heathersweeds

I just realized I lived many years without boundaries. I am a people pleaser and spend hours in agony with resentment towards the people I try to please. Because I have no boundaries. This is an awful seek seeking behavior and it kills me that my true nature is a sick self seeking alcoholic

Sally1009

I'm a bit of a people pleaser myself, and can get into a real tangle with doing nice things for people, then resenting them when those same people treat me badly.
Try not to beat yourself up though, as it leads to low self esteem, which can trigger a relapse.
Are you working a program of recovery, such as AA?

midgetcop

I think I suffer from the same thing, heathersweeds. I'm working on changing, but sometimes it's hard when you've been a doormat for so long...

heathersweeds

Hey Sally- Thank you and yes I am big into AA. I talked to my sponcor and always tells me look at my part in the situation or what someone isn't behaving like you want them to.....oh yeah, I think to myself, why would they? My own daughter said to me once mom, it's not HA (for Heathers annonymous) lol!!!


Hey Midgetcop- I know how you feel. I was told to start being true to self. Start with some boundaries. The people closest to you, that aren't used to you setting them, may not applaud this lol but sobriety is first priority. They'll come around!

LewisLady

Hello-I am really new to this. My husband is starting the SMART recovery literature and meetings. He's been sober for several weeks. I do not know who to ask, but someone has to know something about this-Have you ever observed someone in recovery acting like they are under the influence? And they have NOT been drinking? Once in a while there is a smell of alcohol on the breath, then it goes away. A urine test comes up negative. I wonder if it is some by-product of the liver being excreted during the de-tox phase. Please let me know! This is a hard road. I have much empathy for any and all family members, and those trying to break free of alcohol abuse- my heart goes out to you!!

TigerLili

I am such a people pleaser, I really relate. I have found that Alanon has helped me develop boundaries and detach. If you know an alcoholic, you're welcome in Alanon. It's not just for families of alcoholics. My AA friends encouraged me to go to Alanon.

Taking5

LL -

You should consider posting this on its own thread in the "friends and family" section - Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Having said that, there are drugs that can definitely cause you to act inebriated, but none that I know of that make you smell like booze.

Who is administering the urine tests and why?

sissy07

Well, be introduced to the people pleaser extraordinare. I even did things for people against my better judgement and gut feelings. Finally I realized that saying "no" to those things that were too much, and I was surprised at how much self-respect if experienced, and well as respect from others. Practice makes it easier. I found that it I don't say "yes" immediately to those request for help or whatever, I change my mind to people please, and to have good reasons(s) for not doing what was asked of me. Self security and self-respect has a lot to do with this, and you will see both increase when you are not a puppet. Ofcourse, there are times when you, as a friend or relative, that you should help the person. But when asked, give yourself time to thnk about what sayding yes will involve. That is not being mean or lack of compassion....it just means being true to yourself. It is hard at first, but gets easier. Much luck.

2granddaughters

These are the awakenings we experience as we travel along in AA.
Keep coming as there are many more to be experienced.

All the best.

Bob R

foodie1

Right there with ya sister! It's so neat to crawl out of my head and see there's a whole big wide world out here with other people, who would've thunk it?! Finally I'm learning to be less self-absorbed, and loving every second of it.

LAdrunkard

This issue reminds of the time I was a teacher in continuation school and we would have staff meetings where we would be given our supplies and books to put in our cars to take to our individual school sites. One time a female teacher said to us male teachers "You all look like such strong guys, can some of you put my boxes in my car? And we all, like good little soldiers, carried her heavy boxes to her car. She would do the same thing every staff meeting, no matter if the boxes were heavy or not. I developed a deep resentment at her because, eventhough I was as old as her, nearing 60, I kept myself in great shape, and she always picked me to do her dirty work, because I was "such a strong man". I dreaded seeing her because I had a hard time saying no eventhough she was in perfectly good health. One day I decided I would have none of it . When she came up to me I was ready. She said the same thing everytime "You're such a strong looking man, can you put my boxes in the car, you're so nice." I replied "Naw, I don't play the gender thing. I don't want to do that no more". She was totally shocked and said, fumbling her words, "Oh come on, don't be that way". And I stood my ground and said "Nope"and walked away. We were good friends and socialized at the meeting, until that day. I felt extremely empowered. Some time later that same year I saw another female teacher playing the exact same game with some of the male teachers and one day she picked me, but of course I was more than prepared because I had concluded that I am a caring person who will help anyone in need but will not be taken advantage of anymore. She came up to me and said the same thing the other teacher had said "You look like such a strong man, can you put the boxes in my car?" I replied, "I don't play the gender game, but if you need assistance, there is a hand truck right there next to you". She gave the same shocked look the other teacher had given. Then I added, and you can always make more than one trip if they're too heavy. If she had made more of an issue with this I would have told her "If you think that's a man's job, then I will move the boxes if you come to my classroom and vacuum and dust and clean the tables, since that's a woman's job". I was never asked again by either of them and my resentments miraculoulsy vanished, and I would always giggle internally when I would see the other male teachers obeying their commands like little puppets. I've applied this same thing to other situations and it is important for me to be aware that I cannot in turn take advantage of others good nature either. That's why I try real hard to be self sufficient and only ask for help when it is absolutely necessary. And I expect the same of others.

Music

Expectations are nothing more than pre-meditated resentments. I can spend my whole life trying to please others and be miserable or I can please myself and hope others benefit from the experience of knowing me.

Veritas1

The book "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud may be helpful.