SW2012

Hi there,

I am sort of dating someone who is an alcoholic. This is not very new to me since I grew up in a family of alcoholics but it's different when you're the girlfriend. I have caught him in a few lies, one being that he has a 2 year old daughter. He told me he didn't have children until I found out he did. He has also lied about how many times he's gone to rehab. He at first told me three times but then later said 5. He goes on binges and disappears for hours when he's drinking. He'll be doing great for a week or so and then all of a sudden something good or bad triggers him and he goes on a binge and that lasts for days. He goes to AA meetings and group sessions but on Monday, after he drank all weekend, he went to an AA meeting and was telling me this was it. No more drinking and then he went to a bar and drank his face off after the meeting. I'm not sure if I should stick with him and try my best to support him or if I should let him work the steps and get healthy on his own. The thing is (and it seems to be the case usually because my dad was the same) that when he's sober he's the most kind and caring person I've ever met but when he drinks he's angry at the world. I'm not sure what my next steps should be. I'm not sure if I should stay. This is a fairly new relationship. We've been dating for a few months but he seems to not ever want to be alone. He says he drinks when he gets lonely and he's always questioning me as to where I am and who I'm with. I feel like he's totally attached himself onto me for some reason. He's asked me to go to meetings with him and I am willing to do that. I'm just not sure how to support him without enabling him. I get scared of upsetting him because I don't want him to drink beecause I upset him. The other day he said he drank because I shocked him when I told him that I wasn't sure if we should date right now since he needs to focus on getting better.

Can anyone give me suggestions or their opinions as to what I should do next?

Thanks in advance.

justanothrdrunk

You don't want any part of that. Move on.

Sapling

You have two choices...You can stay with an alcoholic that isn't done yet...And will continue to put alcohol ahead of everything else...Including you...I did that with my ex wife....Or you can leave and let him finish what he has to do. Your call.

Hollyanne

Next step?
Quietly exit the crazy train and go to Alanon.
Adult children of alcoholics tend to either become one or date them.
Break this cycle now and save yourself a hard and painful life.
He needs you. He is a clingon, scrape him off.
Take a break from dating anyone until you sort yourself out.
BTW, I do think it is nice that you are nice, but this is a bad situation and will get worse.

MrsKing

He's an alcoholic and until he's 100% ready to quit alcohol forever, there is nothing you can do to stop/help him. I'm sorry to tell you this, but he will not be a good partner until he takes control of his addiction. I am saying this because I was not a good partner back when I was drinking. He will not be able to look after you or love you properly because he doesn't love himself. If he loved himself enough he would be able to make the choice to quit and stay sober. He doesn't want to do that, and if he doesn't want to do that for himself, he definitely won't do it for you. I'm sorry that you're having a hard time with him, but it will only get worse unless he realises the extent of his problem and sees no other way but to get sober. I hope he comes to this conclusion soon, but there are no guarantees. Maybe you could point him in the way of SR? Maybe he'd benefit from the support here. Also, you could check out the friends and family section of this boards. All the best.

Hollyanne

One other thing.
A closed meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, is for "people with a desire to stop drinking".
Respect this tradition, even if he doesn't.

SamanthaIam

SW -- I'm 48 and I often look back on the many, many times I coulda/shoulda walked away from a liar with alcohol problems. I didn't, because like you, I was trying to be "nice" and "supportive." Oh, how I wish I'd had the backbone 15 years ago to just say NO WAY to the kind of misery I willingly set myself up for! Though at the time I believed I could "help" the guy, and in a sick way I even thought he would love me more for it, all it did was drag me down and result in so much trouble and heartache.

Please, re-read your post and notice how it's all about HIM. I'd love to see a post that's about YOU -- what you want, what you need, what you dream of. Trust me, it's not going to be: I dream of being with an addicted liar who is needy and possessive, and who hooks me in with rare shows of kindness (I say "shows" because that's what they are).

I hope you'll figure out that you truly deserve better. Don't be like me and give up yourself just to support this falling-down structure.

Thepatman

An ultimatum that he must completelly stop for good or it's over, and that you will have 0tolerance and won't give him a second chance will give you your answer. (Don't think it will be a positive outcome because he would need to do it for himself first, then second for you that he loves, if he really does)

I lost my girlfriend 7 months ago because of another binge and was verbally abusive again. I really loved her. I drank myself to stupidity for months then decided it was time to end my madness. I've been sobber since June4th and done for good.

I'm seing my ex girlfriend now to try to save what I lost because of the booze. We both know that if I drink only once that it will be over for good between us.

It's only me, people are different. I know I was done for long, but needed to come to the point of hating the bottle with all my guts. I do now, with a passion, so it's really easy not to drink when I know my enemy and what he will bring to my life if I listen to him. total misery!!

CarolD

i see you have found our Friends and Family Forums...that is really a
good place for checking out how others are dealing with alcholics.

Me? I'd be running for the hills.
Lying he is a Dad would have been my deal breaker..

BTW..I did dump my still drinking lover ..he survived
and I never looked back...

UpperbucksAAguy

ask for experiences- our opinions stink

albionel

Why would you want to stay with a man who lied about having a child? What kind of father could he possibly be? That alone would make me run as fast as I could...let alone him having an issue with alcohol. Good luck...

SW2012

Thank you everyone for your posts. I appreciate every one of them.

Joe Nerv

+ 1. Not even sure if I'd do that though.

There is nothing in the description of your relationship that says "stay" to me. EVERYTHING you stated screams run like hell, while you still can. He's lying to you, blaming you, playing on your emotions, and proving himself to be a classic example of an abusive acoholic who can and will ruin your life (or a significant portion of it). Seems you're in a position where you can still get out. I'd advise you to do it.

That's my opinion. As for my experience, and I agree that experience is worth much more than opinions, there's something I don't hear many people talk about that is a powerful gift of walking away. I dated some very sick women in my time. When I got sober that didn't magically stop. What changed though was I got some good sponsorship, and started listening, learning, and growing. My relationships got better and better, and I am now happily married to a wonderful, honest, self resecting and giving woman. The experience that your post brings to mind though is of one particular time that I was head over heels crazy for this girl I was dating for a short while. We were supposed to get together one night and she told me she couldn't for some reason that I didn't question. I wound up going to a club with a friend and guess who I ran into, flirting with some guys. Sparing the details and her excellent reasons for being there and why her plans had changed, it took every ounce of strength I had to not stay with her that night (she wanted to hang with me), and to walk away for good from someone I knew was a liar. I think it was the first time I trusted my gut, instead of listening to the BS that some can be incredibly good at. It was hard, it hurt, and it took a lot for me to do that, but the strength I got from that one time of walking out was immeasurable. The pain healed quickly and it was as if a switch inside me were flicked. I became almost instantly unattracted to women of her kind. After that moment in the club, regardless of how beatiful a woman was that I met (which is all that ever really mattered before that ), if she started lying to me the attraction would just melt away. In the past, for sick reasons, lies would attract me all the more.

Anyhow, little moments of mustering all my strength to act differently than I was accustomed to, kept me on a slow but very steady growing path. I had good sponsorship, and I was constantly reassured that I was worth more than the abuse that some people make an art out of continually dishing out. There are beautiful, wonderful, healthy, honest people you can and will be with, if you choose. Work towards the goal of being the most beautiful, honest, loving, self respecting person you can be and you'll attract the same. That's my experience, anyhow.

SW2012

Thank you Joe Nerv! I really appreciate your telling me your past experiences and what you think I should do.

PaperDolls

My first thought -- you're sort of dating a guy that is an alcoholic, it's apparently impacting your life in a negative way if you're on a support site asking questions about it. It's quite a red flag.

If you're just "sort of" dating him, now would be the time to get out, before you get more emotionally involved and therefore hurt more in the long run.

Just my two cents.

Good luck to you!!

oh2exhale

Hello;
Recovery from alcoholism requires us to figure out our part in it instead of blaming others for our behavior. An active alcoholic will find people, places and things to blame drinking on. You are already the cause of his drinking, in his mind, and will continue to be - including breaking it off. Be strong. Like many people who have posted here I also noticed that your post was nothing about YOU. Go find out what you need, and what you are all about. Then you may be able to find someone to share that wonderful you with that lines up with your own values. God Bless!

Boleo

When I was in rehab the rule seemed to be:

9 or less = 1
10 or more = 30

sober4myboys

This is a disaster waiting to happen. Save yourself time, heartache and grief. I wouldn't give him an option. Tell him your done. If you meet the sober him somewhere down the road, then try it again, but if not, you have saved yourself a lifetime of hurt. Al-Anon sounds like a good plan to me too.

I was married to an alcoholic (before I realized I was one) and it was always about him, we had a son and he was NEVER around, would disappear for WEEKS at a time. He got another girl pregnant while we were married. I should have stopped before I began but for some reason I thought I could "fix" him. I didn't fix anything, I went down with him. Please stop before your in too deep and you go down as well.

Sudz No More

He's definitely sick you know that, whether you want to help him or not. The pattern he is in will be hard to break and he has to sincerely want it for himself before anything you do or say will matter. Just my honest opinion as another alcoholic.

sugarbear1

I went to Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings. I ended up in Al Anon meetings. Now I attend and am sober through Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't date anyone who drinks and I don't date anyone in AA today. My experience.

I wish you well,