BackToSquareOne

Just curious but do any of you ever find yourself doing the deep introspection regarding your past drinking/using days. I didn't really have an issue with this until I hit the 3.5 year mark and was doing regular meditation, sitting quietly and thinking. My history was about 3 decades of bender style drinking/using with brief periods of abstinence thrown into the mix. I was always employed or self-employed but probably functioned at a much lower level than I could have without the substances.

It seems kind of odd in looking back trying to figure out who that person was and why they did the things they did. When and why did it all go so wrong is the question that keeps popping up. I think that once you've been sober for a number of years it becomes harder to understand why you didn't come to your senses much earlier.

I can recall in fairly vivid detail most of my escapades and I'm left with this overpowering unanswered question of "Why". How do you really answer that question? Anyone else ever find themselves doing this and do you think it's helpful or harmful?

GrowingDaily

Absolutely.

As far as being harmful or helpful, helpful 100%. This is really the first time I've ever seen myself through the eyes of an objective observer, rather than through the filter of who I thought myself to be. And that's the answer I came up with. My self-image and reality didn't jive.

eJoshua

It was less than a year ago for me, but I do think it feels like that was somebody else living my life. It's an unsettling feeling, to be sure.

Terminally Unique

My mind starts going there sometimes... why didn't I quit when such and such happened, etc, but I try to avoid unwholesome introspection. I've recognized my cardinal error as it pertains to those days, and I try to leave it at that.

Firehazard

Yep sure do but try not to dwell on it much. It seems that the nearer the three year mark I get the more I am remembering of that mess. Even some blackout memories which I get arent black out memories any more. I am no longer shocked as I have a strong Dr. Jeckle history as we all do. The bigest one is screaming back and forth with my immediate neighbors in 2005 through a hole in our shared wall. This all after two bottles of tequila and a study wooden chair used as a maul to create the conduit. Hence my handle firehazard(add alcholol instant firehazard). I could never remember making the hole or what I said until recently. Yes... who was that??? A hurt lonely 33 year old man-child

Grateful I am laughing at that now thanks for the great post and reminder. Do not wish to close the door on that one

LDT

I will forgive myself my past drinking excursions as long as I stay sober....But there IS that one time in Mexico with friends that I would REALLY REALLY like to forget.....there is nothing helpful for me in revisiting that trip.

Jitterbugg

I do it all the time, but I've realized I cannot change the past and I need to just accept it and move on. I'm 35 now so I figure I have at least half my life left to live and my '2nd act' needs to be devoid of guilt and shame.

24hrsAday

I think that once you've been sober for a number of years it becomes harder to understand why you didn't come to your senses much earlier.

^i can relate to this one bud.. i was about 4 years sober when i really started wondering how in the hell i ever allowed myself to become what i became. i talked about it with my sponsor a few times. the bottom line is really: who am i today? and you know what? i am honestly mostly OK with it. do i still regret some things in my past? i sure do! but, i am a Far FAR better man today than i was 5 years ago..

Boleo

I know exactly who that person was that did the drinking for 3 decades. It was me with excess delusional thinking. All human beings have some delusional thinking. Alcoholics have a double-dose of it. Unless they are celebrity alcoholics - then they have a triple-dose of it (like Charlie Sheen). LOL!

GirlFromCO

I find myself thinking about my past behavior often - it's been a problem for me. I re-live a few of my embarrassing & traumatic experiences almost every day. Sometimes I think I gave myself PTSD. Even if I did, I hear it gets better with time. Each day I have more space between what I used to do and the present moment, and that helps a bit. I think one year is going to be a big milestone for me for that reason.

MsJax

Timely topic for me. I try not to look back and obsess too much, there is plenty to be ashamed of for sure, I also think it's good that I never forget those days. I don't think I will. Just yesterday I received a letter from my ex, making an offer to pay me off the money he owes me, to a tune of 1/3 of the actual owed amount. It brought back just a flood of memories of that horrible time of our separation and the manner in which I allowed him to treat me. I am a different person now & I barely recognize someone who would allow that stuff to happen. That was back in 2009-2010. What a time. Drinking so much & so reckless I can't believe I made it. His "offer" brought back those feelings, I had an anxiety attack yesterday & was tired & sad, but I know how to deal with life now. God, I'm thankful to be sober. Sorry this got off topic.

BackToSquareOne

Thanks for the great replies everyone. What brought this on was I trying a technique called vivid memory recall. What you do is relax as if prior to meditation but instead of focusing on the breath or anything like that you pick a time from the past and try to take your mind back there. For instance try grade school, can you bring into imagery first grade, the room, the other kids faces, the teacher etc. Some people can actually do this in great detail.

What shocked me was when I tried this technique with past drinking escapades. I could actually go back to the third grade when we made wine by adding yeast to grape juice for a science project, it was to study the fermentation process. I can still remember the feelings of drinking that stuff. Crazy how vivid the memories of the past actually are.