simplyfab

So last night I was had the house to myself. The kids had a sleepover at Grandmas and the BF or ex, don't even know what we are anymore.."roommate", had a ride along with the station he's going out to and wouldnt be home all night.
Now, what to do? Drinking definitely came to mind, as nobody would know. But believe it or not, I couldn't do it. Really, just didn't want to.
I went for a bike ride, then stopped at rite aid to get lined paper. He had bought some the day before, but got the wrong kind. Its weird, but there's only a certain kind of lined paper I like having at the house. Just one of my little 'things' that just is the way it is. Anyway, as I'm going through the aisle and looking for it, I come across journals. I thought, ok...this is how I'm gonna spend my night. Gonna get some popcorn write in my 'new' journal, then order a movie.
But what I thought was gonna be so easy and liberating to do, became the most frustrating.
I had no idea what to write. Or did, but didn't think it was important enough to waste on an 100 page journal. And what bothers me the most, is that all I thought about writing, seemed insignificant or embarrassing. All I could think about was, is if someone where to read this, what would they think? I can't write this, or about that. They're gonna think I'm stupid, or so messed up, lost, scared, or just, not a woman. But a little girl. Immature..at my age.
I could hear them saying, 'Quit whining already!, get over it and grow up!'
I don't know, maybe it was me or my inner 'me' talking to myself, but whatever it was, made this whole journal thing not so spiritual, but upsetting.
I thought that me not even wanting to drink on a night I could get away with it was a huge thing, but this seemed to have set me back more steps than actually having the drinks. Or is that my alkie voice talking right now?
I don't know..Maybe I value other peoples opinion about me more than I let up. Or like to admit.
One of the things I hate about myself is that I really don't know who I am or what I want. I don't know how to let peoples opinions of me just roll off and hit the floor. I carry them. For a long time. 'Dress accordingly'. And change personsalities or opinions according to others' values or morals, because I have none of my own. I hate this about myself!
I hate that I'm like this! Why do I care so much what other people think of me, to the point where I'm not even comfortable to write what is real in my own journal??

Sugah

I was that way. It took a long time and a lot of work to change it--helped along by my first journal, in which I wrote (and then shared) my 4th step.

I told someone the other day, "It's like I was wrapped in duct tape the first 34 years of my life. Once I was loose, look out!"

What are you doing to stay sober?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Elisabeth888

I know exactly how you feel!! I have a hard time journaling and when I do, I cringe when I read it. I am also afraid my husband will read it. He has done it before. I really don't think he would again because I got so mad and upset about it.

I am right now, just journal about recovery stuff, not my inner most thoughts. It is weird because when I was drinking I kept a blogt on the Internet bitching about my life.

pinkdog

I think it is good to write it down. Then tear it up. It helps to get things clear in your mind. Hugs to you.:day6

FlyerFan

self-talk is what gets us into trouble! don't listen to those voices!

Boleo

There is more to not-drinking than not-drinking. I used to use alcohol to feel good about not dealing with life. Now I use life to feel good about not dealing with alcohol.

It took a whole new attitude toward life, before sobriety was worth having. Spiritual Principles work because they attract the POMJSOP (Peace Of Mind, Joy & Sense Of Purpose) into my life that makes drugs and alcohol superfluous.

SamanthaIam

simplyfab, I totally relate!

I guess what I have to offer here is this: the uncomfortable / "I hate this" feelings you're having right now are a good thing -- because it means you're about to make changes and learn! You're about to find out how fabulous you are. If you were just numbed out on alcohol, you'd coast along for who knows how long, doing nothing, right? But these feelings, IMHO, signal growth and change. Questioning that will lead you to better things.

simplyfab

Boleo, your post really spoke to me. I definitely know that there's more to not drinking than not-drinking.
For a long time now, I blamed all my problems on alcohol. Even when I was sober last yr. On some level, I wished and hoped that all the pieces would fall together once alcohol was out of the picture. I wished I would be the execption, where this one time, it actually happened. No such luck, obviously.
I've come to a point where I don't want alcohol. I hate it and want nothing to do with it. But with this, and having a major relapsed last Oct. because I wasn't working on me, comes this thinking where I'm analyzing every part of my life and its overwhelming. There's so much to work on, that I have no idea where to start. What do I tackle first?
I think, just like alcohol, I want the fastest, easiest way. But, ODAAT is gonna have to do. I just have to swallow what is, accept it, stop dwelling and let it be.
Thank you for your post

Samantha..I feel the changes coming on. Slowly. And more so this time around. Last yr when I was sober, I put all my energy on fixing my family. This time, there's nothing stopping me from feeling these feelings. And every pore in my body is screaming at me that this isn't how I'm supposed to be. That I'm better than this. It's just a little hard to believe sometimes when everything about me is a mess.

I need to get my head outta my a$$ already and just get out of my funk. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and step up to what I know needs to get done.

I've been writing in my journal. Right now its just a thought that comes to mind. Or whats bothering me or just what happened that day. Baby steps, I guess.

To anybody who has 'em...Any tips or stories on what you did or how you started fixing 'you'. Aside from alcohol. I know they went hand in hand, and on some level, still do, but I'm a mess yo.
Any self help books you guys recommend? On all aspects of life.

-Simply

neferkamichael

My entire life was work and use chemical substances. I'm 1 year 11 months sober, 9 months 19 days, no crack, 25 days, no cigarettes, no coffee with an S-load of sugar since May 22nd. I'm better off than I was while using, but still miserable. Yea, me too, who am I.

2granddaughters

simplyfab, are you attending AA regularly?

All the best.

Bob R

elizabeth1967

I feel lost very often since I became recently sober my drinking was part of my identity even dating was involved in my drinking went on date last night did not drink neither did my date. It was a 1st date went well but if I did not recieve my DUI on April 21, 2012 I could not even imagine spending a date without involving drinking. I am finally happy I dont drink anymore but feel lost who am I ? Some days I dont even know me? I blog on here but would never have the guts to write in down so dont feel bad. I admire you for even attempting the idea.

simplyfab

Wow Michael, that's awesome! Congratulations on your time sober!

It's frustrating, huh? Not knowing yourself. More sad than anything, I think. Well, for me it is. It makes me sad to be this person.
But you're right. Definitely better off than if I was still drinking. I don't have a lot of time under my belt..Day 17 for me, but I'm glad I reached the point where I'm tired of the way I'm living. So much so, that drinking repulses me right now. So, I better strike while the iron's hot and start healing.

What are you doing to find 'you'?



2GD's...I don't attend AA regularly. I've been to several AA meetings across town and I feel its just not for me. I do better in a 'group' setting as well as therapy.
I start my program on Monday and even though its required because of my DUI, I'm really looking foward to it. I want to go back to Kaiser's out patient program also. Just kinda hard with the kids out for the summer. Only my son's gonna attend a summer day program, and I don't have anybody to watch my daughter. Kaisers program is about 8 hrs a day 7 days a week which switches off from morining - afternoons to afternoon - evenings, every other day.
I guess it's time to call in what ever favors I have left and see if there's any arrangements I can make for a babysitter. That program will help me out so much right now.

Elizabeth, it's one of the many things I struggle with right now, too. Drinking being part of my identity. Like, what if I'm not as fun or interesting to be around now that I'm sober. Which is BS (I hope), but the lack of self confidence and self esteem has me doubting everything about me right now.


I've never felt this lost before. I'm even avoiding friends and family functions because I don't know how to just be, right now. It feels like a blanket over me.
I don't know..maybe I'm using this 'blanket' as a comforting tool on some level. Another way to avoid facing and healing me. Seeing it as so overwhelming makes it easy to push it away.
But then, when I do think about it, it really is overwhelming. I really do have major issues and old wounds I need to address.
I'm also avoiding them because seeing them and all they're doing, financially, career wise, educationally, just makes me feel even more like crap. I have absolutely nothing in common with my girl cousins I grew up so close to anymore.
Anyway, my mind is all over the place right now. I'm gonna go for a walk. Take my kids to get frozen yogurt.

Again, any-self help books anybody can recommend??

Thanks all...
-Simply

Zencat

Hi Simply. Well done with 17 days free from alcohol.

I have copy and past list from SR members of book that have been recommended. I'll share it with you.
I hope that helps.

2granddaughters

I wish you the best in your chosen recovery program....

AA will be there later if you need it.

All the best.

Bob R

DarrenW

If you are a reader I highly suggest reading Be Fearless (Alpert). I had many of the same personal issues as you. This book changed my life.

simplyfab

Hi Zencat..
Thanks a bunch for the book suggestions. I've actually read a couple of those books but will definitely look into the others I haven't.
Again, thanks.

Darren, how long sober do you have? And where are you, in terms of the personal issues you yourself have/had?
I'm gonna check my nook color and see if they offer it through there. If so, I'm gonna download it ASAP.


So, its another Saturday night alone. Kids are gone again and my ???
is at work til morning.
It hurt that my kids couldn't wait to leave. I barely got a kiss goodbye. I had to call them back. I know its nothing personal, and it doesn't mean they don't want to be with me, but it is affecting them still. All of it. The drinking, and now this. Which they probably don't know the difference between because mom is still down, lacking energy, lazy and drags her feet to leave the house.
My kids deserve better than this. They always have.
I can't keep sitting here and feeling sorry for the situation I'm in. My son needs to know that this isn't how women are, and my daughter needs a strong mom to look up to.

Surprisingly, all this emotional vomit I'm spitting out is changing my mood. For the better. I think writing it/ saying it out loud is helping a little. Feels like with those of you relating and responding, that I'm not going through this alone in my head.

Feeling a little better...
-Simply

DarrenW

I am still pretty early in my sobriety. 7.5 months. My issues were pretty bad:

I resented nearly everyone in my life. If they ever harmed me in any way I held it against them.

I thought everyone was better than me. Everyone. I thought that people were always judging me. I was scared to enter a room with people because they might say bad things about me. In a group I was afraid to talk because I just didnt have anything worthy to say. I agreed with anything people told me about a situation...after all, they were better than me so my opinion should be withheld. Big time inferiority complex...huge!

The Fearless book is on BN.com. I bought it recently. I wish it was a lendme book and I could let you borrow it!

DarrenW

You have a lot of good in your posts. I can tell your very smart and well tuned to your surroundings. That is a very good thing! My change has taken place over a very long time. I also liked the acceptance section of the AA Big Book. A google search should pull it up for you.

Let me know if I can help

Sudz No More

What a great thread this is. Thank you Simplyfab and to all who have added their wisdom.

edward73

sounds right anytime alone in my own head,self begins to doubt and fear takes over. which is why drinking is my problem its legal accepted most places. It hasent worked too well for me at 38 damn a crazy life expecting, experimenting with alcohol poison to put simply to me. Dont take the first one rest and b happy . Thats all for now Guess Im writing trying to pass some experience on to ya . Huh practice the spirituality part GOD a new one for me allright hope u have a good day Im new here not to AA 20 Plus years in it.