Diva76

I'm curious...
Have any one of you chosen to become romantically involved with someone who didn't drink thinking it would solve your drinking problem?
Sometimes I wonder why my former boyfriend sought me out in the first place?
I don't drink or smoke cigarettes at all!
Wouldn't it make more "sense" to chose a partner who does the same things?
I remember him once saying to me that he wanted something different...
Can anyone relate?
Of course, if I truly knew the extent of his drinking, I would have never gotten involved with him, but I didn't know at the time...
Also, it's been a little over 6 months since I have spoken with him and I was considering reaching out to him...
Don't get me wrong...
I am well aware that I cannot fix him, nor would I even attempt to try doing that....
My purpose would simply be to see how he is doing?
Before we got together, we were friends and I'm
at a point in my recovery that I can think of him
as a friend whom I had a brief romantic encounter with...
I'll admit, I have been hesitant to put this thread out there as I am not fond of some of the sarcastic responses I sometimes see on this site..
I'm ok with receiving feedback supporting or not supporting my desire to reach out to him, as long as people are gentle with me....

With my counselor, I have already set some of my own boundaries as far as what I will and will not say if I do decide to call him...

#1 I will not ask him how he still feels about me.
#2 I will not check up on whether or not he's been drinking.
#3 I will simply ask him how he's been doing?
#4 And, I will share a little about what's been going on with me...

And that's it!

Thank you for allowing me to share...

All the best,


Diva 76

Sally1009

Hi Diva, welcome to SR.
I was married to a lovely man for 27 years, who died tragically of cancer 3 years ago. He was a light social drinker, and a psychologist too. But he couldn't help me. Even with all his knowledge and expertise, he was unable to stop the progression of my disease, as much as I was unable to stop the progression of his. I made him suffer so much, and I got angry that he couldnt help me. I'm grateful I was a late starter with alcohol- that for most of our marriage I didnt drink. But like with your guy, I somehow hoped my husband's sobriety would save me, but it didn't. It can't.
The only person than can save your boyfriend is him.
Six months is a long time.. Are you really sure you want to start things up again? Anyway, I hope you get some strength from this site. I certainly have.
Good luck.

Diva76

Hello Sally...

Thank you for your reply. I am so sorry for your loss. I can only begin to imagine how much you must still miss him. But, in spite of the loss you expereinced, I am so very glad that you have maintained your sobriety.
It's funny you mentioned his psychology background. I am in my last semester of my Psychology program myself, however, I still have to remind mylself not to take what happened at the end of our relationship personally.
Things ended very abruptly when I expressed my disappointment that he hadn't made plans for us on a holiday weekend. He instead chose to go out with his friends...
I had been in Al-anon at that point, so I never argued with him for the choices that he made, but I did let him know in a nice way how some of those choices made me feel.

We only spoke one other time after we spilt up and I could hear the remorse in his voice, but I have learned that no amount of remorse is enough for someone to stop drinking if they're not truly ready to change.

At this point, I'm not really convinced that I would want to reach out to him to see how he is doing? So, for now, I'm simply going to continue working on myself and giving this to God to handle....

My counselor reminded me today that while we did share some really special times together, I must not forget to combine them with some of the other less desirable times during our relationship.

I'm realizing more and more that situations like these are not an either/or kind of thing...

It's more like this...
I had some wonderful times with him and he is an alcoholic.
I once learned in a meeting that the diagnosis doens't really matter.
It's the behaviors of the other person and how it affects me that does matter.

Yes, I do still miss the glimpses of the man he once was to me, but I don't miss not feeling like I was important enough to him, and I certainly don't miss being pushed away so he can be with his drinking buddies...

I feel compassion for both sides of the argument equally, whether it's the alcoholic or the person who cares for the alcoholic, everyone is dealing with some sort of emotional pain.....

Thank you so much for reaching out...
I really do appreciate your feedback...

All the best,


Diva 76

Sally1009

Thanks Diva,
I think you are doing the right thing re your ex. I would be careful about contacting him unless you knew for sure he had found sobriety.The horrible thing about alcoholism is just how much it can destroy the best people. Alcohol changed me horribly, made me push my friends to their limits, my children and my darling husband, who was too good a person to look after his own needs. I still feel so ashamed how, after a long day with his own patients, he would come home and either find me drunk, or begging him to get me alcohol, or keeping him up all night.
If your boyfriend is still drinking, that's the life you might risk if you go back to him. Alcoholics take a lot out of the people who love them. I'm just concerned for you. X

sugarbear1

Why contact him? Why not just move on and keep moving forward with your life? He hasn't contacted you to let you know about his sobriety, if any. At 6 months, he may not be very sociable right now. Let him heal. You need to heal, too!

There is a Friends and Family Forum if you scroll down from the Forums page. Al Anon or Nar Anon might be able to help you for in person support.

Best Wishes,

Diva76

Hello Sally,

Well, if I haven't heard from him, then chances are he is not sober and yes, alcoholism can destroy the best people, indeed. I think part of why this is so hard for me to deal with is the fact that I was his crush from the time we were in middle school and all throughout highshool. He didn't actually tell me this until he looked me nearly 15 years after we had graduated.
Perhaps, getting together as adults was merely unfinished business??
Who knows? At this point, anyway, I'm still glad I had the expereince with him and got out before it got ugly...

I'm so sorry that you are continuing to feel ashamed, though....
Haven't we all done things in our lives that we're not particularily proud of?
Even though your husband isn't here with us, I am SURE he is watching over you (wherever he may be) and is so very proud of you for turning things around....

You have been a tremendous support to me already...
Sometimes I think we go through certain trials in our lives so we can first better ourselves and then pass our knowledge onto others....

I sincerely hope you continue in your sobriety.....
You seem to be doing quite well with it!

All the best,


Diva76

Diva76

Thank you so much, Sugarbear...
I have acutally posted on the Friends and Family Forum, as well. However, I thought I would try posting in this forum to get some feedback from the "other side." I hope it was ok for me to do that?
You had mentioned that after 6 months of "no-contact" that he may not be very sociable right now. Is this becuase of the progressive nature of the disease?
Just by the way things ended with us, it "appeared" like I was the only person who felt like s--t that our relationship had to end. (See, there I go taking it personally again...)
I sooo have to work on that...
It seems like there are so many other threads that I've read on here where the guy keeps trying to get the girl back, but not in my case...
One minute he was a part of my daily life and by the next minute he was gone...
This made me feel so rejected, but then again, I've been told that I have nothing to do with this and it could simply be that he's far too invested in his disease at this point...
Even if I never hear from him again, I will never regret "planting the seed" in terms of sharing my concerns about his safety and well-being...
Not to worry, Sugarbear, I already know that my work is done!
There's only one God and that's NOT me
Thank you so much again for your kind and honest feedback...
I am willing to accept all the help I can get to correct my distorted thinking regarding this situation...



Best wishes,


Diva 76

P.S. I have been going to Al-anon for awhile now...
After reading your suggestion, I would like to give Nar-Anon a try...
I'm open to learning as much as I can.....

eJoshua

I've always wanted to find a girl that was better off emotionally and spiritually than I am and didn't struggle with the same crap that I have struggled with my whole life (depression, anxiety, substance abuse, etc.) That was true when I was drinking and it's still true now. I'm not sure why, but I find women that are well-adjusted and level headed incredibly attractive.

Could be because I've been in relationships with girls that are more like me, and I didn't really like where they went.

I think that there are generally two types of addicts: those who want to change but never seem to find the strength to quit and those who are completely oblivious to the fact that they are an addict (or in denial, if you will.) For addicts that want to change it can be really attractive to find a potential partner that has their **** together, because it's almost like you think their healthy lifestyle will be a positive influence on your life.

Don't know if that makes any sense, but that's my take on it.

eJoshua

Oh, and to answer your question I think you're probably better off not reaching out to him. Even if your intentions are just to see how he's doing and because of genuine concern I can almost 100% guarantee that he won't interpret them in that way.

Diva76

Hello E Josh...

Yes...what you mentioned makes TOTAL sense to me...
And, I will certainly mark your vote down for NOT contacting him...
Would you mind sharing a little bit more on how he may have interpreted my reaching out to him?
I figured if he truly didn't want to be bothered, then he would simply ignore the call, no?
Well, it doesn't matter because I'm NOT calling him!
Wow...I feel so empowered now....
See how much you have helped me already?
Please give yourself a pat on the back just in case you haven't already

Anyway....

(I think?) in his case, he knows deep down inside he has a problem, but I don't think he thinks he can do anything about it...
I can relate to that, as I am in recovery from food addiction.
I can remember thinking that I would be stuck in my overweight body and that's just how it was going to be...
I can't even begin to count how many times I have gained and lost the SAME 30lbs!!!
Boy, was I wrong!
It took a dear friend of mine (from Al-anon) who simply told me that what I was telling myself wasn't true...
From that day on, I have changed and I am proud to say that there's a little less of me out there today!
And, I'm not struggling with the process either...

Thank you so much for sharing yourself with me honestly...
I really do appreciate your feedback..

Best wishes,


Diva 76

Sally1009

Well done for conquering your food addiction. That's really something to be proud of. Thank you for your kind words to me too. I think you are being very wise about your ex. I certainly wouldn't have blamed my husband if he had wanted to leave me. On the alcoholic's side of the fence it is so painful seeing the effect you have on your partner. Perhaps your ex IS sober mow, but out of love for you, doesn't want to cause you any more pain?
I so understand your reasons for wanting to reach out to him. I'd want to know too, how he is doing. But you need to protect yourself. You seem like a very kind, intelligent and warm person - it would be tragic if you got back into a relationship which could drag you down into untold misery and despair. It's awfully hard, if not impossible to help an alcoholic until they themselves want to change.
Are you training to become a clinical psychologist, BTW?

sugarbear1

I'm glad you are taking care of you!

CarolD

As a drinker...I only dated drinkers. the more I drank...the less particular
I was about my lovers. It was a dangerous time for me in many ways.

As a sober woman...I only dated non drinkers.
The stench of alcohol did not make for romance...

Glad you are doing well and making correct decisions..

eJoshua

Well, I don't want to be presumptuous, since I'm not familiar with the nature of your relationship and what led to its termination. All I can say is that any time an ex has called me or gotten back into contact with me I have (usually mistakenly) thought it was because they were interested in getting back into a relationship. I can see how he might think that, especially if he's now clean and (although you don't state this explicitly) his use may have been a contributing factor to the end of your relationship -- although it sounds like he may not be clean.

With a few exceptions, I think that the best and healthiest way to move on from a relationship is to cease contact. In my experience, any continued contact after the fact has only drawn out the pain caused by the break-up, or led to a misunderstanding regarding the other person's intentions.

Of course, this is all a moot point if reaching out to him would be harmful towards your own recovery or healing. Your first priority needs to be your self and your own interests.

Just my two cents, maybe your situation is different.