First post!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 2
First post!!
Hi everyone! I have been lurking on this forum for a few weeks. Reading everyone's stories has really enlightened and inspired me, and I have decided to share my own.
I've been struggling with alcoholism for what I guess would be several years now, although it's hard to pinpoint exactly when I crossed over from a normal social drinker to actually having a serious problem. I began my drinking career in high school like anyone else, would party some weekends, go back to my life and think nothing of it. I went to a huge party college, where binge drinking was the norm. It was probably around this point where I started to develop unhealthy drinking habits, but never really noticed it since it was what everybody did. Getting wasted and making questionable sexual decisions, urinating in public, passing out in random places and just generally doing stupid things didn't make me an alcoholic. Many would say I was just having a typical college experience. We'd just laugh about it tomorrow. Plus, at this point I was still a happy drunk and for the most part was having fun. Serious blackouts were rare and I didn't experience many negative consequences aside from being hungover for class the next day. I still graduated with a 3.6 average. I was golden.
After college, things began to get weird. I continued the same level of partying, but was gradually becoming a whole different kind of drunk. I would sometimes become depressed and emotional when I drank. Blacking out was becoming more common as my tolerance increased and I required more alcohol to get drunk. And then for whatever reason I'd just keep drinking. It was like after a certain point of intoxication I didn't have control anymore. It was like my body was telling me "hey, if one shot makes you feel good, ten shots are gonna make you feel awesomeee!" And of course it would make me feel the opposite of awesome. I'd feel good briefly, and then quickly crash and spiral into a weird, emotional depressed state, and then drink more to chase the buzz. It would never come back, and then I'd be blacked out and acting completely bizarre. Alcohol was the primary issue, but it wasn't uncommon for me to mix in weed, various prescription drugs or coke, depending on the night. I'd wake up not hungover, but twitching and withdrawing and sometimes some mild hallucinations, and would have no problem drinking more just so I could get on with my day. I could keep this pattern going for days on end. I discovered work went by a lot faster while drunk as well. It's unclear how I still have a job, since I've been drunk there on numerous occasions. I started losing things and putting myself in awkward or embarassing or even dangerous situations. I'd wake up in the morning and think about my night out before not with a smile on my face, but concerned that I had done something to offend someone or embarass myself in my inebriated state the night before. They're what I've been calling my "oh sh*t" moments.
For example, one time I went out after work with my coworkers. We had a limo pick us up, take us to the party and then drop us back off in the parking lot. I knew I would have to drive myself home and said I wasn't going to drink much. The next morning I woke up in my car in the parking lot. I didn't remember how I got there, but at least I hadn't driven anywhere. I was lucky enough that I hadn't made that decision, but as drunk as I was I knew that I easily could have. Oh sh*t!
I had many other "oh sh*t" moments in addition to that, yet for some reason nothing changed. I would tell myself I'd learned my lesson, and that next time I go out it won't be like that, I'll have control, that it was no longer a good look for someone my age to be partying and carrying on to such a ridiculous extent. Yet the next time I'd go out, it'd be the same story. I'd wake up and go "oh sh*t".
I made a few halfhearted attempts to cut back and even quit since then, but it has been difficult just because drinking is so acceptable as a form of socializing and it's so easy to convince yourself that you'll be fine. Just about all of my friends drink. Most are not problem drinkers, but many of their social activities involve drinking nonetheless. Going out to dinner, going to the bar after work, the typical going out on weekends, etc. Alcohol is always involved. And the fact of the matter is, unless they've had a personal struggle with addiction themselves, they'll never understand why you don't want to drink, or why you can't just have a few here and there, or what's the harm in just going out and partying for one night. They'll bug you and pressure you to drink the entire time. You just end up feeling really isolated. And worse are the friends who do have a drinking problem. Because if you try to explain to them why you have a problem and don't want to drink, they'll be extra firm in their attempts to convince you you're fine. Because if you have a problem, it implies that they have a problem.
Over the past month or so, I have increased my resolve to change my partying ways, because I had my biggest "oh sh*t" moment yet. I have been dating the most awesome man. I love him and care about him and see him in my future. He's seen me drunk before, and we have been drunk together, and it never before caused problems in our relationship. Since meeting him I have actually been drinking much less, since I'm more content to stay home and have a night I actually remember with him then go out. But one night I met up with him after having been out drinking with my girlfriends all day. All morning I had been excited to see him, but by the time I did I was totally drunk and belligerent. I don't remember much about what was said, but I remember just feeling very angry and upset and yelling random things at him. I was straight up verbally abusive for no reason at all, and this terrified me. I had done a lot of regrettable things while drunk, but I had never been angry or mean, especially towards someone I love. I couldn't understand why I would do that, and when he told me what I had done it broke my heart. I didn't think that it would ever happen again. But it did, and I lashed out at him on several more occasions. Obviously he has decided that he can't trust me or be with me, no matter how much I apologize. I lost the person that I love the most. And that has been the worst "oh sh*t" moment of all.
I think that many addicts reach a point where they become hostile, because any enjoyment they have from using their drug of choice has worn off and they are just so disgusted with themselves that they take it out on whoever is around them. This is the only explanation I have for my behavior, and if this is the case then it's definitely time to get it together. Abusing myself is one thing, but abusing others is completely unacceptable. I have been making a conscious effort not to go out over the past month, and it's been going pretty well. I have a lot of depression and anxiety now however, and I'm not sure if that's because my brain isn't used to being without its steady diet of alcohol or if it has to do with my recent breakup and the fact that it was entirely my fault. Right now I'm just focusing on myself and how I can become a better person and understand why I do the things that I do. My plan is to start filling the void in my life that used to be filled with partying by doing positive things. I'm taking a second job just to keep myself busy, earn some extra money and give myself an excuse not to go out. I'm joining a gym because I used to be very active but haven't worked out in years, and could use the boost of endorphins. I haven't talked to many people about my actual recovery yet, it's sort of just been an unspoken shift I've been making in life. Joining this forum has been my first step in actually discussing my journey. Wish me luck!!
I've been struggling with alcoholism for what I guess would be several years now, although it's hard to pinpoint exactly when I crossed over from a normal social drinker to actually having a serious problem. I began my drinking career in high school like anyone else, would party some weekends, go back to my life and think nothing of it. I went to a huge party college, where binge drinking was the norm. It was probably around this point where I started to develop unhealthy drinking habits, but never really noticed it since it was what everybody did. Getting wasted and making questionable sexual decisions, urinating in public, passing out in random places and just generally doing stupid things didn't make me an alcoholic. Many would say I was just having a typical college experience. We'd just laugh about it tomorrow. Plus, at this point I was still a happy drunk and for the most part was having fun. Serious blackouts were rare and I didn't experience many negative consequences aside from being hungover for class the next day. I still graduated with a 3.6 average. I was golden.
After college, things began to get weird. I continued the same level of partying, but was gradually becoming a whole different kind of drunk. I would sometimes become depressed and emotional when I drank. Blacking out was becoming more common as my tolerance increased and I required more alcohol to get drunk. And then for whatever reason I'd just keep drinking. It was like after a certain point of intoxication I didn't have control anymore. It was like my body was telling me "hey, if one shot makes you feel good, ten shots are gonna make you feel awesomeee!" And of course it would make me feel the opposite of awesome. I'd feel good briefly, and then quickly crash and spiral into a weird, emotional depressed state, and then drink more to chase the buzz. It would never come back, and then I'd be blacked out and acting completely bizarre. Alcohol was the primary issue, but it wasn't uncommon for me to mix in weed, various prescription drugs or coke, depending on the night. I'd wake up not hungover, but twitching and withdrawing and sometimes some mild hallucinations, and would have no problem drinking more just so I could get on with my day. I could keep this pattern going for days on end. I discovered work went by a lot faster while drunk as well. It's unclear how I still have a job, since I've been drunk there on numerous occasions. I started losing things and putting myself in awkward or embarassing or even dangerous situations. I'd wake up in the morning and think about my night out before not with a smile on my face, but concerned that I had done something to offend someone or embarass myself in my inebriated state the night before. They're what I've been calling my "oh sh*t" moments.
For example, one time I went out after work with my coworkers. We had a limo pick us up, take us to the party and then drop us back off in the parking lot. I knew I would have to drive myself home and said I wasn't going to drink much. The next morning I woke up in my car in the parking lot. I didn't remember how I got there, but at least I hadn't driven anywhere. I was lucky enough that I hadn't made that decision, but as drunk as I was I knew that I easily could have. Oh sh*t!
I had many other "oh sh*t" moments in addition to that, yet for some reason nothing changed. I would tell myself I'd learned my lesson, and that next time I go out it won't be like that, I'll have control, that it was no longer a good look for someone my age to be partying and carrying on to such a ridiculous extent. Yet the next time I'd go out, it'd be the same story. I'd wake up and go "oh sh*t".
I made a few halfhearted attempts to cut back and even quit since then, but it has been difficult just because drinking is so acceptable as a form of socializing and it's so easy to convince yourself that you'll be fine. Just about all of my friends drink. Most are not problem drinkers, but many of their social activities involve drinking nonetheless. Going out to dinner, going to the bar after work, the typical going out on weekends, etc. Alcohol is always involved. And the fact of the matter is, unless they've had a personal struggle with addiction themselves, they'll never understand why you don't want to drink, or why you can't just have a few here and there, or what's the harm in just going out and partying for one night. They'll bug you and pressure you to drink the entire time. You just end up feeling really isolated. And worse are the friends who do have a drinking problem. Because if you try to explain to them why you have a problem and don't want to drink, they'll be extra firm in their attempts to convince you you're fine. Because if you have a problem, it implies that they have a problem.
Over the past month or so, I have increased my resolve to change my partying ways, because I had my biggest "oh sh*t" moment yet. I have been dating the most awesome man. I love him and care about him and see him in my future. He's seen me drunk before, and we have been drunk together, and it never before caused problems in our relationship. Since meeting him I have actually been drinking much less, since I'm more content to stay home and have a night I actually remember with him then go out. But one night I met up with him after having been out drinking with my girlfriends all day. All morning I had been excited to see him, but by the time I did I was totally drunk and belligerent. I don't remember much about what was said, but I remember just feeling very angry and upset and yelling random things at him. I was straight up verbally abusive for no reason at all, and this terrified me. I had done a lot of regrettable things while drunk, but I had never been angry or mean, especially towards someone I love. I couldn't understand why I would do that, and when he told me what I had done it broke my heart. I didn't think that it would ever happen again. But it did, and I lashed out at him on several more occasions. Obviously he has decided that he can't trust me or be with me, no matter how much I apologize. I lost the person that I love the most. And that has been the worst "oh sh*t" moment of all.
I think that many addicts reach a point where they become hostile, because any enjoyment they have from using their drug of choice has worn off and they are just so disgusted with themselves that they take it out on whoever is around them. This is the only explanation I have for my behavior, and if this is the case then it's definitely time to get it together. Abusing myself is one thing, but abusing others is completely unacceptable. I have been making a conscious effort not to go out over the past month, and it's been going pretty well. I have a lot of depression and anxiety now however, and I'm not sure if that's because my brain isn't used to being without its steady diet of alcohol or if it has to do with my recent breakup and the fact that it was entirely my fault. Right now I'm just focusing on myself and how I can become a better person and understand why I do the things that I do. My plan is to start filling the void in my life that used to be filled with partying by doing positive things. I'm taking a second job just to keep myself busy, earn some extra money and give myself an excuse not to go out. I'm joining a gym because I used to be very active but haven't worked out in years, and could use the boost of endorphins. I haven't talked to many people about my actual recovery yet, it's sort of just been an unspoken shift I've been making in life. Joining this forum has been my first step in actually discussing my journey. Wish me luck!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: North America
Posts: 1,628
"I went to a huge party college, where binge drinking was the norm....It's unclear how I still have a job, since I've been drunk there on numerous occasions."
Our universites are more concerend with distracting the youth and teaching them what to think instead of arming them for the world and teaching them how to think.
"Abusing myself is one thing, but abusing others is completely unacceptable"
Man, I like you already. Welcome to SR~~~!
Our universites are more concerend with distracting the youth and teaching them what to think instead of arming them for the world and teaching them how to think.
"Abusing myself is one thing, but abusing others is completely unacceptable"
Man, I like you already. Welcome to SR~~~!
Guest
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Iowa
Posts: 675
I have taken my own path but god have I been there and done that! For me it has helped to have some support but there are different ways to do this. The most important part is to not drink or use. For me the first thing that diminished was the self loathing. It was nice to wake up and not think horrible things about myself or worry what I had done because I remembered. Other stuff took a bit longer but I have had help from my wife and this site. I did as you did and hung around the edges for a while reading about others. It helped a lot in making myself feel better about myself and knowing that others were making it.
The physical pain and withdrawls are gone now after 22 days and have been gone for a while. Still struggling to sleep as shown by the fact that, once again I am here typing.
The physical pain and withdrawls are gone now after 22 days and have been gone for a while. Still struggling to sleep as shown by the fact that, once again I am here typing.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,366
Hi noodl 
yeah I got to a point where I wasn't happy - and often nasty - drunk or sober...I watched my world shrink down to my little 2 room apartment...
it wasn't the life I wanted to lead or the man I wanted to be...
Life's a lot better now
glad you found us
D
yeah I got to a point where I wasn't happy - and often nasty - drunk or sober...I watched my world shrink down to my little 2 room apartment...
it wasn't the life I wanted to lead or the man I wanted to be...
Life's a lot better now
glad you found us
D
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
When my drinking turned me into a woman I detested...I joined AA
and discovered how fantastic a lifestyle recovery can bring...
I too was a blackout drinker for years...I can relate to that dangerous
and scary part of your history.
Thanks for jjoining the shareing side of SR...welcome...
and discovered how fantastic a lifestyle recovery can bring...
I too was a blackout drinker for years...I can relate to that dangerous
and scary part of your history.
Thanks for jjoining the shareing side of SR...welcome...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
I think most of us here know about those "oh sh*t moments". And the best way to make them stop is to stop drinking.
For an alcoholic not taking the first drink has to be job#1. If we do that things will start to fall back into place. It takes time and effort. But it pays off bigtime in the long run.
The first few months emotions will be all over the place. The #1 thing is to not take the first drink. Looking forward,just a month seems like an eternity. But when a month goes by looking back will seem like yesterday. That is what addiction does. That is why we take it one day,and even one minute at a time.
I also used to think most people drink,and the best way to fit in was to "join the crowd". But once I stopped and the dust settled,I realized just how many people seldom drink. And some never even touch the stuff. But the fact is,when I was "partying". I had no desire to be around people like that. They are all boring,and aren't any fun. Who wants to be around a bunch of nerds. But like I say,when the dust settled. I realized that just isn't true.
I bet you can think of a group of people in your college days that didn't drink. Who the hell wanted to be around them. I didn't go to college,but if I did,those were the last people you would have found me with.
Something to think about.
I wish you the best.
Fred
For an alcoholic not taking the first drink has to be job#1. If we do that things will start to fall back into place. It takes time and effort. But it pays off bigtime in the long run.
The first few months emotions will be all over the place. The #1 thing is to not take the first drink. Looking forward,just a month seems like an eternity. But when a month goes by looking back will seem like yesterday. That is what addiction does. That is why we take it one day,and even one minute at a time.
I also used to think most people drink,and the best way to fit in was to "join the crowd". But once I stopped and the dust settled,I realized just how many people seldom drink. And some never even touch the stuff. But the fact is,when I was "partying". I had no desire to be around people like that. They are all boring,and aren't any fun. Who wants to be around a bunch of nerds. But like I say,when the dust settled. I realized that just isn't true.
I bet you can think of a group of people in your college days that didn't drink. Who the hell wanted to be around them. I didn't go to college,but if I did,those were the last people you would have found me with.
Something to think about.
I wish you the best.
Fred
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,886
Hi Noodl, welcome to SR.
Originally Posted by noodl 
Right now I'm just focusing on myself and how I can become a better person and understand why I do the things that I do.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Vashon WA
Posts: 1,035
Oxyfiend is totally correct, imho, the first thing to go, alongside the hangovers is that wretched "dread" feeling. I still love NOT feeling that, even after 7 months. Nevertheless is also very wise.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
noodl, you would likely find yourself right at home at an AA meeting.
It gives me a sense of forgiveness and understanding to hear my story told by others at the meetings when I thought that I was "special" or "different".
All the best.
Bob R
It gives me a sense of forgiveness and understanding to hear my story told by others at the meetings when I thought that I was "special" or "different".
All the best.
Bob R
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 2
Wow, look at all these replies! Thanks so much everyone for your support! You guys are very right. My roommates invited me out last night, and I declined, determined to stick to my new, more positive lifestyle. It surprised me how easy it was to say no. Today I woke up before noon, not hungover or filled with anxiety about what I had done the night before. I'm gonna go outside and enjoy the beautiful day instead of staying in bed and sleeping off the withdrawal, and then go to work where I can kick *ss and not have to make excuses to everyone for the millionth time about why I'm so tired and useless. Or worse, still drunk. And my hair will actually look good, instead of looking like it hasn't been showered for two days.
One big thing I've been realizing is how much I've missed out on over the past few years by making partying such a priority in my life. Most of my free time was consumed by going out, and I had no space left to pursue my other hobbies, dreams and goals. I used to enjoy playing sports, and painting, and acting, and music, and writing, and just taking time to enjoy the simple pleasures and beauty of being alive. It seems like forever since I had done any of that. The partying had just taken over and left no room for anything else. If I knew I had the day off the next day, I would automatically go out that night, and my day off would be spent sleeping off a hangover. I used to think that people who didn't drink much must have no life, but have come to realize that I had become the one with no life!
One big thing I've been realizing is how much I've missed out on over the past few years by making partying such a priority in my life. Most of my free time was consumed by going out, and I had no space left to pursue my other hobbies, dreams and goals. I used to enjoy playing sports, and painting, and acting, and music, and writing, and just taking time to enjoy the simple pleasures and beauty of being alive. It seems like forever since I had done any of that. The partying had just taken over and left no room for anything else. If I knew I had the day off the next day, I would automatically go out that night, and my day off would be spent sleeping off a hangover. I used to think that people who didn't drink much must have no life, but have come to realize that I had become the one with no life!
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