Nitram

I shouldn't look back. I should focus on my future. That's what I'm trying to do. But **** this... Beer in my hand and alcohol in my blood. I'm trying. But my damn brains goes to auto-pilot whenever the **** I try... Sorry for the harsh language. Just tired of this... And needed to vent this...

desertsong

Been where you are, Nitram. A hundred times or more. Alcohol always told me that it would make my future better ... but it stole my future instead. If I may be blunt ... if you have a beer in your hand, you're not trying. "Trying" means kicking alcohol to the curb, suffering through the tough part of it, and reaching out. You ARE reaching out ... but still drinking. We can help ... for sure, we've been where you are ... but we can help MORE if you put down the bottle. Can you do it?

Dee74

How does drinking change that past you're looking back at, Nitram?

D

mwstylee

Hey bud, sober up today and tomorrow's a new day to start fresh, and start living your life the way you want to live it.

pinkdog

It's hard to think when drinking. Hard to make important decisions. We are rooting for you.

tomsteve

i found out through many years of drinking that drinking didnt do a dam thing to change my past or have it leave my head. i had to face it. nit just accept everything happened, but find out why( what makes me tick) and i couldnt do that with my own thinking. had to have help. by the Grace of God, i walked into AA. stopped drinking, learned about me, got my past where it belongs, and havent drank since.
today i can look at my past. i can say,"yup,i was there and did that. thank God i aint that man any more!"
i dont regret it and dont want to forget it. if i forget it, i'll repeat it. if i regret it, which sounds like what you are doing, i'll get drunk.

Nitram

I'm the OP. Read this: I made a post about 6 months ago, when I had a job. My teamleader listened to me. He encouraged me so much. He told me how good I was at the job (I really was). He wanted to help me. He got my employer to hook me up with this help-line-thing (for free). I went to a basics-meeting where they talked to me to figure out how much I was drinking. They took a blood sample aswell. Then it took about 3-4 weeks for them to reply and call me for another meeting. The thing is that they wanted me to drive very far for this meeting. And they called at a time that I had an epifani.

AND: It all made me feel like I was just a test-rat in an experiment.

I made a post here, telling the story about this "epifani". Lots of people told me to still go to the meeting and get the free help (because this kind of epifani I had was pretty regular). I didn't listen, because I felt that I could do it for real!!! And now I'm here again. Feeling weaker then ever, unemployed.

Don't know where I'm going with this. Other then really listen to people that are on this forum. Don't listen to me! But to people that have actually beated this beast, and are veterans on these forums. I made the mistake of reading but not listening, and now (5-6 months later) i'm still into this crap.

I am sorry for not listening. And I am sorry for burdening you guys with my problems.

Edit: Thank you for all the replies... Really... Thank You!

Dee74

It's never too late to listen...or for epiphanies Nitram

D

tomsteve

dont be sorry. yer just sick, but theres a solution!

"I didn't listen, because I felt that I could do it for real!!! "
do you want to stop?
ready to listen and take the suggestions, like gettin back to meetings?
we got hope for ya and you can have that hope too!

SoberDawg

Sixtenn months ago I was drinking at loved ones gone. Loved ones dead. Deals gone bad and anything else you can think of. Today the loved ones are still gone and passed away. The bad deals are still there and life goes on. Yes you can get help here. But I suggest you actually pick yourself up and go take a look in the mirror. Do it! There is your savior. Right there in front of you. So who you gonna blame? You have a choice to make and a life to live. Do what you want. It's up to you. Please don't blame others and then expect others to save you. I say true recovery begins when all my plots and schemes end. Love ya and best of luck!

aNewEternity

"I'm a dumbass" sounds like a perfect example of the irrational and self-defeating beliefs that SMART will work with you to replace.

NewHouse2012

This is such great advice, I hope you can find some inspiration in it!

Peter G

Howdy Nitram, good to see you back. I'm one of the folks who told you to take the offer of help back then. Sorry things didn't go as you planned, but it's never too late to begin getting well. I can tell that you now understand what we already saw within your issue back then.

Fact is that sometimes being told something isn't enough, we have to experience it to really understand. It's like gravity. You can't explain gravity at all to someone who hasn't fallen out of a tree or two. Of any group of people on this planet, alcoholics are the worst for having to fall out of trees, in spite of knowing what the outcome will be. That's all you did in this predicament ... the same thing we all have at one point or another. Hell, lots of rotten and toxic things take place before we can finally come to understand just how useless and destructive drinking is to our lives.

So now is the time to step forward and get some serious treatment for your drinking problem amigo. Let go of what can't be changed regarding the help you turned down from your x employers. It's unnecessary baggage now. Dwelling on it is just more fuel for a future alcohol fire. You don't need to burn anymore Nitram. Turn all this happy crap in at the door of an AA meeting, and wipe the slate clean. If not AA, then become a regular here. Read Rational Recovery front to back, like 6 times. Read the BB 6 times. Develop a solid plan to eradicate this issue once and for all. Kill it. Murder the sucker. Your alcoholic/addictive voice should now be #1 on your "Things I Must Thoroughly Bash Into The Ground" list. Full stop.

This time it really can be different for you amigo... you're well armed with experience, and with the people on this forum you'll be well informed, always. The difference is now you are listening, having learned a lesson we all had to learn.

Don't beat yourself up over anything, because I dare say we've all been through similar struggles even after getting sound and solid advice. When I first joined this forum the veterans told me how it was, and deep down I knew they were right... but still it went in one ear and out the other. Eventually though, with enough alcoholic crap falling on my head, stubbornly trying to fit that bloody square peg in a round hole, I did start to listen to the peeps here. It's worked out a lot better than I expected. Experience counts for a lot when it comes to this thing of ours. That's why in AA, a veteran sharing can be extremely helpful to a newcomer still suffering.

I'd suggest that you went through a hallmark of alcoholism. The insidious part I mean, where your AV (addictive voice) always convinces you that you can quit on your own with no need for outside help. In fact, ask any 10 recovered booze hounds if they've ever turned down help thinking they could 'handle it'. I'd bet my next royalty check that every single one says they tried that road many times, crashing and burning every time.

It might seem that the worst has happened but honestly mate, sometimes the biggest - truly the most life changing epiphanies can come out of struggles and situations exactly like the one you are currently facing.

Chin up amigo. Take this as a necessary fork in the road. You're still holding the wheel. Just do me a favor ok? Listen to this guy (link). That's an MP3 share from a veteran who has beat booze in spite of struggles you and I will likely never face. Then read this (link) See how it all resonates with you right now.

BTW, how's Bella?

Nitram

How the heck do you remember that? That is insane (and incredibly... something). We had to put her down though. She went blind and braindead because of salmonella that the vet didn't discover in time to treat it.

Why and how do you remember that? It beats me so hard really.. Wow...

Anyway... Her death was one of the things that kept me drinking. But yea... Thanks for the advice...

HOW DID YOU REMEMBER THAT THOUGH? ITS CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CarolD

It's amazing how much I remember now that alcohol is out
of my life..... Maybe that is true for every sober person?

Do you have a plan about how best to actually quit drinking?

Peter G

Haha!!! Yea, it's pretty much as Carol put it. With no alcohol eradicating the brain cells I have left, my returning memory is one of the first things that freaks me out. From what I've seen it blows sober alkies away on the regular.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Over the years my dogs (and one particular cat) are/were no less meaningful to me than anyone else, on two legs or not. Deep and unconditional love is limitless. Full stop. Losing them is easily as much a struggle as the times when I've lost friends and family, essentially because that is exactly what they become, friends and family. Some people might find that strange, I think it's as normal as sunlight.

At any rate, Bella is now in a far better place, and you are still down here with the rest of us, plodding away. Someone rather brilliant told me once that those who are taken too soon, ones that loved us dearly while they were here, they are only dishonored when we continue to self destruct. In remembering them well, our purpose becomes rather singular; to better the world around us, which - of course - starts in our own lives. In short, we remain here to live the life they wished upon us all along. And guess what amigo? They never once wanted us off our faces loaded, destroying and not creating, wasting time instead of making use of it.

So what is your plan now? Have you looked into any programs yet? Do you have an idea where to start? Are you ready to start? Believe me, if and when you do, there will be a tail wagging in heaven.

SamanthaIam

Nitram, just wanted to add my words of support. I'm no veteran of the sober scene, just someone who is quitting again for the Nth time, really desiring a new clean life. I wish you all the best. Will be watching this thread so please keep posting!