In need of advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 6
In need of advice
Alcohol has caused so many problems in my life and recently after a DUI it really came to light that I had a drinking problem. One was never enough, I needed to drink beyond the point of a buzz, blacking out moments were common and normal for a night of drinking for me. After the DUI, I had it with myself and quit drinking for good. I was ordered to take a class and learned so much about alcoholism and all this information I learned pushed me to take a look at myself and the people in my life.
My father has been an alcoholic for as long as I could remember. I have memories from my childhood of my father reeking of alcohol, forcing me to listen to his lectures, arguing with my mom.. so many negative memories of alcohol. I remember as a child promising myself that I would never smoke cigarettes or drink alcohol.. and here I am, for the past 5-6 years I've been smoking and drinking. It baffles me, but I am determined to change. I am concerned about my father. He is almost reaching 60 and he is still drinking and smoking. I don't know how to confront my dad to quit drinking. When I ask him to please try and consider quitting.. I know he has the desire but it's not enough to really try. I know he needs to do it for himself, but how do I get him to see that?
Even with my exbf, I used to stay up worried about him being out and drinking. When I thought I had a drinking problem, I met him and he drank a lot more than I did and much more frequently. We used to drink together until my DUI and after that it just went downhill. I don't know how to approach or deal or organize or try and fix this problem, this hurt, this addiction that they have to alcohol. I thought just loving them and showing them that I love them would make them want to change, would just be that catalyst for change.. but I just find myself compromising myself and undermining my own self-worth. I don't know how to deal and I am so frustrated. The two boys that I love in my life are so consumed with alcohol and I feel so helpless as to helping them. How do I help without letting it consume my life? I feel so guilty if I were to just turn a blind eye and that is what is did with the ex, I broke up with him because I couldn't deal with it.. but I can't do that with my father. Should I go to Al-Anon? I don't know.. I really appreciate any advice given. Thank you.
My father has been an alcoholic for as long as I could remember. I have memories from my childhood of my father reeking of alcohol, forcing me to listen to his lectures, arguing with my mom.. so many negative memories of alcohol. I remember as a child promising myself that I would never smoke cigarettes or drink alcohol.. and here I am, for the past 5-6 years I've been smoking and drinking. It baffles me, but I am determined to change. I am concerned about my father. He is almost reaching 60 and he is still drinking and smoking. I don't know how to confront my dad to quit drinking. When I ask him to please try and consider quitting.. I know he has the desire but it's not enough to really try. I know he needs to do it for himself, but how do I get him to see that?
Even with my exbf, I used to stay up worried about him being out and drinking. When I thought I had a drinking problem, I met him and he drank a lot more than I did and much more frequently. We used to drink together until my DUI and after that it just went downhill. I don't know how to approach or deal or organize or try and fix this problem, this hurt, this addiction that they have to alcohol. I thought just loving them and showing them that I love them would make them want to change, would just be that catalyst for change.. but I just find myself compromising myself and undermining my own self-worth. I don't know how to deal and I am so frustrated. The two boys that I love in my life are so consumed with alcohol and I feel so helpless as to helping them. How do I help without letting it consume my life? I feel so guilty if I were to just turn a blind eye and that is what is did with the ex, I broke up with him because I couldn't deal with it.. but I can't do that with my father. Should I go to Al-Anon? I don't know.. I really appreciate any advice given. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
This post would probably be more suited to the Alcoholism forum.
I just think you should concentrate on yourself for the moment.
They will do what they will do.
You can only change yourself and for now, until you are stronger, that should be your focus.
Welcome to SR.
Also, there is an Adult children of alcoholics forum, which would be helpful.
I just think you should concentrate on yourself for the moment.
They will do what they will do.
You can only change yourself and for now, until you are stronger, that should be your focus.
Welcome to SR.
Also, there is an Adult children of alcoholics forum, which would be helpful.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
The three C's of your Dad and ABF's alcoholism:
You did not Cause it
You can not Control it
You will not Cure it
Right now, I recommend focusing on your own recovery. Be an example of solid recovery to others and maybe they will ask you how you turned your life around.
Best wishes as you continue your recovery.
The three C's of your Dad and ABF's alcoholism:
You did not Cause it
You can not Control it
You will not Cure it
Right now, I recommend focusing on your own recovery. Be an example of solid recovery to others and maybe they will ask you how you turned your life around.
Best wishes as you continue your recovery.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to our recovery community....and to the Alcoholism Forum...
I do think Al anon helped me immensely when I was dealing with family members
in active addiction....so Yes! please do get connected to your local group.
Glad to know you have quit drinking....all my best as you move forward...
I do think Al anon helped me immensely when I was dealing with family members
in active addiction....so Yes! please do get connected to your local group.
Glad to know you have quit drinking....all my best as you move forward...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
As was said above,the best way to do this is by example. If your father has been drinking that long,there really isn't anything you can say to make him change. But you might be able to make him envy what you have,and make him want it for himself. Or at least make him proud of you. Most of us alcoholics know we have a problem. And most of us realize how hard it is to quit. I myself tried hundreds of times before I stayed stopped. But the sad thing is for the most part,I just didn't care.
When it comes to alcoholism,the main thing is to focus on yourself. The other things will fall into place. But it all takes time,lots of time.
I wish you the best.
Fred
When it comes to alcoholism,the main thing is to focus on yourself. The other things will fall into place. But it all takes time,lots of time.
I wish you the best.
Fred
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 6
Thank you so much for the replies.
You guys are all so welcoming. You guys are right, I need to focus on myself right now.. it has been over 2 months of no drinking but I am still confused as to what I should do with myself now that I don't have drinking as a part of my life. Think I was jumping the gun with trying to fix or help the people in my life with a drinking problem.
I will work on myself -- building myself from the inside out and see where life goes from here. I do believe things will fall in place. Thank you <3
You guys are all so welcoming. You guys are right, I need to focus on myself right now.. it has been over 2 months of no drinking but I am still confused as to what I should do with myself now that I don't have drinking as a part of my life. Think I was jumping the gun with trying to fix or help the people in my life with a drinking problem.
I will work on myself -- building myself from the inside out and see where life goes from here. I do believe things will fall in place. Thank you <3
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
Have you gone to AA to find a sponsor who can guide you through the steps? Those steps changed my perspective and me in a positive way! Later on, you can go to Al Anon, but if you are serious about changing you, AA is a great beginning!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
recovering people pleasing/ co dependant/ alcoholic here. found out i was focusing on trying helping others to avoid lookin in the mirror and fixin myself. also found out i was an egomaniac with low self esteem. i hated myself and if i could do something to help someone, it would make them view me as a good person and that would make me feel gooder about myself. didnt work too good.had to work on fixin me, but i couldnt do it with my thinking. needed someone elses thinking.
the program and fellowship of AA did that. i still like to help others, but with right motives now. it can be a bugger to accept i cant help those that wont help themselves, but it only hurts me when i try.
one thing us alcoholics are good at running is the as* kickin machine, and it sounds like its time for ya to throw yers out. yer just a sick person, but there is a solution!!! and yer worth it!
the program and fellowship of AA did that. i still like to help others, but with right motives now. it can be a bugger to accept i cant help those that wont help themselves, but it only hurts me when i try.
one thing us alcoholics are good at running is the as* kickin machine, and it sounds like its time for ya to throw yers out. yer just a sick person, but there is a solution!!! and yer worth it!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
A huge part of AA is to help other alcoholics get,and stay sober. But as the words go. The serenity to accept the things we cannot change. The courage to change the things we can. And the wisdom to know the difference.
That fits sooo many situations if you break it down and think about it.
I had a huge empty spot after drinking for 30+years. I kept thinking about what am I going to do with out my "friend".
Well after all 's said and done. My drinking was CAUSING an empty spot. Once my addiction was gone I realized there just wasn't anything there. I think what I thought was an empty spot was just another way of booze trying to get it's foot back in the door. Habits are hard to break.
But hang in there. It most certainly does happen.
Fred
That fits sooo many situations if you break it down and think about it.
I had a huge empty spot after drinking for 30+years. I kept thinking about what am I going to do with out my "friend".
Well after all 's said and done. My drinking was CAUSING an empty spot. Once my addiction was gone I realized there just wasn't anything there. I think what I thought was an empty spot was just another way of booze trying to get it's foot back in the door. Habits are hard to break.
But hang in there. It most certainly does happen.
Fred
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