Married but falling in love with another alcoholic...
 

I know it sounds crazy 7 ways til Sunday, and I'm confused about it myself. But here's the skinny... I'm married and I am falling in love with a friend in recovery. I have been married for 10 years, sober for almost 2. Oddly enough, my courtship with my wife was while she was my bartender. For almost the past year I have become friends with, go to AA meetings with, sing in the church choir with, and overall have developed a wonderful friendship with another recovering alcoholic, of 8 years, who became widowed shortly over a year ago.

Here's the dilemma. I find myself falling in love with this woman. More and more each day. I adore her. I have found that the feeling are mutual, and we are both awkward about how to handle this. There has been nothing other than a platonic friendship so far, and we don't want to lose that.

I have never cheated on my wife, and I still do love my wife. I've never had feelings like this before for another woman while married. I've never had feelings like this for another woman while sober. I am sober, and head over heals in love with another woman. I know to some this makes me a schmuck. I'm simply posting because I'm confused. Confused, confused, confused.

Any thoughts?
Zube

I think the more you continue to do things with this other woman the more you may as well write off your marriage. I think you have to decide what you want to do...not fair to keep dabbling emotionally- some call it an emotional affair which is just as heart breaking for someone as any physical affair..maybe more so.

Stop doing things with this woman. Your feelings will fade, and the lasting "real" love you have for your wife will prevail.

It is natural to start becoming infatuated with a member of the opposite sex when we: share, have fun with, have things in common, and spend a lot of time with them, and specifically if there is a physical attraction.

You sound like you are already at the point of an emotional affair.

As I said, and I know because I have been in your shoes and made a horrid mistake.

STOP DOING THINGS WITH HER

Good luck

We all have the ability to have feelings for someone other than our marriage partner. This is not at all unusual. However, if you love your wife, as you say you do, then it is up to you to put a stop to seeing this other woman. Nothing good can come from it.

Curious if either the other woman or you and your wife are parents?
You did not mention that and I think that also has to be considered.

How about dividing up propety and funds and all the other stuff
that has been acquired during your marriage?
Best to check into the legalities before jumping into anything.

You mentioned a church affiliation ..ask your minister for counsling...
again before doing anything

Just my 2 cents....from someone who has been in love/involved 7 times
:)

Any thoughts?
yer nuts.

have ya talked to yer sponsor about this? working the steps will find out what is really goin on with ya.

Think, Think, Think. You love your wife? You made vows to her? She has stuck by you and kept her vows?

If you betray her, you will tear her apart. If you betray your vows, you betray your own values and in the end you betray yourself. This is not a trivial matter, people will be hurt, including you.

Do you have any friends who have been betrayed like this? Did you see the pain it caused? Put a stop to this self serving indulgence before it leads you back to the bottle.

I have both been in your shoes and been in your wife's shoes. And I am sorry to be a wet blanket, but I agree with the others. If there is nothing wrong with your relationship with your wife and you love her, stop everything with this woman. Now.

delete

oh my friend....it happens. The only way you will save your marriage is tell the woman you 2 cant be friends. Its sad and it sucks but your home breaking up would be worse. My very very first time in AA I was told "the women stick with the women and the men with the men" Im sorry this is happening.

Stop it now. You have NO idea of the pain & suffering you are both going to cause. Sure, you have somebody who understands and gets your pain and where you're coming from but having a disease in common is hardly a great basis for a relationship. When both of you are recovered, what will you have left?

This will destroy your marriage and your Wife.

I don't know why, but what popped into my head was the "9/11 widows".
The firemen who lost their buddies went to comfort the widows and a lot of them stayed.
My sponsor is married to a good guy and she has told me how she fell head over heels for an older man in AA. She considered leaving her husband of many years.
She didn't, and cringes at the thought of how close she came. It is an illusion. Grass is greener..........
You have a wife, she has been there all along, you know and love her. Do not throw it all away for an infatuation. You know your wife, warts and all.
Where is your sponsor? Have you talked to him?
Men for men, women for women!!!!! This is why!!!!!

If you think she is the love of your life than start planning before a scandal erupts. It does happen that people fall OUT of love with their spouse, but are you sure the second one will last longer than the first one? or will you move on to someone else when she gets to be boring and not so exciting any more?

The infatuation and especially when it's "kind" of secret makes it all the more enticing and exciting.
Once everyone finds out you two are a couple, you plan to divorce and all that, will it still be exciting? Will you move to another state or will you be able to face your ex wife then and all your friends?

good luck in whatever you decide.

If you're still falling in love, pull the rip-cord now and get a soft landing for everyone under your chute. The potential for harming your wife and yourself is not worth the increased tempo of your heartbeat.

Does your wife know about this woman? I wouldnt be suprised if she doesnt already had her suspicions. Infatuation/exhilaration in new relationships shows from a mile away.

The other angle of this is that the process of divorce is horrid for all involved. The "friendly divorce" doesn't exist. The process itself will put your relationship in another level beyond which it can't survive and then you have nothing. Picture your "wonderful" relationship where you end up only talking about your soon to be ex and all the hateful things she is doing or you want to do to her in retaliation. The divorce becomes all encompassing and it is there no matter what you do. Try a candlelit dinner talking about your latest legal proceedings. Sort of like being an alcoholic?

Thanks for the suggestions. They seem to all ring the same message, and did get me thinking. My wife has been with me from rock bottom through now. And I do love her. I need to break it off with the "other woman". I did not realize that we are already in an emotional affair. I think I heard what I needed to hear. Sometimes my alkie brain distorts my vision. This time, bigtime.

Thanks Again
Zube

Good for you, bringing this up!

Get out of that other relationship now. The pain and regret this affair would cause is unmeasurable.

You are a good person Zube, I can tell. Don't do a bad thing.

You are having an emotional affair.

I have personal experience with this.

If you want to save your marriage, this is what you do:

1. Cut off all contact with the AA woman. This includes meetings. Do not go to meetings she attends with the idea that you "need a meeting" and she is just another meeting attendee. Go to different meetings. If she shows up at a meeting where you are, LEAVE.

2. Start spending quality time with your wife. Go out with her. Take her to dinner, movies, whatever it is that you two enjoy doing together. If a vacation is possible, this would be an excellent time to go....without the kids.

3. If the above do not help, seek professional counseling ASAP.

Above all, do not listen to the voices in your head telling you that the AA woman is your "soulmate" and there is something wrong with your marriage because you met your wife in a bar. These things are justifications....and since you are fundamentally a good man, you know it. Hence the confusion.

Bottom line: break this off NOW.