GottaBounce

I think cussing out my boss and having to appear in public with a black eye and busted lip are about as bad as I want it to get. It was a huge wake up call for me and this site has been, too.

I've been telling myself for the last three days that I have to find out why I am so damn angry and why I am lashing out at people who don't deserve it. I told myself that my drinking was just a symptom of a bigger problem. Find out what the bigger problem is and fix it. I can't do that if I am drinking. I bartended on and off since I was seventeen, and I never saw myself as I did some of my "career" regulars but now I damn sure don't see myself as a social drinker. Hiding in my apartment drowning regret with Absolut sure isn't social by any stretch.

Lenina

FYI, "As Bill Sees it" is a book with quotes and stories by Bill W. We used to have a meeting and used it as discussion material. Good stuff.

love from Lenina

Zencat

Welcome to SR GottaBounce.

I understand the willingness to go to any lengths for sobriety. Those 'any lengths' included knowing as much about all the different recovery programs out there. AA is a great way to get and stay sober with their mystical spirituality of the 12-steps and the BB. If you are interested in getting to know about recovery tools that you can use right away, the links below are worth a look.

No matter whatever works for you, SR (as you have already noticed) is a great place to get support, information and encouragement. You can so do this thing!

sugarbear1

listen to xa-speakers.org

recorded speaker meetings

Kerry started as a young woman, Bea M. is a nun who found she liked wine, there are other women and men on there! Take a listen.

GottaBounce

Will do and Zencat I have bookmarked the links in your post, thank you. I really like the affirmations from Women for Sobriety, good stuff!

Jitterbugg

Hi Gotta,
I have face-planted in some of the most inappropiate places. I have been fired for 'speaking my mind' to the boss and destroyed numerous friendships/relationships. As this was all happening, none of it bothered me because I could have a drink and nothing else mattered. It was impossible to learn from my mistakes while I was actively drinking. I had to hit bottom before I saw the writing on the wall. It seems as though you are starting to recognize a problem with your drinking. Do something about it now! I waited far too long...

Zencat

Your very welcome. WFS is a fantastic organization. You have to read Dr. Jean Kirkpatrick bio, great story of doing everything it takes to be recovered from alcoholism. She is one of my herons in recovery.

GottaBounce

I stayed on here until almost one in the morning, just reading. Everyone's story is different but the underlying feeling or current was the same thing I have been experiencing.

I didn't drink for almost a year when I ran into the xbf (TRIGGER) and had a couple of beers. Almost a year later I find myself here. Again, I'm not a daily drinker and most of the time when I go out I drink in moderation. It's when I come home after work to an empty apartment.

I've told myself "I wasn't always like this," and I wasn't, but I am now. I went to a few AA meetings after my axh ended up going to prison for DWI. I wasn't a drinker at the time, I just wanted to get a handle on what his thought processes were. They were not pleasant experiences for me. I was met with a lot of negativity and in my opinion, dry, angry drunks. I don't like the idea of saying I am powerless over anything and I am not all that sure about a higher power either, at least not at this point in my life. In short, I think Big Book and the literature is a tremendous resource in staying the path but I am not sold that AA is the right program for me.

I have veered from my normal routine this week, partly because I am not working and partly because my normal routine seems like it is pretty unhealthy for me. Instead of grabbing my phone and jumping on facebook this morning, I used that time to do some serious thinking and evaluating of my self and what I am doing.

I have called a few therapists and counselors this morning to start working on my anger issues, I think it is a step in the right direction. It seems I don't like myself very much. I have been engaging in some pretty self destructive behavior, from drinking too much, to chain smoking, to pretty much starving myself. I'm 5'11" and I weigh less than a buck. I've been using alcohol to give myself permission to unload my own self loathing on others.

It hasn't been the most pleasant day. I am sure there will be a few more days like these as I work toward my goal. Honestly admitting to myself that I am, in fact, an alcoholic has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I no longer think I have a problem, I know I have a problem. I am an alcoholic.