Noro

Hi folks. I haven't been on here a whole lot lately. After three months of being sober, I went back to drinking around the end of May, and have been drinking steadily since (varying between one or two pints of vodka a day, or a few high gravity beers). I was diagnosed with Alcoholic Hepatitis back in February, detoxed, and got clean. Since then, up until my relapse, my health was improving and I was taking very good care of myself. Foolishly though, I allowed this to fool me into thinking I was okay to drink again. I would keep tempting myself, getting a bottle from the liquor store and just stare at it for days, then pouring it out, only to get another one the next day. Eventually I gave in and drank for over a month.

I'm not asking for medical advice or anything. I'm mostly just scared and in a tough spot, and need to let it out. I've had a terrible day or withdrawal and what feels like liver trouble. I don't have any jaundice yet like last time. Just difficulty eating, little to no appetite, some itchiness, and general physical discomfort. I'm considering going back to the hospital. I really do not want to go back to the hospital. I really just wish I hadn't done this. Things were starting to get a little bit better (not a whole lot better, but somewhat). Alcohol has destroyed me once again. I've spent today exhausted but completely incapable of sleep. My head gets flooded with negative thoughts and fears when I try to lay down. I know I can't continue to drink anymore, and I don't have any money for alcohol anyway, so I've just been pacing in my room, depressed over all kinds of matters, and wondering if I'm going to die. I kept trying to think of someone I could call and talk to, but I think I've burned all my bridges. I couldn't think of anyone.

I really hate this poison. It has physically ravaged my insides and turned me into the most miserable human being I know of. I'm 24 years old, with no job, no college education to speak of, and basically no friends. Feel totally incapable of functioning without this stuff, yet deep down I know it's the main thing that keeps me from functioning. Imagining life completely sober is scary for me. But then again, I don't even know how much longer I've got left. I'm going to have to see a doctor and go through detox and liver tests all over again. I had a second chance, I was getting better, and I threw it away. I feel so totally chained to alcohol, and it has come to define my life. It gets me through the day and puts me to sleep. Sometimes it even wakes me up in the morning. I'm dying from something I honestly hate.

Sorry to be such a bummer on here. I'm scared that I've ruined my life for good. I was here once before and I got a second chance. I should not have done this.

bloss

You are doing the right thing to reach out for help, a few things, if you are feeling sick, go get medical advice, don't drink anymore alcohol! Try to remember when you had sober time before, you can do it again! Keep posting, use whatever program works best for you! Take care of yourself

Dee74

Whats done is done Noro.

The important thing now is take care of yourself - see the Dr - get the tests - and think carefully about what else you need to do now to stop drinking and stay stopped.

Is rehab an option for you?

D

MrsKing

Welcome back SR Noro. I'm sorry to hear that you are having a very hard time right now and wish I could help you. I know that you don't want to, but I think hospital is probably the best option if you are feeling unwell. You haven't failed Noro... you have had a setback, and many people have those. Please try to focus on getting sober again rather than on the drinking you've been doing recently. We can't change the past, we can only change our futures... don't rule out that you can succeed, because you can. I'm 24 too and I say all the time that it doesn't matter what your age is, there's never a better time to give up than the present. You can do this, Noro. You can be the sober person you want to be. Please go to see a medical professional and get the help you need. We here at SR are here to support you, too. Let us know how you get on. Thinking of you.

Noro

Thank you for the replies and the support, everyone. My main concern right now is what I've done to myself physically. I am afraid of the damage I've done to myself. I know I have to see a doctor, and I'm hoping they don't have me stay at the hospital for days again for detox and liver tests. I've done this all before. I'm ashamed that I'm here again. I'm ashamed to show up at the hospital again, having relapsed and done more damage. I just hope that I can recover and finally stop drinking completely. Drinking is no longer an option. I don't want to spend any more of my life sick and unhappy.

Dee, I am considering rehab, maybe outpatient. I know I have to quit, as my body just can't handle anymore abuse. I can't keep falling back into this pattern of relapsing and feeling sorry for myself. I tried AA but just didn't commit, I guess. I stopped showing up and felt "strong" enough to stay sober on my own. I do need to find some kind of treatment, some kind of help, in order to stay sober. I need to.

It blows my mind that after everything I went through, I still went back to the bottle. After it's brought me nothing good and has reduced my life to so little. I cannot understand how I just shrugged it off and drank. And then I drank in order to forget how stupid it was to drink. It was inevitable that something was gonna give.

FBL

My drinking put me in the emergency room with horrible anxiety. I imagined all sorts of terrible damage that I'd done to my mind and body over 30 years of drinking. I thought there was no way I could ever quit drinking and that I'd die a slow, drunken death. That was over 3 years ago. Admitting I was an alcoholic was the scariest thing that's ever happened to me, getting sober was the best thing I've ever done.

Zee

Hey Noro
Fellow liver sufferer here. I remember your other posts and was really glad that you were off the alcohol. It just shows what hold it has on us.

I had malnutrition and asctites. Not yellow (grey maybe) or no blood. But I was in hospital for a month. My hospital discharge papers stated decompensated liver disease, atol hepatitis (liver-inflamation (Greek)) malnutrition blah blah. I was tube fed for 3 weeks. I hadn't eaten hardly anything for a couple of months before hospitalization except lots of vodka. If there is anything else you want to know about what I went through, please let me know.

I also posted a before and after pic of me (you'll find it in a recent previous post) The thing is... you are young, your liver can regenerate. You just have to come to terms with the fact that you can't drink again. I am only just coming to terms with this myself. I am 10 and a half months sober now. You have to concentrate on being well because your life is worth it!

Being sick with liver damage is not fun. It effects parts of you anatomy that you wouldn't believe could be affected. Loss of hair pigment, joint ache, fatigue, breathlessness. Thats just a few of them. I was so weak in hospital, I had to be hoisted in and out of the bath like an old lady... I was 40 at the time. That sucked, seriously. Go to hospital, have the tests, get well, abstain...live.

TheRandomPotato

So?... Alcohol gets you trough the day. And what you done to yourself you pay for now. The real question is, why are you unhappy with yourself. Why the alcohol? What made you start in the first place? Treat that and you will not need it the same way. Feeling sorry for yourself will not help you at all. Ive been there. gone trough it and done it! It does nothing for you. Reaching out will not help either, it might give a shallow comfort that people around you care. Come to terms with what and who you are and accept that for yourself. Because in there lies the strength that you need to live life. Life is relative, there are good times as much as bad times, will always be, even if you drink alcohol or not. Or whatever one might use, it will never improve until YOU are happy with YOURSELF! Think about it, why are some "happy" drunks and users and others are aggressive and need to prove their point?! The problem is YOU not the substance. And you will always have a chance to turn yourself around. You know what... my grandfather fought in the second world war, against the Russians as a machine gunner and he drove home wounded soldiers day in and out on his horse and cart. My grandmother would ask his fellow soldiers that came home for R&R how he was doing.. They said "Last thing i saw he was sitting up against a birch tree crying. He was there from 1939 to 1945. 6 years. This is the point, he never touched an ounce of alcohol, never smoked or did anything. But instead he was evil, vicious and cruel to his family at home after. So here we sit, feeling sorry for our self's. The problem is not alcohol or substance. It is you! IF you are not happy with yourself, you cannot make anyone else happy ;-) You can drink, but why would you if you are happy with yourself and life. Think about it.

All the best.
A human.

Noro

FormerBeerLover - I know the feeling. I've had a variety of substances put me in the hospital, often anxiety-related, but alcohol is the one that nearly killed me. I've only been drinking heavily for about 3 and a half years now, but I guess somehow I'm more vulnerable to liver damage. I do hope I can really stick to sobriety this time around.

Zee - I'm glad you're recovering so well. You definitely do look much healthier and generally brighter in your after photo. Maybe I'll try some before-after pictures to keep me in line. And I do hope you're right that my liver can regenerate. I'm sitting here scared that I've done permanent damage, that I've drastically shortened my life, or even that I might find out I'm going to die this time. It's one thing that I had alcoholic hepatitis, but to dive right back into drinking just three months after getting out of detox can't be good. I'm very scared to go to the hospital, for a number of reasons. Mostly I just don't want my family to know that I've relapsed so badly. I know, though, that I need to get this checked out and get better. Hopefully I still have a chance..

TheRandomPotato - I do agree that I have a lot of work I need to do on myself, and I'm not currently happy with myself. My dissatisfaction with myself and my life is what led me to drinking so heavily. It was totally self-indulgent and just gave me a lousy excuse to sit around and waste my early 20s. I have a lot of work I need to do on myself and my life, and instead I've chosen to waste my time and destroy my health by getting drunk all day and night. I think that being happy with myself starts with sobering up.

davaidavai

One thing that struck me the last time I visited the doctor was that I wasn't thinking straight. "You aren't thinking straight," he told me. And in a flash of clarity, I realized that I wasn't. Clarity is difficult. When you're messed up, you feel like you have a position to defend. This might be because you are messed up from spending so much time in a precarious, dicey situation in which you always feel like you have to defend against something. You become a creature of reflex. You feel attacked by life and the world. You don't know how or when to defend yourself and so you close yourself off. Enter the spiral in which you become a servant to your despair. The addiction wants to survive and so by closing yourself off, you defend it. The thing it wants the least is for you to take a leap into something new and untested where you shed your previous state. That leap is a leap, meaning it requires holding your breath and jumping.

Noro

Thanks for this reply, davaidavai. It has honestly given me a lot to think about. I do need to leave this state of mind, and state of living, behind me for something new, something that doesn't feel like a trap.

I haven't slept in around 30 hours, but I'm feeling a little better than I was yesterday. I'm still having pains in my abdomen, but it's easier to eat. I think I ought to make that doctor's appointment now.

Veritas1

It's a good thing we get more than one chance. Don't give up.

I am sorry to read what happened for you.

I can relate to having those feelings that you described.

I can tell you that wallowing in those feelings never helped me.

Prayer helped. Coming here helped. People here at SR helped, utilize your pm and reach out here if you feel that you need to talk with someone and cannot call anyone.

I know there are hotlines you can call to talk with people, AA and other mental health hotlines.

Try to nourish yourself, get out and get some fresh air and sunshine. Read something new, watch a feel good movie.

Do anything other than think of your problems and fears.

If you can't shut the fears and thoughts off, recite a memorized prayer such as the serenity prayer over and over again, and at some point you will fall asleep.

God, Grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things that I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.

If that is too much, sometimes, I just repeat, Lord, have mercy, over and over again. I figure if that is the only prayer that is repeated at the monastaries of Apthos, then it is good and simple for me.

I think the extended version is Lord have mercy on me, a sinner and save me.

Be encouraged.

Zee

For a good many months I resisted going to the doctors. I was scared that he would tell me that it was drinking that was making me ill. I didn't want to stop drinking. I had not yet reached my bottom.

When I finally DID have my bloods done, he wrote to me saying that my liver tests were very high, that maybe they had made a mistake at the lab... It was then that I finally realised that I MIGHT have a BIT of a problem. That was in June. In August my doctor came to my house and booked the Ambulance to take me to hospital. I was a mess (what was in the 'before' picture is a heck of a lot better than I was 2 months previously) It can all kick off very quickly. Unfortunately, when you become ill, all emotions have to take a back seat. Your familys perceptions of you nothing compared what they may be like if you carry on drinking. You have to stop this 'being scared' shite. You know the drill. You have been there before. Prolonging the inevitable (doctors) is very unadvisable. I really really understand what you are going through, I have been very very scared on numerous occasions in the last couple of years (my anxiety these days is very high as I think "what the f**k have I done to myself" I find this a small price to pay) You seriously have to catch this early. Alot of people thought I was a 'gonner'... so did I! Like I said before (I know, I'm rambling) YOU HAVE DONE THIS BEFORE... YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN. Don't leave it 'till monday, do it today for goodness sakes!

F355

Welcome back Noro! Just so you know, everyone here has fallen once or twice after their first attempts to pick themselves up again. Try not to get discouraged; just learn from your past mistakes and try to think of what can be done differently this time. You can do this.

Sudz No More

Happy for you that you are getting back on track, I am right there with you Buddy. Let's not let this get any worse and really stay sober.

Let us know how that Doc visit turns out for you. All my hopes for you getting a clean bill of health.