Dear Addiction, Go to Hell!
Abnormally normal
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Los Angeles, Ca.
Posts: 306
Dear Addiction, Go to Hell!
I hate addiction! I guess I'm going through an angry phase at the moment. Yesterday, the urge to drink was so strong that it felt like it was the only thing I can hear. Nothing would drown out that pounding voice.
It felt like 'addiction' was radiating through my veins and looking for a way out.
But I made it through the day and night, and didn't give in.
The only thing I can say about today is....its not as bad today.
As I was trying to keep myself busy (when I wasn't forcing myself to sleep so the day would be over) I came across this letter I wrote down that another member on this site posted.
No doubt, this needs to be read again and again, over and over by anybody struggling.
This is as brutally accurate as this ruthless, vindictive hellish disease can be.
I hate it! I hate that this 'thing' f**ks with me the way it does! I hate that its given itself meaning in my life and will never go away.
I know I can one day live a happy life as a recovering alcoholic, but right now...I just wanna be angry at the whole thing...
Anyway..here's the 'letter'
Dear Friend,
I've come to visit once again. I love to see you suffer mentally, physically, spiritually and socially. I want to have you restless so you can never relax. I want you jumpy and nervous and anxious. I want to make you agitated and irritable so everything and everybody makes you uncomfortable. I want you to be depressed and confused so that you can't think clearly or positively. I want to make you hate everything and everybody-especially yourself.
I want you to feel guilty and remorseful for the things you have done in the past that you'll never be able to let go of.
I want to make you angry and hateful toward the world for the way it is and the way you are. I want you to feel sorry for yourself and blame everything but your addiction for the way things are.
I want you to be deceitful and untrustworthy and to manipulate and con as many people as possible. I want to make you fearful and paranoid for no reason at all and I want you to wake up during all hours of the night screaming for me. You know you can't sleep without me. I'm even in your dreams.
I want to be the first thing you wake up to every morning and the last thing you touch before you black out.
I would rather kill you, but I'll be happy enough if I can put you back in the hospital, another institution or jail. But you know that I'll still be waiting for you when you come out. I love to watch you slowly go insane. I love to see all the physical damage that I'm causing you. I can't help but sneer and chuckle when you shiver and shake, when you freeze and sweat at the same time, when you wake up with your sheets and blankets soaking wet.
It's amazing how much destruction I can do to your internal organs while at the same time, work on your brain. Destroying them bit by bit. I deeply appreciate how much you sacrifice for me.
The countless good jobs you have sacrificed for me. All the fine friends that you deeply cared for - you gave them up for me.
And whats more, for the ones you turned against yourself because of your inexcusable actions - I am more than grateful.
And especially your loved ones, your family and the most important people in the world to you. You even threw them away for me. I cannot express in words the gratitude I have for the loyalty you have for me.
You sacrificed all these beautiful things in your life just to devote yourself completely to me. But do not despair my friend, for on me you can always depend. For after you have lost all these things, you can still depend on me to take even more. You can depend on me to keep you in living hell, to keep your mind, body and soul. FOR I WILL NOT BE SATISFIED UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD, MY FRIEND.
Faithfully yours,
You addiction
Seriously...all I have are two words right now!
F*ck You!!
(sorry for the language..)
It felt like 'addiction' was radiating through my veins and looking for a way out.
But I made it through the day and night, and didn't give in.
The only thing I can say about today is....its not as bad today.
As I was trying to keep myself busy (when I wasn't forcing myself to sleep so the day would be over) I came across this letter I wrote down that another member on this site posted.
No doubt, this needs to be read again and again, over and over by anybody struggling.
This is as brutally accurate as this ruthless, vindictive hellish disease can be.
I hate it! I hate that this 'thing' f**ks with me the way it does! I hate that its given itself meaning in my life and will never go away.
I know I can one day live a happy life as a recovering alcoholic, but right now...I just wanna be angry at the whole thing...
Anyway..here's the 'letter'
Dear Friend,
I've come to visit once again. I love to see you suffer mentally, physically, spiritually and socially. I want to have you restless so you can never relax. I want you jumpy and nervous and anxious. I want to make you agitated and irritable so everything and everybody makes you uncomfortable. I want you to be depressed and confused so that you can't think clearly or positively. I want to make you hate everything and everybody-especially yourself.
I want you to feel guilty and remorseful for the things you have done in the past that you'll never be able to let go of.
I want to make you angry and hateful toward the world for the way it is and the way you are. I want you to feel sorry for yourself and blame everything but your addiction for the way things are.
I want you to be deceitful and untrustworthy and to manipulate and con as many people as possible. I want to make you fearful and paranoid for no reason at all and I want you to wake up during all hours of the night screaming for me. You know you can't sleep without me. I'm even in your dreams.
I want to be the first thing you wake up to every morning and the last thing you touch before you black out.
I would rather kill you, but I'll be happy enough if I can put you back in the hospital, another institution or jail. But you know that I'll still be waiting for you when you come out. I love to watch you slowly go insane. I love to see all the physical damage that I'm causing you. I can't help but sneer and chuckle when you shiver and shake, when you freeze and sweat at the same time, when you wake up with your sheets and blankets soaking wet.
It's amazing how much destruction I can do to your internal organs while at the same time, work on your brain. Destroying them bit by bit. I deeply appreciate how much you sacrifice for me.
The countless good jobs you have sacrificed for me. All the fine friends that you deeply cared for - you gave them up for me.
And whats more, for the ones you turned against yourself because of your inexcusable actions - I am more than grateful.
And especially your loved ones, your family and the most important people in the world to you. You even threw them away for me. I cannot express in words the gratitude I have for the loyalty you have for me.
You sacrificed all these beautiful things in your life just to devote yourself completely to me. But do not despair my friend, for on me you can always depend. For after you have lost all these things, you can still depend on me to take even more. You can depend on me to keep you in living hell, to keep your mind, body and soul. FOR I WILL NOT BE SATISFIED UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD, MY FRIEND.
Faithfully yours,
You addiction
Seriously...all I have are two words right now!
F*ck You!!
(sorry for the language..)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Whistler, British Columbia
Posts: 222
This voice, this will inside you can sure be loud during the early days of recovery. Consider what you are feeling right now as this voice's last efforts in trying to get you back.
This is the addictions last round and is fighting for its life at this point.
When you realize that your own strengths have no limits you become that infinite wall of pure will that can crush even the loudest voices of addiction.
Your own words speak of how strong you really are and your fight is almost over.
The last round is all you
This is the addictions last round and is fighting for its life at this point.
When you realize that your own strengths have no limits you become that infinite wall of pure will that can crush even the loudest voices of addiction.
Your own words speak of how strong you really are and your fight is almost over.
The last round is all you
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I LOVE that letter. I remember my "addict voice" speaking really LOUDLY to me at times. I told myself, "not an option...next" with "next" being something to distract me.
Oddly enough, I found myself at "next", distracting my thoughts without even realizing I'd had a "using thought". I live with my stepmom, who is an A, and if ever I think of using again? She does something that makes me remember why I chose to be clean.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Oddly enough, I found myself at "next", distracting my thoughts without even realizing I'd had a "using thought". I live with my stepmom, who is an A, and if ever I think of using again? She does something that makes me remember why I chose to be clean.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Abnormally normal
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Los Angeles, Ca.
Posts: 306
Wow..the voice is really stubborn and determined right now.
It really is trying to do succeed in doing all that it says it will.
So frustrated right now and everythings bothering me. And its not even a series of emotions. Just straight anger.
I hope this passes real soon. All I wanna do is crawl under a rock until it does.
Its draining feeling this way all day. I can't enjoy anything and or even think of anything to do to get me out of this rut.
I took a walk with the kids..went to rite-aid, got some stuff and kids got ice cream. Then went to get something to eat and just got home. It took so much for me to do that. My mind was screaming at me to get something to drink. Every little thing was bothering me and I finally had to go into a restroom and just sit there until I was able to gather myself again. Just so angry to be back here again.
And I know some of this anger is also because of where I am in my addiction/sobriety and the situation I'm in because of my DUI.
Not being able to drive makes me feel stuck here at home. No job and I know I'm not strong enough for socialization, so I haven't talked to alot of my friends.
As far as family...they're all two-faced, superficial, bitter aholes who think that Louis Vuitton and Chanel determine a persons worth. I was stuck in that whirlpool with them for a long time and I'm glad to be out of it and finally not give a crap about what they think.
So, here I am. At home and wish I were somewhere else. Actually feeling like I was someone else right now.
Truly am taking it hour by hour these days...
It really is trying to do succeed in doing all that it says it will.
So frustrated right now and everythings bothering me. And its not even a series of emotions. Just straight anger.
I hope this passes real soon. All I wanna do is crawl under a rock until it does.
Its draining feeling this way all day. I can't enjoy anything and or even think of anything to do to get me out of this rut.
I took a walk with the kids..went to rite-aid, got some stuff and kids got ice cream. Then went to get something to eat and just got home. It took so much for me to do that. My mind was screaming at me to get something to drink. Every little thing was bothering me and I finally had to go into a restroom and just sit there until I was able to gather myself again. Just so angry to be back here again.
And I know some of this anger is also because of where I am in my addiction/sobriety and the situation I'm in because of my DUI.
Not being able to drive makes me feel stuck here at home. No job and I know I'm not strong enough for socialization, so I haven't talked to alot of my friends.
As far as family...they're all two-faced, superficial, bitter aholes who think that Louis Vuitton and Chanel determine a persons worth. I was stuck in that whirlpool with them for a long time and I'm glad to be out of it and finally not give a crap about what they think.
So, here I am. At home and wish I were somewhere else. Actually feeling like I was someone else right now.
Truly am taking it hour by hour these days...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
Originally Posted by simplyfab 
Wow..the voice is really stubborn and determined right now. It really is trying to do succeed in doing all that it says it will.
When you hear that voice, stay in your right mind, and don't let it use the pronoun "I". For example, if you hear it say "I want to drink," don't argue with it. Instead, change the pronouns around, stay in your right mind, and think "IT, my addiction, wants to drink, but I never drink, and since addictive desire is not me, but my addiction, I don't even want to drink."
If you do this, and don't engage in debates, the voice will fall silent.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 282
Simplygfab can u go for a run? The andrenaline pumping through your body from the anger will be burnt up and give u INSTANT relief. Just 15 minutes, or a punching bag, star jumps....anything physical. U need to get your heart pumping fast! U are doing so well to stay off the booze, keep going! The only way out is through! X
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: France
Posts: 74
simplyfab - I think if you are near your kids and feeling so angry - it might be advisable to call a sitter and go outside (walk to somewhere open and safe) and try to do some physical out-letting. I've been really on edge around my child lately and have HAD to get a sitter for an hour or two sometimes to just go and be in my thoughts and be able to get over them in a quiet space... I'm single so I know about feeling like you can't get awake to just compose yourself.
Thanks for the letter also... it's hard to read, but it feels so good to be sober reading it?!
I hope you are feeling more chilled soon.
Thanks for the letter also... it's hard to read, but it feels so good to be sober reading it?!
I hope you are feeling more chilled soon.
Abnormally normal
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Los Angeles, Ca.
Posts: 306
Well,
I made it through the night and feeling a little better today.
Its day 17 now. I know I need to stop focusing on where I am as far as days and getting angry at myself that I could've had over a yr right now.
I just need to focus on today and all that is going good in my life.
There are far worse situations I could be in. I need to be greatfully thankful I didn't hurt anybody, or worse, when I was driving as drunk as I was.
I need to start building myself up instead of keeping myself down.
((TU)) Thank you for giving me a 'tool' on how to help me get through an awful voice pounding episode. Hope it helps..
((Doin)) The exercise is actually a good idea. I was focusing so much on all the negativity that I forgot that a bootcamp class helped me out alot last time.
Anyway..hope everyboday has a good weekend.
-Simply
I made it through the night and feeling a little better today.
Its day 17 now. I know I need to stop focusing on where I am as far as days and getting angry at myself that I could've had over a yr right now.
I just need to focus on today and all that is going good in my life.
There are far worse situations I could be in. I need to be greatfully thankful I didn't hurt anybody, or worse, when I was driving as drunk as I was.
I need to start building myself up instead of keeping myself down.
((TU)) Thank you for giving me a 'tool' on how to help me get through an awful voice pounding episode. Hope it helps..
((Doin)) The exercise is actually a good idea. I was focusing so much on all the negativity that I forgot that a bootcamp class helped me out alot last time.
Anyway..hope everyboday has a good weekend.
-Simply
Abnormally normal
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Los Angeles, Ca.
Posts: 306
Originally Posted by workingknee
simplyfab - I think if you are near your kids and feeling so angry - it might be advisable to call a sitter and go outside (walk to somewhere open and safe) and try to do some physical out-letting.
I know what you mean though...yesterday was a really hard day and I know they must've felt that mommy wasn't feeling 100%. I think thats why yesterday was so draining. Because I was trying so hard not to let my anger overflow and keep my mommy composure.
Thankfully I succeeded, but it wasn't at all easy.
I know I'd be having another bad day today if I had.
Glad to hear from another 'sober mommy' though..thank you.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by simplyfab
Well, I made it through the night and feeling a little better today.
I need to start building myself up instead of keeping myself down.
I need to start building myself up instead of keeping myself down.
Building up is more difficult then tearing down of course and no problemo because you have the rest of your life to build yourself up as often in a day as you wish. Its hard work, but it's an entirely selective process with you being the total artist. How cool is that?!!
Great going on your new days of living life sans alcohol!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: WI
Posts: 12
Simplyfab.that letter you posted is so true.I feel the same way you feel.I'm on day 1and already I just want a drink to ease my ansiety.I have soo much to be thankful for I don't know why its so hard for me to stop drinking.I'm soo used to drinking I can't remember how to feel happy again without it.seems like a point of no return.and how do u stop doing something u like ..toooo much of a good thing is bad
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