MetalChick

Thanks Carol,

My friends would not be down with that- most think AA is for losers or that I am gonna get brainwashed. The one I know in recovery lives in another state. I am just going to walk in shaking or not. It is what it is.

Thank you though I appreciate your experiences

Sapling

That's awesome...They didn't wash my brain...It probably could have used that...But I do know since I dragged my shaking ass into a meeting a year ago...I haven't had a drink since. Let us know how it goes...Check out that site on a first meeting...It's got some good stuff....I was going to post that for you. There was a guy in my meeting this morning from Miami...A friend of his told him if he came to a meeting with him...He'd buy him a drink afterwards....He was 26 years old and he went with him. That was 22 years ago...He hasn't had a drink since. I love hearing that kind of stuff. Enjoy it!

Gottalife

Closed meetings are for alcoholics and those who are trying to find out if they are alcoholic, quite a bit more "anonymous" than an open meeting which anyone can attend.

MetalChick

Sapling,

LOL- you cracked me up, when you said you could have used some brainwashing and that dragged your shaking ass into a meeting. That made me feel better,- made me laugh instead of be so scared. I am going to think of that on my way into the meeting-Thanks. I think it has come to the point off going to that meeting or to the bar.

Gotalife,

Thank you, I may want to find a closed meeting next. I was confused- I was thinking you had to get up and talk and say you are an alcoholic at a closed meeting. I am all for the more anonymous part. There are both types of meetings close to my house. I am going to go to that open one tomorrow night first and see how that goes.

I almost F-uped big time. I bought 2 eight packs of ice beer at 1 am but I didn't drink them. I ate and watched like 5 episodes of Stargate SG1 instead. well, I talked myself out drinking. I think I am going to need to pour them out or give them away. I keep telling myself all the reasons not to drink. Sorry to be a disappointment. I am glad I didn't drink them, but upset that I bought them.

devotchka

I did the same thing a few weeks ago. Bought a tall can and threw the beer in the trash before I even got home.

Gottalife

Give em away to someone who can enjoy them.

Sapling

I can tell you which one will give you a better chance of making it to 90 days.
Get rid of the beer you bought.

Sapling

Look at that...She just joined and she's giving you some excellent advice.

Someguy23

It's an automatism, do something enough times and you'll do it without even thinking about it. The more you don't do it, the more the automatism goes away.

I never bought alcohol when I didn't want to drink, but I remember during my more recent heavy drinking period I was buying my beer from a grocery street across the park from me. One day I went in, picked up chips and a 12-pack, went home, put the beer in the fridge and one bottle in the freezer... and then remembered the reason I went to the store in the first place was to get rice and eggs...

Good luck from now on.

MetalChick

lol- true true

Someguy,

Thank you. I think you have a great point there.

Thanks guys,

I, for some reason, couldn't bring myself to throw it out so I gave it to the neighbors.

When I woke up today I thought about all the stupid stuff I have done while drinking when my BF is out of town (bad times). When I bought the beer, I thought I could be in control this time, but I know where that leads.

This is kind of deep, but growing up my dad was an alcoholic and took Valium with it. he eventually died from it when I was 19. To this day, because of my dad's drinking and drugs I feel lonely, because he mentally checked out and then permanently checked out. When my BF goes away, and sometimes it is for a couple months at a time (this time only 12 days) I start to feel pathetic and alone, and I want to drink it away.

MetalChick

Well, it is Saturday evening and instead of getting ready to go out and drink, I am going to my first meeting. Feels funny getting ready on Sat night for this, but the jig is up in my mind and I know going out drinking could very well lead to disaster, and I will feel a lot better about myself in the morning.

I am going to get there super early, so I don't have to walk in in front of people to help my nerves calm down a bit.

Time to get ready.. I have it on the Google map and everything

I will keep you posted

Sapling

I'm glad you went to a meeting MetalChick...I think that's awesome...I hope you got something out of it.

MalkavianEmily

Well done on choosing to go to a meeting rather than drink. I must admit I turned up to a meeting (my second) on a day when I'd been drinking. It was the day when I finally accepted that I did, in fact, have a problem. The day when I started hearing some of the stupid things I'd said to people [Telling the chemist "I want to make it quite clear I don't have a problem. (pause). Why can't I quit drinking?" Telling my friends, "I can drink like nice people."]
This was late afternoon. I'd not planned on quitting when I woke up. Quite the opposite. I'd decided that since I couldn't quit on my own, I wouldn't. I'm not sure what changed my mind. Probably my higher power at work. It still took a few weeks before I could bring myself to use the A word.

But I digress. Hope it goes well. You'll make a wholebuncha friends. Friends who'll help keep you sober. And possibly (and possibly annoyingly) find somewhere you feel you belong. :ghug3
And apologies if that should have been in the past tense

laurie6781

I hope your meeting went well.

This is another reason those AA meetings can help. You will have lots of new potential friends. Get some phones numbers as quick as you can, preferably women for now, and if and when BF has to go out of town, not only will you have meetings to go to, but you will have some sober friends to all and talk with.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. We do care so very much.

Love and hugs,

MetalChick

Hi guys,

Again Thanks for the support. This is so great having you guys here. So amazing.

I feel wonderful; it was great to wake up today- on a Sunday morning without the hangover and the anxiety, guilt, panic, and fear that a night of drinking brings forth.

I almost did a little Dex before the meeting to calm my nerves(how pathetic) but didn't- I had some green tea, did some breathing exercises, got there extra early, and didn't have any coffee. I was a little shaky, and my heart was pounding, but I was not as bad as a thought I would be.

You know what, I actually had a good time at the meeting, but also had a lot of thinking to do, and could relate to those fine people. I didn't talk; just listened and tried not to let myself get emotional for fear of loosing it. I accidentally went to the gay meeting- whoops, but everyone was really cool. I am so glad I went. I am going to find another meeting that fits me better. I hope to make some good non-drinking and/or non-drugging friends. I still can't use the "A" word, but I am not going to pressure myself and worry about that for now.

I am not feeling so lonely and pathetic today, but hopeful. Laurie-- good advice!

I had thoughts about drinking today(probably because I am in a great mood, and my stupid mind tells me that a great mood would be even greater with beer. Any excuse I guess- man oh man... I was complaining about feeling lonely and wanted to drink, now I am in a great mood wanting to drink. Does it ever end? Sorry guys, I am a basket case.

Anyhow, I am going to hang here for a while(that helps) then get my ass out of the house and go to a movie. Then I am going to work on my resume when I get home. I have to keep myself busy. I am going to look into a meeting for Monday night. I fear I may have to spend a lot of nights at meetings this week, probably every night if i can find them. I hope that is not weird.

Again, thank you ,thank you, thank you, for your help

MalkavianEmily

No, you're not. Well, no more than me. And I suspect, quite a few others. In the end, before I seriously decided to quit, I drank because that's what I did. Happy, Mad, Sad. It made no difference. You might as well say I drank because it was a day that ended with a y.
Once I tried to quit... that's when I started finding excuses. And since I spent most of those early days stressed or angry, that's what I used as an excuse. If I'd been happy, I'd have used that instead.

Congratulations for going. That took a lot. And no, it's not weird going to meetings every night. Yesterday I was at two, one in the morning, one in the evening. Last week there were two days I couldn't get to meetings. This week, I'm hoping to get to those as well.
It keeps me sober, and at the end of the day, that's what it's about.

Sapling

First off...You're doing great...I think the fact that you can go to a gay meeting and get something out of it is wonderful...I guess it goes to show you...An alkie's an alkie. As far as that being weird goes...I went to at least 2 meetings a day...7 days a week for my first three months...That kept me sober as I worked the steps. I think it's amazing you are willing to do it. And you shouldn't have any problem finding them...Try some different ones...Straight meetings...Womens meetings...Big Book meetings. Here is the Big Book if you don't have it. Awesome job...You impress me.

The text of Alcoholics Anonymous