Cry me a river..
 

Heard it, said it, felt it. Truth be hold, we are all a glutten for our own punishment. If something so bad for us, still wins the fight, what are we really crying for? I dont know abotu you, but I am so done with my self pity. My actions outway my words. I'm an alcoholic and my punishments are high. When they come, I have to suffer, not cry why me, why me. I know its going to happen again very soon but the only one to blame is myself, not my disease.

Thats the cold black hearted truth of this. Thats all. Sorry, but its a kick up my own A£$

I'm not sure it's about punishments - more the results of our actions I think :)

I think it's natural to grieve the loss of a major part of our lives - even a bad part.

I also think it's natural that we can come into recovery a little self absorbed too - a lot of us spent a lot of time in our own heads thinking about our needs.

But that's the past :)

I absolutely agree that accepting our lives as is and dealing with the
consequences of our addiction is a vital part of recovery tho.

Just remember you're not alone in this, mysteriousgirl - reach out when you need to :)

D

Acceptance, admittance, ugh.. I haven't even completed step one yet. Only in due time, when I finally admit and accept. I do think I'm finally getting towards that first step (without books and steps because I'm a hard headed +person+). It has to be on my self absorbed terms, not gods. And I know thats a horrible thing to say but its the way my mind works.

Hopefully one day I get it but until then I'm not going to cry and whine about what I've done (ie. jail time, lost loved ones, etc.) because it's MY fault. I have control, if only I steer myself in the right direction.

When I steer, I end up drunk.

I don't steer today.

I surrendered over 14 months ago.

Love,

so does that mean surrender? because when I'm weak, I drink? ... I'm just trying to understand what your statement really means.

I'm hard headed too :)
I'm not a member of any group - except SR.

I've found none of that is any barrier to acceptance or staying sober :)

I believe in God too, but I believe that when He says lets move mountains...he hands me a shovel too :)

Keep moving forward Mysteriousgirl :)

D

WOW, Dee!

49,000 posts!

You are AMAZING, sir! :)

:You_Rock_

LOL I would have missed it...thanks CIH! :)
:blah

D

i really dont see it as punishment. it is the consequences of our actions and there are both good and bad consequences.

the 1st step doesnt involve God. you prolly already know what your "self absorbed terms" have done for you. they got ya drunk.

now, read what ya wrote in yer 1st post:
"I dont know abotu you, but I am so done with my self pity..... When they come, I have to suffer, not cry why me, why me."

then ya wrote in yer next post:
"Hopefully one day I get it but until then I'm not going to cry and whine about what I've done (ie. jail time, lost loved ones, etc.) because it's MY fault."

so, yer done with the self pity at 1:04, then yer gonna whine and cry at 1:46


then ya write:
"I do think I'm finally getting towards that first step (without books and steps because I'm a hard headed +person+). "
now, how can you be taking a step without steps??? are you seeing the insanity of your thinking?

theres only one way to surrender and thats to see yer thinkn aint workin then deflate yer ego. its in the way. then you can become open minded to learning from others who have been where you are( yer not unique) and have a lot of knowledge of what does and doesnt work.

I hear what you are saying , I think. I personally do not cry "why me" when I F-up, and I realize I must suffer the consequences of my actions. I don't think that this is a "black hearted truth," it is just what adults do. It is also easy to say one thing and do another. Everyone has times where there word and actions do not add up, and hopefully we strive to be people of action( I do try). Also, there are times when we try and fail and do what we despise.

I am not religious, but I do find wisdom in the bible and other materials. I think this is a good one,

St. Paul said in Romans that,
“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”

I relate to that.

Take care

Welcome to the team, MysteriousGrl. That was a great post with lots to think about. If I can share my thoughts...

For me, nothing happened until I admitted that alcohol was a big problem for me, and I accepted responsibility for my drinking and what it was doing. Time for me to put on the Big Boy Pants.

One step is all that is really needed - just stop drinking.

This is absolutely true, MysteriousGrl, you do have control. Make sure you maintain that control because you have a lot at stake here.

There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with your thinking to me. You recognize a problem, you see the solution, and you are taking responsibility for your actions.

I agree that in order to find your own personal solution, you need to keep an open mind and explore what others have done. Do some research, look for evidence and make an informed decision about which way you choose to have your journey take you.

Trust in your ability to do what is right for you. Once you have that confidence, go do it! I believe in you, and you will turn out just fine.

MG....
Stop listening to negetive sad songs ..put on bright colors ..and move forward Find someone you can help.

Yes...we can and do recover ...:hug:

You know, here's my thinking on fault, control, and surrender. I'm a hard headed person too, and my experience with getting sober for good and all required me to put away and cease 're-living' my fault/blame/guilt justifications and experiences. Re-hashing these experiences only served to keep me drinking. Like a squirrel in a running cage, I just kept chasing myself, seeking my own absolution, hoping to earn my own style of redemption. I was assuredly at-fault of drinking, of course, and so I rightfully deserved my punishments... it seemed obvious... so true to my deluded thinking.

Well, in a word, NOT.

At the time, I couldn't understand how to work with blame and guilt. I was sure one had to be honest and as much as possible feel guilty and mentally suffer while feeling guilty, otherwise one was being a coward, and irresponsible. Well, I was wrong. Constantly feeling guilty simply beat me up enough where only getting drunk could possibly help me forget my troubles.

And even feeling better while drinking/being drunk didn't last, as we all realise, and so of course I ended right back where I started -- feeling at-fault for my drinking.

Spitting in God's eye didn't help me either, my screaming at God with "Is that all you got?? Give me your best shot!! Stop all this fvcking around and let's finish this already!!" -- again only served to justify my angry resentments and self-loathings on the lousy depths of betrayal of my inner beliefs I had sunk to. I was living like a lost soul in a sea of lost dreams. Drinking again became the only solution to my problem, so I thought, so i believed, so I followed through, and so I kept drinking.

It became clearer each day I was gonna stay drunk more and more unending. I had nothing else to do except be drunk as a solution to my problems, even though I knew drinking only made everything worse, no matter, drunk was better then sober, so drink i did, playing the blame game.

Dying drunk and being dead are two faces of the same coin. I would get flashes of not wanting to be a dead drunk. I had lost so much of everything I loved, and to know I was gonna finally lose my life too within my self-hatred was just to much to take... and so I finally surrendered to my alcoholism. I finally and forever more accepted I was not going to stop drinking even though my death was the final result. As I really embraced my surrender, I also found myself holding a new coin. This one being forged, machined, and struck out of my alcoholism. One face of a sans-alcohol life, the other of a drunken death. Clearly, alcoholism had me cold. No way out. Either die drunk or be a drunk that lives sans-alcohol.

So I surrendered to a life of sobriety. I discovered all my playing with blame/guilt/resentments lost all importance as I stayed sober. My relationship with God changed into a new relationship with a different understanding and this brought to me different spiritual results.

I didn't surrender to wanting sobriety more than wanting to be drunk. I surrendered to my not wanting to die drunk, accepting that, and so only living a life without alcohol would really guarantee my not dying drunk. So be it. At the time, I didn't care whatever about sobriety. Later on within my first few months of not drinking, I discovered my earlier not caring offered me a completely open mind to new ideas and new responsibilities of doing the next right thing to ensure i never went back to being drunk. So my journey started and continues...

And I never did go back. I never will. :)

MysteriousGrl, there is more to your present struggles than being at-fault for drinking. I'm sure you'll discover you're absolutely worth so much more then a plea of guilty and a death sentence. Alcoholism is the thing here to look at and deal with, and not so much who is to blame for whatever. I hope all the best for you as you come into your sobriety. :)

What I see is the big question I had:" What is powerlessness and what does it mean?"

It meant (for me) that I couldn't both control and enjoy drinking. I couldn't predict a whole heck of a lot about me, my actions, the circumstances I'd end up in, and definitely not what happened as a result. I had hit the point where being arrogant didn't help me or work. Neither did feeling sorry for myself, re-hashing the "why's" and "if only's" and "what if I had done ___ instead" stuff, too. My life revolved around planning to drink, drinking (even when it stopped being able to change how I felt), and the left-overs (hangovers, damage done physically and in friendships and relationships and work) from drinking.

The damage done was the unmanageability. My life was wonky before I drank and was miserable when I did. Nothing I did made it better.

When I first stopped, I saw how huge the impact was. My sponsor said I could continue to feel miserable, or I could work the steps and move away from feeling miserable.

Now that I've been sober for a while, I see how, when and where I still choose feeling miserable and fretting sometimes, and it still feels lousy and sucks. I also see how quickly things improve when I get my butt back in gear and live the steps.