2+ months into sobriety. PAWS?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 145
2+ months into sobriety. PAWS?
Hey everyone. It's been a little while since I've posted here. I feel kinda guilty sometimes when I check in because I feel like I get all this support from you guys but don't give much back. I hope that when my mind clears up more and I continue to get better, I'll be of more use to other people and I'll be able to get over myself, so to speak..
I've missed the last few AA meetings with my normal group. I just wasn't motivated to go and I feel unsure of whether or not I'm getting much out of it, or if I really need it. I don't know. The 12 step thing and the spirituality aspect never really suited me but sometimes I like to be able to share things with people and listen to those who have been through what I have.
It's been suggested to me recently that I might be dealing with PAWS. At first I wasn't sure because I thought it wasn't a very common thing, but now I'm reading that most people experience it to some degree after sobering up. I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety, obsessive thinking, agitation, depression, etc. Sometimes I'm on an emotional rollercoaster, and other times I'm completely numb. I don't go out much at all and still don't have a job. I'm going back to school in the next few weeks and I just don't feel ready, but I didn't feel ready last semester either and ended up dropping out. I can't keep doing that.
I don't know whether this is PAWS or if this is just me and what I'll always have to deal with. I'm still getting used to actual sobriety, as this is the longest I've been sober in years. It seems like I spend all day analyzing my thoughts and emotions and worrying about everything. This is what I used to drink away. I know most people would suggest that I see a psychiatrist/psychologist, but I'm terrified of what they might tell me about myself, if that makes any sense.
I'm glad that I haven't been drinking, and deep down I've never allowed it to even feel like an option. My health is better than it's ever been, really. But the urge still comes up. Just to have a break from this. Just a few hours of not thinking so much and not feeling tortured by my own brain. Maybe just one night of falsely feeling like everything is okay, everything is fine. Or maybe just so I don't cringe and feel absolutely trapped whenever someone is even in the same room as me.
I just hate that I have myself to live with. There's no cure or escape anymore.
I've missed the last few AA meetings with my normal group. I just wasn't motivated to go and I feel unsure of whether or not I'm getting much out of it, or if I really need it. I don't know. The 12 step thing and the spirituality aspect never really suited me but sometimes I like to be able to share things with people and listen to those who have been through what I have.
It's been suggested to me recently that I might be dealing with PAWS. At first I wasn't sure because I thought it wasn't a very common thing, but now I'm reading that most people experience it to some degree after sobering up. I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety, obsessive thinking, agitation, depression, etc. Sometimes I'm on an emotional rollercoaster, and other times I'm completely numb. I don't go out much at all and still don't have a job. I'm going back to school in the next few weeks and I just don't feel ready, but I didn't feel ready last semester either and ended up dropping out. I can't keep doing that.
I don't know whether this is PAWS or if this is just me and what I'll always have to deal with. I'm still getting used to actual sobriety, as this is the longest I've been sober in years. It seems like I spend all day analyzing my thoughts and emotions and worrying about everything. This is what I used to drink away. I know most people would suggest that I see a psychiatrist/psychologist, but I'm terrified of what they might tell me about myself, if that makes any sense.
I'm glad that I haven't been drinking, and deep down I've never allowed it to even feel like an option. My health is better than it's ever been, really. But the urge still comes up. Just to have a break from this. Just a few hours of not thinking so much and not feeling tortured by my own brain. Maybe just one night of falsely feeling like everything is okay, everything is fine. Or maybe just so I don't cringe and feel absolutely trapped whenever someone is even in the same room as me.
I just hate that I have myself to live with. There's no cure or escape anymore.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,431
This is the best link on PAWs I know of Noro - give it a read...I hope it can help you make up your own mind...there's some good tips in there too...
PAWS | Digital Dharma
D
PAWS | Digital Dharma
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 107
Thanks for posting Noro,
Its funny how when I come to this board I cant find some post on what I am dealing with instantly.
I am three weeks sober today, the 3 weeks went by almost exactly what I wanted, I was fed up with drinking and happy I made it through the immeidiate withdrawls in the first 5 days. I was getting up very early after that and going to bed regularily early as well, with good sleeps and few nightmares.
Last night I got attacked.
Attacked with obsessive thoughts of my past, relationship failures and hate towards my family and friends. I stayed awake unable to sleep till the wee hours of the morning, lying in bed going over and over in my head the same situations and going through anger, hate, fear, guilt and anxiety...basically wanting it all to just go away.
I awoke this morning and wondered why? What had I done yesterday that got me like that? I did feel exhausted and run down from working landscaping for 8 hours during the day, I did not eat much, I did smoke a pack of cigs, I also ate a whack of candy and drank a ton of coffee. So there in my eyes lies the problem.
I was talking to a friend in A.A. and I asked him how he deals with his past and being haunted by it. He simply replied "If I thought about the past I wouldn't be sober"
That simple response has stuck with me.
I have to keep things so simple now, eating right when I can and doing healthy things, watching I dont sleep in so I can go to bed early, someday I do very very little, but its what I have to do at this point.
Over time I will be able to address issues again from my past, but right now its too early. I just have to weather the storm and take whatever precautions I can to avoid being tired and hungry etc...
Its funny how when I come to this board I cant find some post on what I am dealing with instantly.
I am three weeks sober today, the 3 weeks went by almost exactly what I wanted, I was fed up with drinking and happy I made it through the immeidiate withdrawls in the first 5 days. I was getting up very early after that and going to bed regularily early as well, with good sleeps and few nightmares.
Last night I got attacked.
Attacked with obsessive thoughts of my past, relationship failures and hate towards my family and friends. I stayed awake unable to sleep till the wee hours of the morning, lying in bed going over and over in my head the same situations and going through anger, hate, fear, guilt and anxiety...basically wanting it all to just go away.
I awoke this morning and wondered why? What had I done yesterday that got me like that? I did feel exhausted and run down from working landscaping for 8 hours during the day, I did not eat much, I did smoke a pack of cigs, I also ate a whack of candy and drank a ton of coffee. So there in my eyes lies the problem.
I was talking to a friend in A.A. and I asked him how he deals with his past and being haunted by it. He simply replied "If I thought about the past I wouldn't be sober"
That simple response has stuck with me.
I have to keep things so simple now, eating right when I can and doing healthy things, watching I dont sleep in so I can go to bed early, someday I do very very little, but its what I have to do at this point.
Over time I will be able to address issues again from my past, but right now its too early. I just have to weather the storm and take whatever precautions I can to avoid being tired and hungry etc...
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Nelson, British Columbia
Posts: 20
Congratulations on not drinking and feeling good about your physical health and all the progress you've made. I'm sure you must be pleased.
Some say that the immediate physical withdrawl from an addiction, although unpleasant (sometimes very unpleasant), is easier than the longer term issues that happen when the body and mind are reversing the damages caused by alcohol abuse. Learning and understanding what might be happening to you (as Dee74 pointed out in the link posted) is worth a read. It is nice to know what might be going on and why you might be feeling the way you do. I recall when my brother and wife had their first child, they were trepidatious about holding their baby, and giving it a bath or what to do if it coughed or sneezed or what it's facial expression meant, and they would scamper off to 10 different books to find out what was going on. When they had their second child, it was a completely different affair. They no longer relied on the books and, in essence, no longer "sweated the small stuff".
I presume, that you, like nearly every other addict who sets out on the long road to recovery, wishes to have a better quality of life than the one they left behind when they were using. So I like to keep in mind that the reason I chose not to drink back then, and the reason I choose not to drink today, is I want to live and enjoy life as best as I am able. That's the point for me.
Some say that the immediate physical withdrawl from an addiction, although unpleasant (sometimes very unpleasant), is easier than the longer term issues that happen when the body and mind are reversing the damages caused by alcohol abuse. Learning and understanding what might be happening to you (as Dee74 pointed out in the link posted) is worth a read. It is nice to know what might be going on and why you might be feeling the way you do. I recall when my brother and wife had their first child, they were trepidatious about holding their baby, and giving it a bath or what to do if it coughed or sneezed or what it's facial expression meant, and they would scamper off to 10 different books to find out what was going on. When they had their second child, it was a completely different affair. They no longer relied on the books and, in essence, no longer "sweated the small stuff".
I presume, that you, like nearly every other addict who sets out on the long road to recovery, wishes to have a better quality of life than the one they left behind when they were using. So I like to keep in mind that the reason I chose not to drink back then, and the reason I choose not to drink today, is I want to live and enjoy life as best as I am able. That's the point for me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
My advice, keep going to AA! If anything it does get you a temporary escape from yourself 
Hugs, Noro. I wish you lots of love and kindness. I can sympathize with you, because I think if I were not working and at home all day I would overanalyze and be consumed by my thoughts too, and I understand how all of that can be totally exhausting and counter-productive to motivate you to get out to see a therapist or go back to school.....
I have been in therapy for most of my life off and on. I admit I struggle with understanding what the big deal is when people express a hesitation to go. Maybe my motives are selfish - who wouldn't want to go talk to someone about THEMSELVES for an hour?!? But really, your feeling of being "terrified" is likely much much worse than reality, worries almost always are, right?
PS therapists are human too, and do make mistakes. A good one will let you call him/her on something when it's off base, so keep that in mind if you do go. Regardless, I urge you to find something to keep your mind from going on overdrive while at home all day. Please take care of yourself! XOXOX
Hugs, Noro. I wish you lots of love and kindness. I can sympathize with you, because I think if I were not working and at home all day I would overanalyze and be consumed by my thoughts too, and I understand how all of that can be totally exhausting and counter-productive to motivate you to get out to see a therapist or go back to school.....
I have been in therapy for most of my life off and on. I admit I struggle with understanding what the big deal is when people express a hesitation to go. Maybe my motives are selfish - who wouldn't want to go talk to someone about THEMSELVES for an hour?!? But really, your feeling of being "terrified" is likely much much worse than reality, worries almost always are, right?
PS therapists are human too, and do make mistakes. A good one will let you call him/her on something when it's off base, so keep that in mind if you do go. Regardless, I urge you to find something to keep your mind from going on overdrive while at home all day. Please take care of yourself! XOXOX
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
From what I understand from PAWS, and what I experienced, is that physical and emotional symptoms of clinical PAWS kick in at about six months.
At two months of abstinence I suspect anxiety, obsessive negative thinking, depression and a host of other ailments are pretty common.
A doctor might not be a bad idea, eh?
At three months sober I crawled into the rooms of AA still shaking, unable to concentrate on conversations, desperate as all hell. Best decision I ever made (then again, maybe it wasn't mine to make).
At two months of abstinence I suspect anxiety, obsessive negative thinking, depression and a host of other ailments are pretty common.
A doctor might not be a bad idea, eh?
At three months sober I crawled into the rooms of AA still shaking, unable to concentrate on conversations, desperate as all hell. Best decision I ever made (then again, maybe it wasn't mine to make).
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Noro and Whatevername, You guys have some things in common. Your are both going to or have been going to AA meetings, but things don't seem to be getting better. One of you is losing motivation, the other is haunted by the past. The thing you need to know is that, if you are an alcoholic of my type, meetings alone will not get you sober. I see it all the time, meetings, meetings, nothing changes, drink, meetings meetings, nothing changes drink.
AA's answer is in the steps (the programme), not the meetings (the fellowship). Find a sponsor who will take you through the steps. Your life will take on new meaning and you will not regret the past or wish to shut the door on it. You will recover and be given the power to help others where no one else can.
AA's answer is in the steps (the programme), not the meetings (the fellowship). Find a sponsor who will take you through the steps. Your life will take on new meaning and you will not regret the past or wish to shut the door on it. You will recover and be given the power to help others where no one else can.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Originally Posted by whatevername 
I was talking to a friend in A.A. and I asked him how he deals with his past and being haunted by it. He simply replied "If I thought about the past I wouldn't be sober"
That simple response has stuck with me.
..
That simple response has stuck with me.
..
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
"Irritable, restless and discontent"
That was me before I worked the 12 steps with someone who thoroughly knows those steps and how to incorporate them into their life.
Sponsor and working the steps will give you a new perspective on your past!
That was me before I worked the 12 steps with someone who thoroughly knows those steps and how to incorporate them into their life.
Sponsor and working the steps will give you a new perspective on your past!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by Noro
Hey everyone. It's been a little while since I've posted here. I feel kinda guilty sometimes when I check in because I feel like I get all this support from you guys but don't give much back. I hope that when my mind clears up more and I continue to get better, I'll be of more use to other people and I'll be able to get over myself, so to speak..
I've missed the last few AA meetings with my normal group. I just wasn't motivated to go and I feel unsure of whether or not I'm getting much out of it, or if I really need it. I don't know. The 12 step thing and the spirituality aspect never really suited me but sometimes I like to be able to share things with people and listen to those who have been through what I have.
It's been suggested to me recently that I might be dealing with PAWS. At first I wasn't sure because I thought it wasn't a very common thing, but now I'm reading that most people experience it to some degree after sobering up. I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety, obsessive thinking, agitation, depression, etc. Sometimes I'm on an emotional rollercoaster, and other times I'm completely numb. I don't go out much at all and still don't have a job. I'm going back to school in the next few weeks and I just don't feel ready, but I didn't feel ready last semester either and ended up dropping out. I can't keep doing that.
I don't know whether this is PAWS or if this is just me and what I'll always have to deal with. I'm still getting used to actual sobriety, as this is the longest I've been sober in years. It seems like I spend all day analyzing my thoughts and emotions and worrying about everything. This is what I used to drink away. I know most people would suggest that I see a psychiatrist/psychologist, but I'm terrified of what they might tell me about myself, if that makes any sense.
I'm glad that I haven't been drinking, and deep down I've never allowed it to even feel like an option. My health is better than it's ever been, really. But the urge still comes up. Just to have a break from this. Just a few hours of not thinking so much and not feeling tortured by my own brain. Maybe just one night of falsely feeling like everything is okay, everything is fine. Or maybe just so I don't cringe and feel absolutely trapped whenever someone is even in the same room as me.
I just hate that I have myself to live with. There's no cure or escape anymore.
I've missed the last few AA meetings with my normal group. I just wasn't motivated to go and I feel unsure of whether or not I'm getting much out of it, or if I really need it. I don't know. The 12 step thing and the spirituality aspect never really suited me but sometimes I like to be able to share things with people and listen to those who have been through what I have.
It's been suggested to me recently that I might be dealing with PAWS. At first I wasn't sure because I thought it wasn't a very common thing, but now I'm reading that most people experience it to some degree after sobering up. I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety, obsessive thinking, agitation, depression, etc. Sometimes I'm on an emotional rollercoaster, and other times I'm completely numb. I don't go out much at all and still don't have a job. I'm going back to school in the next few weeks and I just don't feel ready, but I didn't feel ready last semester either and ended up dropping out. I can't keep doing that.
I don't know whether this is PAWS or if this is just me and what I'll always have to deal with. I'm still getting used to actual sobriety, as this is the longest I've been sober in years. It seems like I spend all day analyzing my thoughts and emotions and worrying about everything. This is what I used to drink away. I know most people would suggest that I see a psychiatrist/psychologist, but I'm terrified of what they might tell me about myself, if that makes any sense.
I'm glad that I haven't been drinking, and deep down I've never allowed it to even feel like an option. My health is better than it's ever been, really. But the urge still comes up. Just to have a break from this. Just a few hours of not thinking so much and not feeling tortured by my own brain. Maybe just one night of falsely feeling like everything is okay, everything is fine. Or maybe just so I don't cringe and feel absolutely trapped whenever someone is even in the same room as me.
I just hate that I have myself to live with. There's no cure or escape anymore.
You are at a "turning point" and it's going to turn ugly or good. It's your choice. You can't straddle the fence. What does your AA sponsor say about your dilemma? I hate it when I have to make a decision to save my own arse.
Wishing you the best.
Bob R
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Bridgeton
Posts: 718
I forgot all about PAWS. In trying to keep my program simple, I often forget about the complicated...the mind, that 40 years of drinking, some drugs and now how I am once again raw when stress & emotions attack me. Like the rest of this 'journey' I am trying daily to accept that this is going to take time.
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