TigerLili

I really, really want to drink today. I just saw my alcoholic amost ex-bf and any contact with him really triggers me. I hurt my back quite badly and I'm taking pain medication as prescribed, but as someone who has a history of abusing prescription medication whilst drinking, that's triggering too. An epidural nerve block (I think that's what it was called) has been suggested as a treatment for the back pain. My head is yelling at me to drink because it will help numb the pain. On the plus side, I'm religiously doing the stretches I was told to do for my legs - some of the nerves have 'frozen' and I have nearly full extension and movement back in one leg which will in turn reduce the back pain.

I'm scared to leave the house, even to go to a meeting, in case I find myself at the liquor store. I feel very weak right now. I can't seem to get past about a week without drinking.

I just want to drink and take pills so I don't feel anythng for the next 24 hours or so.

Dee74

I'm sorry you're feeling low TL...but you and I both know alcohols really not the best pain reliever there is...whether it's physical or emotional pain, it's very short term, and for people like us, it's opening the door to madness again.

Are you still in AA? If you don't feel like you can get out safely can you call someone or get someone to come around maybe, or give you a lift to a meeting?

D

TigerLili

I started going back to meetings a week or so ago with the intention of doing 90 in 90. I've been every day, or twice a day. I just don't know if I can get myself off the sofa and face anyone today.

Dee74

I know it's the last thing you feel like doing - but, for me, its the times when I really don't want to work on my recovery that I know I have to work the hardest, y'know?

D

TigerLili

Ya. That's the truth for sure.

And just to round off my pity party, I got a spider bite on my leg yesterday. It's REALLY itchy. Woe is me.

Dee74

as long as it wasn't a redback

D

TigerLili

Ok so there's a meeting in 30 mins. I'll make some coffee for my thermos (OCD about cups other people use) and go.

Blergh.

Dee74

I think you'll be glad you did TL - knock any silly thoughts on the way right out of your head too...



D

TigerLili

haha no redbacks fortunately. I didn't see what kind of spider it was, I can just see the bites.

Dee74

Hope the meetings good and the itches subside

D

TigerLili

Made it as far as the liquor store. Sigh.

Dee74

I'm sorry to hear that TL.

D

TigerLili

Sober today. Praying for the willingness to be willing. It's hard to care right now. I just don't care how bad it might get. It doesn't seem to matter. Soooo praying for the willingness to be willing and to care.

sugarbear1

Get some phone numbers and call for a ride next time so you have no ability to stop at the store on your way to a meeting.

I walk by one when I go to a meeting, but I've yet to stop at that store. I refuse to be a slave to that stuff anymore. Stay strong. Stay stopped!

2granddaughters

Call and ask one of your AA friends to come and pick you up for a meeting. Call your sponsor and other members.
If you sit in your cr#p alone you'll end up in a very bad place. Your choice.

All the best.

Bob R

TigerLili

Still don't have a sponsor - no one I have asked yet has been available. However I did settle on a home group - the women's group that I went to tonight. I've been a few times and I like it a lot. Not a big meeting but lots of good sobriety and a focus on recovery and solutions. It's an 'As Bill Sees It' book discussion group. Do you have those in the U.S.?

sugarbear1

Yes, we do have those in the USA. Get phone numbers of other women and call daily to see how they are doing, it will help so when you are in a bad place you won't feel funny calling anyone. Create a network of friends, no matter what their age.

TigerLili

I will keep doing this. I find that quite often I reach out to people with a text to say hi and see how they are and if they have time for a chat, and don't get a response back. I have messaged up to 10 people before even one of them responded at all, which makes me feel rejected and uncomfortable contacting people. I guess I just keep going and getting more numbers and contacting more people - eventually someone will respond! I can take responsibility for reaching out even if not many reach back.

Sally1009

Hi TigerLilli,
I have just the same problem as you do with phoning people. I always have to force myself to do it. I also tend to text first, as I too can feel horribly rejected. At the same time I know that texting is NOT as useful as calling. You don't get that extra depth of hearing a human voice, and the response is often delayed. Texting keeps me walled up in silence, which is unhealthy. I need regularly to sau my feelings out loud, and hear a human voice respond.
I need to take more numbers too - it really is important.