Rock Bottom?
 

I'm not an alcoholic. My fiance has a drinking problem. I've been getting all kinds of helpful advice, like run like the wind! I'd like to ask from your perspectives as people with a problem, trying to overcome it, what made you decide you'd had enough? Did you have to lose it all to decide that you couldn't live that lifestyle any longer? Did it require you to hit rock bottom?

I think a bottom is a decision, not necessarily an event, upintheair.

It's the moment when you know you can't live this way any longer.
I drank to ridiculous lengths - but it didn't have to be that way.

I was lucky I had a moment of clarity before I ran out of luck.

I hope your fiance will have their moment of clarity - and I hope you'll remember to take care of yourself too.

I won't tell you to leave stay or do anything, but living with an alcoholic can be a long and rocky road ahead of you.

I know you have SR but do you have any other support network?

D

I had alot of bottoms along the way and none of them were ever deep enough until it started to directly affect how I function physically. Just getting hammered, being belligerent or other asinine abusive behaviour is not going to stop it most of the time.

It should be noted though that there are people here on this website that are in failing health and still imbibe. Your Fiance will likely need to make the decision themselves before they can stop for good. It is not likely that any amount of goading from you will stop the behavior. Sorry to have to put it so bluntly but your Fiance has to want it for themselves and no one else before recovery can begin.

I had a lot of bottoms and almost lost everything that I had worked for. One day I decided that I was tired of falling and I was willing to do something about it. If you run, that's up to you. I'm thankful, that my partner didn't run from me, because now our relationship is better than it ever was. He had to endure a lot of pain, but that's what love is all about in my book. Some people never seem to hit bottom, each tragedy is a little bit worse, and the pull of the alcohol just continues to suck them down. Hopefully your fiance will wake up one day to the reality of his behavior. However, whether that day comes, when that day comes, nobody knows.

Agree with Dee.

Bottom is a decision. A decision that we're free to make anywhere along the way. Some of us are more stubborn....or maybe just unable to see the damage....than others. So, some need to lose more before they finally say "ouch" and get willing to make some changes.

Pain, in it's various forms, seems to be the primary motivator (fear, loss, physical pain, etc). How much pain, loss, fear, etc each person will take before they get willing to change, that's impossible to say. You certainly DO NOT have to "lose it all." (though most of us had to lose a helluva lot).

We were still engaged when my wife figured out I had a real serious drinking problem. I still remember her shouting at me that she didn't want marry a f'ing alcoholic. I kept drinking for a couple years after that, and despite my repeated failed attempts at sobriety she married me.

I kept drinking after we were married, and she kept catching me. I didn't have to lose it all to quit drinking. But I came close. I'm blessed to have had my wifes love and support, and she had my back all the way through when I got sober. Preserving my marriage was a force multiplier in my recovery. I don't know that I'd have found the motivation on my own for a long time, if at all. Like Dee said, bottom is a relative term.

All that being said, my gut says run like hell. But then I wouldn't be married now if my wife felt that way now would I?

I guess you'll have to decide for yourself. My only advice is that if you do marry him, don't do it with the expectation that you will change him.

my bottom was homeless,...broke,...no job,...family didn't want me around,...and so on

What's your rock bottom? You have no way of knowing what your fiance's breaking point is going to be, or if they even have one. I'd start thinking about YOUR boundaries if I were you.

Though not alcohol (I'm a recovering crack addict) my last bf's bottom was death (we shared the same addiction).

I hit MY bottom over 5 years ago, he never did. It's different for everyone, and sadly...for some it is death. There are plenty of posts on here about alcoholics who are dying from their disease. I hate it, I'm grateful that I hit my bottom before reaching that point, but it's a possibility.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

The idea of a "rock bottom" was the scariest thing ever, for me. Simply because, after losing a job, burning every last bridge, losing my soul mate, my friends and family, I still felt like I had not hit "bottom".

At first, I thought I was a victim, alcohol grabbed me by the neck and dragged me through hell and back. However, once an individual takes a look back on their past, and learns a little bit about alcoholism, they are no longer a victim. Any subsequent relapse after this realization is nothing but a bad decision, and the "bottom" idea loses all its value or meaning.

This is the one thing I learned in rehab, the power of choice.

Thoroughly as scary as the "rock bottom" idea was, if I understand the consequences, and still choose to drink, what is wrong with me? How insane am I?

Addicts and alcoholics can tell the future when it comes to them, and their mental and physical relationship with alcohol. We know where it will bring us, but sometimes we still do it anyway.

Thankfully, I have not lost everything, I took the idea that history repeats itself and chose not to be part of it.

There isn't an ALANON chapter within a hundred miles of here. I'm not really all that co-dependent. My fiance and I have been together in a long-distance relationship for about two years. The most I've done to enable him is to stay in a relationship with him. It's been in the last year that his drinking has escalated into a problem. I've spoken to his family (he'd already come clean to them) and they've assured me he's not had a problem in the past.

I've not decided what to do yet. I want to be supportive, but I also know I have to do what's best for myself. I don't want to run because I believe he really does want to quit. He did things that were completely irrational and out of character for himself(no, he didn't cheat on me) thinking he was hiding his problem. I know him pretty well so I sussed it out fairly quickly.

When the drinking escalated I began speaking to him gently about the problem until finally telling him I wouldn't marry a drunk. He told me he'd stop over and over and didn't. When he finally decided he'd stop to prove to me he could, it was harder than he thought it would be and it scared him and forced him to face the fact he has a bigger problem than he thought.

He mostly drinks about the equivalent of two beers during the weekdays and on the weekends who knows how much. Sometimes it's a few beers, but he strung together quite a few weekends where he started on hard liquor when he got home on Friday and drank until Sunday night. He was buying pints and when he'd empty one, he'd go buy another and another. I have no idea, really, how much. I don't think he really does either. But when he'd get started he'd drink until he fell asleep and then wake up in the morning and start over, with hair of the dog, and drink until he fell asleep that night again until Sunday night.

I will admit things hit a fevered pitch about two weeks ago when I had to face the reality of the situation. I've been walking around in a fog for the past two weeks just trying to get my head around this. I've been reading, reading, reading. He wants to try to do this on his own and is saying all the right things, but he did break my trust so I'm not sure how to approach this.


I can't decide if he's really done with it or if he thinks he can still dabble.

If he's still drinking, then he's not done with it - that the bottom line I think.

D

He says he hasn't had a drink since March 27. That's when the proverbial s&%@ hit the fan.

I'm trying not to pester him about his drinking. I'm not his mother and made it clear that I wasn't taking him to raise. I'm expecting a grown up, not a child.

Right now I'm still trying to get over the fact that he lied to me about his drinking in the past. I knew immediately that he lied(he's not very good at it).

I AM an alcoholic. I’ve been sober for 20yrs. My husband of 20yrs is also an alcoholic. He has struggled with his sobriety. I get to see both sides of the coin.

At one point, I’d lost my home, my job and custody of my son. I drank for another year. “My bottom” was when I woke up one bright sunshiny day in so much emotional and physical pain that I was willing to DO ANYTHING to make it stop. “Bottom” is different for everyone.

Look at your fiancé . . . your life . . . when he is totally sh!tfaced, the lies, when the rent money is spent on alcohol, the “best job ever” is lost, the driver’s license is lost, the psych unit at the hospital calls at 2am to tell you the police brought him in, the police are at the door – again - and ask yourself : “Is this where I want to be in 5 – 10 – 20 years?”

I didn’t think that’d ever happen either.

You need to understand that YOU can not get him to stop. YOU can not “fix” him. You can not LOVE him sober. THE BEST thing you can possibly do – for you AND for him - is to take care of yourself. Find a support system. AL-ANON. The Friends + Family forum here at SR. ANYthing.
Highly recommended : “Getting Them Sober” by Toby Rice Drew

If you decide to stay, stay with your eyes wide open and no false hopes.

Blue

That is exactly why I came to this forum to ask some questions. I'm not so hardheaded to think that I can fix him. I do want to know what I'm in for.

That said, he says he wants to fix himself FOR himself. That this isn't the life he wants for himself. I know he won't/can't quit for for me. But if he is serious about doing it for himself, because he wants a better life, then yes, I'd be willing to support him through that. That's about all I can do anyway...be the voice on the other end of the phone when he's having an anxious moment and needs a friend.

Fact of the matter is, if that is the life he wants he'd be better off without me and I'd be better off without him.

Oh, and I am taking care of myself. Like I said, I've been walking around in a fog for about two weeks, but I'm still dealing with me. I have friends and family that I go out and do things with and am getting back into my routine of running and doing the things I like to do. It took me about a week to get my legs back underneath me, but I'm getting there.

I'm just not much of a hand holder or a molly coddler. I tell him like it is, but I'm still there when he needs an ear. That's all I've been able to promise at this point.

Fact of the matter is, if that is the life he wants he'd be better off without me and I'd be better off without him.

While this is very true, some people have a hard time letting go. Realizing that you cannot control another person is a great thing. What it all boils down to is whether or not you care enough for your own happiness, peace of mind, serenity, etc., to do what is necessary, even if you still love the person.

this is SOME of what I'm going thru :

Everything I listed in my previous post - minus the driver's license that he lost 5 years ago - has happened in the last 6 months.

he spent thanksgiving in jail instead of with son + g-daughters
lost the best job he's ever had
5 days in the local psych ward then back to jail
had to stay in jail all of December . . .
got out Jan 4th + was drunk again by Jan. 30
spent Feb. + Mar. "really trying" but couldn't stay sober more than 10 days at a time
got drunk Mar. 31 and got arrested again - prob'ly in jail til the end of the month - IF he's lucky - he's facing a 4 year prison term due to still more drunken stupidity.

When he's sober but wants to be drunk he lies and he steals - doesn't matter if the rent needs paid, if groceries need to be bought, if medication is needed . . . doesn't matter who he's lying to or stealing from . . . ALCOHOL comes first.

This man is SO LOVED and RESPECTED - by the AA community as well as non-AA peeps. He once had 7yrs sober. He was often asked to be the speaker at different AA events. Sober, he is THE most awesome man ever. Drunk? Well, drunk he's in jail.

I'm learning all sorts of legal tems and procedures that I'd really rather not know about. commissary, probation, revoked, lock down . . . that 30 days in county REALLY means 24 days, 4 yrs REALLY means about 18 months . . . I've learned how to call the Psych ward . . . the Clerk of Court, the District Attorney, the Public Defender, County Seriff, the Jail and get information . . . I know how to put money on his commissary account, on the special phone acct your need for him to be able to call . . . I know the visitation rules - days - times . . .

NOT saying all alcoholics are like this. I wasn't. I'm just that this is what's happening in my little corner of the world.


One last thought - just because you make a decision today, does not mean that you can't make a different decision tomorrow. I will love my husband forever. But my decision to stay is on a daily basis.

Blue

Thanks, Blue.

I keep reminding myself I don't have to make a decision today. I'm waiting to see what he does with this from here. Mostly I'm doing a lot of listening, watching and thinking. Lots and lots of thinking.

He's a precious person. Has a heart as big as Texas. He's not a mean drunk, though he does like a good philosophical debate...he tends to believe once he's drunk he can solve the problems of the world. Only problem is he's slurring and talking off the wall.