as if every shade of egotistical caprice and suffering is a necessary part of who we are. I can see how our society might uniquely foster such a misconception. But it wasn't society. It was just being afraid, being stuck, defending myself from the outside world, which is pretty legitimately scary at times.
Now, it's different. I feel more connected. It's still really hard sometimes. I am still unemployed. But I'm approaching spirituality in a different way, from the inside out as opposed to the way I used to constantly beseach a God I wasn't sure existed to grant me hallucinatory proof. It's a different experience, less like taking a leap of faith and more like acknowledging what is apparent. Here we are, swimming in an abstraction, where there are certain rules.
I can see approaching healing from angles other than AA. I imagine practicing Buddhism might work the same way. I never personally could commit to organized religion, though, because I was put off by the immense, overwhelming pomposity. But AA for the most part doesn't have that, and I think the core messages are the same as the core messages of most spiritual and religious practices.
Looking back on it, the key thing for me was just trying something different, new, that perhaps I was uncomfortable with but that a part of me trusted in a deep way. First it was this site. Then it was seeing a doctor. Then it was AA. Then it was a sponsor who I confided my deepest fears to. It's not like getting a tattoo is going to solve all your problems. Certainly a convenient argument to plead to your ego, which wants to remain as it is. Life is scary. We don't want to change. We want to be comfortable, but somewhere along the line we mistake this apparatus of suffering and pain for who we really are.
Now, it's different. I feel more connected. It's still really hard sometimes. I am still unemployed. But I'm approaching spirituality in a different way, from the inside out as opposed to the way I used to constantly beseach a God I wasn't sure existed to grant me hallucinatory proof. It's a different experience, less like taking a leap of faith and more like acknowledging what is apparent. Here we are, swimming in an abstraction, where there are certain rules.
I can see approaching healing from angles other than AA. I imagine practicing Buddhism might work the same way. I never personally could commit to organized religion, though, because I was put off by the immense, overwhelming pomposity. But AA for the most part doesn't have that, and I think the core messages are the same as the core messages of most spiritual and religious practices.
Looking back on it, the key thing for me was just trying something different, new, that perhaps I was uncomfortable with but that a part of me trusted in a deep way. First it was this site. Then it was seeing a doctor. Then it was AA. Then it was a sponsor who I confided my deepest fears to. It's not like getting a tattoo is going to solve all your problems. Certainly a convenient argument to plead to your ego, which wants to remain as it is. Life is scary. We don't want to change. We want to be comfortable, but somewhere along the line we mistake this apparatus of suffering and pain for who we really are.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Congratulations!! As I journeyed into recovery, I found I could take bits and pieces from various programs, beliefs, etc. I wanted recovery, that wasn't a doubt, but as far as how I got it? Oh, a bit of AA, a bit of buddhism/native American beliefs/AVRT..you name it
I took what I liked and what worked for me, and more than 5 years later..still going strong.
You are doing great!!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I took what I liked and what worked for me, and more than 5 years later..still going strong.You are doing great!!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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