FaithfulQuest

Hi! Just wanted to introduce myself I've been a habitual drinker for 7 years now. The amount, the type, and frequency of alcohol has progressively gotten worse in that amount of time although the desire to quit, control, cut back, take a break from the stuff has haunted me for about 3. I'm considered a super fit healthy person among my peers and as long as I could perform well, stayed relatively lean, and ate clean a majority of the time, I refused to give alcohol up for good. I would take a break, not see any results in the mirror, and go back to what was comfortable. I'd take a break, feel all angsty with chest tightness and say Screw It, I'm making just one drink which of course turns into much more.

My husband is dealing with his own addiction with Ativan. When he wasn't taking, he was drinking. We didn't see anything wrong with it since it was viewed as our way of taking away the angst or stress of the day. He became dependent when he experienced a panic attack 4 years ago. He thought he was having a heart attack and the ER gave him Ativan. He'd take it, wean off...and then months down the road it would happen again and he knew what worked so he'd accept the Rx. He's had enough and is ready to free himself from his addiction as well.

It was in his research, he approached me and for the first time ever, I was able to see what the alcohol is doing to me on a physiological level and why I can't just "cut back" as my body will fall back into the pattern I'm fighting to control. He suggested I start reading forums, not just articles. I'm a message board nut so I found this place and immediate comfort. I knew I had to join after just a few days of reading. I've ordered the books Under and Beyond the Influence the other day. The first will arrive tomorrow and the second on Friday.

I'm feeling a mix of emotions as the road that's led me here started with my joining a church that led me to a Women's Small Group where we read "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World." That book inspired me to *want* to give up the alcohol for good but since that was back in March, I obviously didn't know the way. I'd pray pray and pray and when I listened, I noticed little things like the alcohol not having the same taste appeal to me, my tension migraines getting worse, etc. I knew my time with the stuff was coming to a close but I just wanted to know how to make that leap and know it was going to be it. Having my husband see his own counselor (I see one too for different reasons and I think I'd have to do too much convincing that I have an alcohol problem for me to feel comfortable opening that can of worms with her) has helped open up our lines of communication especially dealing with this. I plan on going with him to his appt one of these weeks.

What's funny is that neither of us hit that rock bottom you hear about thank God!!! We've been married for 11 years, He has a great job, we have 2 great kids, I have a degree in Sports Medicine but chose to be a SAHM where he understands my love of fitness and the challenge of pushing myself physically and mentally in the gym. I just need to learn to channel that drive into this challenge of a different kind. Pretty much, the only outward sign that it's gone too far is the money we've spend on the pills and alcohol!!! I have an amazing support through my husband and my newfound faith but since I tend to obsess and overthink, any extra reading, tips, hints, stories of success I can read will only help.

Thanks for reading this novel of an introduction!!!

FaithfulQuest

In that whole thing, I wanted to add where I started and where I ended up:

I went from drinking wine every now and then, to every night and then too much so I switched to Vodka. I went from drinking one ounce of vodka a night to a bottle in two days over this past weekend. I feel tons of guilt, shame, and angst over what I've done to myself over these years. I've been on antidepressants, anti anxiety meds, and honestly nothing but alcohol is what calmed me down. Well that should've been my first hint that something was wrong but I just depended on it even more as it was the only thing that calmed me down. Hello irony!

I've told drs that I drink nightly during visits and they'd say "That can be dangerous, you really need to stop" which wasn't enough to make me stop. I had one dr tell me I may just be a naturally high strung person...thanks.

I'm really hoping for a decrease in the tension, angst, and agitation that's plagued me for years that resulted in me seeking the alcohol and then the meds. The result is an agitated, anxious person that is 100 times worse than the person I started out trying to relieve.

sugarbear1

Welcome to SR!

winslynn

There is no drug that works as well as alcohol in treating alcoholism.There is no magic pill that is going to control or cure your alcoholism.
You can't beat this all by yourself.....it may take years for you to realize this.You can go to meetings of AA now,or wait until things get worse,as they will.Over any length of time we get progressively worse never better.
Good Luck to you.

CarolD

Welcome ...

"Under The Influence" was the book that convinced me to quit...in'89.
While not everything applied to me..it certainly explained why I kept
drinking tho depression was daily and I really wanted to stop

I was not your sterotype of an active alcoholic...outside everthing appeared to be danceing along...mentally I was a sodden satuated mess. A bery dark time...the last 5 years I drank.

I took that info...re connected to God and AA...started my AA Steps
and went from often shakey sobriety into solid recovery.

It remains an adventure in living sober with purpose and joy...

Blessings to the 4 of you...all my best as you move into a sober future.

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR!!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR.

It may increase in early recovery. The anxiety that accompanies the withdrawals can be severe and is often the reason alcoholics fail at quitting.

You may have two issues to deal with, the drinking, which SR can help with, and your mental state that you say drinking relieves. I'm sure there are professionals who can help you there as well.

Glad you are here trying to deal with your drinking. In my opinion, full-blown alcoholism is 100 times worse than just about anything you think you are fixing by drinking.

tara8888

That describes me exactly. Great post, thanks for sharing, and welcome.

Also i wanted to say that I know what it's like to be both fit, healthy, a clean eater who pays attention to what they put into their body... and an alcoholic. Sometimes I just don't know why I would get so wrapped up in eating only whole vegan foods some days and then finish the evening off with a bottle of wine.

Hevyn

Welcome to the family, faithful. I hope you'll find the hope and encourgement here that I did. These people helped me stop a lifelong drinking habit. I never dreamed it was possible. We're happy to be part of your journey.

MalkavianEmily

At the risk of adding a 'me too' type post. I was on antidepressants for... about 9 years I think. Maybe a little longer. They gave me a wholebuncha different SSRIs and, I think, they tried a couple of others.
I remember joking to my mum how alcohol actually worked and improved things when none of those did, and how it was a pity I couldn't get it on prescription. It doesn't sound so funny now.
And yes, these last couple of weeks my moods have been all over the place. The stressed out, on edge, tense as anything, snappy person I've been over the last few days has been quite unbearable. I'm almost wondering if it's worth it.
Almost. Because... well, I'm going to need to be sober when I go back to university. And that's important to me. And no matter how much it hurts right now, what matters is staying sober. So I'm not going to give in. And when things get better, I'll look back on this and laugh.

FaithfulQuest

Thank you I can relate to so much here. It sucks that someone else knows the pain but comforting at the same time that you're not alone. I'm so glad I found this forum. My books came today and I'm going to start reading ASAP.

FaithfulQuest

I've been seeing someone about my inability to relax and be in the moment. My parents divorced last year and I finally stopped putting of therapy and found a lady that's helped a tremendous amount. The topic of alcohol comes up but not enough for her to pick up on.

I'm on Celexa right now and I remember telling my husband a few months ago that I do feel like it's helping my racing mind but physically, the symptoms of anxiety are still there no matter what we talk about or what medication I'm on. It's all making sense to me know why the physical symptoms are still there which is making me progressively worse in the anxiety department. Knowing what's causing my discomfort that makes me ignore my intent to quit the alcohol is the difference between now and the other times. The other times, I felt like I was just high strung, crazy, ADD, etc. Now I know it's a result of what I've done to my body over the years.

I love what you said as your last sentence. I want to commit it memory

FaithfulQuest

I know right???!!! I'm actually looking foward to NOT being so strict with my foods. This has been the missing piece...the knowledge, the realizing, the light bulb moment if you will. I've told myself for YEARS if I could just get this under control I'd be set. It's sad what I've tried to do to justify my drinks and control how much I drank.

FaithfulQuest

I love "Me too" posts...keeps the conversation going I have a Me-Too as well. My husband was telling me after one cycle of meds that he didn't see a difference in my moods. He said, the only that works for you is Mr. Smirnoff. We laughed too and I used that as a justification as in, "Well it's the only thing that works so what else am I supposed to do?" Not realizing the feelings I was feeling were the withdrawl from the very thing I used as my lifeline. And knowing that withdrawl can hit me when I think I'm well past this difficult stage is major as well. It's liberating to know I won't go back to it where in the past, I viewed it as a break and it would freak me out that the decision was going to discretionary instead of 100%.

Veritas1

Welcome. Hope you find ideas to help you here.

I can share my experience with drinking and reading the book Under The Influence.

I can share that reading that book did not stop me from drinking.

I found that I learned about how alcohol was processed in the body, etc., but it did not stop me from drinking.

There is a term in AA that is of the idea:

Self knowledge will not get or keep us sober.

I will find the exact quote and share it later on.

Knowledge is good. Learning is good.

But if you are an alcoholic like me that has tried to stop drinking countless times and found that you couldn't...stay away from the drinking....then you may need some additional help.

I have found encouragement from women in AA. They have taught me so much. I also have learned much from the SR members here that have helped me along the way.

You talked also about not hitting bottom.

It is my understanding that "the bottom" is the point in which you realize you are drinking too much and ask God for help.

That's what the bottom is...

the point that you turn to God.

The point when everyone turns to God is the same. It's not the circumstances of what is going on for you in your life at the time you happen to have this realization and turn to God.

It's the turning to God.

God sends you to SR, or AA, or a counselor, or a person...He directs you at that point.

People have different opinions on "the bottom" I am sure...but I heard an AA speaker say we are all the same.

There is no unity in being different.

I lost this, but didn't lose that. I am not that bad....etc.

We all drank too much, and if we have one drink...we will be looking for the next one.


Welcome!

freshstart57

For me, the vodka worked on the depression and anxiety until it didn't. After quitting, I realized that the alcohol was the main source of my depression and anxiety. Without it, I stopped feeling like I was trying to breathe underwater, that I was stuck in molasses. The best lift I had through this whole ordeal was the pure joy of achievement of quitting and the excitement of my senses once again.

FaithfulQuest

Veritas1, thank you!!! I'm wondering if AA is something that is necessary for everyone who is going to be successful? The part where you said rock bottom is where you turn to God for help is noteworthy to me. Yeah, your right, it's when I realized I was drinking too much and it is/was taking me away from who I'm supposed to be.

I was thinking today, "I can't remember the last time I drank socially." I've been very social by myself apparently, but haven't done a "Mom's Night Out" in a few years and other get togethers have been few and far between over the last year. When we did have them, it was embarrassing how much I did drink to get the same buzz the other ladies took 1 glass to reach.

Also, this is where my google search led me when I was looking for info and I didn't even realize there were other sub folders such as "Newcomers" which is where this should have gone

Veritas1

I am not sure if AA is necessary for everyone.

I believe it is necessary for me.

I don't believe I would be sober without the AA program.

I have read of members here that have recovered without AA.

Based on people that have victory without AA...it seems AA is not necessary for everyone.

Will it help you?

Only you can find out.

Here is the quote I was writing about earlier:

"Some of you are thinking: “Yes, what you tell is true, but it doesn’t fully apply. We admit we have some of these symptoms, but we have not gone to the extremes you fellows did, nor are we likely to, for we understand ourselves so well after what you have told us that such things cannot happen again. We have not lost everything in life through drinking and we certainly do not intend to. Thanks for the information.”

That may be true of certain nonalcoholic people who, though drinking foolishly and heavily at the present time, are able to stop or moderate, because their brains and bodies have not been damaged as ours were. But the actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly any exception, will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge. This is a point we wish to emphasize and re-emphasize, to smash home upon our alcoholic readers as it has been revealed to us out of bitter experience."

More About Alcoholism, Alcoholics Anonymous

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt3.pdf

freshstart57

There are exceptions and lots of em. People have been quitting their addictions to alcohol on the basis of self knowledge since the discovery of wine, back in Noah's day from some accounts, since 4000 BC from other accounts. Addiction to alcohol and quitting are not inventions of the 20th century.

oh2exhale

Thank you Faithful for starting this thread and Welcome!
The literature of AA has something like this to say about me:
The idea that somehow someday we will be able to both control and enjoy drinking is the obsession of every abnormal drinker. When I was controlling it I was not enjoying it and when I was enjoying it I was out of control.
I learned that I was powerless to control the amount that I would drink or even whether or not I would drink.
While it is true that there are many ways to stop drinking,
AA showed me how to live sober. My focus now is not so much on
how to not drink-as it is on how to live now! No matter the path you choose
it is my wish for you to know how to really start living.
God bless!