pity party
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
4 Days No Cigarettes
PozzumHeathen, 2 years? You are FANTASTIC. Congratulations. I was about to start my own pity party thread this morning about how terrible I feel about not having smoked a cigarette and all that but after reading your thread I came to understand that I don't have a lot to complain about. My AV has been torturing me lately but thanks to you sweetie it has been put back in it's place. Also today, I am 1 year 11 months sober. See ya in chat. 
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 1,387
What a wonderful person you are. I wish I had half the strength that you do. I am sitting here crying my eyes out.....not out of feeling sorry for you, but for the loving person that you are. Reading this was just what I needed to read.....you are an inspiration to all of us. I wish there was something I could do to help....but I can wish you love and prayers. People like you are what makes the world go around. Bless your heart, and your son.
Self-Recovered
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 29
Heather,
I am glad that you are feeling better today. Your original post broke my heart.
I understand how you feel. I had a little over 10 years with no drinking when my fourth child was born with Semi-Lobar Holoprosencephaly. In my ten years of being free from drinking, I couldn't think of a better time start. Feeding tubes, 24 hours feedings, doses of medication every 2 hours, dr. or lab visits every 3 days, er visits a couple times a month, surgeries, a child who would only sleep for 30 minutes at a time, a child who could not regulate her own body temperature or stop herself from dehydrating, and dr.'s telling me every day that my child would never know me or love me. I wanted a drink so bad just to feel better.
I had four kids and on my own. I was sober - but struggled. I am thankful that I had the strength not to pick up the bottle. 9 1/2 months later I woke up to find her dying in front of me. I am glad that I didn't miss a second of those few months drunk. Cause it is all I would have.
My strength went that night she died and my drinking came back with revenge for about 6 months.
The self sacrifice that you have to give for a special needs child is intense. When drinking we experienced the ultimate in selfishness. With a special needs we have to go to the other extreme.
I am sure after 12 years you have tapped into all the resources available. But never stop looking for new resources.
At the bottom of this post is a writing I read every more - not sure if you have seen it - or if it gives you any peace.
I am here as a resource for you if you need help or to vent again
Carrie
WELCOME TO HOLLAND
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley.
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.
I am glad that you are feeling better today. Your original post broke my heart.
I understand how you feel. I had a little over 10 years with no drinking when my fourth child was born with Semi-Lobar Holoprosencephaly. In my ten years of being free from drinking, I couldn't think of a better time start. Feeding tubes, 24 hours feedings, doses of medication every 2 hours, dr. or lab visits every 3 days, er visits a couple times a month, surgeries, a child who would only sleep for 30 minutes at a time, a child who could not regulate her own body temperature or stop herself from dehydrating, and dr.'s telling me every day that my child would never know me or love me. I wanted a drink so bad just to feel better.
I had four kids and on my own. I was sober - but struggled. I am thankful that I had the strength not to pick up the bottle. 9 1/2 months later I woke up to find her dying in front of me. I am glad that I didn't miss a second of those few months drunk. Cause it is all I would have.
My strength went that night she died and my drinking came back with revenge for about 6 months.
The self sacrifice that you have to give for a special needs child is intense. When drinking we experienced the ultimate in selfishness. With a special needs we have to go to the other extreme.
I am sure after 12 years you have tapped into all the resources available. But never stop looking for new resources.
At the bottom of this post is a writing I read every more - not sure if you have seen it - or if it gives you any peace.
I am here as a resource for you if you need help or to vent again
Carrie
WELCOME TO HOLLAND
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley.
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: NJ
Posts: 594
Oh my goodness xenoughx! I am so sorry for your loss. I have chills after reading your story! I don't think there is anything worse than loosing a child. I am speechless. How hard this must have been for you. Thank you for replying to my bad day with so much support after been through something so much worse! You are the amazing one!!
Self-Recovered
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by heathersweeds 
Oh my goodness xenoughx! I am so sorry for your loss. I have chills after reading your story! I don't think there is anything worse than loosing a child. I am speechless. How hard this must have been for you. Thank you for replying to my bad day with so much support after been through something so much worse! You are the amazing one!!
Our children have amazing power over us.
You have been handed a lot. But nothing that you can't handle, although sometimes the question is more of do you want to handle it.
I know the feelings of seeing other parents in a different mind set than you. I know how frustrating that can be.
Make sure you always take care of yourself. You will be nothing for your son if you aren't healthy. I used to get respite care - and for the first couple of months I just stayed home with the caregiver. She finally had to push me out of the way - even if it meant I just went and sat on the porch or to the shower to cry.
Heather, you are in my prayers.
Carrie
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