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Rock Bottom?

Old 04-13-2012, 09:22 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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By the way, I'm sorry for what you're going through with your husband.

My brain hurts from all the thinking. While I'm not really all that co-dependent I still like to solve problems. I tend to obsess about them until they're solved. I'm pretty tenacious. Sometimes to my own detriment. So I keep reminding myself, this isn't my problem to fix. I can't fix this. His sobriety is not my responsibility. I'm just trying to decide what my limits are. I don't think they're too far in the distance and I have to tell myself it's okay if that is the solution.

I was married before, myself. My step-son went to jail for a time. I kept thinking "why do I know how to put money on someone's account in jail?" I learned things I never wanted to know.
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Old 04-13-2012, 09:42 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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thank you. it's a hard time for everyone involved - but we'll get thru it.

I've learned that when my brain hurts, it's time to STOP THINKING about it for a while! Easy to say, hard to do. I can relate to the obsessive feeling - wanting to get it figured out - NOW! I've had to learn that sometimes it's just not time to KNOW the answer yet - maybe all the facts I need aren't "in" yet . . . Sometimes I just have to LET IT GO - at least for a while - and especially when it involves another person. Again, easy to say, HARD to do. Read a book, watch a movie, listen to LOUD MUSIC (my fav.) - something to switch channels for a bit and give yourself a break. The situation will still be there in an hour. (How reassuring! not)

Keep reminding yourself where the lines are - what's yours and what's his. There's still alot of days I have to pretty much remind myself of those things every 5 minutes. That's ok.

I'm laughing at your comment about knowing things about JAIL! It's twisted, but it's nice to know someone knows what I"m talkin' about in that regard.

Blue

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Old 04-17-2012, 02:11 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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My fiance and I are in a long-distance relationship, but skype pretty much all weekend. In other words, I see him a lot. He's never been very good at hiding his drinking, even over the phone. He slurs and isn't really capable of carrying on a coherent conversation as he talks kind of off the wall. Nothing he says makes a whole lot of sense.

After my last visit I pretty much called things off because he lied to me about his drinking and drank before driving me to the airport and then going to work. I didn't call things off because he drinks too much, but because of the dishonesty and because he endangered my life, his life, and the lives of everyone else on the road.

Since that day he says he hasn't had a drink. I believe him because when I speak with him I can tell he's very clear and coherent. He says he wants to quit drinking for himself, but at the same time would like to preserve our relationship. He says he scared himself that day and hated the person he'd become. I don't want to do him any damage in his recovery. As I said before I'm not good with the hand holding.

This past weekend I went out of town and wasn't all that available, though I called him several times. Instead of drinking he went to his parents and had movie night and spent the night with them. He's come clean to them about everything he's done and they are supportive of him as well.


For those of you whose spouses/partners stood by you:

1) Did you lie to them about your alcohol use? Did you hide it from them? In short, were you dishonest with them about any of it?

2) What was the best thing they did to support you?

3) If you were dishonest, how did they get past the dishonesty and trust you again?

Thanks, guys, for letting me hop the fence into your neighborhood.
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Old 04-17-2012, 02:45 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by upintheair View Post
...
For those of you whose spouses/partners stood by you:

1) Did you lie to them about your alcohol use? Did you hide it from them? In short, were you dishonest with them about any of it?

2) What was the best thing they did to support you?

3) If you were dishonest, how did they get past the dishonesty and trust you again?

Thanks, guys, for letting me hop the fence into your neighborhood.
1) Yes. Over and over

2) Loved me, believed in me. Gave me full support when working to get sober, but came down like a ton of bricks when I wasn't. Never showed any enabling or co-dependent behaviour.

3) Time. Showing a sustained pattern of behaviour. The best advice on this issue I got in early recovery was this: 'Don't apologize. Let your actions be your apology for now. After you've been sober a year, then give your apology'. I always liked that advice. Actions, not words.
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Old 04-17-2012, 02:49 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by upintheair View Post
I'm not an alcoholic. My fiance has a drinking problem. I've been getting all kinds of helpful advice, like run like the wind! I'd like to ask from your perspectives as people with a problem, trying to overcome it, what made you decide you'd had enough? Did you have to lose it all to decide that you couldn't live that lifestyle any longer? Did it require you to hit rock bottom?

hello well if you want help the best way is to the Family/Friends Of Alcoholics Section. There you can get help with others whose friends, husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends are alcoholics but not themselves Hope I helped Though I guess we alcoholics can help too
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Old 04-17-2012, 06:06 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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He'll take you down right along with him.People don't listen to advice unless it's something they already want to do anyway.For God's sake don't let him get you pregnant.
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Old 04-17-2012, 06:28 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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1. Yes
2. Loved me, remained my friend, required me to go to detox
3. Verbatim what BASEjumper said
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Old 04-18-2012, 10:02 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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I had enough of the being sick and tired and hating myself every day about 25 years ago. I had gone to a treatment facility for 2 weeks, it didn't stick but I had so much information now and knew I was an alcoholic and then I did something about it and I'm so grateful a day at at ime that I do not drink anymore and have AA to thank for it and the wonderful people I met. I had to totally humble myself to walk into a meeting and shut up and listen to others that were sober to find out how to stay sober. one thing led to another and I started to recover. I never looked back. some folks like my husband had to hit a rock bottom, his was death at the age of 56. he was sober for many years and then picked back up again and drank himself to death last year. I am so grateful that I didn't drink during what was the most difficult time of my life. I saw what it did to that beautiful, wonderful, kind, loving man and I didn't want to go that path. I chose life, he chose death and it's very sad. this disease kills, alcohol wins every time. it destroyed my life again and I didn't even pick up a drink. I'm praying for you, anyone connected to an active alcoholic or someone struggling with it should think hard about what it can do to you and to your family, your finances, your jobs, your emotional health, friends etc. it takes everything from you systematically, it is the great remover, it wins every stinking time unless the A puts it down on their own and seeks help on their own and has strong recovery. take care and beware....m
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