Marcusk87

I constantly think about killing myself.

Live

Please get medical help asap, go to the emergency room if you need to.
Suicidal ideation is a signal of real and serious illness.
I know this to be true, I have an illness that without proper medication, suicidal thoughts hound and plague me to exhaustion.
It IS treatable.
I have been seeing an excellent psychiatrist (hard to find but worth the effort) for about a year. Not only do I not have those thoughts but my quality of life over the past year has improved dramatically and I look forward to a full return of my well, fun and adventuresome self.
Please don't wait, the longer you wait, the longer it can take to recover.
Also there is a hotline number down further in the mental health forums.
I am reaching out my hand to you, both as someone who has had these struggles and as the devastated mother of a suicided son.

davaidavai

Been there, often am there. Although in my better moments, it's clear to me that this is a stage, a bottom, the first step in opening up, a ham handed way of beseaching God/the universe/meaning to step into your life when really you (I) just don't see that it's already there surrounding all of us. I ran that theory by a Tibetan buddhist monk and he totally didn't get it, the nature of that sort of dark pleading, retorted some priestly rigmarole. Anyway, he's wrong and I'm right.

AA is helpful. Texts are helpful. There are somedays now, when the thought never crosses my head. Look into yourself, be honest, let God/the universe/whatever carry you where you are right now. Give over some of the load.

davaidavai

I'm sorry if that sounds idiotic and smug in the face of your suffering. I've found the chatroom here very helpful in the face of despair. Maybe see you there sometime if you'd like to talk about it.

Marcusk87

I'm so depressed I can't even type a real response to this post. I am not so fearless to kill myself, so don't worry about that right now (I promise). I'm sorry to hear about your son Live. I wish somebody would just pick me up and take care of me. If anybody out there has ever been where Im at they might understand that there's really no better way of explaining it except I wish I was dead. I'm sorry for leaving such an undetailed post. I also don't know anybody replying to this message, and I don't really listen when people say "go to a hospital". Has anybody really been suicidal? I hate my life. And to be honest I am tired of lying. I'm sorry for being so secluded with my self description but I am just so damn tired and I wish somebody would just pick me up and take me away to a place where things were happy.

Dee74

Hi Markus - I'm sorry you feel so low.

there's a whole lot of reading here, and a lot of numbers - that may help

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

I think it's important to remember that things can and do turn around - the way we feel right now isn't forever

I spent my 20s thinking my life would always be a certain way - but I've been proven wrong

There's a lot of people who want to help Markus - make some calls

D

Live

Yeah, Marcus I really have been suicidal.
This is embarassing to admit but a short while after I joined this site, my grown daughter loaded me up in her car, in worn slept in sweats and house shoes and drug me in to see a dr.
Since then, yes, I really have taken myself and/or asked someone to take me to the emergency room.
Worse yet was waking up in the hospital with a ventilator shoved down my throat, almost overdosing, simply because I was utterly desperate for sleep, misdiagnosed and misprescribed. That outted my secret to my whole family in a way I never wanted to have happen.
I won't repeat what I have posted to you in the mental health forums, but I am getting the best medical care I have ever gotten now with real results, a combination of proper medications first and foremost that allows me to have a clear mind, work on my issues in high quality therapy, goals,plans and more reason for hope than ever.
It is treatable.
I seriously doubted that at times, for good reasons.
But with high quality care, I now know it is.

Morning Glory

Are any of these meetings near you?

DRA Meetings in New Jersey

BlueEyedBoy

Markus....I tried to kill myself 6 days ago. I can't even properly remember it as I was so manic at the time. But as soon as I 'did the deed' I realised I wanted to live, and got myself to the ER. If I had left it any longer though I don't know what would have happened. PLEASE don't sit alone with these thoughts like I did. Tell someone...Samaritans, a doctor, go to the ER, reach out to SOMEONE, go to AA.....thoughts won't kill you, but actions may.

Sending you lots of love and support my friend!

Hollyanne

Hi Marcus,
Yes, have felt like you.
Hang in there.
I am not going to tell you call someone.
You know that is the thing to do, but while screaming loneliness tears us up, we just won't get help.
Why is that?
Go to a meeting and pick the saddest looking person there and be kind to them.
It will come right back to you.
Mind me asking?, what was the argy-bargy with AA peep about?
Anger is often very closely related to sadness/depression.
That is why suicide is violent sometimes. Violence against oneself.
A big hug from Ireland for you.
:ghug3

2granddaughters

First. Be sure your doctor knows right where you are at.

I was right there in 1989. Had a gun in my car and was sitting in the driveway of the Recovery Home. It was all I could do to choose the Home at that moment ... but I did.
I often smile and look up to God and say "I can't believe it's 2012, never thought I would see 1990"

The 90 days in the Recovery Home got me on the track to be able to accept A.A.. I needed that "intensive care" in the beginning.

I picked for my sponsor in AA an oldtimer who had years of sobriety and a great attitude and common sense.. and I hung onto him like a leech . I rode his shirttails and did everything he did. I told my sponsor how I felt and what I thought and he appropriately encouraged or corrected me.

HollyAnne has good advice. Pick a winner to emulate and a suffering soul to soothe.

COMMIT to AA, don't just be "involved" !

Wishing you the best.

Bob R

sugarbear1

Hugs and prayers sent your way.

Please seek help. You are loved and cared about. You can get help and get better.

My son's daddy isn't here on this planet. His mom and I wonder if he had a moment of clarity at the wrong split second. We'll never know now.

We need you here!! You have gifts that others need to know...only YOU can provide those gifts. Please seek help.

Call the suicide hotline and talk to someone who's been there. You aren't alone.
1-800-784-2433

Love,

Sally1009

Hiya Markus,
I too know what it's like to have thoughts of killing yourself. It's so hard to live this life sometimes. But alcohol distorts our thinking, destroys our ability to see things clearly. Give life another chance, and as I heard a buddhist say, "Don't leave before the miracle happens'.
Sending you positive thoughts.

Marcusk87

I have this guy i've known for about 4 years. I took him out to "see a movie" last night, he decides to go to the bar next door before the movie. So now we're sitting in the movie and I realize he's not my friend I am enabling him because I have no friends and I don't want to be lonely. He should have been left alone at home last night because he isnt trying to change, and theres a reason why everybody I know in AA has told me to stay away from this guy. The reality is, I just realized, is because I have never worked on myself so hard I let this guy tell me what to do. So as I thought about this I just got up and left the movie and while walking in the parking lot I told him to go **** himself and he starts talking like a gangster (thats what he does when hes afraid) and that pissed me off more and I started shoving him around. I didnt have the balls to just leave him at the mall, which I should have. I can't say no to this person, I always have this "sympathy" which is really my assbackwards way of having somebody before my sobriety.

whatevername

You never know what is behind door number two.
I too have been down that road and as someone mentioned earlier, as soon as I did the deed ...I instantly knew I wanted to live.
Keep the faith , tough times don't last, tough people do.
All the best.

BlueMoon

I had been suicidal for a VERY long time when I almost managed to actually kill myself. The last thought I had before I lost consciousness was “OMFG – I’ve changed my mind!”

There have been times since then that I have really wanted to be dead – but that horrible feeling of having changed my mind too late haunts me and makes me seek help.

You’re not alone. You’re not the only one.

Blue

Hollyanne

I had typed and deleted about people changing their minds after they had taken action to take their life.
I see now, it is ok to say it.
The result is that many are found with obvious signs of having changed their minds.
It is not spoken of.
It is horrific to see that someone has tried and failed to loosen a rope or regurgitate the drugs, or call for help.
It is often a moment of insanity.
There is a real belief that life for those left behind is better without them.
Has anyone ever known the survivors of a suicide victim say, "Oh good, we were really tired of dealing with that fellow's shenanigans" ?
No, they are broken-hearted and face a life of "what-ifs".
I am going through a rough patch at the moment and explained to a friend that I don't have that on my mind, as I know that my family and friends would be destroyed by it.
She simply said, "If you know that, and it stops you, you are not suicidal".
Any thoughts?

By the way Marcus, I think you can definitely stay away from that moron.
He is no good for you.
In my experience of AA, if they tell you stay away from someone, that person is bad news!
AA people are very tolerant.
"Better your own company, than bad company."

Hollyanne

Sorry, Second post, but, BlueMoon, so glad you made it back to us.
Isn't it fantastic that you are here today?
So fantastic!

BlueMoon

. . . She simply said, "If you know that, and it stops you, you are not suicidal".
Any thoughts?

i don't want to hijack Marcusk87's post - but i have to say that i STRONGLY disagree with that statement.
Knowing i have pneumonia doesn't make me not have it. No difference for brain glitches/disorders/malfunctions - whatever you want to call it.


(and yes, it's a miracle that i am here)

Blue

CarolD

Yes,,,,the last 5 years I was an active alcoholic...I did try suicide 3
times. I was a mentally depressed woman directly caused by alcohol.

I'm so glad I failed....the last 23 years have given me so much joy
and living the AA lifestyle gives me a purpose...

Plese get whatever assistance available ...someone needs YOU somewhere....