EricL

What a load of s***. You're not the first person to have a relationship fall apart while sober, and not everyone has gotten drunk after that.... so yeah, not "a good reason to drink". Stop lying to yourself.

External circumstances don't lead us to drink. We drink because we don't know how to live sober, don't know how NOT to drink. If all we needed to do was find the right relationship, right job, right city, right car, right clothes, etc. Then we would have done so looooooong ago.

Either we are done for good, we surrender, admit that alcohol has won and the we can fight no more, or we don't. If you're done fighting, if you can concede that you have lost the power over alcohol, then we have a solution for you. Plenty of people "want" sobriety, or "need" sobriety, and that's great. But, are you willing to be teachable, willing to follow seemingly radical suggestions from someone who has been in the same place as you?

I hope so, I hope that this is where it ends for you. Your posts are often filled with a pain and misery I know too well. But, I also know how beautiful it is to finally say "f*** it, I'm done, I'll do anything not to live this life, not to die this way" It's truly a freeing experience.

There is a way to live life truly free from this obsession, this pain, there are plenty of people on here who are willing to show you how. And, I imagine there are plenty of people near you who are willing to meet with you to share this as well. Either you're willing to accept their help or you're not.

tomsteve

if you want to drink, thats your choice. if you dont want to drink, then we will help.

soooo...do you want help to not drink or do you want to drink?

i hope it is the second part.

laurie6781

Many of your posts show how NOT interested you are. Go back and read your thread about getting involved with this girl to begin with.

You totally IGNORED the STRONGLY SUGGESTED ADVICE TO NOT GET INVOLVED to do YOUR STEP WORK FIRST. Now you want to use her having some 'sense' as an EXCUSE to drink.

You go to meetings and then post judgments about others, not what you heard that would help you stay sober, you're more concerned because someone didn't put money
in the basket.

Just, you have been trying YOUR WAY since you started posting on SR. probably a lot longer but I can only go by what you have posted here.

Have you worked the steps yet? Have you even started step work yet?

There are 3 'UPs for an Alcoholic

Sobered UP

Locked UP

or

Covered UP

Which UP is it going to be for you?

If you have not picked up yet, I would suggest you sit down with pencil and paper and get HONEST with you. Do a PRO/CON list on what is good and what is bad about booze FOR YOU. That should help you, hopefully to either get serious about sobriety or go drink some. It may also help the denial you are still in.

I truly hope and pray you choose sobriety and then put your nose to the grindstone and WORK FOR IT.

Love and hugs,

rr423

Man you can choose to drink whether you are happy or sad, Don't use something bad that happened as an excuse to go on a bender, you are only fooling yourself.

Peter G

You seem to be completely in love with your own misery, Just. Could be that's why this girl doesn't want to see you anymore? Jealousy perhaps. Maybe she got tired of playing second fiddle.

It's pretty simple mate, put on some big boy pants and come join the club of most of us... or not. But that fence you keep sitting on is uncomfortable and rickety. Really not much use complaining that you have splinters in your butt, when you're the one perpetually choosing to sit there admiring the view on both sides.

Life will always be life. Folks leave us or love us. Jobs come and they go. People are good or bad. Nothing new under the sun. The only constant in all of these variables is that you're options are always the same either way... a) drink over it, or b) don't drink over it. Pick one, and wait for the consequences. Inevitability and all that. One thing you HAVE to know by now is that in choosing b, the outcome and end result will never be different. Only question now is, are you prepared to risk your own inevitable end result in order to feel numb for a few hours? Is it worth it to you? At some point you really have to answer that question once and for all. Just sayin'.

If you want to stop drinking, buck the f*** up and do the work. Stop dancing around the pool whining about the temperature of the water. Jump in or not, for the love of God man. Do you want learn how to swim? If you don't, good luck with that whole 'inevitability' thing.

castlefan

Hi JustFor1 - I'm new to this - only a little over a week sober, but I can relate to feeling a bender/relapse coming on. A few days ago I was so sure I was going to drink, it felt like I didn't even have a choice in the matter. What I did was I literally sat down and scheduled the next 2 days activities - down to the hour - so I always had something to do that didn't involve drinking- and I made sure I hit the gym at night so I was tired in the evening. The feeling of relapsing has passed thankfully. I didn't feel like keeping the schedule, or even making it, but I just made myself do it and I've avoided relapsing so far. Just a thought I am hoping might help you.

ForLP

Sigh...
We cannot help anybody, unless he/she truely wants the help.

Let go, let God.

Justfor1

Made it to two AA meetings today. One was located near the GayPride parade & I could smell the booze off people. If I drink I will not be able to reach my goal this Fall. I plan on driving a taxi part time. I have to wait a few months until I get my "real license". But I will be considered a safe driver with no tickets or DUI's the past 10 yrs. I know if I drink I will eventually get another DUI.

Justfor1

Thanks lfh. I agree lots of "tough love" here . The thing is though that I have never responded to that kind of approach in a 10+yrs of trying to get sober. I know some people do though. I hit bottom many times & know that I will always be able to "use the system" to get back on my feet. Sometimes I think our government is a enabler. I hate myself & my life now but I do know that I would not be alive today if I was dumb.

tomsteve

I hit bottom many times

nope. bottoms death. cant get any lower than that. ya just stepped off the elevator for a bit, then got back on.

just gotta get rid of that monster ego and pride. nothing works better to get rid of them that a big piece of humble pie.


we wont love ya to death, but we will love ya to life.

glad to see ya hit a few meetings. do it again tomorrow.

sun999

Hi there. I've been a "lurker" for a couple of weeks and figured now is a good enough time to join in the conversation. I've gotten a lot of help just from reading this board, thanks everyone. But today I'm confused/disturbed by some of the remarks on this thread.

You were right, Justfor1. Some of your responses were harsh, and personally I didn't see anything loving about them. You're hurt because someone left you and you want to drink to numb the pain. That doesn't mean that you're too selfish, or not willing to quit, or deserve to be talked down to.
Having negative feelings is human. Why so much guilt-inducing??

My last AA meeting was with a group of women with robotic smiles and comments about what terrible people they were because they were self pitying (another term for "sad"), bitter (their term for "angry") and I felt like I was with the Stepford Wives who were not allowed to have human emotions. I found that I'm less likely to drink if I ACCEPT my negative feelings, but don't wallow too much. No wonder you feel bad about yourself. The whole program makes people feel bad about themselves, at least from what I can see.
Best of luck to you..If AA doesn't work, something else will if you continue to reach out.

Peter G

First off, welcome to the forums.

Secondly, when you see a piece of ice poking through waves on the ocean, always remember there may well be a glacier underneath. What you have read in this thread is, by and large, the overlapping concerns of many of us who are all too familiar with Just41 and his many trials and tribulations. Plainly, the story doesn't begin with this thread, not by a long shot.

Of course only speaking for myself, I rarely enter into a conversation started unless I know some history behind the poster, or if I see something sticking out as obviously flawed and potentially dangerous to the OP. That might be something to keep in mind, being new here. I'd add that there are occasions when people with experience, people who have found lasting sobriety, well, we can see through an obvious 'set up' because we've tried them ourselves many times. Calling a spade a spade might not seem like a warm and fuzzy thing to do, but none-the-less, oft times it's required even at the expense of niceties and egos.

Bottom line is that J41 has some, shall we say, repetitive issues that a few here have been concerned with for a long time. At varying points they have all offered their time and all manners of solid advice, delivered in many different tones, only to see it fall away to his persistent logical fallacies, his ego, and his refusals to let go of this whole 'stinking thinking' stuff. (Sorry J41, but I call 'em like I see 'em). The frustrations and "tough" love you're reading are perhaps all that some have left to try and offer him, knowing that history has proven he also doesn't "respond well" to niceties, gracious advice, related experiences, or really, much else.

So yeah, I'd say it's love you read in this thread, looking below the surface. Most of us have a deep seated and genuine care and concern for fellow alcoholics. Even more-so when regular posters like J41 ignore solid advice continually, only to come back later complaining about damage that could have been avoided. The subject matter of the OP is a perfect example of that actually.

Not trying to end this thought with some profoundly sappy catch phrase or deep thought, but seriously... love isn't always kind, nor can it be. Of any group of like-minded people on this planet, us alcoholics need to figure that one out.

EricL

I agree with Peter, everything I share is out of love. "Love and tolerance is our code", however, sometimes love means not pussyfooting around someones BS, not letting themselves wallow in self pity and lies. Sometimes that love means sharing a message with them that saved my life and hopefully will save theirs.

Sometimes love means not coddling somebody, but actually giving them a way out. People get hurt, luckily I have been given a way to deal with it.

RobbyRobot

Interesting thread.

'Tough love' is a unique means of communication, which is always poorly imitated or otherwise attempted on any message board, including SR. Actual tough love is nothing like what is happening in this thread. Real tough love requires a f2f moment-by-moment inter-action between players. As well, it will have already been agreed to by all parties, that certain boundaries will be crossed, certain rights and personal experiences be waived, and outcomes will be specifically tailored and designed.

I've practiced 'tough love', and had it practiced on me, too. This thread is far from an example of 'tough love', okay?

Interestingly, I wonder how many of the posters have actually experienced tough love in f2f action?

So for me, this thread is more about posters being simply honestly frustrated and its coming thru loud n' clear in their shares... which, for the way things are, is what it is, of course.

Is this helpful? Well, it certainly can be, when shared with a good deal of honesty, and humility, and when the poster is speaking from the heart, from their own life experiences. No one wants to see JF1 die drunk.

Is this so-called 'tough love' working on JF1, in a positive way, to help him stop drinking?

I doubt it is, imo. As well, JF1 seems to think it dosen't work on him either. I for one, and hopefully some others, believe him.

I've drank like JF1. Speaking for myself, and nothing against the posters, you know, but I kinda think, JF1 already knows what he is being told... although I'm sure the posters feel honest about what they are sharing nonetheless, and perhaps it helps them to get it off their minds by sharing their frustrations.

When i speak to JF1, I really try to remember I'm speaking with an experienced, chronic, street-wise savvy alcoholic, who knows more about himself then I do about him. I really try not to generalize, and not simply class him as another generic alcoholic. But, that's me. And some others, too....

Jf1, you are doing great to not have drank already, and so you already know what is what. A little more positive shares of what is going well with you would be appreciated too. Since you're not drinking, something is working for you, that is clear, yeah? Why not share more of that? Less drama, and more real life responsibility would be ideal, yeah?

saraylah

You are not a failure if you TRY. And besides that IF YOU do try at least you tried, the ATTEMPT to not drink is what failed. I myself lived at the Star of Hope womens shelter because of my addiction to crack- And I can honestly say that the only way I got out of there was because I tried to do whatever I had to do to get a job, stay sober and I did all of that within 2 .5 months....And I felt like sad , and alone and like a failure because I lost the best job I ever had, my new car, my home. But hey here I am 4 years later, still striving to do better and going to school to get a better job, and staying clean and sober. It gets hard at times but well Hard Times molded me into the fighter that I am today. I know how to make 5 dollars last a week and I am not complaining. There are some who can't hold on to Five $ for five seconds. My point is yeah its ok to be sad, but there comes a time when You got to PICK YOURSELF up and stop weighing yourself down with all the wallowing and self pitty. Cause you are only hurting yourself by doing this. You can do it. You just got to find it within you first. And its like pushing a heavy ball up a hill, its hard work but you get used to it. You want to stop at times but when youre THAT close to your goal and you look back and see how far you have come there is no way that you'll want to go backwards or stop pushing yourself. Good luck to you. And you can enjoy your life you just have to seek out the good things. Theres alot of bad things in the world to keep you from finding your happiness. Have you evre seen the Labrynth with David Bowie. The girl is looking for her baby brother and there are all sorts of distractions and then theres the tainted peach she ate that made her forget what she was looking for....well thats just like what we go through when we are looking for ourselves and our sobriety. Sometimes we get distracted or forget what its all about, but at some point we snap and remember hey we have come to far to go back now. I wish you the best looking for your sobriety and I hope that you don't give up.Hugs to you.

NYCDoglvr

It helped me to say this mantra: "feelings aren't facts" Even though you have this skewered belief about yourself doesn't mean it's true. It HURTS to loose someone we love so cry. But giving up sobriety is just insane. It comes down to making a choice.

indakut

I want you to know you are not alone and during this time you need to go to meetings, pray, involve yourself with some projects that you have negated to do(organizing, planning, exercising) that will get your mind off of this stuff.

To answer your questions, you know if you want sobriety if you are sick and tired of being sick and tired of drinking. You will know if you want sobriety if you are truly sick of living the way an alcoholic does.

I had an alcoholic father who my mom left when I was 5 because of his alcoholism. They got back together when I was 10 so they could have more kids but he was still drinking. The marriage was a steaming hot buttered mess but they continued on with the farce. I started drinking and smoking weed in Jr. High School. I drank or smoked weed most days from the time I was 16 until
20. Then when I was 21, I started drinking anHd smoking weed everyday. I continued the pattern for over 20 years.
There are A LOT of things that could and make me think of drinking ( being a single mother, an ex husband who has very rarely sees his child, job issues, money issues, house issues, family issues, parenting issues, dating issues and a HOST of other things! My life might suck and be very LAME now but I REFUSE TO GO BACK TO MY DRINKING LIFE!!!!!!!!! So I do what everyone who is normal(sober) does (which is lame) and just try to focus on something else or take a nap or do something other than drink. I have been sober for almost 15 months. Those 15 months weren't a cake walk either. But you have to be determined to do it and just PUSH YOUR WAY THROUGH!

My life might be lame now because I am no longer partying but I like it so much better than that pitiful drinking life.
I hope you do whatever you have to do to stay sober and make up in your mind that you are going to stay that way. :ghug3

CarolD

Please do share from your own experiences ....SR works best that way.

Before posting remember....
If you have no expereince...replying is not required
Perhaps something others have shared will give you a nudge..

Justfor1

Going to my homegroup AA meeting tonight. I'm going to be honest about my slip a month ago that awaken the monster. Going to ask a guy to be my sponser because my old one moved away months ago. I have so much shame from being an alcoholic/addict. I am so embarrassed & ashamed of living 10yrs of my life as a alcoholic. Robbyrobot, thank you for your post. Thanks everyone for the posts. While some were of no use to me I do realize that most people have good intentions for me. Sometimes, I feel like my life is a trainwreck. I know the train is going to crash yet I can't stop it. I just have prepare for the impact. It's horrible.

CarolD

Just1..
Excellent plans....wishing you lasting sobreity with this new start..