So Lonely
 

I have almost 60 days sober, and the main problem I am having is the crushing loneliness. All my friends drank and even my BF drinks, and so I am left here by myself when they go out.

My BF has drastically cut down how much he goes out to keep me company, and we are doing a lot of sober sorts of activities. However, he still goes out to the bar with his friends on occasion and it makes me feel alone and sad. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to go out and drink - my recovery is more important and I can think of few things less fun than going to the bar and watching people get wasted.

I love you all and all the great online people I have met. However, I desperately need to make new f2f friends that I can share sober interests with. Most of my former friends did everything with alcohol, so I have to find new ones!

Yes, I go to AA, but the groups in my city are huge and it is hard to get to know people because the same people tend to speak every meeting and there seem to be different people all the time!

Argh. Any suggestions are welcome, especially if you had a similar situation and solved it. Thanks in advance for responding!!

I just posted something similar. :) Hopefully someone can chime in with some advice. I'm wondering if someone can offer some advice aside from telling us to meet people at AA. It's just crazy how much you notice how the social activities revolve around drinking after you quit. I am not sure how old you are - I am kind of past the age (in my early 30s) of going out to bars until 1am every weekend. I have no idea what someone in their early 20s would do, because that's basically all I did back then (party, dance, go out, socialize - all with alcohol involved at bars or clubs)

I would definitely be annoyed if my boyfriend went out to a bar without me. Maybe like a once in a year thing, but if he is doing that all the time it would bug me. He does need to have his own life, though. Tough situation.

I am 35. Oddly enough though, so are my BF and my old friends! They just go to bars with an older crowd!

Is there something you can go do when your BF goes out with friends? Maybe go see a movie or visit an art museum or go to a bookstore and get a coffee and read for a while? You don't have to sit at home doing nothing. Find something you like to do and then go do it.

Yep, seems like tons of people do that. I really do not like bars. It's just so boring for me. Even if I go and just have one drink it is just not fun at all anymore. I think the quality of people in bars isn't that great, either. Lots of addicts and people with issues, I find!

I do stuff by myself all the time - in fact I try to do something every day even if it is just going to the library. However, when he goes out it is late and I have a 2 year old at home. My eldest daughter watches him for me sometimes, but I would like to meet people to do those sort of things with.

Jill...
When I quit the bar scene...I did begin to hang out with sober AA'ers.
To get acquainted with my new friends....I went early and or stayed
late after meetings I asked another woman out for coffee and if that
was not possible....kept asking until someone agreed...:yup:

Well done on your progress....:funjump:

I am 35 and just recently got sober. All my friends are married w/ small children and don't go out anyway, so whether i was still drinking or not, I would be lonely. I am not really looking for friends, but rather a relationship with the 'girl' I always wanted but was too drunk to find. All my past relationships were kinda co-dependent and I never really loved any of them. If I was sober, I would never have stayed with any of them.

Think about this though: if you keep drinking you will soon be lonely drinking. That's what happened to me.

Try volunteer work ! Sports clubs etc...

Hey Jill.

It is hard to find sober friends outside AA. Are you happy just meeting new friends who may drink but hopefully aren't alcoholics?

Are there any hobbies you want to take up? Maybe a night class. Education has a wonderful way of making people into friends very quickly. Maybe an exercise class, or a book group. If you can't find anyone doing what you want maybe start your own group. There are so many lonely people out there who just need an excuse to get together with other people.

Good luck x

I found the internet to be an evening activity of itself. what I mean is that I would go out during the day, work, errands...ect. evening comes I would work out, night comes I would get connected and read Forums, News, emails, watch online documentaries, networking...ect as far as the weekend goes it all depends on where you live, some major cities have many activities gong on Downtown besides drinking, other beach towns or midwest everything revolves around drinking. I am 41 and just like someone wrote earlier, I wouldn't what to do have I tried to sober up in my 20s since I lived in Florida then and was working in the hospitality business too, there was nothing else going on except drinking. Another point is that no matter where we live, who we live with, there will always be that one thing why sobriey is so difficult. I have tried sobering up in the past moving around in the world with no avail. I lived in Duabi, ended up getting arrested for drinking, lived in Qatar(middle east) where they still folg muslims caught drinking and that did not stop me from relapsing again. I live now in Morocco and relapsed several times. I finally decided to follow AA which I was doing in the past except that I thought getting a sponsor and telling a complete stranger my problems was weird, weak, freaky, waste of time for both of us. however ended up giving it a try and now I talk to my sponsor every day. I am in Morocco and he(american) lives in Estonia, we use *****(audio/video) and it works great. So to answer the question of loneliness ( your BF goes to bars), give this sponsoring thing a try, you will find a person who can listen, give you directions and been there done that.

I completely understand the loneliness I feel the same exact way. I am now taking my sponsors advice and forcing myself to reach out to others in AA because I desperately need sober friends too. Good luck if you ever want to chat pm me

Thanks, everyone. Weirdly, my bf goes to the bar because many of the people he works with goes, and he is trying to make friends too because he is new to the city. Neither one of us think that is the greatest way to make friends though. As we all know, people we meet at the bar often (but not always) have their own set of issues with drinking and/or substance abuse.

I am going to start volunteering on Tuesday. My bf and I are also going to start bowling on a league this fall as well. I guess I have to put myself out there more in AA.

I have that same problem. I live on Lake Conroe and EVERYONE of my friends drinks. I have 6 months, and am so lonely.
I have found new friends in AA, but most of them are in their 60's on up, and the others that are younger have husbands.
I am just working the program like they say, and everything will start falling into place. I have faith.

As Innerchild says, don't just go to meetings.... get involved. Commit to AA. Do you have a sponsor, what does she say about this issue??

That's a typical alcoholic trait... standing ALONE in a crowd.....

All the best.

Bob R