FaithfulQuest

Thank you for that excerpt!!! I was recounting over the last 7 years times I felt I was drinking too much and wanted to either quit or moderate. Little did I know I was too far gone at that point to be a "normal person" again. My Father is for surely an alcoholic although he'd never admit it. My StepMom too although she'd never admit it either. I've never seen them drunk but man can he put the drinks away. I actually sort of prided myself that I could hold my liquor like him. He would do the eat clean and not drink during the week and then on the weekends "Let it all hang out" as he still says. Lots to eat and lots to drink. The visits over there weren't enjoyable anymore. Too much eating and too much drinking. They have been out of town and I haven't seen them since Mother's Day so it's been a nice break. I won't see them until well into July probably after we return from our trip.

Anyway, This realization that I am an alcoholic and my will power alone can't control a damn thing is HUGE. In the past, I would compare it to the weight I lost, the programs of lifting I worked through, the discipline I can keep when I'm on plan...it's pretty incredible, so why (so I thought) won't this work the same way??? I can eat a little of the "bad" foods on the weekend and still be fine, why not (so I thought) can't I have some of the "bad" drink and still be ok??? Because it was never just a little. I'd take my breaks thinking I'd start back at the beginning with the tolerance of a beginner. I seriously thought EACH TIME I started back that I'd go back to 1 oz of Vodka in my Sprite Zero. Mind boggling looking back over the past 7 years. I remember talking to a dr back in 2007 about hating how much I drank and then it was just 2-3 glasses of wine (legit and honest answer to the dr.) Then the glasses increased, I'd switch to 1oz of Vodka and the oz increased to where I wasn't even measuring.

Ok stop that...I have a tendency to obsess about the past. Dwell on what I've done and how I did it instead of the steps I'm taking now knowing I'm not in this alone, knowing I can never have another first drink, and being excited about the liberation I'll feel is going to be 100 times better than that first drink will ever taste.

FaithfulQuest

I was typing my last reply when you posted this. Wow...you said "My focus now is not so much on how to not drink-as it is on how to live now!" is exactly what I'm looking for! My counselor tells me this all the time but not related to drinking...that's why I stopped my reply with "Ok, stop that!" That mindset reminds me something I've been reading each night where it tells you to "Praise God, the problem-solver, instead of the problem." Reteaching the mind how to think takes practice but it's like thinking of the glass as half full instead of half empty. A simple rearranging of words will get you believing and in turn renew the mind which will renew the body.

I'm so glad I have a place to get these thoughts out I could talk my husabnd's ear off all day but he thinks I get too preachy Don't want that!!! I share bits and pieces but he's still new on this whole sharing-of-the-feelings thing...he's working on it though!!! For once in our marriage, he's asking me sincerely, "How are you doing?" Not just something to say because he feels like he has to, but really truely wondering how I'm doing with all of this.

GiGi13

I just wanted to say a quick hello and welcome!!!! You are among friends and we are all fighting for the same cause here...sobriety! im on day 4 and doing fairly well have xanax to take the edge off withdrawls but i had been on it for a year due to anxiety (i never mixed the two however). In any event..we are all in the same boat...stick with it dear.. stay strong, stay sober and keep the faith!!!!! YOU CAN AND WILL DO THIS!!!