Glad I remembered this place
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 7
Glad I remembered this place
I believe I posted here several years ago, or at least a forum like this. I swore off drinking back then but I got back into it.
One thing I remember from AA meetings when I went was everyone guaranteeing that the addiction worsens. Now that I crossed the age of 40 I can say I finally agree. A year after returning full force to drinking, I finally thought I saw the shadow of death last night.
Basically after a bender that began Friday night, and culminated Sunday around 10pm, I woke up at 2am puking for 20 minutes. I eventually made it back to bed only to spend the rest of the night sweating and shivering, terrified if I closed my eyes I might not wake up. I began to really get depressed that if I did not wake up my parents would discover me and be faced with the task of burying their alcoholic son.
I worked out of my home today and was able to stop profusely sweating around noon. I have had days like this before, but last night was particulary scary. I just felt my body is breaking down and its giving me one more warning.
The whole guilt factor is settling in right about now, and I know I have a long night of reflection about things I have failed to accomplish in life because I chose to sit at some bar stool, or worse, sitting on my couch drinking alone.
I guess if there was any saving grace of this last bender was its severity. I am not sure I could survive another one like that, that memory I pray keeps me sober going forward.
Looking forward to be a participant on this board and will update my progress accordingly.
One thing I remember from AA meetings when I went was everyone guaranteeing that the addiction worsens. Now that I crossed the age of 40 I can say I finally agree. A year after returning full force to drinking, I finally thought I saw the shadow of death last night.
Basically after a bender that began Friday night, and culminated Sunday around 10pm, I woke up at 2am puking for 20 minutes. I eventually made it back to bed only to spend the rest of the night sweating and shivering, terrified if I closed my eyes I might not wake up. I began to really get depressed that if I did not wake up my parents would discover me and be faced with the task of burying their alcoholic son.
I worked out of my home today and was able to stop profusely sweating around noon. I have had days like this before, but last night was particulary scary. I just felt my body is breaking down and its giving me one more warning.
The whole guilt factor is settling in right about now, and I know I have a long night of reflection about things I have failed to accomplish in life because I chose to sit at some bar stool, or worse, sitting on my couch drinking alone.
I guess if there was any saving grace of this last bender was its severity. I am not sure I could survive another one like that, that memory I pray keeps me sober going forward.
Looking forward to be a participant on this board and will update my progress accordingly.
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
Welcome buckeye SR has help stay off crack for 7 months now. My addiction got worse as time went by. It's gettin easier as time goes by with a little help from my SR friends. Lots of people here who care and know how to help.
Choosing Life
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
Welcome, Buckeye. Moment of truth time, isn't it? Been there, done that. Many times. Hardly worth the misery it brings.
Please be careful with the detox, if that's what you're doing. You should probably see a doctor to help you with detoxing, as it is dangerous to do on your own. He/she can give you meds that will help with the withdrawals and keep you comfortable during those first few days. Worth looking into for your peace of mind and your physical safety.
I'm glad you came here - this is a great place for support. We've all been where you are and we understand. A recovery program would also be a good thing to look into, whether it's AA, AVRT/RR, SMART Recovery, etc. You can read about those programs here on the site.
In any event, I wish you all the best in your recovery and let us know if we can help.
Please be careful with the detox, if that's what you're doing. You should probably see a doctor to help you with detoxing, as it is dangerous to do on your own. He/she can give you meds that will help with the withdrawals and keep you comfortable during those first few days. Worth looking into for your peace of mind and your physical safety.
I'm glad you came here - this is a great place for support. We've all been where you are and we understand. A recovery program would also be a good thing to look into, whether it's AA, AVRT/RR, SMART Recovery, etc. You can read about those programs here on the site.
In any event, I wish you all the best in your recovery and let us know if we can help.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Hi Buckeye. I had reached that point too, the last time I binged. I think it's much harder on us as we get older. We just don't recover the way we once did. Our bodies have had it from all the abuse. I kept going into my 50's & almost lost my life - SR got me back on my feet.
I'm glad you're seeing the light before irreparable damage is done. You can make it out of this and have a whole new life. I wouldn't spend too much time on guilt and remorse - it gets us nowhere, and keeps us from moving forward. Happy you are here!
I'm glad you're seeing the light before irreparable damage is done. You can make it out of this and have a whole new life. I wouldn't spend too much time on guilt and remorse - it gets us nowhere, and keeps us from moving forward. Happy you are here!
SHARING THE LOAD
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: In the Slowlane
Posts: 878
Hi Buckeye and welcome, It seems you have hit your bottom as we say in recovery and that is a very precious event even if it does not feel like it. Now there is now way but up now because you can not get lower. However, It can get worse if you have not hit it. Wet Brain, Dementia, homlessness, jail one can add to the list if you like.
Fear and desperation are both great motivators to get sober.and yes, alcoholism is a progressive disease and I have proven that three times in my history and personally do not need to do any more research on the subject. Is a treatment/detox center possible for you?
Anyway if you make it back to a AA meeting get a big book and begin reading it may save your life.
Fear and desperation are both great motivators to get sober.and yes, alcoholism is a progressive disease and I have proven that three times in my history and personally do not need to do any more research on the subject. Is a treatment/detox center possible for you?
Anyway if you make it back to a AA meeting get a big book and begin reading it may save your life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 7
Thanks all for the kind words. Last night was restless to say the least, but finally got some quality sleep from 3-7am. I sweat pretty good which I thought was odd since I thought all the alcohol after 24 hours would have left my system.
I feel a lot better today physically. My kidneys are still a little sore and I expect they will be like that for a few more days. I've been through this before, where I get sober for a few days, feel much better and tempt fate with a few drinks. Then usually a month later I am back on a 72 hour bender where I drink myself back into an abyss.
Thankfully this last drunk was so terrfying I want nothing to do with drinking again. Will find a meeting here this week. Thanks again!
I feel a lot better today physically. My kidneys are still a little sore and I expect they will be like that for a few more days. I've been through this before, where I get sober for a few days, feel much better and tempt fate with a few drinks. Then usually a month later I am back on a 72 hour bender where I drink myself back into an abyss.
Thankfully this last drunk was so terrfying I want nothing to do with drinking again. Will find a meeting here this week. Thanks again!
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by buckeye68 
One thing I remember from AA meetings when I went was everyone guaranteeing that the addiction worsens.
I relapsed enough times to know that it not only gets worse each time but also there is no bottom short of 6 feet under. There was a time when I thought I needed just enough recovery to clear today's hurdle. Little did I realize that the hurdles continued to grow higher even on the days I was not-drinking.
Not-drinking does not treat alcoholism.
dude in recovery
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Gulf Coast, TX
Posts: 1,504
Get sober & stay sober, I'm coming up on 41 with 6 months dry & loving it. The first 90 days are tough (to say the least), but you have to end that cycle to be free again. And free is how I feel now. I got completely sick of myself the way I was, could no longer even get my 'satisfactory' buzz-on without getting ill both during and after drinking. Best wishes & for sure stick around, keep reading and posting. :ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 7
Certainly not much more than a moral victory, but I saved $28 tonight. A friend invited me for dinner tonight at a local Italian place. Normally after not drinking for a day, I would generally go and attend as I owed it to me. While I have to be up early tomorrow, I still would have drank, 4 glasses of wine; not enough for a hangover but generally enough to wak up lethargic. At $7 a glass that is $28 minimum. Then to try and prove I was a big shot, I would generally buy a round or two, so who knows the final tab.
I'll be inside tonight, cooking for myself; I kinda just want to avoid places that serve alcohol until I have more confidence I have made real progress. I can meet friends for lunch in the meantime.
I'll be inside tonight, cooking for myself; I kinda just want to avoid places that serve alcohol until I have more confidence I have made real progress. I can meet friends for lunch in the meantime.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Midwest
Posts: 450
I know what you mean about being afraid of close your eyes. I have had nights like that where I am so very sure thinking "damn, this might be it...i didn't want to die like this" and being so thankful to wake up alive in the morning. I just want to say that quitting is worth it and I've never felt so alive as I do now sober for a month. Good luck bud.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 7
Just an update, for those that are interested: today was day 3 of being sober. Last night was another restless night sleeping. I seem to wake up every 45 minutes until about 4am then I sleep through until about 7. I had some wierd dreams last night. In the past I rarely remember dreams because of the alcohol.
I had a couple conference calls this morning and I was still not sharp on them. I sounded fine but I was struggling for the right things to say. I usually am a good speaker but the mind was still clouded so I kept pretty quiet unless I could get away with a sentence or two.
Physically I feel a lot better. I was able to get a workout in today, about 25 minutes. Been a while since I sweated from something other alcohol. My face is not nearly as flush as it was Monday morning, and my kidneys feel like they are returning to normal.
One thing I noticed is I am eating all the time. Not sure if this is a long term issue or just temporary. I guess eating 500 calories at 10:00 pm is better than drinking 800 calories.
Called my folks tonight and they seemed a little worried and kept asking how I was doing. I think they knew I was drunk at 2pm when they called Saturday. It did not come up and we had a nice conversation. More in a couple days.
I had a couple conference calls this morning and I was still not sharp on them. I sounded fine but I was struggling for the right things to say. I usually am a good speaker but the mind was still clouded so I kept pretty quiet unless I could get away with a sentence or two.
Physically I feel a lot better. I was able to get a workout in today, about 25 minutes. Been a while since I sweated from something other alcohol. My face is not nearly as flush as it was Monday morning, and my kidneys feel like they are returning to normal.
One thing I noticed is I am eating all the time. Not sure if this is a long term issue or just temporary. I guess eating 500 calories at 10:00 pm is better than drinking 800 calories.
Called my folks tonight and they seemed a little worried and kept asking how I was doing. I think they knew I was drunk at 2pm when they called Saturday. It did not come up and we had a nice conversation. More in a couple days.
Last edited by buckeye68; 03-28-2012 at 06:54 PM. Reason: spelling
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Fairfax, VA
Posts: 101
Hey there!
Welcome back. Alcoholism is a very very progressive disease. I had a tough time understanding this until I went and relapsed after not drinking for four months. Over time my drinking episodes started getting worse... I was taking greater risks... former cut offs stopped working... I was drinking WAY more than I used to.
Fortunately I didn't kill anyone or myself.
Being sober doesn't kill Alcoholism, but my HP puts it in Lock-Up.
A lot of people spend time in prison working out and getting stronger... which is what my alcoholism did.
Welcome back. Alcoholism is a very very progressive disease. I had a tough time understanding this until I went and relapsed after not drinking for four months. Over time my drinking episodes started getting worse... I was taking greater risks... former cut offs stopped working... I was drinking WAY more than I used to.
Fortunately I didn't kill anyone or myself.
Being sober doesn't kill Alcoholism, but my HP puts it in Lock-Up.
A lot of people spend time in prison working out and getting stronger... which is what my alcoholism did.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,919
Welcome buckeye!
Yes alcoholism is progressive and your body's ability to recover diminishes over time. For me, I don't want to find out if I have any more "recoveries" in me, I don't want to roll the dice anymore, I'm done.
Yes alcoholism is progressive and your body's ability to recover diminishes over time. For me, I don't want to find out if I have any more "recoveries" in me, I don't want to roll the dice anymore, I'm done.
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