BlueEyedBoy

Here in the UK it is just past 1am, and that marks my fifth day of sobriety. I have posted before about my current situation, and how I relapsed and tried taking my own life. I have been back with my parents since I was let out of the hospital, and they've basically just kept me under wraps and given me lots of love.

People in AA back where I live (my parents live in a different city to me) have been in touch and have been so supportive. A number of friends have also been texting and ringing me to see how I am. I even spent a few hours yesterday with my best friend. I seem surrounded by such support and love.

And I am absolutely disgusted in myself. All these people are here for me after I have put them all through such worry, pain and anguish with my alcoholism. My poor parents only found out I was seriously ill when the doctors from the hospital rang them to say I was being sectioned if someone didn't come to supervise me. They don't deserve this level of concern. And my friends...they're been living with my relapses and attempts at sobriety and the constant lies for a while now. Yet they still reach out to me. People in AA share their hope, strength, wisdom, time and advice with me, and all I do is relapse and let them down. But they still care.

I have been given a really lucky opportunity to start a type of rehab on Monday. As I still work and start back on Monday I am having treatment in the evenings and at weekends. They're giving me medication such as Antabuse, lots of therapy and reviewing my mental health (they think I have bipolar). This is all FREE on the NHS, and I feel so privileged. I WANT my life back. In truth the trauma of trying to end my own life- of feeling that despairingly and hopeless- has shocked me so deeply that I haven't even thought about drinking. I am disgusted at alcohol. It has taken so much from me. But I am not sure I even deserve another chance. I feel like a failure as a human being.

When I tried to end my own life I did it whilst house sitting for a friend who was in New York. He is so understandably angry with me as the police who came with the ambulance men had to ring him (in NYC) to say they needed to arrange someone to look after the house. He had to frantically contact his parents, who had to come out and sort out the mess I left behind. I am so angry as I feel like I let him down after he had trusted me to look after his house. I knew I shouldn't have been alone, but I just wanted to try and be responsible.

I guess I am ranting but it just feels like I don't deserve any of this. But I really do want to try and rebuild my life. I just feel so painfully wracked with guilt after hurting all those I love. And yet despite it, they still seem to care about me.

Dee74

I think if there's something a lot of us can do well it's beat ourselves up BEB.

We all have regrets and shameful memories and guilt - and sometimes I think years of drinking can really do a number on our self esteem too.

I was sober a month or two before I realised just how much alcohol had coloured my perceptions of myself and the world...it's really insidious like that.

You seem to have a ton of people telling you you *are* worth all the love care support and attention...I'd listen to them...and I think you'll come to see they're right

Amends will come later when you're stronger and more prepared to face that.

Whatever happened in the past we can't change a second - but we can take today and use everything we have, & everything we're given, to it's full potential.

None of us is that bad we don't deserve a second chance BlueEyedBoy

D

Sapling

I think you need to quit with the "You don't deserve it" stuff...That will get you nowhere...And it looks like a lot of people think you do...Hang on to that. Get yourself cleaned up in rehab...Prepare yourself to work the program of AA...The 12 Steps...And you can have a new life and enjoy your time with these people that love and care for you. You have all the support you need...Now you just need to do your part...Put in the effort....It works...It really does.....Best of luck to you.

Purplecatlover

BEB, you do deserve to live a healthy life.
You made mistakes, we all have.
But the great thing is you have this enormous support system & a fantastic chance to make all things new again.
Work at it with all you've got & give that love back to your friends & family by being healthy. They want you around b/c they love you.
Don't let alcohol destroy anymore of your life or soul.
I'm rooting for you.

Hollyanne

Hi Blue,
Of course you are loved!
And of course you deserve to be loved.
You just get and stay sober and that is payback and thanks enough!
Remember, if you had succeeded in taking your own life, all these people would be devastated. There is your motivation right there.
Your friend with the house will get over it!
You didn't burn it down or have a massive blow-out party did you?
That might be enough to keep him mad.
If he gives someone grief over a suicide attempt, he probably needs a kick in the pants.
There is a time and a place for righteous indignation, and that is not it.
If work is too much right now for you, take a break.
Sometimes though, it is good to have the purpose of work.
What do you do?
Oh and don't forget HALT.
Don't get Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.
Take the love that you obviously earned and put down the stick!

CarolD

Once I started my formal Step work...I went from often shakey
sobriety into solid recovery....so I suggest you give that a go...

BTW...I've not tried suicide since I finally quit drinking...tho I did attempt
that final end 3 times as an active alcoholic
Depression is why I decided to quit drinking.

Please don't give up ...your new life is waiting....