Flintlock

The fact that I have found a forum seeking advice is enough for me to admit to myself that I have a problem.

My wife has moved out and she is my entire life. I'm terrified of withdrawal issues as I've felt them when I have abstained, but I can't take time off of work right now to take care of it.

Another bad thing is that I started smoking cigarettes about 1.5 years ago, which my wife greatly disapproved of. I need to stop these two substances, but I don't know which to do first. She has stated that she still wants to be able to go out and have fun, have a drink or whatever. It's tough being around that. She is an absolutely terrific woman and all of this has brought her to anxiety for herself, something of which I'd never wish on any person.

Her and I are both serious pool players, which means that we tour local bars in the area. That makes it tough too - being around the alcohol. Pool is a huge relaxation for me and I don't want to stop shooting pool. We are no longer on the same teams, so we don't see each other much, if at all.

I've been pretty good on the pool nights. I'll have two beers and just drink ginger ale for the rest of the night, especially if I am driving (just getting over a DUI from having 4 beers at dinner, I've learned my lesson).

I know this isn't a relationship forum, but if any of you have been involved in any way with someone that is a heavy drinker, please chime in. Flame me or whatever, it may be just what I need.

Alcohol is the major reason that she is no longer with me right now. I've never been an abusive person to her, physically or mentally, so the alcohol hasn't driven me that far. She's asked me numerous times to cool it down and I just haven't been able to because we'd always go out together and of course, there would be alcohol.

What should I stop first? I think I could likely quit the cigarettes without much issue. I have thought about going on the nicotine patch, but I don't know if that would get me more addicted.

I've been drinking alcohol heavy for about 10 years. I just drink beer and if it weren't for that, I probably wouldn't drink at all. I just don't really like the taste of anything else.

How does one get over the withdrawal symptoms while maintaining a professional job?

Where do I start?

CarolD

Please have an honest talk with your doctor about how best to de tox.
My de tox took 3 days...perhaps you could do yours during your
non working days?

Please do take time to read this link of info and some of our expereinces

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

All in all...a medically supervised withdrawal is always the best idea.

I was single both as an active alcoholic and now as an AA recovered
one....others will be along to share their expereinces with spouces ..

I'm a smoker too...no advice from me about stopping...

Welcome to SR...

Flintlock

Thank you, Carol. My next non-working days will be next weekend, but I'm attending an event then which feels like it would be impossible to not have some beer while there.

I bought some Valerian root to try and help with having the feelings of withdrawal during detox. I really want to avoid any other potentially addictive substances that a doctor may prescribe. I don't know how long or how much you drank, Carol, but knowing that there is a possibility that I could be well in three days is extremely uplifting. I'm afraid to take the Valerian root now because I hear it can make you extremely drowsy and already being a deep sleeper, I don't want to be late for work! heh...

I'd really love to go to an AA meeting right now, but unfortunately, I'm already 3 beers in today and I really shouldn't drive. That's why I turn to you guys.

mfsteve1

Second try at posting this....

I made it through withdrawals while working an office job. Wasn't easy but was doable.

IMAO: Be sure you're quitting for the right reason. For me that reason was "for me and no one else". YMMV.

Flintlock

Thanks, mfsteve1. What method did you use to detox? I've been thinking of a tapering off method so that the withdrawals aren't so bad, but doing this alone, I need some way to "police" myself in that.

abc

I doubt you will be a deep sleeper during withdrawal though, Flintlock. I wouldn't worry about that. The problem will be insomnia. Your brain will feel like it wants to explode. You may sleep a little but it will be accompanied by night sweats and "poison dreams".

abc

I couldn't use the tapering approach. It was not an option because I was the kind of drinker that loses all control once he has a few drinks in him. Once I felt the alcohol I would lose control, ramping up to 24 drinks, totally forgetting I ever wanted to recover. Something to consider. Not sure if you are that kind of drinker.

hypochondriac

Hey Flintlock.

First of all, welcome to SR. I'm sure whatever you end up doing this place will be a massive help to you.

Are you and your wife still together even though she has moved out? Have I got this right... she wants to still be able to go out and she's a heavy drinker too? Does she want you to quit drinking or control it? I've been involved with a heavy drinker/alcoholic and to be honest it was a pretty toxic relationship, even after we weren't together anymore. But everyone is different.

I carried on going to work through withdrawals but mine weren't too bad. It really depends. To be honest I didn't feel great for the first few months but the worst of it was over in a week or so. I'd really strongly recommend having an honest chat with your doctor. Tapering off is good if you can manage it, just be really strict on the end date.

I also quit drinking and smoking at the same time too. I took NRT for the first month or so. I didn't want to be dealing with too many cravings all at once. Other people I know wanted to get all the physical withdrawals over and done with. The only thing I'd suggest is that if you're going to lapse on one make sure it's the smoking.

And maybe give yourself a bit of a break on going out (except to AA of course ). Detoxing and early recovery can really take it out of you. My first week or so I had really disrupted sleep and after that sleep has been all I have wanted to do. But then again, everyone is different.

I hope you bounce back

Flintlock

Thanks for the welcome.

My wife and I are still legally together. I wear my wedding ring, although it appears she does not. I had a conversation with her on the phone today and it sounds like she is ending it, that she really doesn't see that I can change my ways.

I don't know what to classify her as, as far as drinking is concerned. She's able to go days without drinking, but on a Friday night or whatever, she can party it up, do shots, or whatever. Our local watering hole is within a couple minutes walking distance, so we never had to worry about that to much... So, all the while, I'm watching her drink and thinking that it's OK for me to do the same. So, I order another beer. Somehow she gets another shot... The night goes on... I'm the one at fault.

Then came her marijuana use. Before I met her, she was a daily marijuana user. I had tried it before, but it wasn't my thing, so I don't smoke it or use any other drugs. When we met, she had stopped her marijuana use and it was just alcohol for the two of us. Well, she started smoking marijuana again a few months ago. She justified it by saying that it was her way of dealing with me. Enabler anyone? Mixed messages anyone?

When it really got bad was around 1.5 years ago when we stopped going to the church we were attending. We weren't pew sitters. We were involved. I played guitar, she sang and did all the PR work for the place and both of us did the website. That was when we were in our prime. I'd so love to go back in time to those days.

So, to answer your question, after my blabbing, I think in her perfect world, she'd want me to control it because she is able to drink and not abuse. I am still discovering that about myself. I'm not sure which method to go. I know people that have done AA and are now able to have two beers and be done with it. I don't know if I'm at that place now. I don't know if I ever will be. Time will tell.

For now, I'll just continue reading SR and all of the wonderful insight that you guys have and try to seek out some more local AA meetings so that I can learn more about myself and fix whatever wrong I've been doing to myself.

Thanks everyone.

mfsteve1

Cold turkey. I did not have the awful withdrawals others here have experienced. I was a bottle a day man who could go a week without too much trouble. For me things got spacey around week three. During that week I had to be careful and think before every move. I was sane enough to realize this. I found it helpful to step outside of myself and try to observe what I was doing vice being intensely focused on the details of a task in a first person perspective. Sounds odd but it worked for me. I was my own favorite reality show :-)

I was prepared to call emergency if I needed it and around that 3rd week I did consider checking in at the local treatment center. I didn't tell anyone what I was doing so it was up to me to get emergency help if I needed it.

hypochondriac

Well if you do want to change your ways you are in the right place for support I'd worry less about what's happening with her addictions and more about your own. It must be a really difficult time for you, but then it usually is when people come to that final realisation that they need to quit. I've had years of partners/family members wanting me to control my drinking but I just wasn't very good at it. You'll come to your own conclusions about your own situation. Have you ever successfully controlled it before? x

ru12

It is really hard for me to moderate. And when I do it really isn't much fun. I quit about 18 months ago and my life is so much better. I don't have to play games with how many I can have, wonder if I'm over the limit to drive. When I do stupid things now, it is just because I sometimes do stupid things! Not because I'm drunk.

Personally, I wouldn't worry about the smoking right at the moment. Unless it triggers you to want to drink. They go hand in hand with lots of people.

Good luck!

Flintlock

I'm not sure if I have ever controlled it that much. I guess I've always been in denial that I had to. Perhaps I'm one of those functional alcoholics that can hold a good job, yet still struggle with this sin / disease. In my mind, when we first start picking it up and abusing it, that's the sin. It turns to a disease when our bodies no longer allow us to not pick it up and not be able to stop.

I mentioned before how I am on a couple of pool teams. There's a guy on our team who never drinks. He's even a bartender for spare cash. So, he's able to be around alcohol and not touch it, even with all the bars we tour. That gives me hope. I've never asked him about why he doesn't drink, but I suppose it is because he has the same issues that many of us here have. Maybe I need to reach out to him and ask him for advice.

Thank you all for your responses and for reading this. It means a lot to have someone to talk to.

zjw

Sounds like you and your wife both have your fair share of substance abuse issues. I pretty much would take anything that would knock me down gladly. Beer was just my choice poison inexpensive and easily accesable. I know a lot of people who arent alchoholics or say drug addicts but daily or maybe even just about daily or perhaps just on the weekends there abusing something. They cant just be content or happy with simple plain old sobreity. I'm one of them I had to over indulge no matter what it was. I just took it to a pretty rough level. But regardless of if i did it once a week or 7 nights or all day and night there was still a problem for me as i couldnt stop.

Be happy you have some religion in ya already. I know for me that saved my butt. Valerian worked for me a bit also. I also found apple cider vinegar (odd i know but read up on it) also helped a lot initially it was a god send. I tried numerous things 5htp was also another thing that helped. I was able to do it without seeing a doctor but I'd still be sure to be knowledgably on the potential problems and possibly see a doctor before jumping into it. out of all the substances you could come off of alchohol is one of the few that can kill ya without it.

I dont advocate marriages breaking up. So dont take it the wrong way. But in this situation you have to worry about your substance abuse problems and if and when she decides she has one and needs to address hers she needs to come around to that conclusion on her own just as you seem to have. The reason I say this is my wife wined and wined for years about my drinking. I didnt care what the heck she had to say i was drinken PERIOD. Lucky for me she never left maybe she should have maybe your lucky yours did to help bring you to this point it could be a blessing in disguise. And your marriage can be salvaged and your habit kicked and hers too even all at once. I dont think you should allow your ability to quit and get sober be hindered by /ANYTHING/

zjw

I got cut off couldnt type more but let me finish up.

I dont think you should do a "gee hun we could quit together" type of thing. Your liable to pull one or the other down with that approach. If you cant quit for you by you alone you wont be able to quit with her. My wife and i can drag each toher down really easily. IE talking the other into another cigarette another drink another bowl. Nope cant do that. Gotta rely on you and only you. Its going to take a lot of your own focus and energy to solve your addiction.

It can be done however. It isnt impossible. I quit smoking 6 or 7 months agoe and beer / booze over a year now. Its tough but there is a light at hte end of the tunnel and it is worth the tough time.

zjw

One other thing a pool hall surrounded by beer? WOW i could prolly say no i guess but i can assure you i wouldnt be too comfortable. Even now I wouldnt like it i started twitchen in a bar just picken up some take out food. I got real thirsty looken at al that going on.

If you think it'd cause you to drink i hate to say it ya gotta choose your sobriety over pool hall. Its that simple how badly do you want it?

doggonecarl

I have to agree with zjw.

Playing pool. There are other ways to relax. And you are going to need to find a way to deal with stress should you decide to quit drinking. Don't do it in a bar! Trust us on this.

Good luck.

soberbrooke

I had to change people, places and things for my sobriety to work this time. I couldn't go into a bar and play pool, because I loved that. I loved the way the atmosphere made me feel. If I do that, then I am setting myself up for a relapse.

I have to keep in the front of my mind that I am powerless over alcohol, it makes my life unmanageable.

jennikate

Speaking for myself, there is no way I could hang out at a pool hall and not drink. Maybe further into sobriety but I doubt it. I am even skipping a wedding (bride and groom are heavy drinkers) because I think it might be a dangerous situation.
As for your wife and her desire for you to "slow down"....I don't think she understands the nature of addiction. If I could have slowed down, I would have. No one wants to be an alcoholic. I'd love to be able to have a glass or two of wine. But I can't. Ever. Don't get me wrong, my dh will have an occasional beer but doesn't keep it in the house, doesn't get carried away, and does not drink wine(my drink of choice) and is not doing shots. I did not impose these rules on him but he deeply wants me to succeed. It also proves that he is a normie. He doesn't seem bothered by these "sacrifices".
Have you ever done the 20 question "Are You an Alcoholic?" survey in the front of the AA meeting book? I just did again and got 18 yes answers out of 20. Over 3 makes me an alcoholic.
As for detox, I did it two times in the hospital and once at home. I think the hospital is much safer. I'd see a dr. if I was to try it at home again.
Hope some of this helps and sorry if I'm too blunt. Just my personality.

wow04

This was me also. I had to change people, places, and things. It was well worth it.