3 in a marriage
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3 in a marriage
My husband and I have had a very rough year. And yes....99.9% of it is from drinking. Everyday we move a little further apart, even with me working my recovery program.
Since we first met his mother has been in the middle of everything we do. I feel ganged up on a lot. Fathers day morning I was asleep on the couch. I was waking up and heard my husband on the phone talking to his mom about me! This was not the first time I have overheard the two of them discussing me/our marriage. I have talked to him about her many times over the years. This was my last straw. He knew he was busted. The rest of the day all he would say is "i didnt say anything bad about you" (which was a lie) Mind you...he will sit and listen to her bash me though and he thinks that is ok. Our last conversation about it was last week and he said "I will talk to my mother about whatever I want"
I cant get this out of my head. The disrespect is driving me crazy. This is such an old subject. They say "one day at a time" but that only applies to me I guess. Others can dwell, **** & moan about crap that happened 5 years ago. Its so frustrating.
Since we first met his mother has been in the middle of everything we do. I feel ganged up on a lot. Fathers day morning I was asleep on the couch. I was waking up and heard my husband on the phone talking to his mom about me! This was not the first time I have overheard the two of them discussing me/our marriage. I have talked to him about her many times over the years. This was my last straw. He knew he was busted. The rest of the day all he would say is "i didnt say anything bad about you" (which was a lie) Mind you...he will sit and listen to her bash me though and he thinks that is ok. Our last conversation about it was last week and he said "I will talk to my mother about whatever I want"
I cant get this out of my head. The disrespect is driving me crazy. This is such an old subject. They say "one day at a time" but that only applies to me I guess. Others can dwell, **** & moan about crap that happened 5 years ago. Its so frustrating.
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There is a book that helped me greatly by Harriet Lerner entitled Dance of Anger - in it she describes triangles created in relationships. One being between your husband and mother-in-law and you. Your mil feels like her relationship with her son is stronger and the bond between you two weakens when he does stuff like that. It is a very interesting book on relationships. I get all my books online for a dollar. I can PM you the name of the website if you send me a note. Best of luck to you on working your program.
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Originally Posted by oh2exhale 
There is a book that helped me greatly by Harriet Lerner entitled Dance of Anger - in it she describes triangles created in relationships. One being between your husband and mother-in-law and you. Your mil feels like her relationship with her son is stronger and the bond between you two weakens when he does stuff like that. It is a very interesting book on relationships. I get all my books online for a dollar. I can PM you the name of the website if you send me a note. Best of luck to you on working your program.
yeah...PM me that link--thank you!
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yup, used to **** me off when poepe would run their mouths about me. what helped me is my sponsor, the ***** he is. he would say,"whats yer part in it?" or," ya spot it ya got it."
then he would say,"tom when ya get hurting enough so a searching and fearless moral inventory on em."
so now, when i hear the crap get back to me and i know its lies, it sdoesnt bother me.
i am glad today when people talk about me and tell lies. that way they are spending their time on someone who can take it instead of someone who cant.
it's either that or beat em up!
then he would say,"tom when ya get hurting enough so a searching and fearless moral inventory on em."
so now, when i hear the crap get back to me and i know its lies, it sdoesnt bother me.
i am glad today when people talk about me and tell lies. that way they are spending their time on someone who can take it instead of someone who cant.
it's either that or beat em up!
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Its frustrating. I really really think some people relish in others screw ups. Like its entertainment. And her "venting" to my husband has to stop. It really does. We arent talking about girlfriends gossipping on the playground...this is a marriage being messed with. Marriage is hard enough sometimes.
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I know it's hard but you just have to let all that stuff lie for now as you focus on staying sober. Early recovery is very hard and very... QUIET as distinct from the drama of everyday drinking.
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My mom is a legendary "brawler" and so is my wife. They're both good people and they both love me but boy oh boy getting between them is emotionally devastating for me. They just bring out the worst in each other. Usually it involves some level of drinking on my mom's part. Thank god it's like the opposite of a trigger for me, someone's got to act like a grown up, right? If they force me to pick a side I just remember that I chose my wife, no matter how nasty she might seem at any given moment. I moved as far away from my mom as I could get.
It seems like it would be common sense and courteous of your husband to have phone conversations with his mom when you aren't there to hear it or better still, man up and tell her to knock it off. Sobriety seems to make these issues more acutely painful but maybe a little easier to resolve. Be thankful that you don't have to think about it with a thick hangover, barely remembering some hideous fight. Good luck!
It seems like it would be common sense and courteous of your husband to have phone conversations with his mom when you aren't there to hear it or better still, man up and tell her to knock it off. Sobriety seems to make these issues more acutely painful but maybe a little easier to resolve. Be thankful that you don't have to think about it with a thick hangover, barely remembering some hideous fight. Good luck!
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Originally Posted by gaffo
My mom is a legendary "brawler" and so is my wife. They're both good people and they both love me but boy oh boy getting between them is emotionally devastating for me. They just bring out the worst in each other. Usually it involves some level of drinking on my mom's part. Thank god it's like the opposite of a trigger for me, someone's got to act like a grown up, right? If they force me to pick a side I just remember that I chose my wife, no matter how nasty she might seem at any given moment. I moved as far away from my mom as I could get.
It seems like it would be common sense and courteous of your husband to have phone conversations with his mom when you aren't there to hear it or better still, man up and tell her to knock it off. Sobriety seems to make these issues more acutely painful but maybe a little easier to resolve. Be thankful that you don't have to think about it with a thick hangover, barely remembering some hideous fight. Good luck!
It seems like it would be common sense and courteous of your husband to have phone conversations with his mom when you aren't there to hear it or better still, man up and tell her to knock it off. Sobriety seems to make these issues more acutely painful but maybe a little easier to resolve. Be thankful that you don't have to think about it with a thick hangover, barely remembering some hideous fight. Good luck!
She is a super lady. Im closer to her than her other daughters-in-law (who keep her miles away at arm length) I wish my husband was morelike you. I honestly never know where I stand in the dynamic. It sucks to feel attacked.
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Originally Posted by OklaBH
She is a super lady. Im closer to her than her other daughters-in-law
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Originally Posted by Sapling
I guess you should be grateful for that....Imagine the phone conversations they have to overhear.
Funny! I doubt they have to hear such garbage. Being a garden variety alocoholic I never have had "healthy boundaries" My sisters-in-law do. So sadly although it sucks and is inappropriate...I brought some on myself.
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I pretty much have the same problem, and since I've been sober I have found it increasingly hard to deal with. The relationship between my husband and mother in law I find very difficult to understand and she's very interfering and demanding. I don't know what to say advice-wise, because basically I know how TOUGH it can be when mother in laws get in the way so much. I don't know why it's so much more difficult when sober, either, but it definitely is. I think because we are trying so hard to sort out our selves/lives that having people try to compromise that is just not on in our minds. I try my best not to think about it, but I know that is difficult. Good luck. I feel for you!
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Originally Posted by MrsKing
I pretty much have the same problem, and since I've been sober I have found it increasingly hard to deal with. The relationship between my husband and mother in law I find very difficult to understand and she's very interfering and demanding. I don't know what to say advice-wise, because basically I know how TOUGH it can be when mother in laws get in the way so much. I don't know why it's so much more difficult when sober, either, but it definitely is. I think because we are trying so hard to sort out our selves/lives that having people try to compromise that is just not on in our minds. I try my best not to think about it, but I know that is difficult. Good luck. I feel for you!
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So after almost 2 months of the cold shoulder I got a voice mail from my mother in law last night. I didnt answer when she called because hubby & I were at dinner. She left a voice mail that said "just calling to give you some family news" She sounded quite put out that I didnt answer. I called my husband this morning (he had to work today). I told him you better call your mom. There is some family news.
Funny...with all my drunken escapades I didnt realize I was part of the family. I actually specifically remember her telling my husband that she was being stand offish in hopes it would "make me better" WTH?
Sitting on the edge of my seat to find out who is moving or knocked up. NOT!
Funny...with all my drunken escapades I didnt realize I was part of the family. I actually specifically remember her telling my husband that she was being stand offish in hopes it would "make me better" WTH?
Sitting on the edge of my seat to find out who is moving or knocked up. NOT!
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I hope it's news you would like to hear. Non sense worrying about people in your life that don't understand how hard this is. That's why we come here and chat with like minded people who do understand.
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Originally Posted by Sudz No More
I hope it's news you would like to hear. Non sense worrying about people in your life that don't understand how hard this is. That's why we come here and chat with like minded people who do understand.
true dat' she cut me off at the ankles 2 months ago. She had some seething things to say to my husband about me. Now she is coming up with reasons to get back in. She is lonely. 3 sons, 3 daughters in law. Sadly I am the only one that makes sure she has gifts/cars on her birthday..gifts/stocking at Christmas. I took time to do things with her. My husband acknowledged all of that to me one day. I was shocked he noticed. Part of my recovery is boundaries. Some are picket fences and some have to be the Berlin wall.
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Amen to the Wall. I hate to say it but what she thinks of you is none of your business. When your husband makes it your business, it becomes something between you and him. BTDT and it's just awful.
I live next door to my MIL, and once she realized that she had no control over me, she got worse, then better. The consistency learned from the steps is key here: You have the power to not respond, or to respond with the boundaries you've put in place. I've heard all this stuff referred to as "Al Anon issues", but it's life stuff. "Family Afterward" talks about the jealousy some family members feel when we get sober, and what we can do is consistently live the steps and not be doormats (gently) where we used to be.
Think about it: she got to have her enmeshed (psych term) relationship with your husband and have wackadoo poor boundaries all she wanted when you drank, and now the 'rules' as she sees them have changed. You're not a numbed-out person any more, and she's feeling the heat. The people around us who were used to our drinking behavior often push back for us to change back.
Then again, it took me threatening to leave my husband before he saw that I was #1 woman by virtue of our wedding vows. We both ended up re-working the steps after that, because our defects were bigger than **it.
Is your husband in Al Anon, or is he willing to read and study "Family Afterward" with you?
I live next door to my MIL, and once she realized that she had no control over me, she got worse, then better. The consistency learned from the steps is key here: You have the power to not respond, or to respond with the boundaries you've put in place. I've heard all this stuff referred to as "Al Anon issues", but it's life stuff. "Family Afterward" talks about the jealousy some family members feel when we get sober, and what we can do is consistently live the steps and not be doormats (gently) where we used to be.
Think about it: she got to have her enmeshed (psych term) relationship with your husband and have wackadoo poor boundaries all she wanted when you drank, and now the 'rules' as she sees them have changed. You're not a numbed-out person any more, and she's feeling the heat. The people around us who were used to our drinking behavior often push back for us to change back.
Then again, it took me threatening to leave my husband before he saw that I was #1 woman by virtue of our wedding vows. We both ended up re-working the steps after that, because our defects were bigger than **it.
Is your husband in Al Anon, or is he willing to read and study "Family Afterward" with you?
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TXbloom-I never thought of it like that. Thank you. Something happened because she has called me 2 times in the last couple months (used to be everyday or every other) and she calls my husband about once a week. I cant let myself think about it because i get to mad/resentful. It is true though. Once you put your foot down and dont allow certain behaviors people take notice. They may not like it but at least they notice.
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