bloss

Just wondering what type of help has moved us along the way to lasting sobriety?

The tough love type of help or a more positive affirming type?
I found, sometimes I just needed a hug, but, other times I needed someone to be more blunt, direct, tell me what maybe I didn't want to hear? On the whole the blunt, direct approach probably was the most help for me. I needed it and was thankful after the fact.

I'm not talking about a particular program of recovery, just the method of delivery.

hypochondriac

I have always needed people to be direct and blunt with me. That's the way I am and it's the way I learn best too. I can't abide too much beating around the bush! But then this is the one thing I have done where I just really needed someone who understood and didn't just give practical advise.

BackToSquareOne

The problem with the tough love approach is that it can be taken to extremes. It can and often does have very bad results. I would always prefer a more positive approach, within limits of course.

UpperbucksAAguy

Define tough love? What most people call tough love looks like bullying at worst and overbearing at the very least to me.

If tough love means being blunt ok I am all for it. But I follow the Big Book to the best of my ability and it does not lead me to believe that I have a right to kick your butt in any sense of the word ever.

If your talk has been sane, quiet and full of human understanding, you have perhaps made a friend. Maybe you have disturbed him about the question of alcoholism. This is all to the good. The more hopeless he feels, the better. He will be more likely to follow your suggestions. - BB page 94

The red part gets quoted alot in context of tough love, but when you look at the whole quote you get a different picture

Sane?

Quiet?

To me tough love in AA is more about the difficulty I have in loving some of you people. It is tough to love an obstinate alcoholic

bloss

Tough Love, for me is not about bullying, it is about being honest and to the point, in a loving positive manner. It is not about shading the realty of where untreated alcoholism can lead. Positive Affirmations are fine too, coupled with a dose of the realty of the outcome of the progression of untreated alcoholism. At some point, a positive affirmation given when the person is still actively drinking is not much help, in my opinion and my experience. I love a hug, but I also love the truth about the consequences if I choose to not practice (complete abstainance).
If I had no problem with how drinking affects my life, mood, finances, relationships, health and so on, I wouldn't need to be looking for help stopping completely, because in my opinion I would not be alcoholic.

Zencat

I like the truth delivered with compassion. That is I would like to have any cognitive distortions pointed out to me in a manner that is less likely to cause any reactance in me.

bloss

So would you like to hear the truth about where addiction will ultimately lead, delivered in a soft spoken, kind manner, no judgement? Or would you rather someone say, You are a worthy person, keep trying, you're doing great etc. Or a combination? Would you be reactive to the truth of the possible consequences of untreated addition coupled with a kind delivery.

Just trying to understand how people, in general feel about things, no judgement

Boleo

What seems to help us most in the long run is truth. What seems to hurt us most in the short run is truth. Just goes to show ya - "no pain, no gain".

Nirvana1

1. Positive affirmation when I'm doing something right

2. Tough love when I'm doing something wrong when I think I'm doing it right...

RobbyRobot

Hey bloss,

I'm not sure why being positive and being tough can't be done in the same deed? Truth is tough enough, you know? Positive does not equate to gentleness in my experience. Gentleness is like taking care to being in-step with the other persons drumbeat, imo, going with their rythmn and flow. Being direct means banging on my own drum loud enough to be heard over and above the other, so as to make sure the message has enough energy to be of consequence.

Positive trumps negative, and always will, imo. Sometimes we can't quickly find the positive in a situation, and negativity comes knocking, but as soon as positive energies gather, negativity is trash-canned, hahaha.

I like hearing and speaking truth. I also like allowing for others to decide for themselves their approach to me. Nothing is more rewarding in our relationships with others than all of us being ourselves collectively, so I'm not sure one delivery method is superior to another when love is the empowering energy being orchestrated into the jukebox.

Threshold

I benefit most when people share their own recovery experience rather than critique mine.

My recovery depends on me learning to be honest and take responsibility for my life and choices. It is no one else's responsibility to kick me into recovery or coax me into recovery. It is my responsibility to choose recovery.

I've had people tell me that they are going to hear me on speaker tapes one day, and others tell me I am headed for doom because I am doing it all wrong.

The most useful shares were from people who said "when I felt the way you do, this is what I did, and this is the result I got."

In recovery, I seek to learn to take care of myself, and no longer depend on others to "save" me.

zjw

I'm the odd one I'm going to say neither for me. My response to tough love is can it I dont wanna hear it. That being said if someone can pull it off just right i would respond perhaps. My response to positive affirmation type stuff would be oh save it you dont mean that dont go trying to talk me up since when did you care.

Being left alone to sort the demons out in my own head is just how it had to be for me i guess. Tough love or positive affirmation? its nothing more then empty words to me. Neither will do the job and quit for me. In the end I had to do it alone. I noticed when i complained about this or that people where tired of listening or simply where no longer listening at all. That drove me more alone.

No one got sober becuase someone else did it for them. But I'm realizing now some people really do need support. and for me when no one cared but the people at AA applaud my 1 year that felt good. As for the past year no one else really understood it. Why would they none of them where alcoholics.

onlythetruth

I don't think this is an "either/or" choice. At times, purely positive affirmations are great, but sometimes change requires us to hear some unpleasant truths.

For me, the most helpful approach came from those who really cared about me, and who cared enough be kind, but also to tell me the truth--at least, the truth as they saw it.

Nobody could possibly have helped me with cruel words, said with the intent to hurt. But I got a lot from folks who told me the things I needed to hear, even if they were difficult things, with love in their hearts.

Positive affirmations ("you are a good person") were helpful too; reminders that I was more than my addiction.

wow04

The above is how my first sponsor was. It was wonderful! She honest and blunt, but also loving and kind. She was just what I needed. My sponsor now is more loving in all her affairs. That is okay, because some of the old timers will give me tough love.

SSIL75

I did a combination of the two. I have for years (long before I quit drinking) had an image of my drunk self, years in the future. And an image of my sober self in the same timeframe. Both are on a deserted beach. As a meditation exercise (I guess?) I have them converse. Or sometimes just look at each other.

It's simultaneously tough love and affirmation.

bbthumper

For me, I needed and still need people who love me enough to not care if they upset me or not. The love me enough to tell me the truth especially when I dont want to hear it.

pinkdog

My son told me in the most compassionate way possible that I was a mess. He has always been supportive and spoken well to me and of me. So his opinion means a lot. I tried to ignore his words but in the following days, I was no longer able to drink with abandon. Maybe he's right. So, I can quit, so what. Then "this is gonna be hard, I do have a problem". His kind and loving manner helped me. It wasn't about him. He made it about me and concern for me only. It was the best approach possible. Then he didn't say anything else. I had to work on it myself. Sobriety rocks. Plant a loving seed. That's what worked for me.

Zencat

I like the truth delivered with fairness and with concern that is appropriate to the seriousness that addiction warren's. I would prefer encouragement vs condemnation in the delivery of the facts about addiction.

I wouldn't want a hot headed self-righteous know-it all standing over me on the attack.

I want to be treated professionally in a dignified manned.

bloss

Lots of interesting ideas about ways to help others get sober, I guess whats most important is caring enough to try. Seems like everyone has his/her own preference. I guess, when it comes down to it, the person has to be ready to get and stay sober long term. SR is really helping me, hearing so many different ideas from people in diverse places. Good stuff!

UpperbucksAAguy

Very true- But who among us can tell the truth about another? What we have is our experience, and that alone. I can not have an experience based on things happening in anyone elses skin.

Tough love can definitely involve not co-signing anyone elses BS, but not going out of my way to be an a$$