jamst149

So First and foremost...I'm an alcoholic. I drank every day from about 20-25. Then had a period of 3 years sober. Fell back into drinking for about 3 years. And now have been sober since July of last year outside of a two week period of relapse.

On relationships, I have had two long term ones. One for 5 years and on for 8 months that just ended.

So I guess what I have noticed is this...I use alcohol and relationships to fill some sort of void within. Let me explain.

What ultimately brought me back to drinking again after my first period of sobriety was and overwhelming sense of loneliness. I had shut myself off from the world and was unable to find away to reattach myself. I just had no closeness with anyone. Alcohol relieved that pain.

In both long term relationships I've found that I give myself up completely. I give up my friends, my interests etc. I want that 1 person 24/7 as much as I can get. In many ways I am addicted to that person. I put up with things that I should not because I feel so strongly that I don't want to lose them.

So I guess I come here wondering....how do I fill this void within me without alcohol or a woman?

WritingFromLife

Jams--you should get lots of advice on here about the alcoholism--I would add for the relationship stuff, check out Pia Melody's FACING LOVE ADDICTION--it is eye opening. It's hard to say what came first, the chicken or the egg (alcoholism or love addiction) but they both need to be addressed. You can do it, for sure. Healing takes time, but it is worth it!

2granddaughters

I heard a person say in AA that they came in with a hole in their soul.

How big was the hole you ask??.......

It was just about God-size.

All the best.

Bob R

jamst149

haha...well I'm an athiest soooo God isn't gonna fill this hole. No offense meant.

candie

If you look at the AA 12 steps it mentions a higher power, which doesn't have to be God as we know himYou also might need to look at co dependency issues surrounding your relationships

2granddaughters

It's your choice. I wish you all the best.

Bob R

jamst149

yeah I'm just not sold on AA. I tried it the first time I got sober and didn't really like it. I've got some social anxiety which is probably at play there. But also I am not all that convinced of it's efficacy.

But yes I am aware that higher power does not have to mean god.

At the moment I am seeing a therapist but things have got a bit stagnant with her. Kind of feel as though there is a lot of talking but not a lot of progress into making changes that will resolve this emptiness or void that I keep trying to fill

Seasidegirllau

Are you a very black and white person? Things are either one way or the other...no in between! I know i am and how you describe yourself sounds like me! Maybe thats just your makeup...just because you put your all into a relationship isnt a bad thing..unless it causes you a problem..maybe the void you speak of will be filled when you meet the right person...as for the booze...there aint nothing good about that hey!! Difficult to make sense of it all..but with a sober head im sure it will become clear in time :-) lau x

aihflvt

Hey Jamst149, 1. I can relate to your feelings about AA and 2. it sounds like your issues run deeper than alcohol itself. Have you ever heard anyone speak about Landmark Education? I'd characterize it as self-awareness and self-empowerment seminar. While it doesn't address addiction problems per se, a lot of people in my forums and seminars were currently dealing with, or had dealt with addiction problems in the past. Basically you put your life under a microscope and look at it critically and honestly, then decide where you'd like your life to be, then devise a plan of action to get there. I was literally dragged to the Landmark Forum by my wife, and my initial thought on entering the room was, "Geez, when am I going to have time to sneak a drink???" and two days later, I had repaired some relationships with family members that had been damaged by booze and achieved some semblance of peace of mind. People say a lot of crazy stuff about Landmark Education (it's brainwashing, it's a cult, etc.) but the bottom line is you get out of it what you want to get out of it. I have no connection to the organization, other than I've attended some of their forums and seminars and found it helpful in dealing with my alcohol addiction issues. And at the very least, you will meet some interesting people.

Sally1009

Landmark that was formally Exegesis, which was in turn formerly EST?
I did their seninar 30 years ago. Very powerful stuff - not for the faint-hearted!!

hypochondriac

It sounds to me like you are dependant on things external to you to give meaning to your life. Maybe you need to work on your own self worth and gain a level of independence and confidence in yourself so that you can coexist with others without relying on them completely, or alcohol. Everybody does this to some extent with something so don't feel too bad about it but it may be worth finding a healthier crutch that won't be detrimental to you x

jamst149

That sums it up perfectly. Just not sure how to find happiness internally. Where do I start? That's what I'm unclear about. Like I know whats wrong with but don't know how to fix it.

hypochondriac

I'm not sure, I'll let you know when I figure it out myself I'm very independent in a lot of ways but lack confidence which is usually what trips me up and then I become needy too. Do stuff which is for you only which will make you happy or increase your confidence or/and attachment to the world. A night class or volunteering? Higher education changed my life Do something that scares you every day...that should push you in the right direction to have faith in yourself and not have to rely on others x