zjw

My wife knows the degree of my drinking problems. Probably more so then I do. My kids know I drank a lot. I guess its not a big secret to much of the rest of the family that I liked my beer. That being said aside from my wife no one else has any clue. And having been sober for over a year i got the crazy idea from foks here to try AA (course it went through my head prior to that too) well I've been sneeking it. I tell the kids 'm going to the store. My wife knows i'm going my dad freaked thought i walked on the family one night when all it was is i had to get to my meeting. I told him i ran to the store.

My quetion is should i tell these people? I hate lieing about it. But i dont want them to worry or be concerned about it. I also dunno that i want them knowing just how bad my little beer drinking habit was.

I'm not even sure how to approach it or if it even needs approaching other then i feel like i shouldnt be keeping secrets.

I skipped AA this week. Honestly i have couple big problems weighing me down. and while AA might help me not drink it seems there not too concerned about your problems unless there making you feel as tho you should pick up. I dont feel like picking up. I'd just like to get help with my problems and I suppose being depressed and all I figured screw AA this week. Odd thing is in previous weeks when i felt bad i went anyway and felt so much better after. This week? I blew it off.

hypochondriac

Gosh, I wish I knew the answer to that one!

I told my family because I felt like I was keeping secrets and because I thought that if I didn't tell someone I was leaving the door open for drinking. I got a mixed response but the general theme was one of surprise. I should mention that this is family who I don't live with. One person is very supportive but likes to underplay it like I have just given up chocolate or something, when it is a much bigger deal for me. My mother, bless her, has taken it as a criticism of her parenting and thinks it's all her fault. It seems to bring on a panic attack in her if I even slightly touch on the subject. I'm not quite sure what to do there now and think maybe I shouldn't have told her.

If you are going to AA they can be your support and your new sobriety family Tell them about your drinking worries and celebrate your sobriety with them. And let your family be your support for everything else. I'm sure your wife could 'cover' for you while you go to AA. Invent a new hobby or something. It's a white lie rather than a secret. Some people can't process the information that a loved one is an alcoholic too well.

wow04

I am only as sick as my secrets!

Sit your wife down and tell her you are going AA. I am not sure how old your kids are, but they should know too. You might be suprised how understanding your family will be.

As for the AA meetings. Go in, find a sponsor, and work the steps. You are on the right path. AA taught me how to live sober.

zjw

yeah i passed the 1 year mark no one cared (like you said they seem to think its like giving up chocolate.) that makes me wonder why i should mention it I wont get some big slap on the back and told good job who knows how they'd takeit or if it even needs mentioning.

I'm not worried about picken up again cause my wife will keep me in check. I think it was a month in or so. I had a bad day. I said Oh screw it i'm haven a dang beer I havent had one ina month what do i care I"m gonna have one. She says but you've done so well you've gotten past this problem that problem this bad day that bad day why are you going to pick up now. I said Oh screw you who cares i'm drinken. She got sad real sad I think i evn alrady had it open by this point but hadnt taken a sip yet. I poured it and didnt drink it. I never hit that kind of a low again. She was right too. it was just one bad day. I'd beaten plenty of bad days before then and since then. I learned I didnt need it just cause I had a bad day.

zjw

Just to clarify my wife knows i'm going. I've read some of the big book. I keep missing the part about how you get a sponsor? Why would i even need one. I heard somewhere you gotta call em daily I thought you gotta be kidding me some stranger I gotta call daily? I'm afraid i'd wine my sponsors ear off course that might be what there for.

I read the steps I dont understand the working them aspect too much. I live by them anyhow I'm not going to lie I glanced at them early on. But never gave it much thought it seemd like nothing more then a common sense way to kick this habit. If i had to say i was stuck with any step it would the whole Telling my wife i'm an alchoholic thing. it wasnt untill recently i came out and was like yeah i guess i had a problem.

zjw

Just to add I dont want to using the drinking habit that i kicked over a year ago as some sorta crutch that i need daily therapy for. I also dont want to be over confident about my problem and relapse.

What i really want to do at this stage is figure out how to wrap my head around coping with lifes problems. The alcohol I beat. But life and its troubles? I want to be able to not obsess over problems so much be able to allow things to roll off my back better.

wow04

This is where working the steps helps. Working the steps and applying them in my life is what makes me able to handle problems.

Nevertheless

In my opinion,thats why they call it anonymous. The people that count know. It really is no one else's business. Most non alcoholics don't understand anyway.
But there is no reason to stop going to meetings though.
If someone cornered me and asked I would tell them. But other than that,they can find their own "reality show"
Just my opinion....
Fred

hypochondriac

You don't have to go to AA but it's there if you need it. It sure does help having sober people around sometimes. It isn't a crutch.

If you are having problems with day to day life then I am sure doing the steps would help. Or there are a ton of other techniques which can help with whatever you are struggling with. Read a few self help books. Just do anything that doesn't involve drinking

Why don't you re post your questions about AA in the 12 steps forum. I have only just started going to AA myself so don't know a vast amount about it, other than pretty much all of my preconceptions were totally wrong.

Oh, and bloody good job on a year sober x

Hollyanne

Zjw,
Of all the people posting, you could be writing for me!
I am too tired now (sorry) to go into it much.
I went to AA and was just like you, glancing at it. Off drink two years and no major struggle. No steps, sponsor, program. Depression, yes, but genuinely thought I was doing ok.
Drank at two years and couldn't stop for another 1 1/2 years.
Stopped now, much harder than first time around but much more real.
Please go and get involved in your recovery. There is so much more to this than not drinking.
Well done on one year, and you sound like your wife is a gem.
Too your question about telling people, my experience is, if I knew then what I know now, I would have told fewer family and friends and told them less. Just my experience. They genuinely don't get it.

sugarbear1

Read the entire big book. If you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it, do what we do.

Get a sponsor to guide you through the steps, talk to people before and after the meeting, create a network of sober people and call them. Work closely with your sponsor.

Meetings alone don't keep me sober, but they do get me into a fellowship with others who know what's going on. Then I might meet someone who can sponsor me.

Have you read Rational Recovery? AVRT? SMART? They might suit you better than sitting in a meeting without doing the work that is needed for the steps to help you stay stopped and to have a spiritual experience and life.

Telling your family is a great beginning to an honest program of action.

Best wishes,

UpperbucksAAguy

Are you an alcoholic?

Were you just a guy who drank too much?

What do you get from the meetings?

Chapter 7 of the Big Book speaks about sponsorship ( They don't use the word sponsor and it is important for those of us who have recovered to give this gift away)

zjw

Yeah i'm a pretty spiritual person. Although I wouldnt put it that way. I"m more or less pretty religous. I think thats the only reason I"ve done what i have. And one thing that keeps me sober too is i too have read its rougher to quit the subsequent times. Once was enough for me.

I enjoy the meetings I get to see people who are where i was and people who are where i want to be. People at all diff stages people who appreciate sobriety and are willing to help one another.

One gripe i have is there quick meetings other folks there always bug me to go to more meetings but I just dont have time.

I do enjoy sharing with the group etc.. But I do also feel like a bit of an outsider still although some of them are warming up to me more. I'm not a real social person either so it could be me and not them. Its a real struggle to socialize with strangers for me. I prefer to be left alone mostly.

I guess I'll hold off on saying anything to the family for now. Its one gripe i have with AA is I feel like it puts the spotlight on the drinking so much. And i teeter back and forth if it really needs so much focus day in and day out. IE does a recovering alcoholic get to eventually live a life where its not much of a thought in his head any longer? does it really need to be at the top of his head all the time ? Cant an alcoholic simply just recover and move on?

maybe i got more big book reading to do.

sugarbear1

Work the 12 steps. The steps keep me sober, not the meetings.

ru12

Hi z.

I don't think you need to announce to your family that you are going to AA. Your wife knows where you are going. It is up to you to tell your kids or not. Personally I'd rather people know that I'm at AA than down at the bar getting loaded.

I've been sober a while now and I don't often think of alcohol. I have more important things to think about these days. I put alcohol down and left it there by the side of the road and I walked away and left it there. I don't carry it around with me. I don't announce that I once had a problem with drinking. I just don't drink and I am getting on with my life.

zjw

Ru12 thats comforting. Because I feel like by focusing on it too much its like its under the microscope or something. I'm getting a better handle on the disease tho by being here and meetings. I havent heard anything i didnt already know. But hearing it first hand at this stage in life its different.

ru12

I think it may be important to focus on alcohol initially, because if that isn't removed nothing will get better. But, at some point, one does need to move on.

What I liked about AA was just being with a bunch of people with the same common problem. I still remember when someone walked over to me, looked me in the eye and shook my hand and introduced himself. Made me tear up for some reason. I guess I didn't think I was worth the effort at the time.

Hang in there z!

Nevertheless

I think it was probably at least a year before I went all day before I realized I made it through the day without giving thought to beer.
I have been sober over three years. But it doesn't matter how long I am sober. Because I am still only one drink away from going back to all of that. So I need to do something to keep fresh in my mind just some of the reasons I quit.
I don't go to AA anymore,but I still read here on S.R. almost every day.
When it comes to booze.... My rememberer is broken. But my forgetter works waaaayyy too good.
Fred

flutter

Everyone's recovery is different. I didn't use AA in my recovery. I never think about drinking, I can't remember the last time I did.. probably the first few months. As to your question, I think as long as the people you're responsible to (your wife, possibly your kids) know whats up..there's no reason to announce that you're hitting a few meetings. The program of AA is working the steps, the meetings keep people in recovery connected to each other (from what I understand). I wish you luck on your journey!!