|
Need input: regarding my husband in recovery Hi I am a regular poster over at friends and family My RAH has been sober 18 months. He was bad off for years, homeless, couch surfing, nearly went insane. The recovery is a blessing and we are all so proud and grateful. He goes to meetings on an as needed basis. Maybe one every other month. When he does he gets real clear and grounded for a few days, then sets back into strange thinking. He is now exhibiting what I call driven, manic behavior. He is workaholic. Obssesed with his credit, new cars, newer, better, bigger jobs, is anxious and relentless in pursuing a house to buy. I understand, he is trying to catch up. My concern is his terrible judgement and talk down of me and anyone else who questions him in any way. I rent, which he says is trashy, and he is going to "rescue " our son from the poverty I brought him to...hmmm. I supported our son soley for five years during RAH 8 years under the influence. Our sone is almost 8. He contributes a set sum each month, but must act as if he is solely supporting us. I pay half of everything. I had to put him out. His drive and obssession with money and acquisition has alienated my son and myself, mainly because of the total lack of emotional concern or connection. He is taking meds, unsupervised, for anxiety and I believe bi polar disorder, but will not admit to a diagnosis. (none of my business...he says). |
Not everything gets "fixed" when we get sober OR recovered. A lot of people have issues far beyond the addiction piece. I'm sure you've learned a lot about having boundaries in your life, I have them too.. and they don't revolve around addiction but a more global view of what I will and will not tolerate in my life. That would include people that I find toxic to me, to my child, to my serenity. Regardless of his sobriety, it sounds like he has a lot of other 'stuff' to work on, and doesn't seem that he's willing to. That seems like a continued chaotic life for all three of you, and it's admirable that you've taken steps to distance yourself, and your son. |
Originally Posted by Buffalo66
(Post 3419779)
Hi I am a regular poster over at friends and family My RAH has been sober 18 months. He was bad off for years, homeless, couch surfing, nearly went insane. The recovery is a blessing and we are all so proud and grateful. He goes to meetings on an as needed basis. Maybe one every other month. When he does he gets real clear and grounded for a few days, then sets back into strange thinking. He is now exhibiting what I call driven, manic behavior. He is workaholic. Obssesed with his credit, new cars, newer, better, bigger jobs, is anxious and relentless in pursuing a house to buy. I understand, he is trying to catch up. My concern is his terrible judgement and talk down of me and anyone else who questions him in any way. I rent, which he says is trashy, and he is going to "rescue " our son from the poverty I brought him to...hmmm. I supported our son soley for five years during RAH 8 years under the influence. Our sone is almost 8. He contributes a set sum each month, but must act as if he is solely supporting us. I pay half of everything. I had to put him out. His drive and obssession with money and acquisition has alienated my son and myself, mainly because of the total lack of emotional concern or connection. He is taking meds, unsupervised, for anxiety and I believe bi polar disorder, but will not admit to a diagnosis. (none of my business...he says). Do you attend Al-Anon meetings ?? All the best. Bob R |
One meeting every other month isn't much in the way of recovery. Does he have a sponsor and network of friends? The solution is in the steps. Al Anon may help you to keep the focus on you. I am personally glad you put him out. Hugs & love, |
Sorry to know of this situation...and glad you are not putting up with actions that disturb your peace. All my best as you continue to move forward..:yup: |
Hmm. Well, he sounds like he has anxiety, so that diagnosis makes sense. I am not a medical professional though so I don't know, I am just basing it off what you said in your post. A lot of us anxious people try to drink to self-medicate, and when we take the drinking away the anxious or obsessive behavior doesn't necessarily stop. Sometimes it even gets worse for awhile before it gets better. Good for you for setting boundaries and sticking to them. |
glad ya made a decision for YOU!!!! He goes to meetings on an as needed basis. Maybe one every other month. When he does he gets real clear and grounded for a few days, then sets back into strange thinking. hhhhmmmm... i think i see the problem.....and the solution. |
For this alcoholic, one or two meetings every other month would be like a diabetic taking insulin only when I feel bad or getting an oil change done only whe my car sputters.. I know when I'm not going to meetings or working on the steps, it leaves a wide open door for unhealthy things to seep in. Resentment and obsessive thinking are just a couple. I have to take a look at myself and work on MY inventory instead of taking other people's. Usually, things I may not like in other people remind me of myself.. past or present. Sounds like this may be what he is doing. Good for you for not cosigning his nonsense. Keep up the good work and hang in there. |
Have you looked into any other options? 12 step only works for a minority. Maybe that means you too. |
He is what's called a "dry drunk". Unless we also tackle our psychological problems we think the same as we did when we used. If he won't go to AA then try something else -- cognitive therapy works well. I've also heard it called "trading up addictions." We don't stop being alcoholics because we don't drink anymore. "You can't turn a pickle back into a cucumber" AA's big book says "drinking is but a symptom". What happens is constant drinking affects the mind, it changes the way we think. |
Thanks all for taking the time to respond. Yes, I do go to alanon. NO, I am not a saint, LOL. I do not /have not taken all that sitting down, so to speak. BUt, I have tried to be mainly supportive and make clear I can help him if he is helping himself, and if it is available to me and my energy level. This new phase was exhausting me, and I need that energy for myself and our son. So, yes. Dry drunk was my thought. And perhaps some mental issues. Sigh. I have been at this for a long time. Its tough when the meetings help him, but he doesnt keep it up. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. bless you |
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:14 PM. |