Debating society
 

I have 77 days today. This is the longest I have ever gone without a drink since I started drinking 13 years ago. That feels pretty amazing.

Yet, my life is still in shambles. I'm terribly depressed, and angry, and resentful and self seeking. I'm having a hard time following through on EVERYTHING my sponsor asks of me. Mostly because of the depression I am in. I know that sounds like it's not complete surrender. It probably isn't.

I just decided I was an alcoholic, like two weeks ago. That was a hard pill to swallow, so to speak. I keep saying it in meetings because I'm hoping I will finally "get" it. I mean, I thought I got it when I finally admitted it. But, the debating society in my head is still very strong.

Anyway, I'm about to get a job that involves A LOT of driving, and transporting people. It also requires being on call 24 hours a day M-F. I realized, I can't do this job if I am drinking. I will get fired, I could hurt someone or myself, I could have a very difficult time ever getting a job in my profession again. A profession that I have worked a long time to even get into. And you know what is absolutely INSANE and CRAZY??? You would think, if I had to make the decision between the beer or the career I've worked years to get into, I would jump with both feet into the career and not look back. That's what a "normal" person would do, right?

I was talking to a friend last night about the job, and she started hysterically laughing and then said, "I can hear how you are trying to negotiate it in your head. You're thinking, 'i wonder if there is a way I can get away with it'". And that's so true!!!

I hate my head when it comes to this stuff. :a043:

You're right. That's what a normal person would do. But that is the insanity of alcoholism. Our minds, especially in the beginning, tell us we can pull it off this time or it will be different. Play the tape all the way through and think of the consequences. You are looking at some real ones if you choose to drink.
As far as feeling depressed and down, I think you should give it some time. Just cause we are sober doesn't mean emotions go away. You are newly sober so don't be do hard on yourself and keep your expectations realistic. Expectations will lead to self seeking, resentments, feeling down...etc.

I'm having a hard time following through on EVERYTHING my sponsor asks of me. Mostly because of the depression I am in. I know that sounds like it's not complete surrender. It probably isn't

some of us have tried to hold onto our old ideas and the result was nit until we LET GO ABSOLUTELY!
half measures availed us nothing.

consequences will not keep an alcoholic sober

What is your sponsor asking of you?

I heard an oldtimer say once "if we fully turn our will and lives over to the care of God, everything that happens to us is for our own good" The important thing isn't to understand things, its to keep coming back until we know what we're doing and why we're doing it.

Hope this helps,

So your life is "unmanageable". That's the bad news. Now you need to find a Higher Power that will manage your life for you. That's the good news. The Higher Power is found through the remaining 11 steps.

77 days is very early sobriety and it's common to feel depressed but it will get better. If you follow suggestions and TALK about your ambivalence about being an alcoholic with your sponsor, it will help a great deal. Being brutally honest is necessary in staying sober.
It takes time to get our lives in shape, time to heal.

Why not write down all the Pro's and Con's around your drinking time?
Hope you will continue to move into a sober future....it's so worthwhile..:yup:

By surrendering, we end up winning.

By following suggestions, we receive freedom.

What are you willing to do to obtain that freedom and new relief? Your dream job is here so maybe it's time to work really hard to keep it.

You are worth it. Action gets me out of depression, no matter how I feel about something, once it's accomplished I feel wonderful, so the end result is worth it.

I know you can do this!!

This is from an article on PAWS:

I think if your depression doesn't get better, it might be worth talking to a psychiatrist. Also, try to notice when you start to get irritable or anxious, and think about solutions for those issues, ways you can make it easier on yourself. I found that I had to let a lot of things go in the first months of sobriety or risk feeling overwhelmed.

Congrats on your 77 days!:You_Rock_

One of the things that has helped me with some of the anxiety and depression of early sobriety is keeping a gratitude and success list. I keep a notebook next to my bed, and every night before I go to sleep, I write down 3 things I am grateful for, and 3 things I succeeded at that day. They don't have to be huge things; for example, a gratitude might be for the mocha frappucino I got to enjoy at lunch time, and a success might be that I set aside my own agenda to listen to my 17 year old son tell me about his football practice. I'll have 90 days sober this coming Sunday, and about 90 days of gratitudes/successes. It is really, REALLY helpful to me to sit down and read all of them occasionally and to see that while my life isn't perfect, I do have so very much to be grateful for. At this early juncture, attitude is everything, and I can totally "reset" my attitude when I take myself out of my head/emotions and look at the good things I have going for me.

Might be worth a try to for you too. :)