Scary Sh** and calling in all reinforcements
 

Whoa! i've been drinking steadily for many months -- at least 2 bottles of wine a day, and sometimes a few extra beers thrown in. Times years. I did so again yesterday, and had another 1/2 bottle of wine stashed to continue drinking after H fell asleep.

But then... even with wine in a black coffee mug on my nightstand (ha, true alkees know why the black mug) ... my heart rate went sky high and I for once in my life, could physically NOT drink. Too scary. Then all night, every thought sent me into what felt like cardiac arrest. I stayed up almost all night with my heart pounding. At one point my right hand went numb. I took deep breaths and tried to calm down, but it didn't work. At about 4 am, I thought, holy crap, think is it... I've finally killed myself. I started thinking about my family having to clean up my life, go through my files, discover what a f-up and liar I am, think so very, very little of me. In other words, to know the truth about what I've been hiding for years: I am a lonely, ruined drunk, and utterly worthless and despicable. This is the terror of a Functional Drunk. YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE FOUND OUT!

I fell asleep for a while, and as soon as I got up, I knew I had to get rid of the pile of empties that has accumulated in my home office.

But I still drank the rest of the 1/2 bottle before carefully wrapping the empties and hiding them in a bag of trash. Rationale? Taper.... a little wine will keep that heart racing **** from coming back.

I am not going to a doctor or rehab. Because one more time, life-threatening or not, I'm not going to use my family's money or concern on something that is essentially a stupid, stupid thing that is entirely my fault.

I do have a good life insurance policy, so if the worst happens, it's covered. But for right now, no treatment or help is covered. It would be a bad drain on everyone else.

I'm sorry for dumping this here. It's true that as strangers, you shouldn't have to put up with me, either, or help me just because I'm on a web site with you. I do truly appreciate all of you for just giving me a place to write this down. I suspect that some have been in this same awful place, and that you'll perhaps relate a little.

So thank you so much for being here. I don't know, maybe if nothing else, this story illustrates the insanity that is alcohol. <sigh>

to post or not to post? ... hitting the submit button...

Thanks for sharing. I wrecked my health but fot my sake and those of the ones I love I had to reach out. Alcoholism effects not only ourselves but those we touch. It's a social disease that requires the help and support of others even when it make feel shaneful or painful. Just my thought. I wish the best for you.

Yeah...I was there....Right where you are. My brother payed for my rehab...I'm the disgrace of the family. I was introduced to AA...I figured I could do that for free and left rehab 2 weeks early to save some money I'd have to pay back anyway. I was going to do anything I had to do to make it work. Or die. They told me to do 90 meetings in 90 days...I did 180+...That's at least two a day...If I could only make it to one...I'd go to three the next day. I studied that book like a manual to save my life...Had a sponsor 2 days out of rehab and dived into those steps. Surrounded myself with people in AA that were winners....I didn't care about anything but not drinking and getting it right. I prayed like there was no tomorrow...Because if I drank...There wouldn't be...I'm going to hit a year in a few weeks without a drink.....Is there a way out?....I guess so.

I'm hoping you are okay today dear. Please know that there are people who care and that it can get better. Please try to focus on getting yourself better, whatever it takes! AA is free and taking the first week to just detox and settle the heart and emotions may be a good thing. It really sucks at first and doesn't get better overnight but just know that we are here. You deserve to get better and live a beautiful life. Amen

Doing it without medical supervision is just not safe. I would STRONGLY suggest seeing a doctor. Time to quit yes, but to hurt yourself in the process no. As a more or less objective reader I cannot help but think your judgement might be clouded a bit right now. Please see a doc. Quit, but do it right!

If you want information on a self-recovery option that will cost you less than a night of drinking max. and has a success rate of over 70% send me a PM.

(((Samantha))), I beg you, please print out your original post and bring it to your doctor and let him/her read it. When we are in active addiction, we have no idea what's best for us. You may have a "good life Insurance policy", but those you leave behind will never recover if you die. You can recover though. The fact that you reached out to us here means that there's some part of you - however small - that wants to be helped. Hold on to that and allow others in realtime to give you the help and support that you truly deserve. Please Samantha. I only 'know' you a little while but I already feel a connection with you and I, for one, would be devastated if anything were to happen to you. Please do it for us if you cannot do it for you just yet.

You are cared for and needed more than realise just yet.

We need you!

Sending you hugs.

M xx

((Samantha)) - I really hope you go to a dr. I understand not wanting to spend money, I really do. What people don't realize is that though alcohol withdrawal can be fatal, it can also cause problems like having a stroke and/or seizures and having permanent brain damage? It's not as simple as you either get through it or you die..there are a lot of gray areas in between.

Please go to a doctor.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Yeah...I would recommend detoxing safely first Sam...And kanamit...Do you have a source where you get that 70% figure from?

Samantha, you really need to have someone monitor you while you are in the stopping process. it's going to be sweaty, shaky, sleepless and yes you could very well have a seizure.

tell your doctor what you want and he/she can determine if you can safely do this at home with some supervision. it will also make you accountable to your doctor....and i hope put you on the path to sanity.

i was a lot like you and made it harder than it had to be. stick around and tell us how it's going. you can decide on your support and choose any program you feel is best, but don't take a risk with a seizure, please consider that.

Do I deserve to get better and have a beautiful life, as NewHouse said? I'm thinking NO.

But I am taking all of your input into consideration.

I was very against AA since my previous experiences there just made me want to drink MORE. I do know AVRT and have read and studied the Rational Recovery site. I also know SMART and have studied that thoroughly, too.

Today I'm thinking I could go back to an AA meeting. One more try... though I felt so rejected there before. It was humiliating and felt like a club or clique. My personal demeanor or something? I guess is so wrong that I others just won't talk to me, and the truth is, I don't know how to do much else besides be invisible.

And that comes from so much rejection. It is a western thing... I've lived isolated all my adult life in rural Montana.

I swear I have reached out at times. I asked for help. I was a volunteer at the local women's shelter. There is something --awful-- about me that makes people reject me. What is it?

But thank you all so very much for talking to me and giving your input. I cried when I read Miela's post. I thank all of you so very, very much.

Sam, is it possible that you subconsciously push people away because you don't feel worthy of their care/love? I know I am guilty of doing this, or else I have 'tested' people to see if they'd stick around but often tested them too much!

I heard a great saying once that really resonated with me: "We get the love we think we deserve".

Give people a chance but you have to learn to accept yourself first..

Thinking of you x

i had happen to me. and that sort of thing kept happening. I also had times where i couldnt breathe and i was certain my lungs where filling with blood. It kept happening till i quit. I was scared to quit abrubtly too. so for a couple days i toned it down then i just wanted to be free took my chances and stopped. You can give up a lot of drugs but from what i can gather alcohol is one of the few that can KILL you when you quit so yes you have to be careful.
Keep drinking stuff like that will keep happening. You may feel like its impossible and you may feel like your life has no value. I've been there done that. I cant be certain your religious affilaition or what God you believe in or not. But there is a scripture that goes something along he lines of if the flowers have pretty petals and the birds always have something to eat how much more important are you then they? A buttload more important thats how much. So if somethings watching out for all of them making sure they dont starve to death and still look pretty its pretty garanteed something or someone is watching out for you EVEN MORE SO. Your life has value your the only one that doesnt see that. Lucky for you someones still watchen out for you. You will get it. If you fall down and cant get up do you just lay there or do you try to get back up?
If you dont try you will never know.
One guy thats pretty inspirational is Nick Vujicic search him on youtube if you can. Keep trying sooner or later your quit will stick.

Hi Samantha,

Rather than argue with you let's think of something else.

Do your loved ones deserve a "better" you?

Would you not be more likely to benefit others by being sober?

The reasons for not being sick go on and on.

I hope that you find at least one strong that works for you -- the more the better.


Same.

"If you say that you like everyone that you meet in AA then i know that you have not been to too many meetings."
-- former sponser and current friend

A wonderful man once pointed out something unusual about me (i didn't take the slightest bit of offense as he's wonderfully tactful, charismatic and good to be around).

"You're an alcoholic, but yet you prefer NA over AA?"

Not the route that most alcoholics people take. But it worked. And everyone i brought there -- whether having a drug or alcohol problem -- DID like the meeting.

And if you do find someone who has a similar problem and whom you get on with GET THEIR NUMBER. This was my one regret. I didn't do that often enough. I feel my weakness for alcohol was a very personal thing. Much better to comiserate with someone you can trust.

Best of luck to you.

" There is something --awful-- about me that makes people reject me. What is it? "
your thinking. people arent rejecting you.
"I've lived isolated all my adult life in rural Montana"
that could be why if feels uncomfortable to be around people. you dont know how to be around people.

those men and women at the meetings are friends you just havent got to know yet. i highly suggest ya get some courage to go back and only go to meetings on the days ya drank.


fromt he experience of this worthless,useless, hopeless, helpless drunk, it was the best decision i ever made. now i have self worth, self use, hope, and can help others.

Let's get you sober first and then worry about all the particulars of personality.

i don't do AA, i've been sober a year. ( i did recently go to a meeting with a friend as a guest, and that group was very nice) but i do reach out to people every single day and practice the "Attitude of Gratitude'....i find something to be grateful for every single day...because it was just so awful to be drinking 10 glasses of wine every night for 20 years..

being tethered to the wine bottle is no way to live...you do deserve better.

thank you all -- please stay. I really appreciate you all, and I will keep studying what you say.

Working on it. I never mean to argue with anyone here. I really, truly appreciate what you're telling me, and I read and re-read it. Thank you so very much.

It means everything that you are all so giving, loving and kind. What a wonderful gift that you are out here. You're the best.

I'll try harder.

i don't think you've been argumentive at all....it's a discussion with many suggestions, options and offering to share our experiences.

it's supportive and hopefully makes you want to get sober. you can, you want to and you will feel better soon.

Hi Sam,

I hope you are feeling better today. The first handful of days when you are detoxing really suck. I too think that you may want to speak to a doctor. If you have no money or insurance I know that this can be an issue. But your life is worth more that a few hundred bucks. The Doc will give you some meds that will let you detox safely.

The best thing about getting sober is that you never have to feel this way again. At one time I just HAD to drink, even when I didn't want to. I just was so uncomfortable in my own skin that I had to change the way I felt. I am getting comfortable just being me. I think that AA might be able to help you, it is free and it is in most places. SMART worked for me, meetings are online. They have voice meeting that I like a lot. Rational Recovery is helpful to some. But you really need to do the work. Pick a program and work it like your life is at stake, because it is.

All the best.

Lots of great advice here Sam - you're obviously loved and cared for here - and in the beginning, when I wasn't capable of loving or caring for myself, I used the support I found here to do what I knew was right for me to do.

I really hope you'll do the same - we all can't be wrong about you and your worth :)

I need to add tho - detox is very serious stuff

I had a very bad last detox - I suffered mini strokes and although I've recovered well, I'll never be the same again - I forget stuff, I type the same word 3 times, I miss words, I get tired easily...I can't walk very far at all anymore...I could go on but that's enough for you to get the picture.

I have to live with this stuff for the rest of my life - and I got off incredibly lightly. It all could have been avoided had I seen a Dr.

There's a lot of other stuff that could happen to you too.
I hope you'll reconsider and see someone.