My baby graduated and her father died
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
My baby graduated and her father died
My first instinct is to post this over in the AA forum because that's what I am, an AAer. Second thought is that it may do more good here. I have my own specific difficulties with it that I can take next door.
"There's no easy way to tell you this..."
I've started sentences that way with my daughter in the past, when her grandparents and pets were dying, when we were moving and she'd be going to a new school. She's the youngest, she was set to graduate high school in two more days, and I was telling her that her father had died. Not just died, but that he had taken his own life. Not just that he had taken his own life, but that he had pushed away so many people in his life and his world had become so small that it was at twelve days before anyone found his body.
Now for why I'm posting this here instead of the AA forum. "D," my daughter's biological father, my former spouse, was trying to get sober. I knew he was trying and had some level of willingness because at Christmas time, for the first time since I've been remarried, he came to see her and came further than the mudroom door, right into the dining room and sat with us, eating cookies and talking about trying to get sober. He'd gone back to church. He quit going to the bars.
He admitted to me a long time ago, not long after I got sober, that he knew he was alcoholic. He admitted it again around Christmas. I talked with him about how tough it was to do alone, as did my husband. We told him a little about the process we went through. We offered our help. I suggested meetings, suggested he meet with some of the sober guys I know on his side of the mountain. He thanked us and said he'd think about it and assured us that for right now, he was okay. We talked on the phone a few times, and we had some of the best conversations we'd had in years. I felt relief that I didn't have to screen his calls to our daughter. She'd asked when she was ten or eleven that I not make her talk with him when he had been drinking. That had also been the rule for visits and overnights--thus, she'd only spent one night with him in the previous eight years. He wasn't ready to have her at the house yet, he said. His mother had died seven months before, and he'd kind of let the place go. He needed some time to get the place back in shape.
Then he drank again, and I was back to screening calls. Sometimes, he'd lie to me and tell me there was another reason he was slurring his words (med change, dental work), but other times, he'd just tell me how he'd f*cked up again, that's just who he was, a f*uck up. When I could get a word in, I'd ask if he wanted help.
Less than two months ago, he called to tell me his life was over. He'd gotten a DUI. He was sure he would lose his job with the school district, one he'd had more than 20 years. I talked with him about the possibility that this could be a blessing in disguise--could be the bottom he needed to get well. Talked about how I was sure my life was over, too, and look what happened. He told me he was scared straight. I told him that doesn't work long for alcoholics in my experience. I asked him if he was ready to go to a meeting. He said he was going to counseling, and thanks, but he'd be okay. I asked him to consider talking with a couple of my friends, guys he probably already knew from the old neighborhood. Good guys. He said he'd think about it. I set up a 12-step call and had them standing by. I called him back. No, he said, thanks, but I'm okay. I'm going to see this new guy. I'll let you know how it goes.
There's a lot more I could say, including what I think of the clinic's "empowerment" model, but I'll keep it to myself for now. Works for some people, I'm sure. Not for D.
Two days before my baby girl graduated from high school, I had to have the talk with her. The day after she graduated, I went with her to the funeral home where she had to sign a consent to have her father cremated. I am both angry and very sad that he came to the fork in the road and only saw one path. I knew things could be different for him. My daughter, having lived through me getting sober, knew things could be different for him. But he didn't know things could be different for him.
So...I'm putting this out there for those whose own way isn't working and you're thinking maybe it's time to give up. If someone offers a hand, take it, please? Maybe you think it won't work, and maybe it won't work, but don't let your fear and your pride keep you from it. Because if it's worked for someone else, you're not all that unique. It may work for you.
Thanks for letting me share.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
"There's no easy way to tell you this..."
I've started sentences that way with my daughter in the past, when her grandparents and pets were dying, when we were moving and she'd be going to a new school. She's the youngest, she was set to graduate high school in two more days, and I was telling her that her father had died. Not just died, but that he had taken his own life. Not just that he had taken his own life, but that he had pushed away so many people in his life and his world had become so small that it was at twelve days before anyone found his body.
Now for why I'm posting this here instead of the AA forum. "D," my daughter's biological father, my former spouse, was trying to get sober. I knew he was trying and had some level of willingness because at Christmas time, for the first time since I've been remarried, he came to see her and came further than the mudroom door, right into the dining room and sat with us, eating cookies and talking about trying to get sober. He'd gone back to church. He quit going to the bars.
He admitted to me a long time ago, not long after I got sober, that he knew he was alcoholic. He admitted it again around Christmas. I talked with him about how tough it was to do alone, as did my husband. We told him a little about the process we went through. We offered our help. I suggested meetings, suggested he meet with some of the sober guys I know on his side of the mountain. He thanked us and said he'd think about it and assured us that for right now, he was okay. We talked on the phone a few times, and we had some of the best conversations we'd had in years. I felt relief that I didn't have to screen his calls to our daughter. She'd asked when she was ten or eleven that I not make her talk with him when he had been drinking. That had also been the rule for visits and overnights--thus, she'd only spent one night with him in the previous eight years. He wasn't ready to have her at the house yet, he said. His mother had died seven months before, and he'd kind of let the place go. He needed some time to get the place back in shape.
Then he drank again, and I was back to screening calls. Sometimes, he'd lie to me and tell me there was another reason he was slurring his words (med change, dental work), but other times, he'd just tell me how he'd f*cked up again, that's just who he was, a f*uck up. When I could get a word in, I'd ask if he wanted help.
Less than two months ago, he called to tell me his life was over. He'd gotten a DUI. He was sure he would lose his job with the school district, one he'd had more than 20 years. I talked with him about the possibility that this could be a blessing in disguise--could be the bottom he needed to get well. Talked about how I was sure my life was over, too, and look what happened. He told me he was scared straight. I told him that doesn't work long for alcoholics in my experience. I asked him if he was ready to go to a meeting. He said he was going to counseling, and thanks, but he'd be okay. I asked him to consider talking with a couple of my friends, guys he probably already knew from the old neighborhood. Good guys. He said he'd think about it. I set up a 12-step call and had them standing by. I called him back. No, he said, thanks, but I'm okay. I'm going to see this new guy. I'll let you know how it goes.
There's a lot more I could say, including what I think of the clinic's "empowerment" model, but I'll keep it to myself for now. Works for some people, I'm sure. Not for D.
Two days before my baby girl graduated from high school, I had to have the talk with her. The day after she graduated, I went with her to the funeral home where she had to sign a consent to have her father cremated. I am both angry and very sad that he came to the fork in the road and only saw one path. I knew things could be different for him. My daughter, having lived through me getting sober, knew things could be different for him. But he didn't know things could be different for him.
So...I'm putting this out there for those whose own way isn't working and you're thinking maybe it's time to give up. If someone offers a hand, take it, please? Maybe you think it won't work, and maybe it won't work, but don't let your fear and your pride keep you from it. Because if it's worked for someone else, you're not all that unique. It may work for you.
Thanks for letting me share.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
Addiction sucks. I'm so sorry that you and your little girl have had to face this harsh reality. Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life journey with us, a very strong reminder of just how deadly this is, and how the pain of being an addict reverberates into the lives of all who care about us.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
I'm so sorry for you & your daughters loss Sugah - this thing really is relentless 
I thank you for taking the time out to share this tho - but then I'd expect no less.
and...many congratulations to your daughter too.
She deserves kudos
D
I thank you for taking the time out to share this tho - but then I'd expect no less.
and...many congratulations to your daughter too.
She deserves kudos
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
Thanks for sharing Sugah. Sorry of you and your little girls loss. Especially for your little girl,when this should be a happy time in her life.
I think a lot of us here understand the feeling that comes with a DUI. The overwhelming feeling that you just dug yourself into a hole you can't get out of.
But taking ones own life just isn't the answer,no matter how bad things look.
May he rest in peace.
Fred
I think a lot of us here understand the feeling that comes with a DUI. The overwhelming feeling that you just dug yourself into a hole you can't get out of.
But taking ones own life just isn't the answer,no matter how bad things look.
May he rest in peace.
Fred
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 879
Sugah, thank you so much for posting that. I am so sorry for what you & your daughter have gone through & will continue to deal with. It is so important to hear just what this disease is capable of. Best wishes to you both.:ghug3
SoberOutlook
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
Thank you for your post, Sugah. It was a tragic reminder of how alone and despondent this disease can make us. Even when people are reaching out and caring, we can be alone. Your post is a powerful testament to the miracle of AA. It reminded me of why I attend meetings. And that I need to lower my defenses with others, both alcoholics and non.
My condolences to you and your daughter, and prayers for all three of you.
My condolences to you and your daughter, and prayers for all three of you.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
Stories like this need to be told. They need to be told because there are many out there who think they need to do this all by themselves, when in fact the best way is with the help of other formerly hopeless drunks.
My sympathies, and prayers, are with you and your family.
My sympathies, and prayers, are with you and your family.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
I should also mention that my daughter has two brothers who share the same father with her. I raised these boys for 3/4 of a decade, and I've always considered them my sons even though we were kept apart after the split. The younger of the two got engaged the day before their father's body was found and the older one is getting married next month. These boys came together and buoyed their little sister, making sure her graduation was a night of celebration. I'm awed and honored to have been involved in the lives of these young men.
Thank you for your prayers and condolences. Thank you just as much if not more in considering where this can end up if not arrested.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Thank you for your prayers and condolences. Thank you just as much if not more in considering where this can end up if not arrested.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I'm so very sorry. I'm also a recovering alcoholic and have heard too many stories like this. We're powerless over people, the disease of alcoholism. No one knows why some people can get sober while others can't. My best friend in sobriety (we came in 20+ years ago) had similar experience except it was her step son who committed suicide after six years sober. Left behind a new wife and six month old baby.
My sympathy to you, your daughter and the rest of the family.
My sympathy to you, your daughter and the rest of the family.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
So sorry to hear your news Sugah. This is the reality for the real alcoholic who, for reasons known only to himself and God, doesn't get our message despite our best efforts.
It's hard to accept, but sometimes there are blessings too. He no longer suffers, and his children are reunited. And your story will help many I am sure. Than you so much for sharing with us, and my prayers go out to you and your family.
It's hard to accept, but sometimes there are blessings too. He no longer suffers, and his children are reunited. And your story will help many I am sure. Than you so much for sharing with us, and my prayers go out to you and your family.
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