MetalChick

By the time I wrote my first post in here I had already been through being arrested for Battery on a Leo, had 2 serious suicide attempts, lost 4 good jobs in a tough economy, had physical fights with my BF (he has never hit me back ever), had risky sexual behavior, blackouts, spent a few nights in the drunk tank, went to work buzzed on a daily, and had countless nights staying up late drinking and acting crazy; Although I have managed not to flunk out of school. Anyways, I had already managed to stop the ultra crazy behavior while drinking by not drinking hard alcohol; only ice and light beer, sometimes wine or FourLoco, and limited myself to 8 16oz beers in a day, and only drank 2 or 3 days a week, and only rarely in the morning. My first post, to me, shows how much I minimized my drinking issues, because I thought I had it under control with the exception of a few long emotional crazy nights, 2 or 3 blackouts when I drank wine with the beer, and anxiety and paranoia the morning after drinking. Even after all these things I have done while drunk, I still blamed them on other issues (sounds crazy I know). I promised my BF I would quit for a month around 5 weeks ago. I thought I could start drinking normally or I would like myself sober and quit, Sapling (an SR member) suggested I go 90 days not 30, and I decided to do that. I am around 5 weeks without beer, and have been to AA 6 times and visit this site pretty much daily. What I have learned is that your stories are my stories. With each post and story I was coming more and more out of denial. The final straw was the recent post by, mwstylee, about using all the vacation days drinking, and making plans, but not going through with them because of drinking instead. That brought me to tears. No more denying it. Yes, I am an alcoholic, and if I go back to drinking, I will eventually destroy my life. It hurts so bad to admit that and I am scared.

sugarbear1

I was, too. I finally committed to staying stopped. In 14 months, things have changed a lot.

There is hope! You can stay stopped, too!!

Hugs,

Dee74

It hurt me too MC - and it was terrifying as well...but it opened the door to a great new life...I'm thankful every day I stepped out of denial

D

MrsKing

MetalChick, this website has also alerted me to the fact that there's no hiding that I am an alcoholic and always will be. When I first came here, I'd been sober 2 months, and although I knew I had issues with alcohol and had no plans to drink any time soon... I didn't fully understand the severity of my issue and that I was, in fact, an alcoholic. Understanding that, at first, was horrifying and upsetting, but over time I am glad that I have come to that conclusion because it means I have been able to deal with things in my mind and know that I can never drink again, EVER. If I hadn't found this website and not realised that I am EXACTLY the same as people who willingly said they were alcoholics, I could have easily started drinking again after a number of months stint at sobriety... now I know differently - I know that I can never drink again, and it is actually very liberating. All the best to you.

Sudz No More

It's great to see how honest with yourself you are being, it is definitely the right next step in your quest for recovery.

I am really trying hard to do the same for myself this time. Hopefully we can both see each other through to permanent sobriety.

Well done

instant

To move on we all have to give up some of the emotional comforts we hold dear.I admire your courage.

MetalChick

You know I never understood that alcoholism was progressive, probably because I thought I was controlling it, but I remember a time when I shocked myself by drinking a whole six pack of regular beers in one night. Now that is nothing. I wouldn't even want to drink if I could only have 6 regular beers, because it would just be a tease.

But, before you guys start thinking I am so brave and all….
Part of me wants a last hurrah, a goodbye to my friend; one last time before I stop. I am really struggling with that now, big time.

CarolD

for me...bottom line....
I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink.

Alcohol is a toxic liquid it has no friendship possibilties MC

doggonecarl

You may want one more last hurrah, but how do you know it will be your last? If you truly admit to being an alcholic, you know how dangerous that kind of thinking is.

Folks here have fallen back to drinking, leave SR and never return. Doesn't mean they still drink. But who knows?

Metal Chick, you've quit. Why go back to square one and deal with all the stuff you went through to get where you are now.

I have quit countless times, to no avail. But this time it stuck. I've quit. I'm not quitting again because I'm not drinking again.

Good luck.

RevivingOphelia

I get scared too. There's no denying this is tough. The progressive nature of it is also super baffling to me, too. I remember a bottle of wine did the trick. This year two (and even a bit more some nights) is what I drank. Also, the increasing time off work for hangovers was messed up.

Being here on SR has also done me a world of good.


Wishing you the best.

Someguy23

For what it's worth, I had a "hurrah" a few days ago. Whether or not it will be the last one remains to be seen, but I can tell you it was nothing like saying goodbye to a friend (and I've said goodbye to my share of friends in my time).

Saying goodbye to a friend is a bittersweet feeling when you just realize the potential connection between the two of you and exchange good wishes and promises to get together whenever possible.

It was more like a nasty break-up, with all the unpleasentness and unnecessary drama associated with one such situation. Also, vomiting.

SDSurfn

One last "hurrah" could last for years. And there's no guarantee we'll make it back to recovery.

The progression also baffles me and amazes me.

Towards the end I had to buy handles (1.75 L) because a even a fifth wasn't enough.

MalkavianEmily

It took a lot for me to admit that I was an alcoholic. For the first couple of meetings I was at, I didn't want to speak because I didn't want to say 'the A word'.
Then I was at a meeting where we all introduced ourselves. I still couldn't say 'the A word'.
And then I got drunk while I was with my fiance. All the excuses I'd made (he had as well) were shown to be just that. I had three days of blackouts. The bits I remember, looking back, weren't that happy either, and I'd always been a happy drunk - at least that's how I remembered it.
Even now, I struggle to accept it. I know that I am, and yes, sometimes it makes me angry, and sometimes it makes me sad.
Well done for realising, and for recognising that you're an alcoholic. That's an important step. Whether it's the same as accepting it... I don't know. You're stronger than you think. You can stay sober. And why go back to those early days of recovery?

freshstart57

The 'progression' is easy to understand. It is a simple fact of our bodies adjusting to our alcohol intake, and becoming tolerant of it. Happens with all sorts of drugs, all the time, to everybody. Folks receiving palliative care for end of life diseases need more and more morphine or hydrocodone to get pain relief, for example.

Live2Run25

Metal.. don't do it. Why throw away the 5 weeks you have now? Chances are, once you get that crap back into your system, it may start another binge or something all over again. You've bid it goodbye. Forget about it. Focus on your boyfriend, and making your life better. Please don't go back.

MetalChick

Thanks guys,
Here I am crying again, Jeez. Well, I made it. I thought a lot about what you said. If if I have a last "hurrah" it could turn into doing something really stupid, or going on a 3 day bender. I also thought that there is a danger I will have a good time and think I am in control and keep drinking, or have a bad time and want another last goodbye,so I can go out with a good time, or even that I will feel so bad I will drink again to get over that.
I looked at the list I made of reasons I can't drink and read that over a dozen times.

It was a good thing I didn't drink too, because my BF had a surprise visit from a family member,and we went out for dinner. If I would have been drunk, I would have had to hide in my room, or go out trashed making a fool of myself. Dodged that bullet.

Anyhow, I am going to have to work up the courage to tell my BF that I need to go to AA. I am working on that.

I am so glad I didn't drink, and I do not want to throw away the time I have or have another 10 years in a alcohol induced fog.

Thanks for all your support. I honestly don't know what I would do without you.

freshstart57

Well done, MetalChick. You did it! Feels good, huh?

TexasBloom

Awesome! Just stay in right-this-moment as much as you can, and if it were me, I'd just up and go to a meeting. It's your recovery.

I realized I was done not because I saw that I was drinking while pregnant (which of course was a big red flag to the other folks I drank with, even), but when I really knew that I couldn't predict what would happen when I drank, where I'd end up, how I'd act, how I'd feel (the goal was to not feel), or where I'd wake up. I used phrases like "couch surfing" to deny my homelessness. I was financially broke, had one friend remaining from my previous sobriety and was incredibly lonely everywhere I went. This all caught up with me over the last two weeks of drinking. Once I'd decided to have a "hurrah", it ended up being only two drinks, because as much as I wanted them, I wanted more to be sober. I felt "done", because the consequences and damage I'd done were unavoidable.

Keep with meetings and find a sponsor who is humble and will take you through the steps with an understanding mind. It will change your life.

MalkavianEmily

Congrats Metalchick. Feels good, doesn't it?
As for finding the courage to tell your BF that you need to go to AA, it's tricky. I got into trouble because I didn't tell my friends that I'd quit drinking, and ended up by myself at the bar.
I'm sure you'll find a way to tell him when the time is right. For now, concentrate on your recovery.

MetalChick

Yep TexasBloom,

I am afraid to drink now because I don't know what I will do. I am glad you mentioned that. It's another reason not to drink. I thought for years that I was one of those drinkers that was always in control when I was drunk. Like I was aware of everything, remembered everything, and knew how to act. I am sure that was a lie, but as I progressed I got to a point of being very out of control, not remembering with black outs'; you know, the kit and kaboodle.

Also Tex, I have been to a few meeting, I just haven't told my BF, but I am going to have to do that... soon. I think we are going to have the talk tonight

I will do my best to stay in the moment and not worry about tomorrow, I think that helps a lot.

Today I choose not to drink