MissScarlett

I've had my sponsor for about 8 months now. Shortly after coming out of rehab, I knew I had to find someone to sponsor me. I had tried to stop drinking before, but never fully got into any sort of program. I dabbled in AA meetings, but never jumped into steps or the sponsorship thing.

When I got out of rehab, I made sponsorship a priority. I knew I had to be accountable. I waited a little bit of time, maybe a month, to find someone to mentor me. I picked someone who was about my age, had a decent amount of years of sobriety, and attended meetings in my area. She was also a very active member of her home group, which was a plus.

After 8 months though, I'm still not feeling it with her. She is a very sweet girl and takes her sobriety very seriously. She is very active and has many qualities I admire.

However, I just have a serious lack of connection with her. I do call her several times a week, but I never really feel comfortable opening up. We talk about big book work the steps, but I am so reserved in telling her what I'm really feeling emotionally. I don't think I will ever get to that point with her, although I know I am capable of it with others. It is really starting to weigh on me, as I'm bottling a lot up.

I've also just recently started a new job schedule and don't have much time to contact her anymore. Or at least during times where we can connect on the phone. When I do call her, I never get her personally. I always have to leave a voicemail and wait for a call back. She is busy, but that is getting a bit old too.

She is a nice person. We have worked through steps 1-3. But I'm unable to open up. I don't catch her much on the phone anymore. In fact, I'm not always even crazy about calling her.

I feel I want to move on. How do I tactfully do that? She's not a jerk or anything, I'm just not feeling "it". Can someone give me some advice?

I also don't want her to think I'm giving up on the program, since that is not the case.

I have just a bit over 10 months sobriety.

Help finding the right words?

UpperbucksAAguy

Thank her for her help, but tell her it is time to move on. YOu run this thing, not your sponsor

keepfinding2

Yeah, that time comes when it is time to say goodbye to your sponsor. This happened to me. It will go easier than you think. Just tell them that you can't do it anymore.

waw545

Sponsors no this, anytime you want to tell her that you dont need her help no more she will understand completely. But do think her for her help you will feel better.

aasharon90

As long as you are completely honest with
her and others, then you don't have anything
to worry about.

I see it as we are the ones to ask for what we
need in our own personal recovery. Sponsors
are there to help and guide you, and will always
be there to help if asked.

For me, i use the fellowship of many as my sponsee's
sharing my own ESH all the time with them. You
staying sober helps me to stay sober myself.

We kinda use each other giving and taking freely.

Justfor1

I had to fire a sponser once because he was always telling me what to do. He wouldn't really share his experience & strength. I felt like Donald Trump on that show when I said, "your fired". I felt pretty good about myself when I did it too.

awuh1

There is nothing wrong with changing sponsors. The question I have is why? What exactly is the problem? I think it’s best to be honest but if you don’t know yourself what the problem is perhaps it’s premature. Two things you might consider. You are about to move on to step 4. LOTS of people balk at starting this step. Could that be part of the problem? The second suggestion to consider is going to her without your mind made up, and present things as you see them. See how she responds. Then take it from there. Perhaps you can figure it out together. Perhaps not. Approached in this way it might be a little easier on her than not ever knowing what the problem really was, and never being given a chance to work on it.

sugarbear1

Be honest with her, but please get another sponsor before you break-up with your current sponsor. Are you sure you aren't holding back due to not attempting step 4? Are you being honest with yourself? I've changed sponsors in my past because of me, not them. Always around the 4th step time.

I wish you well!

recoverywfaith

Maybe pray about the right sponsor? Then when you have found another sponsor and they have accepted...converse with your current sponspor about your choice?

winslynn

Sometimes it works better if you pick someone older than you are.When I was younger,I found out the sponsee would stop relating if he was older than me.I would turn him over to someone older and it was better for him.
I've had 10 or 12 sponsors over the years,only a couple were really good at teaching the steps.Be careful of getting someone who you feel is less than you....just so you can say you have a sponsor.Guys have asked me to sponsor them then rebelled when I insisted they work the steps in a quick time frame[be well into the 9th step before one year].I know that the longer they put off doing the work the less likely that they will do it.The Pride comes in,you know...."I'm not a bad guy,I just drank too much,I'm not drinking anymore.I'm O.K."
That will kill you to think that,Oh!You won't say it out loud at a meeting or to the sponsor,but that is what they are thinking.
Good Luck to you.

RobbyRobot

Good sponsors already know some sponsees need to move on, and so good sponsors have no difficulty with such sponsees. You're not complaining about either her or yourself in a personal sense, so don't anticipate personal problems for either of you should you move on. Since you still have your 4th and remaining steps, its important to work with a sponsor who you can feel "it" with, and be fully connected in working those steps.

Sponsors are at the service of sponsees, and not the other way around. Sponsees have a responsibility to be honest and straight-forward with their sponsors of course, so go ahead and be honest. You might even ask her for any recommendations, and, don't feel like you have to find another sponsor before you let go of a sponsor you're admitting your not connecting with.

Bottom line, this is really about you. Completing the program is the essential and important task at hand, not the sponsor who helps and guides you through that completion. Work on the real task at hand.

Being recovered and completing the AA Way program is the single best motivator and goal for you to accomplish, and any good sponsor will happily move aside. Remember, of course, that your present sponsor helped you to be where you are today in your recovery, and so your gratitude for that accomplishment would be of great benefit to you and your present sponsor.

You seem like a very nice, thoughtful person yourself. Don't worry about changing sponsors, it happens routinely throughout the fellowship.

KathP

I actually had to go through a similar situation recently. And I dreaded telling my sponsor that I wanted to move on! I ended up thanking her for all her help in my recovery, and that I hoped I'd always be welcome to confide in her in the future, but I felt I needed a sponsor who I could see face-to-face more often. She agreed that might be better for my recovery, and we are still great friends. We didn't always "click" but she is very active, and set a great example for me.

Good luck -- it's not as terrible as you think it is.

LeanaJo

It was easy for me, because she started hanging around someone who didn't care of staying sober or working a program. So I just walked out. It was easy as that.

Jeb18

send him a break up text

TrudgeWithMe

I did this shortly after I got sober. My sponsor was a guy I met at first meeting, great guy, well respected in the community. At the end of the day, learning how to deal with these 'uncomfortable' situations and learning that they aren't a big deal and you will live through them are part of the life lessons / tools that keep you sober. Your sponsor cares about you and your sobriety, so if you don't feel that they are best suited to do the job, they care enough to understand that it's not personal, it's about keeping you alive and sane.

Upon having a few years under my belt, I can admit to myself that I did it to avoid being pushed to do my 4th step. I was terrified to do my 4th and that's how I justified 'firing' my sponsor. So, I can't say I did it for the 'right' reasons.