spryte

Hi,

It's me again. I have posted in SR from time to time. I have been going to AA also. I got 6 mos a couple of years ago, and since then have only been to string together maybe a month, and lately a week.

So, I go a number of days, then have a binge - often a black-out, then back to not drinking. I feel that this is dangerous, as I'm not moving ahead with things as I feel I should in the days when I'm not drinking. It's not just the drinking days, it's how I'm spending the non-drinking days.

I have a sponsor; I haven't joined a group. I don't really trust people in AA, I don't want to share my business.

I did start to pray to HP in the morning and evening and felt like that was a real breakthrough but I didn't keep it up, didn't make it habit. It seems like I can't make anything good for me a habit - praying, calling people, exercising, eating well...if its good for me - I refuse to make it a habit.

Once I figure out that it's good for me, then I quit doing it. I feel like all I do is figure out the best way to do things, then toss it aside because I have to figure something else out. All I want to do is figure things out - I don't want to do things.

I drank yesterday, and this morning I feel hopeless (not suicidal or anything - just out of hope). I feel like it's all pointless - I feel very separate and apart and I don't see the point of things, I don't see WHY I'm suposed to stop drinking.

I called my sponsor and she hasn't called back yet. I don't have any other phone numbers. So, I am posting here. I feel very sad.

As strange as that seems, it feels good to admit that.

Anyway, any input would be appreciated.

tornbetweendays

Just know that you are not alone. I am in the same place as you. I have tried and done well over the last two and a half years. I have had great periods of sobriety with relapses strewn in here and there. I had a pretty good spate of relapses the last month. A week on, a week off and finished the whole month with a five day bender of cheap strong beer.

I feel ready to really try and get this right, I hope you do too. Don't give up, just keep trying. Many of us here are right with you, stay with us.

sugarbear1

It took me 25 years to get to the point of being desperately hopeless enough to do what I needed to do to stay stopped.

You can do this! Keep trying!

2granddaughters

I strongly suggest you go back to AA and do the things that you admitted in your original post that you have not done.
Not doing those things doesn't seem to be working too well for you .....

All the best.

Bob R

F355

I know exactly what you are going through. Have you read Rational Recovery by Jack Trimpey, by any chance? If not, I highly recommend that you pick up a copy (they can be found for under ten bux on Amazon).

The great thing about this book is that it lays out, in very simple fashion, what steps need to be taken to overcome any kind of addiction, once and for all. And there are far fewer steps than you might think!

I've found that I am much more likely to return to drinking in the first 4 days of sobriety. Has this happened to you as well? I believe it has to do with the chemical addiction and the alcohol still being in your system in that time frame. The first few weeks are critical. But have you noticed how much easier it gets to stay sober once you've gotten past these crucial first milestones? So for me, whenever I have been in the place of needing to quit, I've found that planning a way to avoid alcohol at any cost for several days or the first few weeks is crucial. This might involve changing your daily routine, going on a trip, or visiting friends/family members who don't drink.

In any case, the fact that you are posting here tells me that you are determined to quit, and I know you can.

spryte

Thank you for your replies; I was so glad to read them.

I also talked to my sponsor who thought that I did not have the willingness and trust to really do things differently - to do what was suggested. She suggested that I pray for willingness.

So, I'm going to give that a try.

stepping

Keep trying Spryte!
When you got breath in you there's always room for trying!
You can do this...from one chronic relapser (as lfh said) to another.
You are not alone! Pm any time you need a friend as well. I will be glad to chat!
Shoot, believe me if I can do this YOU can do this!!!

CarolD

Welcome back...

Have you considered seeing a therapist about your issues?

I'm thinking specifically about just a thought...good to see you here again...

RobbyRobot

Hi Spryte,

I've been many times myself, where you are now, feeling hopeless, sad, and pointless, and so, I drank, just like you. In my drinking, I could make better sense of my troubled life. I knew drinking wasn't the best solution, and yet, it seemed, all things considered, to be the best thing to do at the time. How sad.

My mind was absolutely alcoholic in those days, and its not surprising so many of my ideas and decisions brought me back to drinking. The very idea that drinking helped me to do more drinking speaks for itself. Its a never ending cycle -- drinking begets more drinking -- and the only way out of that impossible hopeless state is to stop drinking, of course. Easier said then done, as we all have experienced.

I couldn't see why to quit drinking either, as somehow a better way to make a better life for myself. When I would stop while between drinks for a few days, my life always got worse, not better. The hangovers, the trouble with DT's, the mental obsession for more drink just did not add up to a better life. Even when i sweated it out for almost 30 days, drinking still seemed the best idea going for me. My life was useless and worse. So, without changing, I of course went back to drinking. What a waste.

Changing my thinking, and my actions, towards my drinking, is what turned the corner for me. I began to accept I was gonna die drunk, and no way out for me, except dying drunk. Strange, but you'd of thought my drinking was because I had lost all hope for life, and that's true, but I still, at the time, saw drinking as a way to at least be myself day to day, even though my life was in the toilet. So I still had hope in drinking. Drinking still erased enough of reality to make me oblivious to my dangerous lifestyle.

What I'm now talking about is accepting that even drinking was hopeless, and I would certainly die drunk, someday soon enough, and nothing I could do about it, my being an alcoholic, or not, made no real difference at the time. Its very surreal, surrendering to a certain alcoholic death. When done honestly, life becomes crystal clear and responsible. Choices become more realistic. Things change when alcoholic drinking itself is no longer working its terrible madness. It begins with surrender...

My message to you Spryte, is you don't have to keep drinking just because it dosen't make any sense to quit. Not quitting is just the way alcoholic minds think, and its all just useless head-talk. We begin real changing by starting with our minds first. It's not easy, of course, but surrender to how hopeless a drinking life really truly is, no way out while drinking, no way out without acceptance of the hopelessness of the drinking solution, no way out without quitting drinking.

Surrender was key to my initial changing my alcoholic mind out for sober thinking. I went from a state of years of drunken hopelessness to now many years of happiness living a sober spiritual life. I easily see the point of my not drinking today, and I'm grateful I do. You can too, for yourself, Spryte.

I hope for all that is good for you, and please know, I believe you can turn all this around. Yeah. Really.

Veritas1

One of my past sponsors talked with my yesterday and made amends to me for telling me that I had no willingness.

She said she judged me, and that was not right.

Don't let anyone judge your level of willingness.

Don't let anything keep you from being sober.

Anyone can get well.

You can get well.

spryte

Thanks for all the replies - it felt so good to read them yesterday and today.

I am back at it (sobriety, that is!). Went to a meeting tonight, reading the Big Book before I go to sleep tonight.

I'm trying to simplify - it's not an easy program, they say, but it's a simple one. So, Im going to try to DO these suggested things REGULARLY and even though life continues to be uncomfortable, i'm going to keep going.

I do know that things get better once I get beyond that first week.

And I'm working on surrender. Or thinking about surrender, I should say.

And I do see a therapist. I am actually a very paranoid and anxious person, but I don't like to discuss this with people, as they just try to talk me out of whatever irrational thing I've got on the go - it is frusterating - the problem is NOT the irrational thing, but that I regularly - especially when under stress - create these irrational things. There's always another one coming along! I shoot one down, and a new one takes its place. It is exhausting and unpredictable.

However, when I'm under less stress, it is not such a problem. The roving paranoid anxiety is not such a cloud over me.

Well, it's not tonight anyway. I'm feeling pretty peaceful and contented.

Thank you all again for your replies!!!

davidf938

Most treatment centers define insanity as doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome. Why not try a different program? AA is not for everyone. Good luck to you. P.S. I've been sober for over 3 years after 30 years of daily drinking. How many AA meetings have I gone to? ZERO. I can walk past alcohol without fear and even look ot the prices of my old brands. I have no fear of the bottle. It can only harm me if I choose to let it. Alcohol is am inanimate object! I CAN control what I put into my body. So can you.

keithj

Spryte,

I would just encourage you to do what others in AA have done to get and stay, namely have a spiritual awakening as the result of taking the Steps. The directions for taking the Steps are precisely laid out in the BB. They are to be done in order, one after the other.

Going to meetings, praying, and reading in the BB is not the same thing as a focused progress through the Steps. A sponsor needs to be able to take you through all of the Steps in sequence. If they are not doing that, they are harming you instead of helping you.

Sapling

That worked for me....Then I got busy working on those steps....That changed my life.....That's all I wanted to begin with.

David 1

For me, willpower was not enough. I needed a lot of support, especially the first six months. I have been sober for over 8 years and I still take it ONE DAY AT A TIME!!

I don't care what program you use, just find one that works, after all your life is on the line.

AA meetings were effective in providing support for me early in my recovery. If that's the path you take, I would go darn near every day for the first 60 days or so.

Take care,

Dave

spryte

Hey all, I thought I'd update with some good news...I have over a month now; I've joined a group, I'm asking for help and calling people when I feel like drinking and I'm reaching out to my HP - it's giving me peace.

Mental obsession has subsided a lot, I'm going through the Big Book with my sponsor.

I feel ANCHORED; I'm actually DOING things differently, and things are going well.

Thanks for your support

CarolD

Forwardd is always the correct direction....I'm so pleased for you!

instant

It is great you are making progress. There is away forward sometimes we lose our way or forget what we have learned.

Dee74

Thats fantastic news Spryte!

D

Threshold

Spryte, I am so happy for you. And so grateful you are checking in and letting us know how it's going!

Doing it, is the only way. Thinking, planning, etc etc are all fine, but until we DO it...nothing really changes.

I hope you'll continue to share your recovery with the rest of the SR community!