An Outcast at Life's Feast
Grievous Angel
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: The Old Line State
Posts: 53
An Outcast at Life's Feast
I could not have gone. I know that. But I was surprised at the harsh bite of rejection.
Despite the dissolute life I've led and my straitened circumstance, you'd be never guess my age. I could pass for 40's, even late 30's. But not twenty-something, which is how old my coworkers are.
I managed to get a short term gig writing and editing proposals. It's me and about 20 kids: some of them have finished school and live at home, for some it's a stop before grad school. None of them look like they need the money.
The informal ringleader, Captain Awesome, circles the office rounding up takers for $1 beer at the bar next door. He's sweet on The Bavarian Princess, and she knows it. She catches his eye, preens a bit. They make a nice couple, and soon they have a retinue, and off they go.
The room is oddly quiet now that they've gone. It's just me and a brilliant but very heavy Asian girl left. They didn't exactly reject us, but they didn't stop at either of our desks. I feel for her, she's their age, and should have been asked.
There is no way to walk to the bus without passing them; it's an outside bar, and in the 20 seconds and forty steps it takes to pass them I inhale everything: the bright laughter, cigarettes, I can even smell the crisp hoppiness of the beer.
I feel the glances, the banter, the flirty whispers.
I know I could not have stopped at one beer. I know how this would have ended for me. I have been working steadily since Tuesday, and have not slipped once. It's challenge enough just leaving at 5:00; there's an informal Happy Hour every night, and I steel myself away from the free beer and Sangria that each evening brings.
So I turn my steps away from the bright lights and into the hot night. Perhaps I will walk home. It's a long walk, maybe two hours, but I will be too tired to think much, and should be able to fall asleep easily.
-GA
Despite the dissolute life I've led and my straitened circumstance, you'd be never guess my age. I could pass for 40's, even late 30's. But not twenty-something, which is how old my coworkers are.
I managed to get a short term gig writing and editing proposals. It's me and about 20 kids: some of them have finished school and live at home, for some it's a stop before grad school. None of them look like they need the money.
The informal ringleader, Captain Awesome, circles the office rounding up takers for $1 beer at the bar next door. He's sweet on The Bavarian Princess, and she knows it. She catches his eye, preens a bit. They make a nice couple, and soon they have a retinue, and off they go.
The room is oddly quiet now that they've gone. It's just me and a brilliant but very heavy Asian girl left. They didn't exactly reject us, but they didn't stop at either of our desks. I feel for her, she's their age, and should have been asked.
There is no way to walk to the bus without passing them; it's an outside bar, and in the 20 seconds and forty steps it takes to pass them I inhale everything: the bright laughter, cigarettes, I can even smell the crisp hoppiness of the beer.
I feel the glances, the banter, the flirty whispers.
I know I could not have stopped at one beer. I know how this would have ended for me. I have been working steadily since Tuesday, and have not slipped once. It's challenge enough just leaving at 5:00; there's an informal Happy Hour every night, and I steel myself away from the free beer and Sangria that each evening brings.
So I turn my steps away from the bright lights and into the hot night. Perhaps I will walk home. It's a long walk, maybe two hours, but I will be too tired to think much, and should be able to fall asleep easily.
-GA
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,415
Hanging out with workmates in a bar held very little appeal for me even when I was drinking - it was never a feast to me, to be honest...always reminded me more of a feeding frenzy... 
Whatever you do, I hope you enjoy your night GA
D
Whatever you do, I hope you enjoy your night GA
D
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 328
I feel for you, feeling left out always sucks, even if you don't particularly like the people in question (doesn't sound like you do) or the plans they're making.
Don't read much into it, especially if the age difference is big. They probably just thought it would be a little awkward to have you hang with them.
This, however, stinks a little. Especially since I gather you all know each other and work together in one big office.
I have sometimes left people out even if they were in the room when we were planning things, but they were always either complete strangers or people with whom it was out in the open that I didn't like them.
Pardon the language, but from everything you've written, your co-workers sound a bit like douches.
Don't read much into it, especially if the age difference is big. They probably just thought it would be a little awkward to have you hang with them.
Originally Posted by GrieviousAngel
The room is oddly quiet now that they've gone. It's just me and a brilliant but very heavy Asian girl left. They didn't exactly reject us, but they didn't stop at either of our desks. I feel for her, she's their age, and should have been asked.
I have sometimes left people out even if they were in the room when we were planning things, but they were always either complete strangers or people with whom it was out in the open that I didn't like them.
Pardon the language, but from everything you've written, your co-workers sound a bit like douches.
Gone In
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 223
I'm always amused at how we feel like we are missing out in early recovery. I used to feel so frustrated about it. Now I feel like I have a much clearer perspective on how much I missed out by being drunk and out of it most of the time.
I find myself mostly annoyed hanging out with 20 somethings, especially when they're drinking, though I can realte to the bite of rejection when you've been planning your polite decline to an invitation you don't get.
I find myself mostly annoyed hanging out with 20 somethings, especially when they're drinking, though I can realte to the bite of rejection when you've been planning your polite decline to an invitation you don't get.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: northeast
Posts: 142
I hope that walk went well. its amazing sometimes to tap into our minds by doing something different. sort of like when we tried that first drink. imagine if long walks could hook you in the same way. I believe that they can. best wishes
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 248
A walk is always just the thing I need to clear my head - I hope it did for you.
And I know exactly what you mean about being left out. That always happens to me at my work too, probably because as a single parent of three I can never afford the babysitter to go anywhere...
But it was probably a blessing that you were left out this time. It cast a rather ugly light on the bar scene for you.
And I know exactly what you mean about being left out. That always happens to me at my work too, probably because as a single parent of three I can never afford the babysitter to go anywhere...
But it was probably a blessing that you were left out this time. It cast a rather ugly light on the bar scene for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: London, England
Posts: 724
I used to love going for a drink after work. Looking back, I'm not sure if it was the company of my coworkers I enjoyed, or the beer. Now...
I'm heading off to university in September. I'm told I don't look my age - It's been a while since I was 20 something - and people have guessed at anything from 22 to 30. I don't know if they're being polite or not. I certainly don't act my age. Wouldn't know how to. Whether I'll be 'part of the crowd' or not, I don't know. Part of me thinks I won't be wanted, regardless of how old I look, I don't drink after all, and for students... And part of me is a bit... upset about that, after all, I don't want to be separated from the people on my course. Another part... is less bothered because it would become an excuse to drink. I can see that.
And, in some ways, I like the company of... actually, I like the company of people who like the same things I do. RPGs, anime, (old) computer games, SciFi. Which just reminded me that I've not been to an anime convention where I didn't drink. I'm a geek, and most geeks are younger than me. Oh well... whatever never mind.
What was my point? Apart from I find that I've not been invited to parties where everyone else I know (including people older than I am) was, and yes, being left out is a horrible feeling. I'm almost used to it though. Besides, parties are just an excuse to drink for me...
I'm heading off to university in September. I'm told I don't look my age - It's been a while since I was 20 something - and people have guessed at anything from 22 to 30. I don't know if they're being polite or not. I certainly don't act my age. Wouldn't know how to. Whether I'll be 'part of the crowd' or not, I don't know. Part of me thinks I won't be wanted, regardless of how old I look, I don't drink after all, and for students... And part of me is a bit... upset about that, after all, I don't want to be separated from the people on my course. Another part... is less bothered because it would become an excuse to drink. I can see that.
And, in some ways, I like the company of... actually, I like the company of people who like the same things I do. RPGs, anime, (old) computer games, SciFi. Which just reminded me that I've not been to an anime convention where I didn't drink. I'm a geek, and most geeks are younger than me. Oh well... whatever never mind.
What was my point? Apart from I find that I've not been invited to parties where everyone else I know (including people older than I am) was, and yes, being left out is a horrible feeling. I'm almost used to it though. Besides, parties are just an excuse to drink for me...
Grievous Angel
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: The Old Line State
Posts: 53
I like them, even though they are half my age. They may not even have thought to ask, it's a very informal group; I have only been there a few days.
I know I miss the bar scene. For years, it was my natural habitat. I am a social animal; I love holding forth, drink in hand. But it's over.
Now I'm living a solitary life. I don't really see my old friends, and when I do it's often a train wreck. I did go to an informal reunion of high schools friends. One of my dearest friends was staggeringly drunk. Amazing he lived through the evening.
And I had several beers. I can, and do, pace myself. Sometimes. Not all the time. it's taken me a long time to realize this does not mean I can drink like normal people. It means I don't always get drunk when I drink. But sometimes I go way overboard. Now I chose not to. Or am trying.
I learn this lesson over and over. Sometimes it sticks for years. Sometimes a week.
-GA
I know I miss the bar scene. For years, it was my natural habitat. I am a social animal; I love holding forth, drink in hand. But it's over.
Now I'm living a solitary life. I don't really see my old friends, and when I do it's often a train wreck. I did go to an informal reunion of high schools friends. One of my dearest friends was staggeringly drunk. Amazing he lived through the evening.
And I had several beers. I can, and do, pace myself. Sometimes. Not all the time. it's taken me a long time to realize this does not mean I can drink like normal people. It means I don't always get drunk when I drink. But sometimes I go way overboard. Now I chose not to. Or am trying.
I learn this lesson over and over. Sometimes it sticks for years. Sometimes a week.
-GA
Encourager In Training
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: KS
Posts: 717
Do you suppose, GA, the nightly bar scene might well be your past repeating itself and becoming one or more of these unknowing soul's future? In such a light, the scene is more tragic than jovial.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Hi GA...
I too am very social. I go out all the time...as me! Not as some convoluted chemically enhanced version of myself.
Life's feast has zero to do with alcohol.
BTW, your writing is absolutely beautiful to read. That's a gift that not many have. Looks like you actually have a pretty bountiful feast after all huh?
I too am very social. I go out all the time...as me! Not as some convoluted chemically enhanced version of myself.
Life's feast has zero to do with alcohol.
BTW, your writing is absolutely beautiful to read. That's a gift that not many have. Looks like you actually have a pretty bountiful feast after all huh?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
Just wave at them and say "have a good time" smile and walk on.
The last law firm I worked at, every single day there was some kind of a drinking event. I made a fool of myself many a times attending those and of course got drunk up the kazooo, since I can't stop at just one, than decided to just quit going to any and all. I don't care what they think, I work there for the money, not to socialize.
The last law firm I worked at, every single day there was some kind of a drinking event. I made a fool of myself many a times attending those and of course got drunk up the kazooo, since I can't stop at just one, than decided to just quit going to any and all. I don't care what they think, I work there for the money, not to socialize.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 513
Skipping drinks with immature 20 somethings with big egos does not make you at outcast at life's feast, if that's what you're implying! Being an active alcoholic who keeps drinking in spite of losing so much makes you one. Congrats on the job and the good decision. Your decision not to drink is something to feel really good about.
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