Put Yourself First?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 14
Put Yourself First?
I have a big question. My BF is 90 days sober -- actively AA. He just quit a great job because he hated it and has decided to return to family home city where there is more potential to work and be close to his family again. I know this has nothing to do with me -- but something he must do. He was very close to his family with aging parents. He has drifted away during the alchoholism and wants to reconnect with parents, siblings and nephews.
My question: he has a lifetime of people pleasing and always putting other's needs first. In your experience, is this a problem for alcoholics. I am asking because ex-wife (still drinking and clinically depressed and purposely out of work) is putting tremendous pressure on him to move back home and take care of her. He told her OK and told his family he was going home too??? I found him in such a state of agitation, self-doubt and anxiety. I have had a huge influence on him, and he listens to me. I tried to put myself totally out of the picture -- sat him down -- and said you do not owe her your life. What do YOU want? He feels sooo guilty about letting ex down because they drank together and he feels slightly responsible. But being honest I think he does want to go home and make amends but afraid of letting ex down. So I am reinforcing that and telling him he will have to live with the guilt and do what he can to help ex within reason -- not self-sacrifice. His fam would be devastated if he went back to ex. Everytime he has gone back to her in the past, it has been a horrible downward spiral.
Is this the right approach? Have others experienced the aftermath of truly meeting your own needs before self-sacrifice (not talking about dealing with your children or other truly dependent souls). Is this what alcoholics do? He has been so miserable most of his life. Long history of parentifed child, sick siblings, missing Dad etc.
Appreciate any support here. And yes I will be going to AlAnon.
My question: he has a lifetime of people pleasing and always putting other's needs first. In your experience, is this a problem for alcoholics. I am asking because ex-wife (still drinking and clinically depressed and purposely out of work) is putting tremendous pressure on him to move back home and take care of her. He told her OK and told his family he was going home too??? I found him in such a state of agitation, self-doubt and anxiety. I have had a huge influence on him, and he listens to me. I tried to put myself totally out of the picture -- sat him down -- and said you do not owe her your life. What do YOU want? He feels sooo guilty about letting ex down because they drank together and he feels slightly responsible. But being honest I think he does want to go home and make amends but afraid of letting ex down. So I am reinforcing that and telling him he will have to live with the guilt and do what he can to help ex within reason -- not self-sacrifice. His fam would be devastated if he went back to ex. Everytime he has gone back to her in the past, it has been a horrible downward spiral.
Is this the right approach? Have others experienced the aftermath of truly meeting your own needs before self-sacrifice (not talking about dealing with your children or other truly dependent souls). Is this what alcoholics do? He has been so miserable most of his life. Long history of parentifed child, sick siblings, missing Dad etc.
Appreciate any support here. And yes I will be going to AlAnon.
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