MalkavianEmily

I know I've posted about this in other threads on here, and I'm grateful for all the support and advice I've got.
Like I said, I've been really... irritable. Tense. Twitchy. And it's been eating away at my resolve. Being here, going to AA, that helps a lot. Being accountable to other people is one of the things that keeps me from drinking.

On the other hand, knowing that drinking isn't worth it. That it'll make me feel good for a short time, and then worse. That I'm not sure when I'll stop if I start again. That I'll have to go through the first few days again, with all that involves... I forget these things at times.

I tell myself that things will get better. I tell myself that I need to learn patience (Hope that doesn't take too long ) I tell myself that one day I'll look back on this and laugh.

Part of it is that I'm struggling with acceptance, I think. That I'm a slow learner. The last time I slipped up it started on the Friday at 3pm. My fiance said he'd never seen me move as quick as when he opened a can of beer in the kitchen (I was in the living room). It ended on Monday morning, having had three days of blackouts.
On the Sunday he'd said not to drink because I had to get dinner ready. I replied that it wouldn't be a problem. I'm assuming it wasn't. But I have no memory of actually chopping the vegetables. Or eating the meal. Just like I have no memory of cooking burgers on the Friday. Or making apple pies later on the Sunday.
I'd been telling myself that I drank because I was lonely. Or depressed. Or stressed. Or Angry. And I was wrong. I thought I'd be able to control it if I was with him. And I was wrong.

I needed to say that. Seeing it on the screen makes it harder to tell myself "No, wait... that doesn't count." What would count, I don't know.

CarolD

What really counts is that you remain on your sober journey.
It takes time to get adjusted to the new you.

Prayers for peace and clarity coming your way...