lizatola

My AH has accepted a plea deal for his DUI with the prosecution. His final sentencing is in mid-May(he's pleading guilty to a super extreme DUI in Arizona and, according to the plea deal will do 14 days in our tent city jail). I know he'll have to get alcohol screening and I truly was hoping that they would figure out that he needs some sort of alcohol rehab, counseling, or support group program. Unfortunately, he is a master of negotiation and manipulation and an excellent liar and I wonder if they won't see that with him when he starts answering their questions about his history of alcohol abuse/use/whatever. He has not been very forthcoming with me about the DUI and the process, as I have left it as 'his problem' that he needs to fix so he thinks that I don't need to know anything about it at all.

At some point he's going to need me to give him rides to all kinds of places: to his probation officer, to the ignition interlock place, to the DMV, and probably to the jail. As far as I know, he hasn't confided in anyone about his DUI nor has he sought help with counseling or AA. He has quit drinking(as far as I know), started drinking NA beer for a bit and then stopped, but also seems to be irritated with the legal system already regarding his crime. He went to court on Friday and came home and made a comment about how he was sitting there with all these 'criminals'! Umm, I chose not to point out that, technically, he is a criminal in the eyes of the law! I guess I feel that he thinks the punishment doesn't fit the crime but he said he's willing to do whatever it takes to get this DUI stuff over with. At first he seemed remorseful, but now he seems aggravated and frustrated by it. I can only hope that the judge sees that he needs help.

suki44883

The DUI process IS aggravating and frustrating. I believe it is meant to be so. They really put you through the ringer, maybe in hopes that you will decide that you NEVER want to go through that again.

To be honest, it doesn't sound like he is convinced that he is a criminal. Maybe he would feel differently if he had killed someone while driving drunk, but since he didn't, it's easy to believe that, while what he did was technically wrong, since no one got hurt, it's not really that big a deal. The horror that he felt when it first happened tends to fade after a while. Whether or not he pulls a snow job on the alcohol assessment will tell you if he is really serious about living sober. He's really hurting himself more than anyone else if he doesn't take advantage of the help that is out there, but not everyone learns their lesson the first time.

You can't really worry about it though. As you know, whatever he is going to do is beyond your control, but it might give you a glimpse of how he really feels about what he has done to put himself in this situation.

lizatola

Suki, I appreciate your input. Do you know if anyone working with the DUI offenders ever discusses the case with the spouse or family of the offender? I guess I was hoping that they would include the families at some point of the process.

As for him feeling like a criminal, yeah, I don't think he's there yet, LOL. He's one of those guys who doesn't ever wear a seatbelt(not even in an airplane where he just 'pretends' to have it on yet really doesn't, but especially in a car) and has gotten cited in CA and AZ for not wearing it, and each time he was indignant about it. He has major entitlement mentality to the point that when his company changed his commission plan last spring, he decided to purposely break his work issued laptop. He sent it back to them and said, "I don't know what happened? It just keeps coming up with a blue screen." It was his way of retaliating for the comp plan and he felt truly justified in his actions.

He had quit drinking 17 years ago right before we got married. I married him thinking that he would stay sober forever. 15 years later and here we are in this mess as he started drinking to quell his depression and anxiety about 2 years ago. It escalated to binge drinking, passing out, and then the DUI. He has sworn off drinking but I just saw 2 NA beers in the fridge that I hadn't seen last night. Guess he drank some last night after I went to bed. It's like the same old habit, just using NA beer to get the fix.

suki44883

When I went through the DUI process, no one spoke with my family. Now, if he were to go to rehab, they have family meetings from time to time, but not that I know of with the DUI process.

I know people who have that entitlement mentality. They can really make life difficult for those who love them. Talk about frustrating!! And it does seem like it takes them longer to catch on that really, they're no better than anyone else, especially not those going through the same DUI process. Some never will admit that they are flawed, just like regular people.

breath

Good luck with all those legal issues. I'd focus as much attention on the addiction and related issues as they tend to escalate unless tended to.

lizatola

Well, technically, it's his addiction to fight. My son and I just happen to be the collateral damage and I sit by and wonder if he's really going to stay sober or if he'll just start drinking again in 2 years when this is all over. He is on anti-depressants and I'm hoping that it helps him stay calmer while going through this DUI process. He's the type of person who used to get angry about the 'little things' and I have a feeling that the DUI stuff will all be about the 'little things'.

DayTrader

I was a court-guy myself.....

Best thing that happened to me: the courts kept on punishing and there was NOBODY to carry me through it. No wife to drive me around, no family in the area to take care of me, no NOTHING. I was pinned down sooooo tight I couldn't squirm out. Sure, I was mad at the courts.....but they basically "held my nose in it" long enough for me to start to get some clarity. I could either continue to buck the trend, fight the system, do things my way.........or I could just give up. I gave up.......finally. It was so refreshing too. I settled into doing whatever they asked......no more complaints. I put me there, not them.....it was MY actions that caused the trouble, they just enforced the penalties on me FOR those actions.

Your husband sounds EXACTLY like me.....exactly: entitled, defiant, usually able to talk my way out of trouble, fearless at times, feeling above the law, being "better" than those other criminals/low-lifes, not wearing a seat-belt BECAUSE "they" say I have to, on and on and on.

I dunno what to say to you Liz... I look back at those days and for the life of me can't understand why or how ppl could love me. They just HAD to be focusing on "potential."

I SINCERELY hope you're willing to attend some alanon meetings. Ppl like me.......like your husband......we chew people up and though we feel bad about it, it's almost like there's no choice in the matter. Alanon helps ppl who are affected by ppl like me.....it helps more than you'll imagine.

If he's as much like me as I suspect, you're both in for one helluva ride...... He's gonna get what he's gonna get but Alanon will help you keep the wreckage off your side of the street.

lizatola

Thanks for your honesty and for sharing. I do attend Al Anon, I started back in January when I felt his drinking was getting out of control and I was going down with the sinking ship. I do have a feeling that the DUI ride hasn't even begun yet. So far there have been no ramifications because of how the lawyer had dragged this out.

My AH works in another state at least 1-2x a month and has to rent a car there. He will definitely have to use an ignition interlock and I think it's for 18 months because his BAC was so high. He, for right now, doesn't really seem too concerned about his job. He hasn't told them yet and I wonder how they will handle it because his job requires travel to customers both in state and out. Our income heavily relies on his out of state customers, though. I also think that he assumes that insurance isn't going to find out about the DUI, because a friend of his managed to avoid this issue. I doubt he'll have such luck.

laurie6781

NO NO NO

Yes, he will need rides, but not from you. This is his problem, his consequences. Allow him to be an adult about ALL of this, and find his own rides, that are NOT from you.

Oh, and when you say NO that is all you have to say. "No" is a complete sentence. When you try and explain, then you are leaving yourself open for more manipulation.

I was about 6 weeks sober, when my 'old beater alkie car' died. It only had 280,000+ miles on it, lol However, it was UP TO ME to ask for rides, to ask for help, to get to meetings. I spoke with some of the gals at work, and one of them drove right by my place every morning and evening and agreed to pick me up. I gave her 'gas money' every week.

But I had to ask for help. I had to ask who was going to the grocery store on the weekend and could I get a ride? so I could do my weekly shopping. It didn't matter what store at that time.

Humbling? You bet it was! It was one of the best things that I did for me. No I did not ask family, they would have said no, lol No I did not ask my sponsor (who seemed like family, I was closer to her and her hubby than my own family).

Have you started Alanon yet? and/or some one on one counseling? That will help a bunch for you to get out of the 'what ifs' and work on you. You have to work on you to prepare your life for whatever comes, him quitting and 'getting it' or him not quitting and having to go further with the progression.

I understand your 'fears', especially with 'not knowing' what was said in court, what he has to do, what he will do, .................................... it can all be so 'mind freezing' that you just go round and round and stay on the roller coaster.

J M H O

Please continue to post in Friends and Family and here, and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

aihflvt

I'm with Laurie. I was a habitual drunk driver. Although I was fortunate to have never been caught, my wife repeatedly told me if I ever did get caught, she would absolutely refuse to play chauffeur. I can't say I blame her.

lizatola

In the beginning I told my AH that it was his DUI, his problem, and that he was on his own. He came groveling to me about a week later and told me that he would need my help in certain situations. He told me he was willing to find rides, ride his bike, use public transportation for as far north as it goes(the closest bus station to us is 5 miles south as we live a bit north in the hills) but he did ask me to help if it fit in my schedule. He said that my schedule comes first and that he won't ask me to do any driving for him if it clashes with something I already have scheduled. I agreed. I guess I feel I can't go back on my word at this point. If I can do it, I will.......but(yep, here's the BUT) I wonder if I'll get really resentful if I start feeling taking advantage of? This is one to take to my sponsor and to my Al Anon friends. And, yes, I have a therapist but I'm thinking of finding someone who specializes in addiction and codependency issues.

laurie6781

Oh yes, you will start to feel used and 'put upon'. Why? Because, by starting out giving him a ride, only at YOUR CONVENIENCE will turn into more and more requests and excuses why he 'needs' you to give him a ride.

If you feel you must stick to your 'previous word' than also remember he said, "only if your schedule permits". Be very very careful of when yoo do say 'yes'.

Good idea!!!! Sometimes we have to go through several therapists before we find one that 'fits.' She was great!! However, after she retired and I had to find a new psych Dr. it took me going through 4 different one before #5 was the 'magic' number, lmao. I still use this psych Dr once in a while. She is on 'speed dial' on my land line and she is also in my 'contacts' on my cell phone ............................... just in case.

Please also ask your Alanon sponsor about all these 'what ifs' you are having. That is NOT 'staying in the now'.

Sounds like you are getting a pretty good 'handle' on this.

Oh and since he doesn't go back to court until May, with our climate down here (Arizona and Southern New Mexico) it will be getting real nice and I truly hope your husband enjoys Sheriff Joe's hospitality!!!

Love and hugs,

lizatola

Laurie!!! I thought of that too! It's getting HOTTER, LOL! I'm sure he's trying really hard NOT to think about that part. I don't know if the judge orders jail time right away or if they have to self surrender after a certain amount of time but I'm assuming it will be shortly after the sentencing. That will put it at the end of May! EEK!

And, yes, I know I'm not staying in the NOW, ugh. All part of my recovery. Really my post on here was to ask if DUI offenders' families ever get a chance to participate in the alcohol assessments or therapy(if required by the judge), etc.

We've already had a 'discussion' this AM about something totally inane. He got all worked up about the HOA meeting tonight(which I said I would go to since my evening plans have changed) and he said, "Yeah, you should go since they run your life." To which I said, "No, they are an HOA. They don't rule or run my life. God rules my life." He stomped off saying, "I don't know why I bother talking to you about this stuff. You just don't get it." And, to which I said under my breath, "No my friend. It's you who does not get it." Anyone who thinks the stupid HOA runs their life and has that much control in their life has some serious issues. I'm thinking I'm not the crazy one here, LOL!

bryangt

Is this his first DUI? I was in his shoes...thinking I was above the law for many years. Beat a few DUI's...but over th course of my drinking career...received 3 DUI's and it snuck on me & hit me like a ton of bricks. My life has changed DRASTICALLY. I wake up and wonder, how did I get here. Did jail time 90 days--did 90 in rehab which changed my life and also cut the 180 days in half. In New Jersey--3 DUI's=10 years loss of license. I live in the country and struggle to get rides for groceries. Have no problem getting rides to my AA meetings though. Took a big pay cut due to not being able to drive...ride my bike to work whenever possible. Drained my IRA to survive & get thru rehab. I feel useless at times...my parents are aging & need my help but live 2 hours away. My children, although grown (in their 20's) have supported me, but know they can't call on me to come help them when they need it. I need AA & it's meetings--they are what keep me going and trudging forward. I never want to drink again...been sober 14 months and plan to stay that way. I waved the white flag...I surrendered...alcohol beat me, but I hope & pray that a new victory awaits.

sugarbear1

Al Anon may help you.

AA people may be willing to assist with rides.

Simple, not easy.

I wish you the best.
Hugs,

laurie6781

Me bad! I should have addressed that first, lmao

Does it really matter? Unless you are wanting to give 'your side' of what you have seen to the person doing the assessment. If he is ordered to a Rehab facility after his jail time, most rehabs have family counseling. However, with his attitude the way it is now, does not sound like he is ready to admit that he again has a problem. He seems to be in the 'mode' of 'the whole world is picking on him', like he is that important. lol

I understand that you really want the 'happy ending' and that he will get well and everything will go back to what it was before he picked up the booze again. Unfortunately, or fortunately that will not happen. Now he may find sobriety, and he may find som peace along the way, but it is going to take years, not weeks or months.

Maybe, it is time for you to take a nice large piece of paper (at least 8 1/2 x 11, or 8 1/2 x 14) draw a line down the middle. On one side at the top title it MY WANTS, on the other side title it MY NEEDS. Work on that for a few days. That too will take some time, lol and then when you think you are done, sit down and read it. You will be AMAZED and will probably have another AHA moment.

Being both a sober alcoholic and a 'codie' I was surprised when my Alanon Sponsor (also a double winner) had me do this for the first time., rofl It certainly gave me a new incite into me. I have done this several times over my recovery, and usually each time, I see 'my child within' trying to throw a temper tantrum, lmao

Anyway give it a try, it cannot hurt.

Hope the above helps.

Love and hugs,

Justfor1

Liz, I just got my right to drive after 3 DUI's. Please believe me when I say that the punishment doesn't fit the crime. Nor does the punishment even work because many people get multiple DUI's. Many people also continue to drive without a license. No license, no insurance, no problem is how some alcoholics look at it. The Secretary Of State in IL make it as difficult as possible to get your license back. The court system here is pretty forgiving but the Secretary Of State is not. I've been following your posts in the other forum & would like to tell you that yes your husband can manipulate the alcohol evaluator. Alcoholics are master manipulators & I was able to fool many "professionals" for years. Sadly, towards the end I could no longer con anyone & realized that I was a sick person. Heck, on my last DUI evaluation I showed up at 10AM intoxicated!

lizatola

Hi Justfor1, thank you for sharing. I agree that the punishment doesn't fit the crime especially here in AZ: it's extreme punishment but where's the rehabilitation to make sure there aren't repeat offenders?

It's funny but you've really brought to light the fact that 'he's going to do what he's going to do and I need to do what I need to do', no matter what. If he chooses to manipulate and lie, that will be his cross to bear. It will be unfortunate, though, because he's just delaying his own recovery if it were to happen. I have to work on my recovery and stop focusing on where he's NOT, because it's definitely not a healthy place.

Threshold

Yes, the AZ punishment for DUI, even for first offenders IS harsh. My best friend went through that last year. Based on his experience, I would say that no, no matter what your husband says, he won't "fool" the questioner, because no matter what your husband says, they are going to declare he has an alcohol issue and make him go to meetings and classes. There is money to be made, and pretty much everyone with DUI is declared a problem drinker and sent to classes.

My best friend is NOT an alcoholic, but he did drive after drinking that night. That IS a crime. Nuff said. And in AZ those are the things that follow committing THAT crime. Nuff said. Foot stomping etc doesn't do much good.

My friend did jail time, paid lots and lots of money, went to meetings and crappy therapy sessions, and had the interlock on his truck. Why? Because he drank and drove...whether or not he has a drinking problem truly is NOT the state's concern. Their concern is that he doesn't drink and drive again. Nuff said.

The state doesn't care if he drinks himself to death, it's not their issue. As long as he doesn't put anyone else in danger by drinking and driving, the rest is really HIS issue.

People whining about the crappy meetings, worthless therapists, pointless jail time...cause it didn't help them get better from their alcoholism, I think are missing the point. It is not the state's job to treat YOUR drinking problem. It's the state's job to identify criminals, punish them for their crime, and by doing so hopefully discourage them from repeating the crime.

Alcoholics jumping up and down and saying 'well, it didn't "work" for me, I went and drank and drove 100 MORE times, without a license and got three more DUI's" are simply refusing to take responsibility for their actions, trying to blame the justice system for not curing their drinking problem, or keeping them from repeating criminal behavior.

It is the drinker who has the ultimate responsibility for not repeating their criminal behavior. "Showing" the state, by continuing to drink and drive, by driving without a license or insurance etc...isn't showing anyone anything but that yeah, you have a serious drinking problem, you have NO respect for either authority, the law or the safety of the people around you,...or for yourself.

The only point those people are proving is that yes they do and did deserve every discomfort they got for their DUI.

The DUI laws are NOT stupid. They are there to protect everyone, INCLUDING the drunk driver from the preventable damage drunk driving leads to. I mean..if you drive into a tree or guard rail, you put your own life in danger, so the law is there to protect the driver too.

People who say the punishment doesn't fit the crime, IMO, have blinders on. Maybe they haven't seen enough mangled bodies cut out of cars and zipped into body bags. Maybe they haven't faced a family who has lost a loved one due to drunk driving, be it the family of the driver, or the family of a victim. Maybe they haven't talked to someone with paralysis due to their own drunk driving accident. It is NOT a victimless crime.

Complaining that the state doesn't fix our drinking problem, takes the attention off the real issue..taking responsibility for our own irresponsible behavior.

lizatola

Threshold, if only every state was as harsh as AZ! FYI: I'm not sitting here hoping my AH doesn't get the full penalty for his crime, but I would like to think that it will be effective at some sort of rehabilitation, too. I have a friend who lost her 4 year old niece a few years ago to a drunk driver and I agree that the law is here to do what it is supposed to do. Thank you for your post, it's a great reminder of what the law is for. My AH is a professional at the 'I'll show you' behavior. He refuses to wear his seatbelt (among other things like speeding and reckless driving) despite getting cited for it in 2 states and paying fines. He won't wear a seatbelt on an airplane, he fakes it, LOL. He doesn't like 'they' and fights 'them' in his own mind because everyone is against him, just ask. I'm surprised he hasn't gotten into more trouble with the law, especially when he was younger because he always had an 'f u' attitude. His dad and grandfather were police officers, too, so I find it surprising honestly.