enpointe

my thoughts are OBSESSED with drinking...with alcohol. i am obsessed with trying to find time and opportunities to drink. its all i can think of...there isnt any room in my head for anything else!

i get panicky if i cant drink or if i dont know when i'll be able to drink! i know this isnt normal. i know other people dont obsess over alcohol like this!

my family has pretty much given up on me and they say 'well, thats how artsy people are...' its always been kind of an excuse. and yes, i am a professional dancer and yes, all my friends are artists of some sort and yes, i am in the artist community, and yes alot of them have drug and alcohol problems. but i have leaned on that as some sort of crutch. but now i feel like my mind has been taken over by this. if my drinking schedule is interrupted in any way i go into a tailspin! that isnt normal, right? i dont know how to get out of my head.

Terminally Unique

That's the nature of the beast, enpointe. Addicted people tend to think about their next fix. You wouldn't be addicted otherwise. Addiction is kind of like being madly in love, head over heels. All you tend to think about is the object of your affection, which in this case is alcohol.

The best way out that I know of is to simply make a clean break, without allowances for any future drinking. You'll hear a lot of head noise as you contemplate doing this, and for some time after, but just like breaking up with someone, you'll eventually adapt and move on.

FenwayFaithful

That's not how artists are, that's how alcoholics are.

Your parents are enabling you by saying that. It is good that you recognize on some level that they are completely wrong about this.

And no obsessing over drinking to the point where you have no room to think about anything else and to feel so anxious at the thought of not drinking is NOT normal. It sounds to me like you're addicted to alcohol. Is the something you've admitted to yourself yet?

Have you considered AA? You sound young like me. I'm 23. I started going to AA when I was 21. I've been in and out of sobriety since. The time I've spent sober has been SO much better for me.

It took me some time to get rid of the urges. I found meetings to be helpful for that. Hearing about all the things people lost. And it was a distraction. And a safe place where people didn't judge me. I would suggest you try to go to a meeting.

I know your first time is scary but everyone is super nice and supportive. And they will probably give you some of their numbers and brochures and stuff as they will most likely recognize you as new. It depends on the size of the meeting, but this has been my experience for the most part.

Try going to this site to see if AA is right for you.http://www.aa.org/subpage.cfm?page=71

Maybe once you admit to yourself you have a problem, everyone else in your life will realize it to. If not then you need to do this for you. Realize this is NOT normal behavior and it NEVER will be and any reason you come up with to justify it is just your addiction talking.

Good luck!

Hevyn

That's why I had to give it up entirely, enpointe. I was consumed by thoughts of it. When would I have my next drinking session - how long would it last & when did I have to sober up? It wasn't even fun anymore - and it was sucking the life out of me.

I don't know how you manage dancing - ballet in particular. With the hangover, bad nerves & anxiety that come after every drinking session - I'd never make it. I hope the day won't come that it impacts your wonderful career. Glad that you're taking a serious look at what it's doing to you, and that you're sharing your thoughts with us.

Jfanagle

There are a "few" sober "artsy" people and they are pretty proud of how they got there. Just like their craft, they achieved success with HARD WORK. Read Eric Clapton’s book, CLAPTON. Here is a link that may give you a few of the "artsy" types who found out life is much easier sober.
http://www.biography.com/people/groups/sober-celebs/all
I hope you give it a try; I can assure you that it works.
Best Wishes,
Jon

instant

Enpointe. The thing I love about sobriety is mental freedom. I am free of the struggle and torment. Even though when I stopped drinking 11 months ago I was working in a professional capacity most of my background thinking was about alcohol and my relationship with alcohol.

I found the only way forward despite my dread, an abject fear of a life without alcohol, was to surrender unconditionally to whatever came after drinking. Once I had decided that and had a few days sobriety and logged on here things began to improve.

I had danced around the issue for a decade before getting to that point.

All alcoholics who do something productive seem to think of themselves as 'high functioning'. I have come to accept that alcohol is not a performance enhancing drug.

Wishing you the peace you deserve.

jdaviscpd

There are many theories out there on alcohol and drug addiction and the effects of alcohol on the mind and body. One that I relate to personally is the theory in AA: "Men and woman drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire (the obsession of the mind) again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops (the allergy of the body), they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over (relapse), and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change (the way you think) there is very little hope of his [or her] recovery." In AA, the twelve steps are what will expel the obsession to drink. And you may be an alcoholic. You may not be an alcoholic. Only you can decide. "If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic." If you relate to that at all you may want to check out the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. If you do not, definitely keep looking and grab onto whatever you find that helps you achieve freedom from the alcohol obsession and allows you to live happily. Best of luck!

All BB quotes-First Edition

Music

I used to feel the same way unti I got addicted to AA meetings an working the steps. I found out how to enjoy other things beside drinking and in the process, discovered there are other responsibilities I need to pay attention to, just like it says in the Big Book. Now I go to a couple meetings a week, still have a sponsor and sponsor others, so I don't really think about drinking. I think more about how great it is to be sober.

eJoshua

Yep, that sounds like how I used to be exactly. The obsession will die once you stop feeding it with booze, but it takes time.

CarolD

Yes...I can so relate to those mind blowing destructive thoughts.
Drinking turned me into a woman I detested...my brain was saturated.
It was a dark depressive time in my life....

I knew nothing about AA....but I knew I had to take action...in the door
I fell....scared ....shakeing...embarrassed.
And I found a fantastic way to live...productive...serene and joy filled..

Yes...you too can win over alcohol....please take action now.

aihflvt

I was a opera and symphony orchestra musician in a former life. I have seen enough self-destructive behavior (my own included) for a lifetime. It's truly a shame that society finds this acceptable from creative people, when it would never be tolerated in any other workplace.

I progressed to a point where I was basically continuously drunk. I knew I'd end up in a "tailspin," as you put it if my buzz were interrupted, so I'd always make sure I had an easily accessible emergency flask. I'd think, "I'll wake up sober and stop drinking tomorrow." Of course, with the amount I was drinking, that wasn't going to happen. I'd wake up wasted and feeling like crap, and I'd start the day with an eye-opener to make me feel less crap. So breaking the pattern, and the immediate aftermath was the most difficult part for me. But once I got past it (like cigarette smoking), I feel so much better now, I wonder why on earth I ever did it in the first place.

wellwisher

Yup, I remember the obsession, and I have to agree with others here. The obsession has nothing to do with being "artsy". I reside on the other side of the spectrum when it comes to being "artsy", but I most certainly enjoy the arts.

My own experience with mental obsession is that it led me to physical dependence, and that really made me very sick. I became very, very ill and had to have a medical detox to prevent seizures and other life threatening situations when I had to quit.

I have heard artists I met in AA say that they believed alcohol and/or drugs helped them with their creativity while they actually were using, but in sobriety, they saw it wasn't true.

My hope for you is that you deal with the "obsession" now so it doesn't turn into full-blown physical dependence - a much harder stance to quit from. In my own experience; once I crossed that obsession line, there was no way I could go back to moderate drinking.

All my best...

soberlicious

So true! That whole "artsy people just do that" thing is nothing more than pure AV on a collective societal level. Being the hippie-born-in-the-wrong-era, free spirited, misunderstood soul that I always liked to think I was, I too used the "live in the moment/turn on, tune in, drop out" mentality to justify getting drunk and high. Ridiculous, really, looking back on it. There are millions of creative people who have recovered from addiction and find themselves finally realizing a potential as artists and free thinkers that they never even knew existed within, a higher plane of conciousness so to speak.
enpointe, don't let this control you and rob you. You can walk free...or in your case, truly dance freely!

eJoshua

Agree 100% -- great point and well said.

instant

Alcohol dissolves us. Any sense of freedom or nourishing the soul experienced whilst under the influence is an illusion of intoxication.

Toxin= poison

Noro

My artwork (that being music) suffered tremendously because of my drinking. It got to the point where I could not write one song that I didn't despise. At best I just wouldn't be able to remember it. I did nothing artistically productive for the last two years of my heavy drinking, up until when I decided to quit. I'm still trying to get my creativity and motivation back so I can start writing music as enthusiastically as I used to. For me, alcohol was the enemy of my artistic side.

I was even part of a "band" with a couple of friends. We had talent and potential, but every time we got together to practice, we simply got drunk and drugged up and nothing ever came of it. Of course, we thought we were great, and we did have some good songs, but we were holding ourselves back. Had we focused on what really mattered, instead of accepting that the drugs and alcohol are just "what artists do" and not viewing it as a problem, then we probably would've accomplished a lot more.

Anyway, the obsessive thoughts about alcohol are the hallmark of what we've all been through. I remember I was so obsessed with having a supply of booze that I began to fret once I had less than a liter of liquor left. If I only had a few shots left and liquor stores were closed, I prepared for a disastrous sleepless night. Once I had no booze and no money, I'd search through my bedroom for empty bottles with remnant drops in them, and I'd combine these drops of booze from the bottom of dozens of bottles into a shot glass, in hopes that it would help me sleep long enough to wake up while liquor stores were open again the next day.

And that's TYPICAL of alcoholism. That's what we become if we let it continue to control us. And there's nothing quite like the freedom of finally having let go of all that and being able to live each day without worrying about booze like it's oxygen. There's nothing like finally freeing yourself from that so you can allow yourself to focus on things that actually matter and things that will actually make you happy and fulfilled, including your art.

gaffo

I am a professional graphic artist with six months of sobriety. Whatever "advantages" drinking gave my artistic career are either long gone or non existent. I still get creative sparks and I still enjoy myself. I also get dry spells and bad days but they aren't accompanied by dread, hangovers, and self pity.

Your term "Obsession" really resonates with me. I too was really obsessed and afraid of quitting. I think that set me up for my current success--once I did get sober it was truly one of those "light bulb" moments. Why was I doing that to myself? Life is so much better, for people like us, without drinking.

Threshold

I think that the sort of personality that drives one in certain fields is often the sort of personality that ends up muddled in addictions. Arts are one of them, but not limited to that. Many "driven" types...obsessed with success, or pursuing some made genius, in music, dance etc..end up tangled in this mess.

I'm not justifying it or excusing it, but it is what it is. And I think that one reason we tend to hold on is that we get terrified that IF we stop...we will lose our drive, muse, etc. And the thought of going without that of losing what we've come to identify as "ourself" is pretty scary.

That is, far as I can see, the mindset behind most addiction, not just for artsy types, who may seem more susceptible, but there are these types in every walk of life. Obsessed.

Even a bit of magical thinking. It serves us in one area, reaching a goal, but sinks us in the others.

If you have the drive to make it as a dancer, you can get sober and stay sober. The obsession with booze can be turned towards something more purposeful.

The first step is getting clean and detoxed, the next is finding the something more purposeful. It may seem impossible to take the time to get clean and detox, but your life, career and mental stability rely on it, so consider it a horrific sprain, and take the time to do it. It's going to hurt for awhile, but when it heals, you're going to be awesome.

Many people find the framework of a recovery program a purposeful thing to set their energies towards and something that helps them find something worthwhile to do with themselves. It's not a bad place to start if you don't have a solid plan for yourself. It can dovetail right into your life and help keep things together where you once used booze to do that.

Being an addict and an artist is common, but it's not normal or necessary.

enpointe

i just want to say thanks for the encouragement and support.

the truth is that the drinking is taking such a physical toll on me and i am just exhausted. i am unable to rehearse, perform, teach, workout, blah bc i am just so drained both physically and mentally. dance has always been number one in my life until now. its horrible to admit but my obsession to drink outweighs my dance career right now. and the insane part about it is that i logically know this but i am too afraid or unwilling or whatever to do anything about it. its like i just keep testing the limits to see how far i can go and still have a kinda decent career w/out giving it up!! i know that sounds crazy but its how my mind thinks!

2granddaughters

Not crazy at all,, to an alky.

Sacrificing some/all of your life's love and work for a drink.. makes sense to me.
I lost a 10 yr skilled trades supervisor position at Chrysler Corp over booze.

Are you going to AA meetings ??

All the best .

Bob R