Biggest scare yet.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 145
Biggest scare yet.
I literally left my house and was on the way to the liquor store tonight. I had decided that I was going to drink, that this was it. I wanted it more than anything. A part of me was telling myself that I was just going to get a bottle as an "emergency only" measure, or that it would be good for my recovery because I wouldn't drink it and I'd be able to dump it out. I kept telling myself anything to convince myself to get a bottle. I was out the door and walking to the store and at the last minute, I decided to take a different route to Subway and get a sandwich with the money I had for a pint.
Last night I searched the house for booze and I have a feeling I would have drank had I found any. I don't know. Maybe I wouldn't have. But the cravings are getting worse. This is the first time I've been that close.
When I got home, I turned on the radio and the first song that comes on is some damn Nickelback song that is blatantly about getting wasted. You'd think this would **** me off but it was actually hilarious, in a way. I just laughed it off.
It's hard to feel good about this when I know I'm going to be up all night feeling as bad as I did last night, and I might be wishing I had gotten that pint of vodka. And tomorrow night I might have to go though the same thing all over again. I feel like I'm going to end up relapsing any day now, so dodging one night means nothing. I don't know. It's getting harder.
Last night I searched the house for booze and I have a feeling I would have drank had I found any. I don't know. Maybe I wouldn't have. But the cravings are getting worse. This is the first time I've been that close.
When I got home, I turned on the radio and the first song that comes on is some damn Nickelback song that is blatantly about getting wasted. You'd think this would **** me off but it was actually hilarious, in a way. I just laughed it off.
It's hard to feel good about this when I know I'm going to be up all night feeling as bad as I did last night, and I might be wishing I had gotten that pint of vodka. And tomorrow night I might have to go though the same thing all over again. I feel like I'm going to end up relapsing any day now, so dodging one night means nothing. I don't know. It's getting harder.
Choosing Life
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
Noro, relapses rarely come out of the blue. And in some ways, we actually plan them, however subconsciously. If you get yourself into the mindset that yes, you ARE going to relapse, then you will. No question about it. The challenge lies in redirecting all of that energy into something constructive and being very clear with yourself that drinking is not an option. Period.
I know you've had a few health scares lately ... maybe you're feeling better these days and you're thinking "one or two won't hurt, and then I'll get back on track." Honestly ... has that ever worked for you? And what would be the benefit of drinking at this stage in your recovery? Your body has been working hard to heal itself ... you have been working hard at your sobriety ... to drink now would bring what benefit? How would it help your situation?
I know it sounds trite, but in AA we say, "Think through the drink." That means thinking ahead of the drink ... where would it lead you? How would it affect your body at this point? Would one/two drinks be enough, or one day of drinking be enough, or would it trigger a bender that you may or may not be able to recover from? We all know we have another drink in us ... but do you have another recovery in you? Is a few moments of relief worth the hell it would eventually drive you back to?
Think it through, my friend. I've followed your story for quite awhile now and from where I sit, this is not just a bad idea but is every bit as lethal as putting a loaded gun to your head. You have been walking a good road lately ... there are tough days, to be sure, but no day drunk is worth throwing away even your worst days sober.
Think it through.
I know you've had a few health scares lately ... maybe you're feeling better these days and you're thinking "one or two won't hurt, and then I'll get back on track." Honestly ... has that ever worked for you? And what would be the benefit of drinking at this stage in your recovery? Your body has been working hard to heal itself ... you have been working hard at your sobriety ... to drink now would bring what benefit? How would it help your situation?
I know it sounds trite, but in AA we say, "Think through the drink." That means thinking ahead of the drink ... where would it lead you? How would it affect your body at this point? Would one/two drinks be enough, or one day of drinking be enough, or would it trigger a bender that you may or may not be able to recover from? We all know we have another drink in us ... but do you have another recovery in you? Is a few moments of relief worth the hell it would eventually drive you back to?
Think it through, my friend. I've followed your story for quite awhile now and from where I sit, this is not just a bad idea but is every bit as lethal as putting a loaded gun to your head. You have been walking a good road lately ... there are tough days, to be sure, but no day drunk is worth throwing away even your worst days sober.
Think it through.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Keep Trying
Posts: 370
Never really thought about it before, but I am truly starting to believe we subconsciously plan our relapses. My last relapse was at a casino. Any casino I go to, I drink to excess. I told myself, this time you will have dinner only. Well, where was the first place I found myself? At the bar. And four drinks later, I was well on my way to binge then major HO in morning, filled with anxiety and self remorse.
Please don't even buy the bottle as an emergency bottle, I have done that one too. Good way to convince yourself that it is there "just in case." THen, you end up getting an emergency bottle every night if you know what I mean.
Stay strong my friend.
Please don't even buy the bottle as an emergency bottle, I have done that one too. Good way to convince yourself that it is there "just in case." THen, you end up getting an emergency bottle every night if you know what I mean.
Stay strong my friend.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,226
Originally Posted by desertsong 
Noro, relapses rarely come out of the blue. And in some ways, we actually plan them, however subconsciously. If you get yourself into the mindset that yes, you ARE going to relapse, then you will. No question about it. The challenge lies in redirecting all of that energy into something constructive and being very clear with yourself that drinking is not an option. Period.
I know you've had a few health scares lately ... maybe you're feeling better these days and you're thinking "one or two won't hurt, and then I'll get back on track." Honestly ... has that ever worked for you? And what would be the benefit of drinking at this stage in your recovery? Your body has been working hard to heal itself ... you have been working hard at your sobriety ... to drink now would bring what benefit? How would it help your situation?
I know it sounds trite, but in AA we say, "Think through the drink." That means thinking ahead of the drink ... where would it lead you? How would it affect your body at this point? Would one/two drinks be enough, or one day of drinking be enough, or would it trigger a bender that you may or may not be able to recover from? We all know we have another drink in us ... but do you have another recovery in you? Is a few moments of relief worth the hell it would eventually drive you back to?
Think it through, my friend. I've followed your story for quite awhile now and from where I sit, this is not just a bad idea but is every bit as lethal as putting a loaded gun to your head. You have been walking a good road lately ... there are tough days, to be sure, but no day drunk is worth throwing away even your worst days sober.
Think it through.
I know you've had a few health scares lately ... maybe you're feeling better these days and you're thinking "one or two won't hurt, and then I'll get back on track." Honestly ... has that ever worked for you? And what would be the benefit of drinking at this stage in your recovery? Your body has been working hard to heal itself ... you have been working hard at your sobriety ... to drink now would bring what benefit? How would it help your situation?
I know it sounds trite, but in AA we say, "Think through the drink." That means thinking ahead of the drink ... where would it lead you? How would it affect your body at this point? Would one/two drinks be enough, or one day of drinking be enough, or would it trigger a bender that you may or may not be able to recover from? We all know we have another drink in us ... but do you have another recovery in you? Is a few moments of relief worth the hell it would eventually drive you back to?
Think it through, my friend. I've followed your story for quite awhile now and from where I sit, this is not just a bad idea but is every bit as lethal as putting a loaded gun to your head. You have been walking a good road lately ... there are tough days, to be sure, but no day drunk is worth throwing away even your worst days sober.
Think it through.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Ever hear of HALT?
The idea is to not allow yourself to become overly Hungry/Angry/Lonely/Tired.
As depression was a factor for me...I added an S for Sad.
Being aware of HALTS saved my early fragile sobriety many times..
Please don't drink ..alcohol is a liquid toxin..destroies so many things.
The idea is to not allow yourself to become overly Hungry/Angry/Lonely/Tired.
As depression was a factor for me...I added an S for Sad.
Being aware of HALTS saved my early fragile sobriety many times..
Please don't drink ..alcohol is a liquid toxin..destroies so many things.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 145
Thanks for the support, everyone. I guess this is the point in recovery where cravings start to really come to a peak. I really thought I was going to end up getting booze tonight. A part of me really wanted to. I was talking myself into it almost as much as I was trying to talk myself out of it. It's very confusing.
Despite all I went through, drinking 24/7 for years, ending up in the hospital, making a fool of myself constantly, destroying my health, etc; I still often tell myself that I'm not actually an alcoholic and that I'm just being dramatic, that I'm just bastardizing a problem that other people actually have, and that I should have a drink.
I don't want to glorify drinking on here and trigger anybody else's cravings, so I'm not going to be specific about my thoughts, but I just really wanted a drink tonight. What stopped me was that I just don't want to throw out all the work I've put into this. I keep telling myself that months from now, if I stick with my recovery, I'll be feeling much better and I'll be glad I didn't falter.
I really need to get myself together because I can't go through this every night.
Despite all I went through, drinking 24/7 for years, ending up in the hospital, making a fool of myself constantly, destroying my health, etc; I still often tell myself that I'm not actually an alcoholic and that I'm just being dramatic, that I'm just bastardizing a problem that other people actually have, and that I should have a drink.
I don't want to glorify drinking on here and trigger anybody else's cravings, so I'm not going to be specific about my thoughts, but I just really wanted a drink tonight. What stopped me was that I just don't want to throw out all the work I've put into this. I keep telling myself that months from now, if I stick with my recovery, I'll be feeling much better and I'll be glad I didn't falter.
I really need to get myself together because I can't go through this every night.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 61
Originally Posted by Change4good
Thank you desertsong. You helped me tonight. And Noro, sending you the last bit of strength I have left this evening,
Your alcoholic voice is telling you it's no problem to go ahead and drink, but you know deep down thats a trick and you stopped for a reason, don't let drink come in the way of your vital for recovery sobriety
Sending you best wishes and a hug from over here in th UK noro
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 186
Originally Posted by desertsong
Noro, relapses rarely come out of the blue. And in some ways, we actually plan them, however subconsciously. If you get yourself into the mindset that yes, you ARE going to relapse, then you will. No question about it. The challenge lies in redirecting all of that energy into something constructive and being very clear with yourself that drinking is not an option. Period.
I know you've had a few health scares lately ... maybe you're feeling better these days and you're thinking "one or two won't hurt, and then I'll get back on track." Honestly ... has that ever worked for you? And what would be the benefit of drinking at this stage in your recovery? Your body has been working hard to heal itself ... you have been working hard at your sobriety ... to drink now would bring what benefit? How would it help your situation?
I know it sounds trite, but in AA we say, "Think through the drink." That means thinking ahead of the drink ... where would it lead you? How would it affect your body at this point? Would one/two drinks be enough, or one day of drinking be enough, or would it trigger a bender that you may or may not be able to recover from? We all know we have another drink in us ... but do you have another recovery in you? Is a few moments of relief worth the hell it would eventually drive you back to?
Think it through, my friend. I've followed your story for quite awhile now and from where I sit, this is not just a bad idea but is every bit as lethal as putting a loaded gun to your head. You have been walking a good road lately ... there are tough days, to be sure, but no day drunk is worth throwing away even your worst days sober.
Think it through.
I know you've had a few health scares lately ... maybe you're feeling better these days and you're thinking "one or two won't hurt, and then I'll get back on track." Honestly ... has that ever worked for you? And what would be the benefit of drinking at this stage in your recovery? Your body has been working hard to heal itself ... you have been working hard at your sobriety ... to drink now would bring what benefit? How would it help your situation?
I know it sounds trite, but in AA we say, "Think through the drink." That means thinking ahead of the drink ... where would it lead you? How would it affect your body at this point? Would one/two drinks be enough, or one day of drinking be enough, or would it trigger a bender that you may or may not be able to recover from? We all know we have another drink in us ... but do you have another recovery in you? Is a few moments of relief worth the hell it would eventually drive you back to?
Think it through, my friend. I've followed your story for quite awhile now and from where I sit, this is not just a bad idea but is every bit as lethal as putting a loaded gun to your head. You have been walking a good road lately ... there are tough days, to be sure, but no day drunk is worth throwing away even your worst days sober.
Think it through.
In my Own Little World
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Champaign, IL
Posts: 368
Sounds to simple to be true, but when I have been in that situation, I go get a large chocolate shake.
Ice cream sounds strangely good now for some reason....hm....
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Noro it wasn't clear to me what the background to this problem is, I see you joined in 2009. Is this happening after being sober for some time or are you trying to straighten up recently.
I think it makes a difference as cravings early on seemed to me to driven by triggers and old routines and withdrawal. Now I am later on I have found that I have to pay attention to 'where I am at' emotionally (never my strong suit obviously) because drinking was always my go to solution for most issues that confronted me. To find a way forward I have to find a constructive way of responding rather than drinking, and whilst chocolate, support and distraction will help is there something else that you need to acknowledge and address as well?
I think it makes a difference as cravings early on seemed to me to driven by triggers and old routines and withdrawal. Now I am later on I have found that I have to pay attention to 'where I am at' emotionally (never my strong suit obviously) because drinking was always my go to solution for most issues that confronted me. To find a way forward I have to find a constructive way of responding rather than drinking, and whilst chocolate, support and distraction will help is there something else that you need to acknowledge and address as well?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 861
Originally Posted by Noro
Despite all I went through, drinking 24/7 for years, ending up in the hospital, making a fool of myself constantly, destroying my health, etc; I still often tell myself that I'm not actually an alcoholic and that I'm just being dramatic, that I'm just bastardizing a problem that other people actually have, and that I should have a drink.
Sorry you are struggling right now. Sobriety does get easier. Do you need more support? I'm glad you are posting here. Congrats on going to Subway instead of buying alcohol. Each day sober matters a lot. It will get easier. But I think a plan for what to do when cravings hit and lots of support help. And working through any issues that could fuel the cravings. Stay away from buying the "emergency" bottle- as creative as that excuse is. Be gentle with yourself.
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