This is strange for me but...here goes
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 5
This is strange for me but...here goes
Hi everyone
I am a 22 year old recent college graduate living in the United States. I found this forum doing research on the possibility that I may have a problem with Alcohol. Anyways, I began drinking my freshmen year of college when I was 18 years old. Since I attended somewhat of a "party school" I wanted to not only "fit in" but also "live it up" as best I could for those 4 years. Unfortunately drinking often caused me problems from the beginning.
It became quite apparent that I was drinking far too much from the start even to me, but I would not accept the fact that I had a problem although I would often joke about it with my friends. I would often black out and wake up confused and embarrassed about the night before. Still, i would maintain the belief that there was no problem because I had learned that alcoholics had a physical dependence on alcohol and I only drank on weekends.
Time went on and I found myself getting very drunk to help me on social situations as I am a very shy person by nature. Of course I would never know when to stop and would often end up very drunk and make things much worse for myself. Personal problems in my life along with these drinking binges soon started to make me depressed. I would often drink a lot only to become very angry and would explode on the friends I was partying with. This went on until about my senior year when I told myself I was no longer going to become angry and just enjoy my final year at school.
Despite almost never being angry that final year at school i found myself drinking more than ever. This time I was extremely happy every time I was very drunk which would only drive me to drink more. The problem was that even though I was happy while drunk I was often depressed while sober during the week and even began to feel suicidal. Perhaps the lowest point of my drinking came this year when a drinking binge coupled with marijuana use landed me in the hospital for a night. I thought this would put a stop to my ridiculous binge drinking but it really didn't. I was still getting trashed every weekend night.
Then came after graduation when I was invited to one of my friends house to celebrate his graduation from the same school as me. As he was one of my best friends I felt obligated to go. He lived about 3 hours away and my entire drive i kept thinking about all the drinking I had done over the past 4 years and how stupid i had been and how I wasnt going to get drunk at this party. However when I got there that is exactly what I did. My friend kept on encouraging me to drink since he knew that was what I normally did at parties and I eventually caved. The next thing I knew i was getting drunker and drunker until I once again blacked out. The next morning I woke up feeling that familiar confused and embarrassed feeling I had grown accustomed to. It was clear to me at that point I had a problem.
So here I am now a recent college graduate looking for a job while living at home. I feel that i have done damage to my body as I feel pains that seem to be from my liver as well as headaches that i believe to be a result of constant drinking. I fear getting it checked out because I dont want my parents to know. My job search is often interrupted by periods of depression at the realization that I seem to have basically thrown away my college experience as a result of getting so drunk so often. I don't know what to do and think about suicide often. I don't want to die but I'm not sure I can live with myself realizing all of the stupid things I've done and i fear that my body may have taken damage that is irreversible. i have come here hoping for some advice an support. Sorry for the length of this post.
I am a 22 year old recent college graduate living in the United States. I found this forum doing research on the possibility that I may have a problem with Alcohol. Anyways, I began drinking my freshmen year of college when I was 18 years old. Since I attended somewhat of a "party school" I wanted to not only "fit in" but also "live it up" as best I could for those 4 years. Unfortunately drinking often caused me problems from the beginning.
It became quite apparent that I was drinking far too much from the start even to me, but I would not accept the fact that I had a problem although I would often joke about it with my friends. I would often black out and wake up confused and embarrassed about the night before. Still, i would maintain the belief that there was no problem because I had learned that alcoholics had a physical dependence on alcohol and I only drank on weekends.
Time went on and I found myself getting very drunk to help me on social situations as I am a very shy person by nature. Of course I would never know when to stop and would often end up very drunk and make things much worse for myself. Personal problems in my life along with these drinking binges soon started to make me depressed. I would often drink a lot only to become very angry and would explode on the friends I was partying with. This went on until about my senior year when I told myself I was no longer going to become angry and just enjoy my final year at school.
Despite almost never being angry that final year at school i found myself drinking more than ever. This time I was extremely happy every time I was very drunk which would only drive me to drink more. The problem was that even though I was happy while drunk I was often depressed while sober during the week and even began to feel suicidal. Perhaps the lowest point of my drinking came this year when a drinking binge coupled with marijuana use landed me in the hospital for a night. I thought this would put a stop to my ridiculous binge drinking but it really didn't. I was still getting trashed every weekend night.
Then came after graduation when I was invited to one of my friends house to celebrate his graduation from the same school as me. As he was one of my best friends I felt obligated to go. He lived about 3 hours away and my entire drive i kept thinking about all the drinking I had done over the past 4 years and how stupid i had been and how I wasnt going to get drunk at this party. However when I got there that is exactly what I did. My friend kept on encouraging me to drink since he knew that was what I normally did at parties and I eventually caved. The next thing I knew i was getting drunker and drunker until I once again blacked out. The next morning I woke up feeling that familiar confused and embarrassed feeling I had grown accustomed to. It was clear to me at that point I had a problem.
So here I am now a recent college graduate looking for a job while living at home. I feel that i have done damage to my body as I feel pains that seem to be from my liver as well as headaches that i believe to be a result of constant drinking. I fear getting it checked out because I dont want my parents to know. My job search is often interrupted by periods of depression at the realization that I seem to have basically thrown away my college experience as a result of getting so drunk so often. I don't know what to do and think about suicide often. I don't want to die but I'm not sure I can live with myself realizing all of the stupid things I've done and i fear that my body may have taken damage that is irreversible. i have come here hoping for some advice an support. Sorry for the length of this post.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,368
Hi gottariseabove 
I think your name says it all really...you can wander around with your past tied to you like a boulder or you can decided to draw a line and leave it behind in your dust.
I was the neighbourhood drunk - but I've rescued my reputation and turned that around now. Instead of worrying over the years I wasted - years I can;t do anything about now anyway - I try and focus on doing the best job with stuff today. It really works.
It's simple - but it's not as easy as that of course. It will probably take a fair amount of work- but you're not alone and you'll fine a lot of support here. We understand
& I really recommend you get some help too if you're feeling depressed and suicidal - there's no reason why any of us should feel that way...please do get some professional help, ok?
welcome to SR
D
I think your name says it all really...you can wander around with your past tied to you like a boulder or you can decided to draw a line and leave it behind in your dust.
I was the neighbourhood drunk - but I've rescued my reputation and turned that around now. Instead of worrying over the years I wasted - years I can;t do anything about now anyway - I try and focus on doing the best job with stuff today. It really works.
It's simple - but it's not as easy as that of course. It will probably take a fair amount of work- but you're not alone and you'll fine a lot of support here. We understand
& I really recommend you get some help too if you're feeling depressed and suicidal - there's no reason why any of us should feel that way...please do get some professional help, ok?
welcome to SR
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 457
Welcome!
My drinking started out that way.
What I always hear, is that if you have to ask, you probably are.
I suggest you find an AA meeting, give it a try.
If you're lucky you will learn now what took me 20 years to learn.
My drinking started out that way.
What I always hear, is that if you have to ask, you probably are.
I suggest you find an AA meeting, give it a try.
If you're lucky you will learn now what took me 20 years to learn.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Wappingers Falls, NY
Posts: 618
Re:This is strange for me but...here goes Yeah, I went to a party school also (Oswego), and like you had experienced numerous blackouts myself, but the physical dependence stage you talked about is similar to binge drinking except for the withdrawals. I went through various stages of withdrawal, not only in my college years, but way into my adult life as well. And until I could finally understand ‘why’ I drank, I would still be stuck in that not so friendly confine of plausible deniability –but I’m not. The truth is; I fit ‘that’ mold way before I entered my college years, and until I accepted that fact in its entirety I would still be drinking even today, probably. So for me, it’s all about reasoning today not conjecture. And that’s where my sober life truly began; from within.
Here’s the thing, though; it’s a conscious decision I had to make on my own, even though it was made ‘for’ me, kind of. I had to surrender totally or self destruct trying –whatever came first. So Guess what, I self destructed; but luckily I have my wits about me today –which, by the way, came from the most unlikely of sources A.A. So be grateful for today and what you have because it can teach you a lot about tomorrow, before it happens.
I’m an alcoholic, and maybe you are too; but, again, only you can decide. The strange thing, though, is I don’t have any regrets today like I once did, and I guess it’s because of sobriety after all. So my suggestion is quite simple actually: I would get connected and start attending meetings like the rest of us; but, again, that’s a decision we make ourselves. The only way I could realize my true potential, beyond what I’d already learned, was to educate myself on the facts while I still could. It was also an education in humility, which for me started with surrendering. So surrender yourself and start recovering now, before it’s too late. It can only get better from here, sober of course. We promise…
Here’s the thing, though; it’s a conscious decision I had to make on my own, even though it was made ‘for’ me, kind of. I had to surrender totally or self destruct trying –whatever came first. So Guess what, I self destructed; but luckily I have my wits about me today –which, by the way, came from the most unlikely of sources A.A. So be grateful for today and what you have because it can teach you a lot about tomorrow, before it happens.
I’m an alcoholic, and maybe you are too; but, again, only you can decide. The strange thing, though, is I don’t have any regrets today like I once did, and I guess it’s because of sobriety after all. So my suggestion is quite simple actually: I would get connected and start attending meetings like the rest of us; but, again, that’s a decision we make ourselves. The only way I could realize my true potential, beyond what I’d already learned, was to educate myself on the facts while I still could. It was also an education in humility, which for me started with surrendering. So surrender yourself and start recovering now, before it’s too late. It can only get better from here, sober of course. We promise…
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
the day after my last drunk all of my past was in my face and i wasnt stuffing it any more. i saw all of the wreckage i had left in my wake and was miserable and desperate. the pain of getting drunk had finaly exceeded the pain of reality. i had to do something.
so there i was thinking of all the things i had "tried" before to stop drinking and get sober. i knew none of em would work because they didnt work before, so i narrowed my choices down to 2: go to AA or kill myself. i hated my self that bad.
i chose AA and was givin it 90 days and iffen nothin changed, on to option #2. that was 7+ years ago. i have been able to clear away the wreckage of my past and actually like myself! i am actually a pretty useful person in this world! not out leaving wreckage anymore!
as for the physical symptoms, i suggest you leave any diagnosis up to someone qualified, as in a doctor. not letting your parents know is prolly something you did when drinking and to get sober requires change, so it looks like a good place to start changing. how bad do ya wanna get sober?
so there i was thinking of all the things i had "tried" before to stop drinking and get sober. i knew none of em would work because they didnt work before, so i narrowed my choices down to 2: go to AA or kill myself. i hated my self that bad.
i chose AA and was givin it 90 days and iffen nothin changed, on to option #2. that was 7+ years ago. i have been able to clear away the wreckage of my past and actually like myself! i am actually a pretty useful person in this world! not out leaving wreckage anymore!
as for the physical symptoms, i suggest you leave any diagnosis up to someone qualified, as in a doctor. not letting your parents know is prolly something you did when drinking and to get sober requires change, so it looks like a good place to start changing. how bad do ya wanna get sober?
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
I don't often say what will work for someone, but I can guarantee that abstinence is likely your only "happy" road. Your drinking is very much mine in my college days and it only gets worse. There are some problem drinkers that can learn to manage their drinking, but you aren't one of them. Really, it is no big deal to be "allergic" to alcohol. It is truly a physical difference over which you have no control. The only big deal would be if you keep trying to "learn" to drink normally. There will only be pain. Otherwise you are normal in every respect and can have a wonderful life. Most people don't drink, especially to extremes, it just appears to "us" that they do. Good luck.
Really, it is no big deal to be "allergic" to alcohol. It is truly a physical difference over which you have no control. The only big deal would be if you keep trying to "learn" to drink normally. There will only be pain. Otherwise you are normal in every respect and can have a wonderful life. Most people don't drink, especially to extremes, it just appears to "us" that they do. Good luck.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Sounds like you learned a very valuable lesson in college. you KNOW you don't like the results of living drunk, and sound like you are ready to live sober.
You have an insight right now that will not only save your life, but pave it solidly toward a fulfilling future.
Not a single good reason to waste another moment of your life drunk or in regret. Leave that behind, the folly of youth, and move forward making positive choices for yourself.
Our bodies and minds are more resilient that we often realize, and healthy living, thinking and behaving will lead to a quick turnaround in many areas.
The best graduation gift you can give yourself is to do whatever it takes to put alcohol behind you and build recovery. Therapy, a recover program, spending time here, a full medical check up, are all great ways to support yourself.
Regret over the bad choices you've already made really accomplishes little. the best thing we can do with out regrets is to cash them in for a smarter tomorrow.
No use throwing good potential, which from your post you have a lot of, into the trash because we've done some messed up stuff. That would be truly sad.
Instead, we put our misguided pasts behind us and create a fulfilling future. Your honest shares here, as you create a sober life for yourself will also be a gift to other young people who are often hesitant to acknowledge that college drinking is not normal, healthy or something to be unconcerned about. You sharing recovery will help others on their way as well.
Please don't let fear of "short term" consequences keep you from making life saving and life altering improvements.
Your parents (I am one, so trust me) would MUCH rather find out you had a drinking problem in college and are dealing with it, than deal with you wasting the rest of your life or killing yourself with booze.
A little pain now, for a lifetime of freedom.
You have an insight right now that will not only save your life, but pave it solidly toward a fulfilling future.
Not a single good reason to waste another moment of your life drunk or in regret. Leave that behind, the folly of youth, and move forward making positive choices for yourself.
Our bodies and minds are more resilient that we often realize, and healthy living, thinking and behaving will lead to a quick turnaround in many areas.
The best graduation gift you can give yourself is to do whatever it takes to put alcohol behind you and build recovery. Therapy, a recover program, spending time here, a full medical check up, are all great ways to support yourself.
Regret over the bad choices you've already made really accomplishes little. the best thing we can do with out regrets is to cash them in for a smarter tomorrow.
No use throwing good potential, which from your post you have a lot of, into the trash because we've done some messed up stuff. That would be truly sad.
Instead, we put our misguided pasts behind us and create a fulfilling future. Your honest shares here, as you create a sober life for yourself will also be a gift to other young people who are often hesitant to acknowledge that college drinking is not normal, healthy or something to be unconcerned about. You sharing recovery will help others on their way as well.
Please don't let fear of "short term" consequences keep you from making life saving and life altering improvements.
Your parents (I am one, so trust me) would MUCH rather find out you had a drinking problem in college and are dealing with it, than deal with you wasting the rest of your life or killing yourself with booze.
A little pain now, for a lifetime of freedom.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: London, England
Posts: 724
gottariseabove. First, welcome to SR :ghug3:
In some ways, you're really lucky to realise this now. For me, it took... quite a few years more than that. Mainly because for most of them I didn't even think about my drinking. All we can do is learn from our past and move on.
I too was a happy drunk. But when it wore off, that's when it hit me. The misery, the anger, the self loathing. Is that why I spent years on ADs? I don't know. I don't have a lot of memories of those years. Every so often something comes back, and it's not nice. Makes me glad I don't have many memories.
I have to agree with DAB. I'd try to get to an AA meeting and, as they say, listen for the similarities not the differences.
My second meeting was the one where things really clicked for me, it was also the one that I turned up to when I'd been drinking, although it took a couple more weeks before I could bring myself to use the A word.
But you've made a good start by coming here and posting. We're here for you and we understand. And we care.
In some ways, you're really lucky to realise this now. For me, it took... quite a few years more than that. Mainly because for most of them I didn't even think about my drinking. All we can do is learn from our past and move on.
I too was a happy drunk. But when it wore off, that's when it hit me. The misery, the anger, the self loathing. Is that why I spent years on ADs? I don't know. I don't have a lot of memories of those years. Every so often something comes back, and it's not nice. Makes me glad I don't have many memories.
I have to agree with DAB. I'd try to get to an AA meeting and, as they say, listen for the similarities not the differences.
My second meeting was the one where things really clicked for me, it was also the one that I turned up to when I'd been drinking, although it took a couple more weeks before I could bring myself to use the A word.
But you've made a good start by coming here and posting. We're here for you and we understand. And we care.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 3
Hi gotta rise above,
I would have to agree with other posters, you sound like me in my early college drinking. For me it only got worse. I too, so many times, had every intention of not getting drunk, and would end up doing so. I learned in AA that I was different from other drinkers, even from other heavy drinkers, because I was a alcoholic. I had no control over my drinking, and because I had the disease of alcoholism (even in my college years when I too only drank on the weekends for the most part), I could never predict how much I was going to drink once I started drinking. If you are an alcoholic like me( which it sounds to me like you are), then you have a disease and are physically and mentally different from non-alcoholics. So the blaming yourself and hating yourself is not really fair. You can take action now to get help, because being an alcoholic is nothing to be ashamed about. You didn't choose it. Who would chose that for themselves? It is not a weakness of character. For me what worked was going into treatment and attending AA meetings, letting them know I was a newcomer to the program. I really wish you all the best. I know the program of AA worked for me, and I know so many young people in my AA group, your same age, who have found a solution and now have a purposeful, happy life.
I would have to agree with other posters, you sound like me in my early college drinking. For me it only got worse. I too, so many times, had every intention of not getting drunk, and would end up doing so. I learned in AA that I was different from other drinkers, even from other heavy drinkers, because I was a alcoholic. I had no control over my drinking, and because I had the disease of alcoholism (even in my college years when I too only drank on the weekends for the most part), I could never predict how much I was going to drink once I started drinking. If you are an alcoholic like me( which it sounds to me like you are), then you have a disease and are physically and mentally different from non-alcoholics. So the blaming yourself and hating yourself is not really fair. You can take action now to get help, because being an alcoholic is nothing to be ashamed about. You didn't choose it. Who would chose that for themselves? It is not a weakness of character. For me what worked was going into treatment and attending AA meetings, letting them know I was a newcomer to the program. I really wish you all the best. I know the program of AA worked for me, and I know so many young people in my AA group, your same age, who have found a solution and now have a purposeful, happy life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 5
First off I want to thank everyone who took the time to read and respond to my post. I felt very alone in what I was feeling until then but after reading your responses as well as other posts on this board I feel like this problem is something I can tackle. I haven’t been drunk in a few weeks however I still have concerns mainly the physical pains I have been feeling. I want to get them checked out but I don’t know how to bring it up to my parents even though I have thought about it since leaving school. I am their youngest child and really just don’t want them to worry for me too much anymore. I want to find a job as soon as possible so I can leave them worry free about their children as soon as possible and I fear that telling them about my issues with alcohol will cause them to worry for me for many more years as well as be disappointed in the way I acted in college. I’m trying to strive to be independent of them and I fear that their knowledge of my problem will inhibit that independence.
My other concern is about my friends from school. Many of them are still in school and I would like to be able to visit and hang out with them again but I fear that if I go and visit them on a weekend it will only lead to drinking which I have established I cannot handle.
The last concern is that by nature I have always been one to dwell in the past and since I have finished school not a day has gone by that I haven’t analyzed some part my college experience and the ways that I ruined it. In almost every way it all comes down to alcohol and I just can’t stand it. I remember when I first started college I told myself that alcohol would never have any significant effect on my life but now that it has it just makes me more and more depressed. I have always had sympathy for those addicted to different things but I never believed that it could happen to me. I never thought that I would be “that kid” that was always much too drunk at every party. I know I need to put the past behind me in order to ever move on but I just have trouble doing so.
My other concern is about my friends from school. Many of them are still in school and I would like to be able to visit and hang out with them again but I fear that if I go and visit them on a weekend it will only lead to drinking which I have established I cannot handle.
The last concern is that by nature I have always been one to dwell in the past and since I have finished school not a day has gone by that I haven’t analyzed some part my college experience and the ways that I ruined it. In almost every way it all comes down to alcohol and I just can’t stand it. I remember when I first started college I told myself that alcohol would never have any significant effect on my life but now that it has it just makes me more and more depressed. I have always had sympathy for those addicted to different things but I never believed that it could happen to me. I never thought that I would be “that kid” that was always much too drunk at every party. I know I need to put the past behind me in order to ever move on but I just have trouble doing so.
I looked like that holdin beer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 627
I also dwell on the past. For example, I took the dog to the park today, and I must have tortured my mind with at least 10 memories, worries, and analogies about stupid stuff I did while I was drunk, and how it effected this event or that. Those things are sometimes constant in my mind. I am hoping that the longer I am sober, the easier it will become to put the past behind me and build new experiences wherein I can be proud. People tell me that time and sobriety make it possible, and I have to believe them; that it will get better.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Glad you are not drinking....that is huge...
I too was a blackout drinker who then became depressed
Turned out that alcohol caused the depression..
That is when I began AA....and it has proven to be an
awesome adventure in how to enjoy a sober life...
Welcome to our recovery community...
I too was a blackout drinker who then became depressed
Turned out that alcohol caused the depression..
That is when I began AA....and it has proven to be an
awesome adventure in how to enjoy a sober life...
Welcome to our recovery community...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Hi gottarise. When I joined here I was in my 50's. I didn't have the sense to take a cold, hard look at my drinking when I was young like you. I lived all those decades in a numb fog, sometimes having a good time - but mostly just going through the motions & not actually experiencing life. I never grew or changed - and I put myself in many dangerous predicaments. You will never have to experience what many of us have - more than half our lives wasted.
When I joined SR I was desperate for relief from my misery. I was reliving my past, all the sadness and tragedy - to the point that I was totally frozen. Remorse and guilt and deep regret haunted me constantly. I knew in my heart I had to get sober, and I'd try - but would end up pacing the floor at night all alone with my memories. I'd drink just to turn off my thoughts.
After I came here and opened up about my feelings, Dee gave me a bit of advice that changed everything. He said as long as I kept rehashing the past I'd never be able to move forward. I needed to forgive myself and reach out for the life I still had right in front of me. That day I felt unburdened, and I've never looked at my past the same way. That sick person was not me, and I had to find the real me that was buried inside.
You are so much more than a guy who drank his way through college - that's obvious from your excellent post. Give yourself a break. Be kind and forgiving. You truly will rise above. Keep talking to us and let us know how it's going.
When I joined SR I was desperate for relief from my misery. I was reliving my past, all the sadness and tragedy - to the point that I was totally frozen. Remorse and guilt and deep regret haunted me constantly. I knew in my heart I had to get sober, and I'd try - but would end up pacing the floor at night all alone with my memories. I'd drink just to turn off my thoughts.
After I came here and opened up about my feelings, Dee gave me a bit of advice that changed everything. He said as long as I kept rehashing the past I'd never be able to move forward. I needed to forgive myself and reach out for the life I still had right in front of me. That day I felt unburdened, and I've never looked at my past the same way. That sick person was not me, and I had to find the real me that was buried inside.
You are so much more than a guy who drank his way through college - that's obvious from your excellent post. Give yourself a break. Be kind and forgiving. You truly will rise above. Keep talking to us and let us know how it's going.
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