Darn! I acted like my mother!
 

Hello my friends in recovery. Holiday weekends are so hard. Where do we ever get this imaginary perfect June Cleaver family life?? lol! Oh, right! Tv and honestly, why would I set my expectations to television?

Anyway, expectations are what got me in a heap lastnight.My daughter loves to go spend a lot of her time in a drug infested where her boyfriends parents live. I was both mother and father to my children. I thought a text would be nice from her or maybe comming home around 7pm so I could go to a meeting. You know, "mom helps me so much financially, maybe she'd like to go out with AA friends tonight" HA WRONG! I have to admitt to you all I acted out badly. I made her feel very bad and she cried:(

What a jerk right! I can't expext this kind of stuff from a 19yr old! I'm 39 and just learning this. I apologized and hugged her. I don't know what else to do though. She had a job interview, but she said after we can talk about it. Should I stick to the "my feelings were hurt" thing or just drop it? It was a day for honering a parent and she chose to spend it with active drunk abusive bf's father. And would anyone else feel hurt or am I being selfish?

I don't know....I try and think how I acted when I was 19....I was clueless.

It sounds like you are frustrated by your emotional response, by emulating your mother, but that you believe in your underlying motivations, that you deserve a text and that she shouldn't be hanging out with self-destructing losers? Maybe you could get angry without really being angry, make it less about feelings and more about presenting the reality of the situation in terms that you aren't ashamed of that you don't have to back away from?

Can't tell you how you should or should not feel. I know that for myself, the more I react negatively to things I have no control over, the less I feel good.

As a father of 2 son's, who's previous wife has worked so hard at poisoning their thoughts towards their father, that they want nothing to do with him ... for the last 22 years. I haven't seen them since they were 5 and 3, because of her lies and half trues. Now they're 27 and 25, and I think I can say for certain, that of course, feeling hurt is definitely allowed, but unless you accept what you can't change, then you are the only one that will be hurt long term.

My thoughts, let her know how you feel, but accept and move on. She's with you most other days. Take what you have

"Should I stick to the "my feelings were hurt" thing or just drop it?"

stick with the my feeling were hurt thing and yer prolly practicing behavior that got ya drunk in the past.

acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life — unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

You are so right tomsteve!! You and sapling always help me get back to basics! Had another situation happen a few nghts ago. Real quick, a friend I worked with for 16yrs called and said she was in the area, wanted to pop over. When she arrived she was drunk and had her 2 children with her ages 12 and 17 very big girls. They helped themselves to the pizza I had ordered for myself and my son, because it was dinner time when she called. We talked about the job for awhile and my friend told me I was not that great of an employee(she would switch hats, part time supervisor)

That felt like a knife went through my heart. Immediatly I started to shake with anxiety! I was back in the same place I was 2 yrs ago. This I had to call my sponcor in for. She said to me, 'why did that sting so much heather? Is it because she hit on something?' It's true. I wasn't the best employee. The job I prided (key word) myself on for 16yrs was actually my employers doing ME a favor, not the other way around. This was a tough one to swallow! Admitting to myself that for 16yrs I ran myself with ego! cr@p!!! back to the drawing board! lol!

Spiritual progress not perfection heathersweeds....We are not Saints.

If it were me, and I decided to stick with the 'I was hurt' thing, I would also make sure I let her know that just because I was hurt, it doesn't excuse me acting so immaturely and lash out. I would let her know that nothing she did was why I ACTED the way I did.
There's nothing wrong with feeling the natural reaction that you do. But its how you handle it that makes the difference.

My mom is like that. There's no talking. As soon as theres something she doesn't like(as far as the way something makes her feel), she lashes out.
I'm 33 and just know realizing that my emotional reaction is that of a little kid. I looked up one day, and I was 'acting' like my mom. And I'm just barely scrathing the surface on working on it. Sometimes it comes out before I can even think...and its because of this, its been easy for me to relapse. Because how ever I decide to "deal" with my feelings; whether I lash out, drown 'em in liquor, or brush 'em under the rug until I explode then drown them in liquor, either way, I'm not dealing with them with them at all.
Anyway, my point is, maybe you can use this as a growing opportunity for both of you.

And is Fathers Day a day your children usually consider you for? Fathers Day is a 'parent' day...but its not Parents Day. It's Fathers Day. For kids (of any age) who don't have a father, its a day where everywhere you turn, your reminded that you don't have a dad.

If it were me, and I acted like that with my daughter, I'd have a heart to heart with her. You reacted in a way that hurt her. I wouldn't be able to let that go without letting her know how wrong I was and how it wasn't her fault and she didn't deserve it. I think you not talking about it, even though you still feel bad about it, and are even more hurt for hurting her for how YOU felt, is yet another way of not dealing with it. You both may need some insight on why the day unfolded the way it did from eachother.


Best wishes on whatever you decide...Im sure everything will work out the way they're supposed to.